Experiences with Skipping a Grade?

[Hardy]

My daughter skipped first grade. Hers was for academic reasons. She was very unhappy in kindergarten and did not fit in with other kids. They were non-readers, took naps, and just were not her social or academic level. She started hybrid k-1st then went on to second. She has been happier socially but is still bored with school work.

It is not an easy decision to skip, and there are cons. She had to leave behind some friends, and she will not experience some things at the same time as her peers like driving. She will be barely 17 when she goes to college. For her right now, skipping was the right thing to do, but I don't know what the future will hold. She is only in 4th grade now.

I personally would not consider skipping for social reasons. Even skipping 1st grade left some academics holes, especially in social studies and science since she just never covered it. She easily caught up, but she is literally a genius. Not to say that to brag or anything, but it makes catching up academically a non-issue for her personally.

I would ask the school to purchase and use the Iowa acceleration scale to decide if she should skip. It takes opinion out of it and makes a very clear decision on whether a child should skip a grade. That's what we used and I felt it was much better than me or a teacher or whoever deciding.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have a good friend with a son like this. Academically, he's very gifted, but he's also much more comfortable with adults than his peers (he's a friend of ds14). Although all of his friends are great students, in honors classes, and are in the same musical program he is in, he still misses the mark a bit socially. Honestly, putting him ahead a grade or two wouldn't have helped - as a freshman, he is still above a level socially than most seniors.

What did help was finding a somewhat eclectic nerd crowd in HS - debate clubs, jazz bands - whatever the child is interested in. I think girls take a huge leap away from maturity in middle school - elemetary school girls are more mature. OP, when you say your child is "older" than the girls her age, I'm suspecting you don't mean that she is totally into boys, is bursting into tears for no reason every other minute, and her world revolves around her bff's. That is your typcial middle school girl.

 

[wiigirl]

We didn't skip a grade, but your daughter started school year. She will graduate at 17. It hasn't really bothered her at all. But I wouldn't skip a grade unless the child was ahead academically.

This...

 

[jrmasm]

zoemurr and others who warn of Middle School's perils: Do you think that there would then be any advantage to my DD then only having to endure two years of MS hell rather than 3? That's a big difference. I see this as a potential side perk of accelerating her.

However I do realize that part of what makes MS so hard are the social/emotional and physical changes that are simply a necessary part of growing up that all kids must go through at some point . . .

Nope.

I went to school A for 6th grade (middle school)

Moved for a year out of state and went to school B for 7th

Returned back to school district of school A to attend school C (high school) for 9th.

It was the 9th graders that were awful to me.

If her current group accepts her even without her having super close friends, I really think you should leave her where she is.

 

[fae]

For a different perspective: I was 17 when I entered college and I don't think it was a problem at all. I have done very, very well and I don't think I ever felt extra pressure due to my age.

 

[bethy]

Nope.

I went to school A for 6th grade (middle school)

Moved for a year out of state and went to school B for 7th

Returned back to school district of school A to attend school C (high school) for 9th.

It was the 9th graders that were awful to me.

If her current group accepts her even without her having super close friends, I really think you should leave her where she is.

Thank you this is super helpful. Especially the bolded part. Her current classmates do know her and accept her I guess you could say. They respect her intelligence and work ethic and her ability (so far) to stand pretty firm against bullying and teasing. She holds her head high.

They don't have any desire to hang out with her though. She spends all of recess reading a book. She acts like she doesn't care but she really does. The rejection hurts and her walls are up and solid after years of rejection.

There are some kids who are comfortable without having any friends or many friends. She would loooooove to have some friends.

yes, my other big angle is to work on this outside of school. She does sports for this reason and others. But it's backfired a bit because there she is FORCED to be with kids her own age due to strict age cut offs. So she is an outsider on her selects soccer team as well. Her team mates are mostly sweet but for example they spend the team Christmas party playing hide and seek and intruding on every single room and closet in the host's house. DD was mortified to be rooting through someone's house like that and couldn't believe they were playing hide and seek.

She would prefer to stand around and chit chat and mingle. Like the adults do. She didn't let it show and played along though because she doesn't want to be the oddball.

i need to find a better group for her outside of school.

 

[EMHDad]

Let me start by saying that every child and every situation is different. Here's what we did...

Our oldest is in his 2nd year of Kindergarten. He made the age cut last year about about 2 weeks. As such, he was the youngest kid in class. As the spring began dw & self had to make a decision. Socially, he was fine. He makes friends very easier. Academically, he was keeping up with all his work we could have sent him to first grade and he would have been ok. However, the work was always a struggle for him and he was one of the slowest. Also, he was the smallest. I kid you not, in the spring the kids got measured for a project. Ds weighed less than EVERY other Kindergarten kid (boy & girl) in the entire school.

At the same time '60 minutes' did a segment on a new movement of 'red shirting' kindergarten kids. Parents are adapting Malcom Gladwell's book 'Outliers' to kids. We agreed with the actions and held our son back.

Now, he is one of the oldest in his class. Still not the biggest, but, not the smallest. He is a leader and the work comes faster and easier. The reasoning in 'Outliers' is that this builds year from year. His leadership skills will grow. His skills and education will grow at an accelerated rate, instead of always struggling and always playing catch up.

He wont be the last one to drive, to date, to enter puberty, etc. He had an advantage now by being slightly older that he didnt have last year. This will affect the education he receives and the person he becomes.

If teachers are recommending your daughter to skip grades for academic reasons, I want to respect their expertise. However, I have a difficult time seeing that skipping grades will improve social skills. My worry is that it would just make it worse.

 

[mickeyboat]

Er, yeah. 7th grade is when children are the craziest. Really. 6th grade, students still have the elementary mindset. By 8th grade, they have turned into high schoolers. In 7th grade, they are all crazy. Skipping a grade may exacerbate that.

I think this is the most important point in this thread. There is a gigantic difference in both the educational and social expectations of a 5th grader vs. a 7th grader.

In our school district, middle school starts in 6th grade, and the biggest challenge to many 6th graders is organization and personal responsibility. It is a huge change in focus for them, and even some of the best and most mature students have trouble. It took my very organized, mature daughter a little while to figure it out, even with all the tools her teachers gave her and my help, and she missed the K cut off by only one day, so she is one of the older kids in her grade.

Also 7th grade (where both of my DDs are now) brings an entirely different set of social expectations. It is a social disaster zone. It sounds like your daughter is a little socially awkward now, just wait until she hits 7th grade, where everyone has to look the same and act the same to be socially accepted. 7th graders aren't chit-chatting with parents at team Christmas parties or reading books at recess. I would be really concerned that 7th graders would see her as an outcast, and possibly an academic threat as well.

Here is my own experience. I skipped a grade (K-1). I was the youngest in most of my classes and I graduated at 17. I did just fine. But I also moved around a lot, including starting a new school in 8th grade. Let me tell you - it was REALLY hard. The "cool kids" did not want to accept someone new into their group. The only kids who would give me the time of day at first were the very unpopular kids. It took a lot of time and a lot of effort to find a social group I was compatible with - and I was not an "old soul." I wanted to be just like them.

I moved again in 10th grade, and found that move a lot easier. I think it is because high schoolers are much more comfortable in their own skins, have developed lots of interests outside of school, and align themselves with kids who share those interests, so it is easier to find a social place to fit in.

So, in closing. I would only move my child if it was for academic reasons and she was very strong and comfortable socially. I know this is a tough decision and you want to do the very best for your DD, but if I were you, I would not do it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, after reading more of this thread, re-reading your original post, and your most recent post.... I want to chime in again...

I noticed this:

We are considering having our DD skip grade 6 mainly for social reasons. She does not fit in with the kids at her current grade level at all. She never has. She is like a mini adult in a child's body - just totally in a different world than her peers...

And, this:

They don't have any desire to hang out with her though. She spends all of recess reading a book.

She would loooooove to have some friends.

She would prefer to stand around and chit chat and mingle. Like the adults do.

i need to find a better group for her outside of school.

I am going to have to agree with the last poster who said, "I am not sure that skipping a grade will improve social skills."

I am going out on a limb here.
I could be completely and totally wrong...
So, please accept these thoughts in the helpful way that they are intended.

When I read your posts, and your description of your daughter... especially given her age... I see a lot of things that really point to some Autistic/Asperger's social issues. And, some of the other related things that are common to these kids as well.

I notice the sitting and reading at recess...
The verbal chit-chatting...
The inability to make emotional-social connections and relations and interactions.

These kids can often can look like 'little adult'... 'old souls'...
This is very common.

My son has some disability/deficits that go along with these kinds of things.... So, I know that often one will see normal or even exceptional verbal and language and reading skills.

These kids can often to very well one-on-one, and with understanding adults...
But other kids, groups, teams, etc... These just somehow seem less successful.

And the 'own (totally different) world' type of thing.
All of these are known factors/flags.

I am thinking that maybe you have found one helpful idea at the end of your last post!!!! Perhaps a better activities/groups outside of school would be more of her niche.....

Hope this helps!

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'd question any teacher who suggests a child skipping a grade for social reasons. Social skills (and learning to deal with not 'fitting in' is a social skill!) can be worked on in school, and missing two years of curriculum can hurt her socially too. Group projects, field trips, and other events help connect a class.

Have you talked to her pediatrician about her issues? Not relating to peers, and feeling more comfortable with adults is a part of the autism spectrum.

It can also be a part of giftedness. I don't know if your daughter is gifted, OP, but if the teacher is recommending she skip grades, she's likely a swift learner and ahead of the class, I would hope.

My son is the same way. He'd much, much rather have conversations with adults than with other children his age. He just, however, switched schools and has made a few friends at his new school. They are more intellectual than any kids he had in his class at his old school.

Now, my son has been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, sensory processing disorder, and ADHD, but since he's switched schools, his anxiety and depression are pretty much gone and he's handling his SPD and ADHD way better. He is a completely different child and I am on cloud 9, so if your daughter is having any issues/problems at school, the change might be just what she needs.

Oh, and my son is most definitely not on the autism spectrum (I wanted to be sure since he has a few traits) and three different psychologists have said no. He, does, however have a high IQ.

 

[bethy]

It can also be a part of giftedness. I don't know if your daughter is gifted, OP, but if the teacher is recommending she skip grades, she's likely a swift learner and ahead of the class, I would hope.

My son is the same way. He'd much, much rather have conversations with adults than with other children his age. He just, however, switched schools and has made a few friends at his new school. They are more intellectual than any kids he had in his class at his old school.

Now, my son has been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, sensory processing disorder, and ADHD, but since he's switched schools, his anxiety and depression are pretty much gone and he's handling his SPD and ADHD way better. He is a completely different child and I am on cloud 9, so if your daughter is having any issues/problems at school, the change might be just what she needs.

Oh, and my son is most definitely not on the autism spectrum (I wanted to be sure since he has a few traits) and three different psychologists have said no. He, does, however have a high IQ.

What would you say is different about his new school that has made all the difference? That the kids are generally more intellectual? Is it a private school that caters to kids of a certain academic and intelligence level.

Does the "fresh start" with new kids contribute to his success there, do you think?

If we do have our DD switch schools i am trying to figure out what to look for. What would make a difference. The middle school she is slated to go to does have advanced level classes which she will qualify for whether she skips a grade or not. I am hoping that also might help her fit in a little better - to have differentiated classes.

 

[bethy]

OP, after reading more of this thread, re-reading your original post, and your most recent post.... I want to chime in again...

I noticed this:



And, this:



I am going to have to agree with the last poster who said, "I am not sure that skipping a grade will improve social skills."

I am going out on a limb here.
I could be completely and totally wrong...
So, please accept these thoughts in the helpful way that they are intended.

When I read your posts, and your description of your daughter... especially given her age... I see a lot of things that really point to some Autistic/Asperger's social issues. And, some of the other related things that are common to these kids as well.

I notice the sitting and reading at recess...
The verbal chit-chatting...
The inability to make emotional-social connections and relations and interactions.

These kids can often can look like 'little adult'... 'old souls'...
This is very common.

My son has some disability/deficits that go along with these kinds of things.... So, I know that often one will see normal or even exceptional verbal and language and reading skills.

These kids can often to very well one-on-one, and with understanding adults...
But other kids, groups, teams, etc... These just somehow seem less successful.

And the 'own (totally different) world' type of thing.
All of these are known factors/flags.

I am thinking that maybe you have found one helpful idea at the end of your last post!!!! Perhaps a better activities/groups outside of school would be more of her niche.....

Hope this helps!

Is there something about being on the autism spectrum that would change yours and others' recommedations? Like I said my DD has been tested to death and sees a Neuropsychologist who has been in practice for 25 years. We have a very comprehensive picture of where DD stands cognitively.

Regardless of *why* DD is the unique individual that she is, I am trying to figure out the best place for her to go to school next year based on her current behavior, environment and social needs.

 

[disykat]

Your dd will be older than I was when I graduated and went to college and I went at the normal age!

I think she'll be fine either way. She is the perfect age to fit in either class. It used to be kids graduated at 17 and 18. That was the NORM. Now it seems to be 18 or 19. I remember celebrating the 18th birthdays of several people in the dorm fall of freshman year, not just mine.

My oldest has a birthday the same week I do and he went to school a year later because cutoff dates had changed. We never talked about skipping a grade, though he probably could have. He was always mature for his grade. Junior year he came to me wanting to seriously consider graduating early. He ended up deciding to stay in high school and graduate with his friends, but I really feel like he was ready either way. I would have been sad to lose his senior year, but would have been on board if he felt that's what he needed.

 

[Mickeypooh99]

My advice would be not to base your decision on what you read on the DIS. This is a very personal decision. For some reason a lot of people are just set against skipping grades. That said, here is our experience.

We spent a couple of months making our decision to skip my oldest DS. When he was in first grade it was just so obvious he didn't fit in. He was so much more mature than the other kids, and he was way ahead academically. The teacher had him helping other kids with their work. Our school had no gifted program at all. There was nothing they could do to challenge him. We heard all the negative comments about skipping. We decided to go ahead and let him skip 2nd grade. It felt like the right decision. It has worked out great for him so far. He is in 7th grade, and he just turned 12 on Wednesday. We even took him out of school for 5 days in November to go to Disney. He is still at the top of his class, and now he takes 8th grade math. He has never had less than an A on his report card. He has a few close friends. He is happy.

I can't say how it will go as he gets older, but my guess is it will be fine. I don't understand all the people who say how bad middle school is. My DS enjoys school. He even wrote a paper on why they should have it year round!

We read a lot on the subject too. One book I found helpful was Genius Denied. They have a website that can be helpful. I do not think my child is a genius. I only think he is very bright, and mature for his age. We have never had him tested, and our school was very informal about skipping. We didn't have to do any testing at all.

 

[bjscheel]

I skipped 1st. I got along alright socially in K, and went over to 1st for reading and math. I had learned to read at 3. I know the principal worked with me in math one-on-one at some point. By the time 1st grade started, I was miserable. I spent recess swinging by myself. I begged my mom to homeschool. I wanted to play with the 2nd graders. After 2 weeks they moved me into second grade.

With an early October birthday, I was one of the oldest in my original class, and was only 1 month younger than the youngest of my new class. I did fit in a lot better with that class and was fine throughout the rest of my schooling. Still near the top of my class and in TAG, etc. Every once in a while, a classmate would be surprised when my birthday came along and I was "only" 14 or whatever, but that was the extent of any "issues".

That is my experience; however, that really isn't like your situation. I don't envy your position. It's hard to say if changing grades and/or schools will help at all. It can be so hard to make good friends even for kids who are more the norm. DD14 has a BFF (who isn't always a GOOD friend), and can talk to/joke around with any number of kids in her class, but she doesn't have a good group of close friends like I did. There are only about 25 girls in her grade, and few of them are really like her- for example not foul-mouthed or boy crazy. I hope when high school comes and the grades mingle more she will pick up a few more friends.

Does she know anyone in the older grades that could take her under their wing to get started? I would be interested to know her opinion of making these changes, too, though I understand not proposing it yet.

 

[Liberty Belle]

What would you say is different about his new school that has made all the difference? That the kids are generally more intellectual? Is it a private school that caters to kids of a certain academic and intelligence level.

Does the "fresh start" with new kids contribute to his success there, do you think?

If we do have our DD switch schools i am trying to figure out what to look for. What would make a difference. The middle school she is slated to go to does have advanced level classes which she will qualify for whether she skips a grade or not. I am hoping that also might help her fit in a little better - to have differentiated classes.

I think it was a combination of things. The school (just a regular public school, but in a better neighborhood and new) has just a lighter, more positive feel, for one thing. The principal is excellent and really builds up her staff (their confidence, moral, etc). She really looked at my son and the fourth grade teachers before deciding where to place him and she made the perfect fit. We love his teacher.

Also, I don't know if the classes are built by ability, but there are several kids in his class who share his interests (science, current event/political discussion, chess, etc) when he couldn't find any kids in his previous classes who did.

And, yes, I think the fresh start helped, too.

 

[kate_wdw]

Especially the bolded part. Her current classmates do know her and accept her I guess you could say. They respect her intelligence and work ethic and her ability (so far) to stand pretty firm against bullying and teasing. She holds her head high.

They don't have any desire to hang out with her though. She spends all of recess reading a book. She acts like she doesn't care but she really does. The rejection hurts and her walls are up and solid after years of rejection.

There are some kids who are comfortable without having any friends or many friends. She would loooooove to have some friends.

yes, my other big angle is to work on this outside of school. She does sports for this reason and others. But it's backfired a bit because there she is FORCED to be with kids her own age due to strict age cut offs. So she is an outsider on her selects soccer team as well. Her team mates are mostly sweet but for example they spend the team Christmas party playing hide and seek and intruding on every single room and closet in the host's house. DD was mortified to be rooting through someone's house like that and couldn't believe they were playing hide and seek.

She would prefer to stand around and chit chat and mingle. Like the adults do. She didn't let it show and played along though because she doesn't want to be the oddball.

i need to find a better group for her outside of school.

I think that the time and effort your DD would have to spend catching up academically and establishing herself with new kids would be better spent working on social skills (and I don't mean that as an insult, so please don't take it that way). Learning to connect with others is an incredibly important skill to have and one that sounds like it might be more of a challenge for your DD than for others.

Also, I can understand why you might want a fresh start for your DD, but until she has practiced and gotten more comfortable interacting with her classmates at recess, and finding topics to chat about that both she and others her age would like to discuss, and being able to comfortably talk about and do more age-typical things, I think the results are likely to be the same even if you change the environment somewhat.

If working on social skills sounds like something you and your daughter would be interested in, you could look for therapists who do Social Skills Training or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Social Phobia/Anxiety (though I'm not saying your DD necessarily has social anxiety).

I'm glad to hear that your daughter's classmates are kind to her

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I think something to keep in mind is that hs is not much better than ms in terms of kids being mean. Moving her ahead to get out of ms faster is just putting her in to hs drama faster. And it doesn't sound like she would fit in with high schoolers either. Do you know of a nice, intelligent girl a couple years older who could spend time with your daughter and give her feedback on what she thinks about your daughters ability to fit in? As a parent you might see an old soul, but even older kids might think she is weird. Also, what would it do to her self esteem if she thought she was getting a fresh start, but ended up not fitting in to her new grade/school either?

 

[Colleen27]

Do you really think a year will make that much difference for her regarding the social factors? My DD11 is at the opposite end relative to her peers - youngest in her grade, very academically talented, and an "old soul" in the way she relates to people - and being around kids a year or two older than her isn't any different from being in her own age group. Her interests aren't "kid interests" at 11 or 13 or 15 so one grade's difference doesn't matter much; she is very focused on college and career plans, into environmental issues and post-apocalyptic fiction, and very artsy. She gets along better with adults and forms close friendships with other kids who are like her (quirky, bookish, 'beat of their own drum' types) but when it comes to a general group of same-aged (11yo) kids vs a group of 12 or 13yos? In some ways she has an even harder time relating to the older group because she's not interested in fashion/trends, boys, or tween girl drama and there's more pressure to conform as they get older.

 

[runsandjumps]

Thanks everyone! i read through everything very quickly and need to go back and read again more slowly when all the kids are in bed and i can concentrate. I will take every word into account. I am determined to do my due diligence on this. It will take at least 2-3 months for us to make a decision.

To clarify a couple of things, my DD might not literally be a genius but she is very very intelligent. When a teacher explains something she gets it the first time. She has been pretty extensively tested both in school and out. All scores are in the 90+ percentile range. She has been mostly bored in class most of her elementary years. We have had to supplement outside of school to keep her engaged. She spent her entire second grade and third grade year mostly reading in class.

Our school district is populated by a pretty intelligent population with demographics that lean in that direction for several environmental reasons. it's hard to explain without saying where we live. Anyway but the district is also newer and not super well-funded. So the gifted programs are very limited and only the very tiny top percent of our already intelligent and competitive population recieves dedicated gifted education in the public schools. Also if i recall correctly from my previous research, don't you have to have like a 140+ IQ to be truly gifted?

DD gets straight A's in everything, including organization and practical categories. Her last three teachers back the idea of acceleration. Her current teacher feels that our DD catching up and filling that knowledge gap will be barely an issue if it's even an issue at all. She has a strong worth ethic and is highly motivated. (i don't know what this says about our school district, lol!)

To top it all off, her birthday is at the end of August. She made the cutoff for Kindergarten by a few days and we unfortunately elected at the time to wait to send her to K. So if we had sent her on time then she would be in sixth grade right now anyway. At a minimum we are trying to correct that !!!

In reading the very last part it strikes me less that you are trying to skip ahead but putting her where she should have been in the place.

ETA that changing grades in those years particularly will incredibly challenging.