Failing as a Stepparent

[BreeBree]

My thirteen year old stepdaughter has been living with us since June, and I feel like I am failing as a stepparent. She was having a hard time at home with her mother and stepfather, so my husband and I said she could live with us. When my husband is around (he travels a lot for business, usually once a month or more), everything is great. She abides by our rules and is a joy to be around. However, the second he leaves, everything is awful: she breaks curfew, mouths off, uses bad language around my kids, along with other typical, unsavory teen behavior. I feel as though I have really tried to include her in our family, but she just seems unhappy. I just had a baby, so it has been especially hard. I have discussed this with my husband, but he just brushes me off. At this point, I'm really not sure what to do. She has put an enormous stress on our marriage, and part of me wishes she would just go back to living with her mother. I do genuinely love and care about her, but at this point, I'm ready to throw in the towel. How should I fix this?

 

[firecracker725]

My thirteen year old stepdaughter has been living with us since June, and I feel like I am failing as a stepparent. She was having a hard time at home with her mother and stepfather, so my husband and I said she could live with us. When my husband is around (he travels a lot for business, usually once a month or more), everything is great. She abides by our rules and is a joy to be around. However, the second he leaves, everything is awful: she breaks curfew, mouths off, uses bad language around my kids, along with other typical, unsavory teen behavior. I feel as though I have really tried to include her in our family, but she just seems unhappy. I just had a baby, so it has been especially hard. I have discussed this with my husband, but he just brushes me off. At this point, I'm really not sure what to do. She has put an enormous stress on our marriage, and part of me wishes she would just go back to living with her mother. I do genuinely love and care about her, but at this point, I'm ready to throw in the towel. How should I fix this?

With love and patience. Hang in there.

 

[aaarcher86]

I imagine that this is the reason she didn't get along well with the other home? Honestly, if you aren't the custodial household and she refuses to abide by the rules and be respectful she'd be right back at her mothers house. Shape up or ship out.

Your husband is the one that needs to step up though. He's the parent. Is this typical teen stuff and you're possibly either taking it personally or not used to it since you have younger kids? It's certainly not an excuse for the behavior, but could you be overreacting?

 

[BreeBree]

I imagine that this is the reason she didn't get along well with the other home? Honestly, if you aren't the custodial household and she refuses to abide by the rules and be respectful she'd be right back at her mothers house. Shape up or ship out.

Your husband is the one that needs to step up though. He's the parent. Is this typical teen stuff and you're possibly either taking it personally or not used to it since you have younger kids? It's certainly not an excuse for the behavior, but could you be overreacting?

I too thought I could be overreacting and that it was just pregnancy hormones, so I gave it a couple of months, but I really don't think I am. On Saturday night she went to a movie with friends and did not come home until around 2 in the morning. It was terrifying! Her curfew is 11. She has done a lot of stuff like this in the past. I told her she was grounded, but I have yet to see how good of a job my husband will do at enforcing it...

 

[luvsJack]

What kind of problems did she have with her mom and step-dad? Is it possible that she feels like they threw her out? Was it more of the step-dad than the mom? Maybe she is pushing so hard trying to see if you will send her away too?

Teens and kids don't think this stuff through exactly but they will seem to push against the people that are trying the most. Its like they are trying to see if someone really cares about them.

Will your husband not talk to her at all? The best thing would be that the two of you talk to her and let her know that you love her and will always be there for her and she will always have a home there but that this cannot continue. And if she cannot follow the rules, she will just have to deal with being grounded during the time her father is gone.

 

[sunshine1178]

My thirteen year old stepdaughter has been living with us since June, and I feel like I am failing as a stepparent. She was having a hard time at home with her mother and stepfather, so my husband and I said she could live with us. When my husband is around (he travels a lot for business, usually once a month or more), everything is great. She abides by our rules and is a joy to be around. However, the second he leaves, everything is awful: she breaks curfew, mouths off, uses bad language around my kids, along with other typical, unsavory teen behavior. I feel as though I have really tried to include her in our family, but she just seems unhappy. I just had a baby, so it has been especially hard. I have discussed this with my husband, but he just brushes me off. At this point, I'm really not sure what to do. She has put an enormous stress on our marriage, and part of me wishes she would just go back to living with her mother. I do genuinely love and care about her, but at this point, I'm ready to throw in the towel. How should I fix this?

Oh, my heart hurts for you. I had almost your exact situation 5 years ago. I wish I could tell you that my story had a happy ending, but it doesn't. A lot of people were hurt, and futures changed. With hindsight, here are things that I wish we had done differently:

* Meet with her mother and explain that for this to work, you all have to be on the same page. Whether she agrees with your rules, etc., the adults have to present a united front. The teenager can't keep running to her mother when she doesn't like what's going on at your house.
* Be honest with your husband about what happens when he's gone. I tried to cover for my SD to make myself look like a better parent, and it didn't help anyone.
* Group and individual counseling to help everyone see how they can be happiest in this new family arrangement.
* Develop a Plan B. If she can't stay in your home, will she go back to her mother? Boarding school?

Ultimately, your role as a mother is to keep everyone safe, physically and emotionally. If a member of the household is endangering themselves or others, they have to go - temporarily or permanently.

 

[Colleen27]

Have you tried telling her more or less what you've told us? If she won't respect your authority as her stepparent, she needs to be back with her mother and stepfather regardless of whatever problems she has there (assuming she's not in any danger). Your husband needs to be on the same page addressing it, though, and it doesn't sound like that's the case for you so that's where you need to start.

I know people like to go on and on about how the stepparent has no authority and shouldn't be doing any parenting or discipline, but in the real world that doesn't work. Nothing good can come of a teenager being in a home where she knows she only has to listen to/obey one of the adults unless that adult is going to be available 24/7. You especially can't have it when the adult she'll listen to has to travel for work. It isn't safe for her, it isn't fair to you, and it sets a terrible example for the younger children in the family.

 

[clarabelle]

I would sit down and talk to her. Tell her you love her and see if you can work together on some of these issues,
I would also consider sending her to therapy.

Also with teenagers I do think you have to "pick your battles"
If you are trying to get her to do something that just really isn't working (Keeping a spotless room for example) it might be easier to just give up on some things like that.

I can't imagine how hard this is for all of you. Parenting is hard period. I wouldn't hesitate to get help. School counselor? Church or synagogue?
Do you have a friend or relative that might agree to act as a mentor? Take her out to lunch occasionally and just talk to her.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I think a big clue is to find out if she obeys her mother and not her stepfather when at her mother's home.

If the answer is yes, then I think it's rather obvious that the problem is that your stepdaughter is not over her parent's divorce.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My thirteen year old stepdaughter has been living with us since June, and I feel like I am failing as a stepparent. She was having a hard time at home with her mother and stepfather, so my husband and I said she could live with us. When my husband is around (he travels a lot for business, usually once a month or more), everything is great. She abides by our rules and is a joy to be around. However, the second he leaves, everything is awful: she breaks curfew, mouths off, uses bad language around my kids, along with other typical, unsavory teen behavior. I feel as though I have really tried to include her in our family, but she just seems unhappy. I just had a baby, so it has been especially hard. I have discussed this with my husband, but he just brushes me off. At this point, I'm really not sure what to do. She has put an enormous stress on our marriage, and part of me wishes she would just go back to living with her mother. I do genuinely love and care about her, but at this point, I'm ready to throw in the towel. How should I fix this?

Well I think I would treat her as more of a "guest" in your home and not as a stepkid.

She is hammering you because you are the one who is pushing her to do better and parent her, which would be normal.

I find the "dry erase board" to be wonderful. It can be a good way to communicate with teens. Find other non verbal ways of communication. It helps, trust me.

Can you go into counseling with her? I highly suggest that. It may be a way of working out your living situation.

Also having a baby in front of her would be very painful to see for her. She craves the love and attention that the baby is getting so she seeks out attention from you in the way she knows how, through negative behaviors.

Many hugs to you. Hang in there.

 

[shortbun]

nanny cam and sit down with the whole family to watch it. It will be dealt with and the 13yo will know she can not misbehave without consequences. Or maybe just watch it with your husband so he understands. Obviously, he has not seen the behavior. It's really hard for some parents to admit their children could be flawed.

 

[caitlinsmom]

I too thought I could be overreacting and that it was just pregnancy hormones, so I gave it a couple of months, but I really don't think I am. On Saturday night she went to a movie with friends and did not come home until around 2 in the morning. It was terrifying! Her curfew is 11. She has done a lot of stuff like this in the past. I told her she was grounded, but I have yet to see how good of a job my husband will do at enforcing it...

Where was she until 2 am?
I have a 13 yr old and I always know where she is. If she goes to the movies we always know who is picking them up and when, it's part of the deal. If anything changes she texts me, if she doesn't text me she loses her phone and without her phone she doesn't go out anywhere.

 

[LegoMom3]

"I have discussed this with my husband, but he just brushes me off."

This is a huge red flag. Why does he just brush you off? Is he not willing to talk about her behavior at all?...does he not believe you about what goes on when he's not there? Most of how I feel has already been aptly stated by other replies, but I just want to stress looking into counseling. I have not had step-children, but I was a step-child so I've seen that point of view (though I had a fairly good relationship with my step-mom). This is a multi-faceted issue and without open discussion, things will only go from bad to worse. And I would make sending her back to her mom an absolute last resort. Teens crave and need stability in their lives; getting tossed back and forth is only going to send the message that she is not wanted anywhere.

Hugs and good luck to you all....

.

 

[worm761]

Honestly, you have a husband problem and not a step child problem. By not backing you or even bothering to listen to your concerns he is showing her that she does not have to listen to you, you have no authority.

If you husband refuses to listen then tell him you refuse to parent her. That she can either travel with him when he goes (I know unrealistic) or she can go back to her mother's house while he is gone. Personally, I would not tolerate it. He would be getting phone calls when she didn't come home. MAKE him deal with his child.

Edited to add that I agree with the nanny cam. If she is acting the complete opposite when he is home then he may think you are exaggerating. Prove your position when you approach him.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Honestly, you have a husband problem and not a step child problem.

Yes, this... 110%

Sorry!

 

[Wishing on a star]

AND, please, please, please, realize that you are NOT a failure. At all, in any way.

This is apparantly a difficult and/or troubled teen, who is from a broken family, has had trouble with her mother and family that she lived with in the past, etc...

In NO way, ever, should you expect yourself to just step in and 'successfully' parent a teen like this. Especially with everything else you have on your plate. If you husband is away that often, then, not only is the way he is brushing this off and expecting you to just 'deal'... very very wrong. His expectations ( and perhaps yours ) were probably not realistic to begin with.

This is definitely a problem with your husband. This girl's father.

 

[mom2rtk]

Honestly, you have a husband problem and not a step child problem.

Absolutely! That sentence about the husband brushing her off just LEAPED out to me from the original post.

I'm not living there dealing with the bad behavior, but I feel sorry for this girl. She must be very conflicted to have everyone around her going on with their lives and starting new families. She's probably acting out to get the attention of her mom and dad, and mom sends her to dad, who brushes it all off. 13 is hard enough when everything around someone is rock solid. What a challenge when there's no rock to retreat to. This has to be really hard for her.

That said, the OP is in the worst situation of all. She's bearing the brunt of the bad behavior but has no control.

OP, you need to get your husband's attention on this. He needs to take it very seriously or things can get a whole lot worse.

 

[BreeBree]

What kind of problems did she have with her mom and step-dad? Is it possible that she feels like they threw her out? Was it more of the step-dad than the mom? Maybe she is pushing so hard trying to see if you will send her away too?

She was getting poor grades and apparently she was constantly fighting with her mother. Her stepfather isn't all that involved with raising her. I don't really know the specifics. As of now, she's doing very well in school, so that problem seems to be fixed. She's very smart and sort of manipulative, which was probably part of the problem.

Where was she until 2 am?
I have a 13 yr old and I always know where she is. If she goes to the movies we always know who is picking them up and when, it's part of the deal. If anything changes she texts me, if she doesn't text me she loses her phone and without her phone she doesn't go out anywhere.

I dropped her off at the movies around 7 PM, and she told me that her friend's mother was picking them up and taking them home. I spoke with the mother when I dropped her off. When she wasn't home by 11, I texted the mother, and she said that her daughter told her they switched plans and I was picking them up. So I waited, and when the other mother's daughter was home by midnight, I figured my stepdaughter wouldn't be far off. I was wrong. I then kept calling my stepdaughter, but she would not answer her phone. It was a very scary couple of hours. I wanted to go look for her, but with four little ones at home, I couldn't exactly leave. I really have no idea where she was, and she won't tell me. I'm assuming she probably went to IHOP with friends, but who knows. It worries me.

Honestly, you have a husband problem and not a step child problem. By not backing you or even bothering to listen to your concerns he is showing her that she does not have to listen to you, you have no authority.

My husband and his ex divorced when she was 3, and he did not see her much when she was little. He was working hard at the time, and we got married and started a family a couple years later. He still has regrets regarding her childhood, so I think by being a "cool" parent, he thinks he's making up for it now. It's tricky. He believes me, but he doesn't want to "believe" that his daughter could be doing these things. He was concerned about the curfew breaking, though.

 

[lizabu]

I have a feeling this behaviour is what Mom was seeing. My guess is this kid doesn't like rules and she was pushing the boundaries with Mom and Mom didn't tolerate it so she ran to Dad. Now all she has to do is act like an angel in front of Dad and she can run wild. I think you're seeing who she really is. You need to call Mom and let her know what you're seeing and see if that's what she's been dealing with all this time. Once you find out the two of you need to talk to Dad. He's being conned. Once he is aware of what's going on he needs to step up and get his DD under control. I find it hard to believe that he wasn't aware of the 2 am thing, unless he just wasn't home. You don't do your kids any favours being a Disneyland parent (that's an actual term where you want to be the fun likeable parent). He's going to create an out of control monster.


ETA - I'm a Step Parent myself. My job is to be a friend and confidant to my Step Child. The Parents get to do the parenting.

 

[sandynd]

Oh boy, your husband is not doing anyone any favours there. He is trying to be her friend, not her dad, and she will triangulate against you all she can. I agree with the nanny-cam. If he refuses to believe it when he just hears about it, make him face it on video. If he still does nothing, I'm afraid this could escalate and really do damage to you and your children.