Etiquette

[mom2my3kids]

Tacky, unless they are having a out of state wedding..Then they should have a big reception for the people who could not go to the wedding.

 

[Burnedout]

So unless someone can afford a large wedding or party they don't deserve to be celebrated. Somehow it seems that if someone can't afford the big party might be the one that needs the traditional "shower" for those stuck in the original definition.

 

[chimilady]

Traditions are allowed to change. I think it is far tackier to not want to celebrate every baby than to have a shower for each.

There is a difference between a shower and celebrating each baby. The whole point of a shower is that baby stuff is expensive, and if you already have a baby, you already have the stuff. Babies #2, #3, etc. don't need brand new car seats and cribs, and all of the big ticket items, because the parents already have that stuff. Clothes, yes, but you save that for AFTER the baby is born. I also don't even respond to baby shower invites for subsequent babies. I wait until after the baby is born and then send a card, or if they have a christening, save it for then.

 

[MomofDisneyLoversx3]

There is a difference between a shower and celebrating each baby. The whole point of a shower is that baby stuff is expensive, and if you already have a baby, you already have the stuff. Babies #2, #3, etc. don't need brand new car seats and cribs, and all of the big ticket items, because the parents already have that stuff. Clothes, yes, but you save that for AFTER the baby is born. I also don't even respond to baby shower invites for subsequent babies. I wait until after the baby is born and then send a card, or if they have a christening, save it for then.

So far I have stayed out of this. But my goodness this is mean spirited. Baby #2 or 3 may well need a new car seat or crib, for various reasons (ie safety recall, baby #1 is using it, etc). Also the point of the shower is NOT tht baby stuff is expensive. The point is to celebrate and 'shower' the expectant mother with good wishes and gifts, be they large or small. To not even reply to a shower invite is far ruder than sending out an invite to a shower for baby #2 or 3.

 

[AshleyD1983]

So far I have stayed out of this. But my goodness this is mean spirited. Baby #2 or 3 may well need a new car seat or crib, for various reasons (ie safety recall, baby #1 is using it, etc). Also the point of the shower is NOT tht baby stuff is expensive. The point is to celebrate and 'shower' the expectant mother with good wishes and gifts, be they large or small. To not even reply to a shower invite is far ruder than sending out an invite to a shower for baby #2 or 3.

I don't want to totally get off-topic from the original conversation, but I completely agree. We are having our second child in September. Our son will be 5 in July, and this time we are having a girl. We will basically need all new stuff. Our son is still in his original crib because his crib converted into a very nice full size bed. His car seat also converted into a toddler/booster seat. A lot has changed, improved, and come out in 5 years. Not to mention, a sports themed nursery isn't very suitable for a baby girl. Every single person (young, old, and in between) that I have talked to was all for having a shower for our second baby, so several people are hosting our baby shower. We have already bought a lot of the "big ticket" items, but I did register and we are having a shower. I guess I need to be put on the "tacky" list.

 

[MinnieMe129]

I don't want to totally get off-topic from the original conversation, but I completely agree. We are having our second child in September. Our son will be 5 in July, and this time we are having a girl. We will basically need all new stuff. Our son is still in his original crib because his crib converted into a very nice full size bed. His car seat also converted into a toddler/booster seat. A lot has changed, improved, and come out in 5 years. Not to mention, a sports themed nursery isn't very suitable for a baby girl. Every single person (young, old, and in between) that I have talked to was all for having a shower for our second baby, so several people are hosting our baby shower. We have already bought a lot of the "big ticket" items, but I did register and we are having a shower. I guess I need to be put on the "tacky" list.

Don't feel bad! Every child deserves to be celebrated. Perhaps a traditional shower isn't needed if there are multiple births very close together - but a celebration is certainly ok. I have a large group of college friends and many girls are on their 2nd and 3rd pregnancies. As a group we make a point to celebrate EVERY baby and for 2nd and 3rd babies we just pull our money together (contribute as much as you want) and purchase one very large gift card from the group. Many buy double strollers and of course diapers are always needed! If you have a group of people who are excited to celebrate with you, I say have a great time...get some updated items, some girly gifts and just enjoy. And, congratulations!

 

[talulabelle]

Bad etiquette. Totally tacky and rude. That is not a shower, but a gift grab in my opinion. They don't want to pay for more guests at their wedding, that is fine - but you don't expand the gift opportunities by inviting the 2nd or 3rd tier of friends to showers. Just wrong. I'm not surprised by the rudeness, lack of etiquette, or greediness of any brides anymore however. They have grown up in a generation of "there are no rules" "make your own rules" "do what makes you happy" "It's MY wedding" etc. What they don't realize is there ARE rules, they just were not taught them. There are also very good reasons for all of the rules called "etiquette" - the reason behind all of them is to not hurt people feelings, not take advantage of people, and to be kind to others. If you don't know etiquette, get a book and read up it. It will make your life better.

 

[MinnieMe129]

Oh, and to the OP, yes, that's very rude of the host. I would sent a nice card wishing them well and call it a day.

 

[talulabelle]

As far as baby showers for 2nd and 3rd kids....I think that is fine if there is a huge gap in between kids, and/or friends decide on their own they want to celebrate the occasion for you. A family member (mother, sister, etc) should not host or collaborate with the expectant mothers to arrange it. That then becomes a gift grab. If it is givien out of the generousity and kindness of others for you, then you are blessed and should be graciously thankful for such kind friends. But, if the expectant mother is helping arrange and call the shots, then that is rude and greedy.

 

[AshleyD1983]

Don't feel bad! Every child deserves to be celebrated. Perhaps a traditional shower isn't needed if there are multiple births very close together - but a celebration is certainly ok. I have a large group of college friends and many girls are on their 2nd and 3rd pregnancies. As a group we make a point to celebrate EVERY baby and for 2nd and 3rd babies we just pull our money together (contribute as much as you want) and purchase one very large gift card from the group. Many buy double strollers and of course diapers are always needed! If you have a group of people who are excited to celebrate with you, I say have a great time...get some updated items, some girly gifts and just enjoy. And, congratulations!

Thank you! We are quite excited!

 

[mjkacmom]

I totally agree with you. I had a small wedding and didn't do a shower. We didn't even do a wedding gift list because my husband and I had moved in together two months prior to the wedding and had already purchased everything we needed to start our life together. IMHO, to ask a guest to give you a wedding shower gift after you've been living together with your fiance is just insulting.

Really? DH lived with roommates for about 5 years before we moved in together, I lived alone for 4 years. We were certainly not living large - most of the stuff in both of our apartments came from dead relatives or off of the curb! Instead of mooching off of our parents after college, we paid rent, utilities, cable, car insurance, food, etc. He moved in with me 6 months before our wedding (after dating for 6 or so years).

Why should many of our friends, living still with their parents, be blessed with nice new items like blenders, towels, sheets, dishes, and not us? I gladly attended their showers, and gave lovely gifts. I didn't deserve a shower because I owned miss matched eating utensils and used everything? If anything, DH and I had less money than those who chose to live with mommy and daddy until their wedding day!

 

[NYCDiane]

Yes, this. To say nothing of the modern notion of registering for gifts; i.e., telling people what to buy them. The previous comments about underemployment and student debt underscore the harsh fact that, if anything, such people need to delay marriage. Maybe it's time to bring back the notion of the "hope chest"...for everybody.

I grew up at the tail end of the era when most young women had such a chest in the "hope" of using the contents therein during her marriage. I myself never had such a chest ("there's no hope for this one!"), but I dang sure had a cheap set of dishes, flatware, pots and pans,sheets and towels, etc. etc. before I moved on my own. And so did most of my friends.

Yes, exactly. If you can't afford a set of dishes, flatware, a couple of pots/pans, towels, sheets, a couple of coffee mugs, and a few glasses, then you're not financially ready to be married!!!!

Seriously, you're not getting furniture as a wedding or shower gift so you can't include that ---- and if you can't afford a bed, sofa, and TV, again, you're not financially ready to be married.

Why do people think they have to have a "registry" at Macys, Bed Bath and Beyond, or anywhere else?? Would it REALLY be just impossible to start your marriage without that tea kettle?? Or the crystal punch bowl??

I also remember the "hope chest". It's a shame people these days expect to have everything given to them rather than plan things out on their own and be prepared to start a life with another person.

"Let's have a huge, lavish wedding even though we can't afford a set of dishes ---- at least 200-300 people at the reception cuz we're just THAT special"

 

[okeydokey]

The problem with many shower registries is that people will put on items they would never dream of spending their own money on. $80 for 2 pillow shams, $120 a place serving for silver. It's obnoxious. If you have a registry, please be reasonable.

 

[talulabelle]

Yes, exactly. If you can't afford a set of dishes, flatware, a couple of pots/pans, towels, sheets, a couple of coffee mugs, and a few glasses, then you're not financially ready to be married!!!!

Seriously, you're not getting furniture as a wedding or shower gift so you can't include that ---- and if you can't afford a bed, sofa, and TV, again, you're not financially ready to be married.

Why do people think they have to have a "registry" at Macys, Bed Bath and Beyond, or anywhere else?? Would it REALLY be just impossible to start your marriage without that tea kettle?? Or the crystal punch bowl??

I also remember the "hope chest". It's a shame people these days expect to have everything given to them rather than plan things out on their own and be prepared to start a life with another person.

"Let's have a huge, lavish wedding even though we can't afford a set of dishes ---- at least 200-300 people at the reception cuz we're just THAT special"

Yep, it's obnoxious. And the people expect the nice pricey gifts they register for to be payed back the price per plate at the wedding. It's as if they aren't inviting people that they want to share their joy with, they are working out a financial deal or trade. I have actually heard young brides say things like"my dad paid $75 a plate and they gave me this dumb pitcher as a gift, it wasn't even on my registry"

 

[mjbaby]

I think the bottom line on all of this is: If you decide to marry and mark the occasion with a wedding of some kind, no matter what you do to celebrate or how you organize the event you will annoy someone. If you are lucky, that someone will keep it to him- or herself. If you are unlucky, there will be a post created about your perceived transgression on an internet message board.

 

[mjkacmom]

Yep, it's obnoxious. And the people expect the nice pricey gifts they register for to be payed back the price per plate at the wedding. It's as if they aren't inviting people that they want to share their joy with, they are working out a financial deal or trade. I have actually heard young brides say things like"my dad paid $75 a plate and they gave me this dumb pitcher as a gift, it wasn't even on my registry"

Wow - I don't know of where people could have a reception here for that little, or anyone who would give an actual gift for the wedding gift - and what the heck does one do with a pitcher?!

 

[discnewbie]

I know someone who was invited to a bridal shower and she found the invitation wording on it quite rude. It was a come-and-go envelope shower. The person hosting the shower made it clear that the place the shower was located at was a little cramped, so it would be an open house format (come and go, as they put it) and that the only gifts needed would be the ones that came in envelopes! -- aka, money. She declined to go. I thought this was quite a rude shower invitation, too -- never seen/heard of this kind before! Anyone out there invited to one of these?

 

[Burnedout]

Yep, it's obnoxious. And the people expect the nice pricey gifts they register for to be payed back the price per plate at the wedding. It's as if they aren't inviting people that they want to share their joy with, they are working out a financial deal or trade. I have actually heard young brides say things like"my dad paid $75 a plate and they gave me this dumb pitcher as a gift, it wasn't even on my registry"

Regional issue. I didn't know the whole "pay for your plate" thing until I started college with a roommate from New York.

 

[NYCDiane]

I know someone who was invited to a bridal shower and she found the invitation wording on it quite rude. It was a come-and-go envelope shower. The person hosting the shower made it clear that the place the shower was located at was a little cramped, so it would be an open house format (come and go, as they put it) and that the only gifts needed would be the ones that came in envelopes! -- aka, money. She declined to go. I thought this was quite a rude shower invitation, too -- never seen/heard of this kind before! Anyone out there invited to one of these?

This is beyond rude!!!! "Just drop an envelope of money and leave". I would have written something just as rude on my RSVP and mailed it back postage due!!!!

 

[NYCDiane]

Wow - I don't know of where people could have a reception here for that little, or anyone who would give an actual gift for the wedding gift - and what the heck does one do with a pitcher?!

I used to work for a large hotel chain. There were constantly wedding parties/receptions in the banquet rooms. Oh yes, people do bring lots of presents AND envelopes of cash. The couples usually had a "purse" or something for people to drop the envelopes in.