Family adopts russian boy and then sends him back

[Briarmom]

What I read stated the grandmother drove him from TN to Washington DC and put him on the plane there, and it was a direct flight to Moscow. That makes sense because a lot of flights to Moscow fly out of DC.

All the reports I've read have said the same thing (though they just said she brought him to Washington - didn't specify if she drove him there or they flew).

Here is what the article that I read said...

Artem, just seven years old, travelled from Tennessee to Washington, and from Washington to Moscow, apparently unaccompanied.
United Airlines refused to discuss the case but stressed that its rules on unaccompanied minors were strictly adhered to.

 

[Sparx]

I know RAD relatively well, having worked as a teacher specializing in children with emotional issues and as a behavior analyst with kids with RAD. I know how challenging and devastating it can be for a family and for a child. I know that we need more resources to help parents whose children suffer from this an other mental illnesses.

However, I'm also disturbed by the fact that people seem to be saying that if people knew how bad RAD can be, or how hard it is to find help we might be more forgiving. I feel very strong that as a society we need to draw certain bright clear lines between what is and what isn't acceptable, and sending your child off on a plane alone with a note is one of them. It's illegal, it's child abuse, and there is no excuse for it.

As a teacher, I've worked with children who have bit me, kicked me, left me with major bruises, and scared the living daylights out of me in numerous ways. One of the "clear bright lines" in my profession, at least in my state, is that we don't use any form of corporal punishment. Have I been tempted? Of course, but the fact that it's absolutely taboo and I know I'd lose my job instantly, helps strengthen my resolve not to slap or spank or pinch. In fact, I'd say that the fact that the line is so clear is helpful to me because I don't need to waste time or emotion reminding myself why I've decided not to do these things.

I think those parents need to be in jail for a long time. Grandma too.

I completely agree. There should be more resources to help these adoptive parents, but putting a child on a plane and sending them across the world with a note is not okay under any circumstances.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

I know RAD relatively well, having worked as a teacher specializing in children with emotional issues and as a behavior analyst with kids with RAD. I know how challenging and devastating it can be for a family and for a child. I know that we need more resources to help parents whose children suffer from this an other mental illnesses.

However, I'm also disturbed by the fact that people seem to be saying that if people knew how bad RAD can be, or how hard it is to find help we might be more forgiving. I feel very strong that as a society we need to draw certain bright clear lines between what is and what isn't acceptable, and sending your child off on a plane alone with a note is one of them. It's illegal, it's child abuse, and there is no excuse for it.

As a teacher, I've worked with children who have bit me, kicked me, left me with major bruises, and scared the living daylights out of me in numerous ways. One of the "clear bright lines" in my profession, at least in my state, is that we don't use any form of corporal punishment. Have I been tempted? Of course, but the fact that it's absolutely taboo and I know I'd lose my job instantly, helps strengthen my resolve not to slap or spank or pinch. In fact, I'd say that the fact that the line is so clear is helpful to me because I don't need to waste time or emotion reminding myself why I've decided not to do these things.

I think those parents need to be in jail for a long time. Grandma too.

You are working with kids stable enough, maybe just barely, but still able to function relatively safely in a school. I too have been kicked, bitten, and work with extreme behavior challenged kids. We learn restraints, we learn how to protect ourselves and others.

However,sometimes that is not enough. There was one little boy that was removed from our school due to severe psychosis. It was for the safety of the other children and teachers in the school.

His parents are lucky. They found a permanent bed in a psychiatric hospital where this child will live.

I still think what the mother did was absolutely wrong, but I won't completely condemn her until I know more facts.

Maybe she was scum, maybe she was a desperate person who tried every avenue she could and resorted to a last ditch (but definitely wrong) attempt to protect the rest of her family.

 

[bumbershoot]

I'll bet the adoption agency she went through is FURIOUS.

WACAP has a pretty terse message on their website about it...

From it, I learned that they do have procedures that can be followed if an adoption doesn't work out...sending the children back to their country of birth isn't it, though.

 

[imtheproof]

umm. world goes round, this will surely come back to them.

 

[bumbershoot]

No one really prepped us for what it would be like to parent a child with RAD. I had to do research and find out what RAD was on my own.

When I was a practicing chiropractor, I worked in a close office with some other alternative practitioners. We had a practice member who had adopted an older Romanian girl (and this was in the later 90s, so you can just imagine the conditions of her pre-adoption life) and it was just SO hard. She was a single adoptive mom, so it was just her and the girl...luckily her job and financial situation allowed her time and funds to do SO many things....not just counseling, but many alternative therapies (including seeing me) that really seemed to help the girl. But not everyone has the time, money, inclination, and/or belief to do that sort of thing. Every single weekday they had some sort of appointment...every single day.

It just really showed me how much work parenting can take...and she was lucky b/c she had the time and money...not everyone does. It can't be easy if you don't, b/c I saw how hard it was even though she did.

 

[creativeamanda]

I've seen people have suggested that the parent should have contacted CPS. That is all fine and good, but I know a mother who did contact CPS for her child who threatened to kill her and her other son. CPS basically said that they could do nothing and would do nothing. I'm not condoning what this woman did, but in a perfect world there would be great options. It seems like if she was contacting all of these other people, she probably did contact a social worker.

In the case of this boy I know (age 8--I've seen people online find it hard to believe an 8yo would do something like this), he targeted and attacked another 8yo at school. The school contacted the authorities and the parents of the other kid pressed charges. The 8yo stayed in a psych ward for 6 weeks following the incident. Last week he was again recommended for expulsion from school for trying to catch the bathroom on fire. He had been diagnosed with RAD and childhood schizophrenia.

The bottom line is we don't know what was going on in that house. How did our society get to a point where an adoptive mother felt her only option was to send the child back to Russia? Was the Russian agency completely forthright in the situations regarding the boy or did they do what they could to move an older, sometimes less adoptable child out of their system?

I agree that the adoptive mother was wrong, but there is seriously something wrong with the system. Personally, I would not trust anything a Russian adoption agency told me about a child, especially after this.

 

[Mermaid02]

It seems to me EVERYONE failed this child. The Russians for not letting prospective adoptive parents know what they were getting into and the adoptive family for giving up. This woman couldn't have been properly screened. It said in the article I read that the boy told his mother he had been beaten in the orphanage with a broom handle. THERE IS NO WAY I COULD SEND HIM BACK THERE NO MATTER WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Did this woman handle this correctly - NO.
Do I condone it - NO!

As the mother of a severe RAD child adopted from an Eastern European orphanage, I can totally see where someone might WANT to do this.

Parenting a child like this is like none other. They can be violent, self mutalating, extremely irritable, illogical, extremely hyper, irrational, pyscho, depressed, elated, manipulative, scheming, they will start fires, sexual abuse themselves or others, are overtly sexual, steal, pee/poop anywhere and sometimes smear it on walls, etc. And this is just the half of it. They will try to destroy anything and anyone because they did not receive the proper love and attention in those first critical years. They play mind games with you and will destroy a healthy family unit within months. Love is not enough with these children.

Professionals are perplexed at what to do about these children and therapy does not work. It leaves parents broken, worn out and confused. Most times, with RAD children, it is actually the parents who are abused. Some parents will say that they have adopted many children and everything worked out fine. For them I say - congratulations. You are one one of the lucky ones to not have experienced SEVERE RAD.

No one can pass judgement on these parents unless they themselves have parented a severe RAD child for at least 3-6 months.

This woman obviously needs to be punished for the way she handled this situation. But if its true that this boy has severe RAD then I believe she needs our prayers more than our condemnation.

I'm sorry for what you and your child have gone through. Thank you for shedding some insight on what may have factored into this situation.

ITA

She did not handle the situation correctly, but if she truly feared for her life and felt like she had no choice.........I'm not going to sit here and condemn her. We don't know the whole story. People have thrown innocent newborn babies into the trash, this was a 7 year old that was threatening to kill them, it's not that hard to understand that someone would be overwhelmed by this and make a poor decision.

I hope Russia and the US take a serious look at the whole process. It is disheartening to me that people will pay so much to get a child from Russia who people have admitted they never know the real truth about, instead of adopting a child right here at home.

I agree. I do think there needs to be some investigation of the process to protect the children and the potential parents. I don't think the mother did the right thing by any means. The whole story needs to be investigated.

It's clear the adoptive mother was lied to. The second article states:

Russian officals deny Hansen's claims about Artem having severe behavioural problems and being mentally unstable.

'We are shocked by how the American family has treated our child. Artem grew up as a completely normal, relatively advanced child for his age, and healthy. Does she count being flatfooted as a disability?

'No other medical abnormalities were found. The child was completely ready for school (Russian pupils start school at seven years of age) and had learned to read when the American mother came to the orphanage.'

​

Yet then it goes on to say:

The child's real mother Ekaterina was deprived of her parental rights because she was an alcoholic, officials said yesterday.​

The child had FAS at the least, and severe RAD in a worst case scenario. Was this woman dumb for thinking she was getting the whole story? Yes. Was she wrong for taking the actions she did? Absolutely. But I agree with a PP that when you feel physically threatened and psychologically abused you aren't in the best place mentally to be making good choices. Her actions speak of desperation and panic to me.

The more you read about it, the more questions come to the forefront.

I'm wondering if the child abused her other son. I can see how that would drive a parent to desperate measures. I'm no condoning her actions, but as i said earlier, the problem is so much more complex that just she didn't want him anymore.

It does sound like a complex scenario.

For a Mom to go through all that to adopt and then to give him back, there must have been extreme issues. I wonder if US authorities or organizations could have helped her, or maybe she felt that she had no other choice. Heartbreaking for everyone involved.

ITA.

 

[Luvchefmic]

The only thing I have to add is that I plan to keep a lot of people in my prayers: the little boy that was sent back, the birth mother that has problems, the adoptive mother that did what she did, the adoptive mothers birth son who is learning God knows what from this whole situation, the authorities here & there to have wisdom and last but certainly not least the wonderful & caring people that are involved in the process of adopting between these 2 countries that adoptions aren't ceased ...causing more heartache to countless families and waiting children...what a shame

 

[luvmy3]

I know RAD relatively well, having worked as a teacher specializing in children with emotional issues and as a behavior analyst with kids with RAD. I know how challenging and devastating it can be for a family and for a child. I know that we need more resources to help parents whose children suffer from this an other mental illnesses.

However, I'm also disturbed by the fact that people seem to be saying that if people knew how bad RAD can be, or how hard it is to find help we might be more forgiving. I feel very strong that as a society we need to draw certain bright clear lines between what is and what isn't acceptable, and sending your child off on a plane alone with a note is one of them. It's illegal, it's child abuse, and there is no excuse for it.


I think those parents need to be in jail for a long time. Grandma too.

Exactly. Apparently this woman chose the easy way out by shipping him back with a note like he was defective merchandise. While I do believe there is much more to this story than we know, I'm certain that if they had tried to go through the proper channels to send him back the Grandmother would have mentioned that.
I don't care what transpired for her to feel that she had no other choice, that is no excuse for the kind of person this woman is, to be able to do that to a 7 year old child that she promised to be a mother to. I understand that she felt threatened, but did she seek help? Did she do her research like the pp? Did she send him to therapy? If after all that there was nothing that could change, there are ways to go about returning him to the orphanage. It seems like she wasn't even willing to do any of that.

 

[DawnCt1]

The story's on ABCs Nightline right now. Looks like the mother is in big trouble.

I am a thinking that a woman so desperate as to send a child back on a plane doesn't care about her potential legal problems. Anything else may seem smaller than coping with the adopted child on a day to day basis.
What will they do? Make her take the child back? Of course not. Does anyone want the child with her anyway? That would make no sense.

 

[iwrbnd]

The only thing I have to add is that I plan to keep a lot of people in my prayers: the little boy that was sent back, the birth mother that has problems, the adoptive mother that did what she did, the adoptive mothers birth son who is learning God knows what from this whole situation, the authorities here & there to have wisdom and last but certainly not least the wonderful & caring people that are involved in the process of adopting between these 2 countries that adoptions aren't ceased ...causing more heartache to countless families and waiting children...what a shame

Well said! I'm joining you in those prayers!

 

[sparklynails23]

I completely agree. There should be more resources to help these adoptive parents, but putting a child on a plane and sending them across the world with a note is not okay under any circumstances.

Those parents are choosing to adopt. They are paying to adopt. As another poster pointed out, they are assuming the responsibility of any medical issues that should arise (and apparently aren't disclosed). They are not the responsibility of our government. We shouldn't be providing them resources. I think the lady exercised her only option. If the adopted child has undisclosed emotional issues that make him a danger to the new family, the orphanage (in Russia) should take him back. I'm sure she was afraid that Russian authorities would arrest her if she tried to do it in person, so she sent him by himself. The Russians should allow the parents to bring the kids back. Problem solved. Our government should not provide resources to try to fix these kids.

 

[sparklynails23]

The mother has said the boy had a hit list. She found him lighting papers on fire in his room and feared for her family's safety.

 

[Mermaid02]

Those parents are choosing to adopt. They are paying to adopt. As another poster pointed out, they are assuming the responsibility of any medical issues that should arise (and apparently aren't disclosed). They are not the responsibility of our government. We shouldn't be providing them resources. I think the lady exercised her only option. If the adopted child has undisclosed emotional issues that make him a danger to the new family, the orphanage (in Russia) should take him back. I'm sure she was afraid that Russian authorities would arrest her if she tried to do it in person, so she sent him by himself. The Russians should allow the parents to bring the kids back. Problem solved. Our government should not provide resources to try to fix these kids.

That's cold.

 

[lemondog]

Those parents are choosing to adopt. They are paying to adopt. As another poster pointed out, they are assuming the responsibility of any medical issues that should arise (and apparently aren't disclosed). They are not the responsibility of our government. We shouldn't be providing them resources. I think the lady exercised her only option. If the adopted child has undisclosed emotional issues that make him a danger to the new family, the orphanage (in Russia) should take him back. I'm sure she was afraid that Russian authorities would arrest her if she tried to do it in person, so she sent him by himself. The Russians should allow the parents to bring the kids back. Problem solved. Our government should not provide resources to try to fix these kids.

Why? They are American citizens just like you or me. They become citizens the moment they touch down on American soil, because in Russia the adoptions are finalized over there. And we all know the US does not recognize dual citizenship, so as far as the government is concerned they are American citizens, period.

 

[sparklynails23]

Why? They are American citizens just like you or me. They become citizens the moment they touch down on American soil, because in Russia the adoptions are finalized over there. And we all know the US does not recognize dual citizenship, so as far as the government is concerned they are American citizens, period.

That's why the adoptions need to be stopped until some guidelines are set. We can barely afford to take care of the problems our current citizens have, let alone importing these problems from overseas. A lot of parents adopt these kids to give them a better life. That's all fine and well if you can take care of the child, but it's wrong to sign the rest of us up for an obligation you are assuming.

 

[luvmy3]

Those parents are choosing to adopt. They are paying to adopt. As another poster pointed out, they are assuming the responsibility of any medical issues that should arise (and apparently aren't disclosed). They are not the responsibility of our government. We shouldn't be providing them resources. I think the lady exercised her only option. If the adopted child has undisclosed emotional issues that make him a danger to the new family, the orphanage (in Russia) should take him back. I'm sure she was afraid that Russian authorities would arrest her if she tried to do it in person, so she sent him by himself. The Russians should allow the parents to bring the kids back. Problem solved. Our government should not provide resources to try to fix these kids.

I happen to argree and besides don't parents of adopted kids have the same resources available to them as parents of bio children do? In fact, they have another because they are able to send the child back (using proper channel) if things don't work out. Although I'm sure its not as simple as saying "I just changed my mind".
This isn't about providing more, its about parents taking full responsibility and when they sign up to be a parent they take that role as serious as they take being a parent to their bio-children, who I'm guessing they wouldn't send on a plane somewhere with a note stating they dont want to be their parent any longer, no matter what kind of issues they have. You would do all you could to help your child, you would use any resource that was available so unless you are willing to that for an adopted child, don't adopt

 

[Pigeon]

The bottom line is we don't know what was going on in that house. How did our society get to a point where an adoptive mother felt her only option was to send the child back to Russia? Was the Russian agency completely forthright in the situations regarding the boy or did they do what they could to move an older, sometimes less adoptable child out of their system?

I agree that the adoptive mother was wrong, but there is seriously something wrong with the system. Personally, I would not trust anything a Russian adoption agency told me about a child, especially after this.

You don't work with "A Russian adoption agency." You work with a US adoption agency, and in this case, they worked with a reputable agency, the same one we used for our two international adoptions. We didn't adopt from Russia, however.

The way Russian adoptions work is that the agency prepares and sends the adoptive parents' paperwork to Russia. There is an office in Russia that approves them and then the parents are invited to travel to Russia. In Russia they are presented with information about the child. It is information given by the very underfunded and understaffed orphanage, which may or may not be accurate.

The parents then go to the orphanage to meet the child and decide whether or not to proceed with the adoption. They then go through legal proceedings in Russian courts.

One problem with RAD is that sometimes the symptoms don't fully manifest until the child is in a family and "threatened" by attachment. The kids can be charming on meeting them initially, so the adoptive parents may not be aware of issues.

I can understand disrupting adoptions if you think that it is required for the safety of the rest of the family. Occasionally these kids are so disturbed as to be very dangerous. But these people went about it in the wrong way. People may not be falling all over themselves to help, but it is possible to have the adoption disrupted if you follow the appropriate steps.