Etiquette

[Sagginit]

ok im going to side with rude. i'm currently in a similar situation where one of my friends has just decided to completely throw all etiquette out of the window. i know from a discussion we had before they finalized wedding plans their decisions were financially motivated and i'm really peeved b/c she is assuming i have no problem spending whatever she wants me to spend on the bachelorette she is planning and throwing for herself. i truthfully wanted to organize a bachelorette/shower for her as she has no bridal party but she has basically planned both (yes she is doing both pre-parties but having a destination wedding that not even parents are invited to)....... sorry i needed to vent because it feels so rude and like a shakedown

if you really want me to just "share" in the joy of your wedding but not attend show me pictures after it, talk about your plans, but don't only invite me to a party that was created just to give you gifts.

 

[AshleyD1983]

Tacky...

Agreed!

 

[MissHippy]

I've never heard of this before, maybe I'm old fashioned, but I think it's rude!

 

[Aliceacc]

I've never heard of this before, maybe I'm old fashioned, but I think it's rude!

I agree.. the phrase "gift grab" springs to mind.

 

[Sugardimples]

Sorry for the double post but I forgot to mention that the ex friend was angry those who were invited to the shower AND wedding didn't bring shower gifts then also give a wedding gift.

Giving a shower gift does not replace the wedding gift. It is in addition to the wedding gift. I don't think anger is called for, but one does not replace the other.

Also, you do not invite anyone to the shower who will not be invited to the wedding. You decide to have a small wedding (which is certainly OK), you then get a small shower.

 

[Freesia123]

I have a completely different take on this. I see it as an evening or afternoon out full of games and fun! If I were to go out with friends for dinner, or host themat my house it would cost me a minimum of $25 for my meal or hostess gift. So spend $25, go eat, have fun and be merry. If you don't think you'll have fun, don't go. My time available for socializing is too limited to worry about etiquette.

 

[DOREEN1779]

I've never heard of this before, maybe I'm old fashioned, but I think it's rude!

I agree. I would not go but I would send a gift, a book on proper etiquette. I have seen this issue addressed before and it is greatly frowned upon. Very tacky!

 

[TheRustyScupper]

From Emily Post Wedding Book:

Are shower guests wedding guests?
Yes, normally anyone invited to a shower would be invited to the wedding.
One exception: when coworkers wish to throw an office shower for the bride,
even though they are not being invited to the wedding.​

NOTE: We owned a bridal & formal store for over 25-years and had
all sorts of etiquette books, as well as answered questions of brides.

 

[ceecee]

I also think it's tacky. What about Facebook invitations to Grad parties as well as Thank you notes??? Is etiquette a thing of the past?

 

[4HppyCamprs]

I agree.. the phrase "gift grab" springs to mind.

Exactly. That is exactly what I thought when I read the OP. Extremely tacky.

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[roliepolieoliefan]

I also think it's tacky. What about Facebook invitations to Grad parties as well as Thank you notes??? Is etiquette a thing of the past?

Just got one of these from someone. She is married to a dear friend and they live out of state.

When they come "home" our dear friend will meet us somewhere or come visit . Her not so much , according to him she's doing this or that. Never can come with her husband.

Lo and behold her son( from a prior marriage) graduates this year and guess who got an invitation?

Yea right, I dont think we'll be attending.

 

[4HppyCamprs]

Adding "courtesy" invites to events still require a gift to be sent according to proper etiquette even if the receiver cannot attend.

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[Aliceacc]

Adding "courtesy" invites to events still require a gift to be sent according to proper etiquette even if the receiver cannot attend.

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According to whom?

I can't imagine how it's proper etiquette to obligate someone to send a gift, regardless of his or her relationship to the person hosting the event.

 

[peyjax]

Received a Bridal Shower Invitation. However, not a Wedding Invitation. I have been told not all shower guests are invited to the Wedding. Apparently, the Wedding is small.

Is this common today. I've not heard of this before. What is proper etiquette
In this situation?

My first thought was T-A-C-K-Y and how rude! Then I completely realized I did this. Well not me but my in-laws.

Our wedding was huge (like 400 people huge). I was not crazy about it and wanted a destination wedding as it all seemed overwhelming. Mind you this was 10 plus years ago before the destination thing hit it big. My dh wanted the traditioanal as did everyone in family except my sister. The invitation list thing was hard as we both know a lot of people. Not work mates but actual friends and family. My in laws had a list and Dh had run out of room on his side of list so his Mom asked if she could throw a shower. It was done very nice at a nice reception hall (one we looked at for wedding) with music and nice dinner. It was casual nice. It actually turned out very well but I remember being a bit uncomfortable knowing that many were not invited to the wedding. They all seemed ok with it and were happy to be there. However I would have been completely understanding of those who did not wish to come. The reality was I really did not know who was and was not invited as it was his side.

So in the end if you feel like it is a gift grab then don't go. However if it feels like they truly want you to be a part of the celebration of their marriage
then go celebrate!

If I had to do over again it would no way be a big wedding! That was way too stressful. You live and learn.

 

[luvmy3]

If they are really just having a small wedding I'd most definitely go to the shower to have a chance to celebrate. I don't see how one is connected to the other. I don't see my gift as a buy in for the wedding.

There could be a lot of reasons for a small wedding. Finances, Family issues, or a health problem.

Lol, people are all too eager to connect their gift to other invites. And too eager to look for a reason to cheap out. That is far tackier in my book.

The point of a shower is to celebrate by "showering" the BTB with gifts, so there really is no way to separate an invite to a shower and a gift buy in so to speak.
Traditional etiquette is that if you invite one to a shower, its because they are going to be invited to your wedding as well. Inviting someone to a shower without any plans to invite them to the wedding is tacky. Of course everyone is free to go regardless, but it doesn't change the fact that it is poor etiquette. It doesn't make any difference what the situation is, family issues, health, etc, if those things keep you from having a large wedding, then they should keep you from having a large shower too.

 

[usd2bmd]

Another reason for being excluded could be religious. Some denominations and religions do not allow non participants of the faith to attend religious ceremonies.

If I cared about the couple I would go, but it is not okay to invite to a person to a shower and not the wedding, unless there are other circumstances that you hopefully would be aware of.

Could I ask what religion does not allow this? Just curious. I have never heard of this.

 

[Aliceacc]

Could I ask what religion does not allow this? Just curious. I have never heard of this.

And I would also imagine that if you were of that faith, anyone close enough to be invited to a shower and a wedding would be aware of the issue.

 

[Sphinx610]

Received a Bridal Shower Invitation. However, not a Wedding Invitation. I have been told not all shower guests are invited to the Wedding. Apparently, the Wedding is small.

Is this common today. I've not heard of this before. What is proper etiquette
In this situation?

Yeah it's totally rude and not proper etiquette. This happened to me too. It was my husbands FIRST COUSIN! Granted we don't talk a lot but jeez,... And his aunt was the one sending the invites!

That's totally rude in my opinion. I was raised to believe that if you are invited to the shower, you are invited to the wedding. So, what they are saying is you're important enough to give us a gift but not important enough to attend our wedding. Now, I wouldn't feel this way if it was a destination wedding and they knew it would be financially impossible for guests to attend.

Totally agree. However if you are having a destination wedding in like another country or something many times they have a reception back "home".

 

[LuLuO]

Everyone invited to the shower should receive a wedding invitation as well.

On the other topic, a shower gift does not take the place of a wedding gift.

 

[Claire&TheBoys]

I see it both ways. I just went to a bridal shower for a girl who grew up in our church. I know her mother, and the bride baby-sat our kids a few times. We didn't get an invitation to the wedding, but it's in another city. Had it been at our local church, I'm sure we'd have been invited and attended.

In our church, friends of the church kid's mom will throw a big shower for the bride (even if the bride didn't grow up at our church but her groom did). Anyone the family knows is invited. I don't think of it as a "gift grab" but helping a young couple start their life together. Many of the "kids" are in their early 20s and haven't had time to accumulate household goods. Most of the weddings are formal church events and receptions are typical for our area: in the church fellowship hall with heavy hor d'eourves, punch and cake.