Excluding A Family Member

[Katy Belle]

This isn't happening in my family, but in a close friend's. I was blown away when she told me and can't really figure out what I think! I wanted to see what you think.

Here's the story. My friend, April's MIL has decided that she will pay for a large beach house for one week this summer. She wants all of her children and grandchildren to come and spend the week. All except one Grandson. This Grandson is in his early-mid twenties and has moved back in with his parents. He can't keep a steady job. He has had run-ins with the law.It is suspected that he stole $ from one of the Aunts who will be on the trip. He ran away for a year as a teen and returned to his parents. So, the Grandma and most of the rest of the family doesn't want him included. The MILs other children, the Aunts and Uncles of this young man, really don't want him there either. They feel he is a bad influence to the rest of the kids, who are all teens and early-mid 20s.

So, what do you think??? The parents of this young man are hurt. Of course. On the other hand, do the others have a valid point? I'm not sure if violence has been a problem with the boy or not.

AND to add to it....he was adopted as young child by this couple. He came from a terrible past and has always had major issues, such as ADD, bi-polar disorder, etc. My friend feels like he'd been treated fairly through the years, but maybe not as much as "family" as the blood Grandchildren.

I think I may be more torn up about this than she is!!! Wanted to see what you had to say.

Katy

 

[crl]

I can understand both sides of the story. Of course the parents are hurt their son isn't included. But I'm not sure as one of the other family members that I'd want the kids around. Especially not if he's stolen from the family. I'm not sure the Grandma was right to include everyone but him, but I can understand why she would want it that way for the good of the group.

 

[brymolmom]

IMO - if you (or your friend in this case) are not paying for it - you have no say in who is invited. Of course, anyone who is 'against' that individual not being invited is free to say NO to the invitation themselves, but if you don't pay - you don't have a say (this is what I tried telling my mom every time she butted in on the invitation list for my wedding, but that's another story).

I have a brother who is a drug addict and a lot of these behaviors run true - he has stolen from most of the family, lies a lot, had run-ins with the law, etc. - really I can understand them NOT inviting him because who really wants to vacation with someone like this??? On the other hand - as a grandparent of this individual I would be more apt to do something like 'if you can keep a job and pay your parents $200 rent a month from now until the trip - then you can come' - just to give him some sort of incentive to turn things around. This, of course, is assuming that he'd even WANT to go to the beach house.

 

[DevilDuckie]

So... they don't want a possibly violent thief sharing a house with them on vaction and hanging around their kids?

I gotta go with this being a responsible choice.

 

[minkydog]

This isn't happening in my family, but in a close friend's. I was blown away when she told me and can't really figure out what I think! I wanted to see what you think.

Here's the story. My friend, April's MIL has decided that she will pay for a large beach house for one week this summer. She wants all of her children and grandchildren to come and spend the week. All except one Grandson. This Grandson is in his early-mid twenties and has moved back in with his parents. He can't keep a steady job. He has had run-ins with the law.It is suspected that he stole $ from one of the Aunts who will be on the trip. He ran away for a year as a teen and returned to his parents. So, the Grandma and most of the rest of the family doesn't want him included. The MILs other children, the Aunts and Uncles of this young man, really don't want him there either. They feel he is a bad influence to the rest of the kids, who are all teens and early-mid 20s.

So, what do you think??? .



Katy

I think the MIL can invite whoever she wants to the beach house she is paying for. This is a grown man we're talking about. He has made some poor choices and other adults do not feel comfortable with him. I'm sorry for his parents because I know they must be hurt & disappointed. But I'm with MIL on this one. If I had a grown nephew like this(oh, yeah, I do! ) I wouldn't want him there either.

 

[twooley2]

I think the person paying has the ultimate choice and can see how each side may feel. I also can see that it is not worth ruining a vacation for what may be a possibility of something with dramatics occuring and costing a lot or ruining the vacation. I also would think that someone like this would not even be the least interested in Disney they may get their kicks from some other methods. The parents by this time may be relieved to take a vacation without problems and I am sure they have been through enough to understand where others are coming from. As they also feel bad most likley because you can not ultimatley choose all decisions good or bad for your children, and that can be hard for a parent to have to face.

 

[deedeetoo]

The only thing that bothers me some is that he is adopted. I have one adopted child and I get very sensitive to things like this.

The issue here is whether he is being excluded because of all the trouble he has caused, or because they never really considered him to be a full member of the family. If there are other adopted grandchildren who are invited then that probably isn't the case. But, its possible they always considered him seperate, which may have led to some of his problems with other family members.

I'm not saying they should include him if he really is that bad, but if I were the parents I would probably not go if I thought that the fact that he was adopted had anything to do with him not getting invited.

 

[mom2aredhead]

The only thing that bothers me some is that he is adopted. I have one adopted child and I get very sensitive to things like this.

The issue here is whether he is being excluded because of all the trouble he has caused, or because they never really considered him to be a full member of the family.

Devil's advocate here. Maybe the reason he is out of control in his mid 20's is because people were too sensitive about his feelings and felt like they had to tip toe around disciplining him because he was adopted and wanted to make sure they were being "nice" and "loving" and "fair" rather than giving him a kick in the a$$ when he needed it. If he's had issues with theft, legal trouble, etc. I wouldn't want to vacation with him either, adopted or not. And if I was the one dropping a few grand on a house, I'd make sure he was not there to cause trouble for everyone else.

 

[livndisney]

The only thing that bothers me some is that he is adopted. I have one adopted child and I get very sensitive to things like this.

The issue here is whether he is being excluded because of all the trouble he has caused, or because they never really considered him to be a full member of the family. If there are other adopted grandchildren who are invited then that probably isn't the case. But, its possible they always considered him seperate, which may have led to some of his problems with other family members.

I'm not saying they should include him if he really is that bad, but if I were the parents I would probably not go if I thought that the fact that he was adopted had anything to do with him not getting invited.

THANK YOU for posting this!!!
I am also an adoptive parent and took issue with this. You worded it so much better than I would have.

 

[lntsmom]

Too bad the family didn't teach him this when he was 4 or 5. If you do bad and hurtful things to people they will choose to not be around you.

I think the grandparents' decision is spot on.

As for the parents, their child is an adult. They aren't doing him any favors by rescuing him from his bad choices. Maybe they'll learn from grandma and grandpa and kick the kid to the curb. Let him live with the choices he makes...that's what I say!

Adopted or not, his behavior is the issue.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Too bad the family didn't teach him this when he was 4 or 5. If you do bad and hurtful things to people they will choose to not be around you.

I've know many kids who were "taught" well. In the end it all comes down to each person's ability to choose good behavior or bad behavior. I would never say that every bad seed is that way because of poor parenting. Too many families have kids on both sides of the fence. You gotta watch out about judging others...

I think the grandparents' decision is spot on.

As for the parents, their child is an adult. They aren't doing him any favors by rescuing him from his bad choices. Maybe they'll learn from grandma and grandpa and kick the kid to the curb. Let him live with the choices he makes...that's what I say!

Adopted or not, his behavior is the issue.

That said, I do not disagree with the rest of your post.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

This is a pretty touchy subject... Even though the grandmother is paying for it, its not really her place to exclude any one person that is not really her child (its her grandchild). I think that rather than making the decition on her own, and really putting herself out there as the one that doesn't want him, she should have discussed it with the parents to see what they thought. I also like the idea of asking him to pay for part of his trip if he really wants to go. I don't know if he is the oldest child in the family or not, but if he is, that could be the reason for it - "Your old enough to pay for part of your trip, so you have to get a job and pay for part of it - if you cannot do that, then you cannot attend." Again, I think that is something that should be said by the parents, not the grandmother. Being abandoned by your birth parents can leave a child with a lot of emotional baggage, no matter how wonderful their addopted parents are - Why didn't they want ME? Whats wrong with ME? Maybe thats why he turned to a life of crime... Withouth knowing the child/family personally, no one can make a true "diagnosis" of this, but I think that this situation is more than just black and white, right and wrong.
Sarah

 

[deedeetoo]

I don't want to get too far off topic here but ...

All we know is that this person was adopted as a "young child". We don't know how young and what type of situation he was in before he came to them. Many children who are adopted have had very rough lives before being adopted including abuse, neglect, and just general bad influences around.

Maybe when he was young, this child was being taught that hitting was the way to react to problems. Maybe he was being taught that theft or selling drugs was a decent way to make a living. Maybe this child's birthmother exposed him to drugs and alcohol while she was pregnant. We don't know from the OP.

I'm know this does not excuse his behavior now. He is an adult and can make his own choices. Maybe his parents could have done more to stop this but it sounds like they were dealing with a lot. I just can't believe how judgemental some of the comments here have been. Being tough with a kid doesn't solve all problems.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

I don't want to get too far off topic here but ...

All we know is that this person was adopted as a "young child". We don't know how young and what type of situation he was in before he came to them. Many children who are adopted have had very rough lives before being adopted including abuse, neglect, and just general bad influences around.

Maybe when he was young, this child was being taught that hitting was the way to react to problems. Maybe he was being taught that theft or selling drugs was a decent way to make a living. Maybe this child's birthmother exposed him to drugs and alcohol while she was pregnant. We don't know from the OP.

I'm know this does not excuse his behavior now. He is an adult and can make his own choices. Maybe his parents could have done more to stop this but it sounds like they were dealing with a lot. I just can't believe how judgemental some of the comments here have been. Being tough with a kid doesn't solve all problems.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think if all of these behaviors occurred when he was a teen and has since been out of trouble then the decision to exclude him would not be valid. If the problems are still occurring now I would not have included him either. I don't understand why his being adopted should be the determining factor here.

If I had invited family on a trip whose behaviors mirrored this young man's, my DD would refuse to go and would not bring her DD in the house. She would feel the same if it was blood family or adopted or step family. I imagine the relatives in this family feel the same way. Perhaps the GM and the parents should explain to the young man that while they love him he needs to regain their trust before he will be given certain privileges back. Joining a family trip in which there will be children and money around is one of those privileges.

 

[toyac]

You are correct. But enabling him as an adult doesn't solve anything either.

I am with grandma...he can stay home. This decision is based on the greater good, just as it should be.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

I think one thing that some people are overlooking on the OP is that the young boy came from a bad past, has ADD and is bi-polor. I mean, these are medical problems that may be the cause of it. Maybe hes not taking the proper steps to controll it, we don't know from the OP, but he is still young and may be figuring things out for himself. Plus lets get a grip here people, this is a family vacation, its not like they are handing a hardened criminal a gun and saying, "Now don't do anything with this loaded semi-automatic." Maybe he needs to be given a chance and shown that the family are willing to trust him before he can take the steps to better himself. All I'm saying is to keep an open mind. Some people are just not good... some people are products of their environment and don't know how to cope in society without a lot of therapy and help... maybe thats all the boy needs, rather than being judged.

 

[momx2]

I think that the young man would need to earn the family's trust back before being invited. I would not want my young children around someone with his problems. Now, if he improved and a year down the road had been clean and sober and law-biding then give him another chance.

 

[wilderness01]

I think that the young man would need to earn the family's trust back before being invited. I would not want my young children around someone with his problems. Now, if he improved and a year down the road had been clean and sober and law-biding then give him another chance.

I have to agree with this. I wouldn't want this young man around my children and just because he is family doesn't give him an automatic pass to the vacation. If the parents are that bent out of shape then they can stay home too.

I have seen my girlfriend go through this over and over and over again. Her son is 23, never graduated high school, in constant trouble with the law, been in and out of jail numerous times before he was 18, has stolen from her, has harmed her where she needed medical treatment, smokes pot daily, has hearing loss/wears hearing aides, has depression, was molested at the age of 12, etc. etc. The list is long. Everytime he is in trouble he blames it on his hearing and depression. He is pretty crafty in his crimes and they are well thought out.

My friend wanted to bring him to my house once for a visit. My husband and I told her flat out no. I have to think about my own children and my husband/myself. I'm sorry if that sounds cruel, but his behavior is too irrational and always bad, so bad that I don't want him around. If that is judgemental, then so be it. I'm afraid I will some day see him kill my friend and that scares the daylights out of me. I have watched her go through this for the last 15 years and believe me, it is exhausting. I feel so bad for her, but she does enable him alot and has gotten nothing but grief from it. It is very, very sad to see.

 

[Judy WI]

I think that the young man would need to earn the family's trust back before being invited. I would not want my young children around someone with his problems. Now, if he improved and a year down the road had been clean and sober and law-biding then give him another chance.

We have someone in our family with issues also. I agree with this post that if he can keep his nose clean for a time then he would be welcome. Sorry to say ours can not and his mom can not see any problems with putting up with his drug use/no job/drinking/in trouble with the law - he has some medical issues so we should all excuse what he does. I think not. She even let the drug dealer come to the family vacation condo and now can not understand why her other children do not want to go with her again. So sad but just because you are a family member doesn't mean you have to be included with the rest of the family if you may be a danger to others. I agree it is a sad situation but I get so tried of excuses for the bad things that he does. Life is choices and we have to live with the choices we make, either good or bad.