Etiquette

[lost*in*cyberspace]

Adding "courtesy" invites to events still require a gift to be sent according to proper etiquette even if the receiver cannot attend.

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This is incorrect. According to proper etiquette, a gift is NEVER required.

 

[LockShockBarrel]

Giving a shower gift does not replace the wedding gift. It is in addition to the wedding gift. I don't think anger is called for, but one does not replace the other.

Also, you do not invite anyone to the shower who will not be invited to the wedding. You decide to have a small wedding (which is certainly OK), you then get a small shower.

What I meant was that the girls invited to the shower who were also invited to the wedding gave weddings gifts but not shower gifts. This girl was mad they didn't bring gifts to each.

 

[travelitis]

It's really pretty basic. If someone is good enough to give you a gift, they are good enough to come to the wedding. The exception is the work associates throwing a shower. It's not trying to cheap out. It's a matter of expecting a minimum level of social graces.

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-...vite-bridal-shower-guests-to-the-wedding.aspx

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/27/fashion/weddings/questions-on-wedding-etiquette.html

 

[Pooh2]

Agree with very tacky!

 

[mjbaby]

And I would also imagine that if you were of that faith, anyone close enough to be invited to a shower and a wedding would be aware of the issue.

Non-LDS people are not permitted to enter LDS temples, for one example. Also, some Orthodox or extremely conservative Jewish communities prefer that non-Jews do not enter the synagogue sanctuaries. And in some very conservative Roman Catholic churches non-RCs cannot approach the altar, which makes weddings tricky in small spaces (we were told we could not marry in a tiny RC church 18 years ago b/c I am not RC and I would have been saying my vows too close to the altar). Some Hindu temples are restricted to non-Hindus, also.

So, yeah. This kind of thing happens in different ways in different communities. Granted, the OP would likely know if the bride's faith community has this kind of restriction.

 

[Aliceacc]

Non-LDS people are not permitted to enter LDS temples, for one example. Also, some Orthodox or extremely conservative Jewish communities prefer that non-Jews do not enter the synagogue sanctuaries. And in some very conservative Roman Catholic churches non-RCs cannot approach the altar, which makes weddings tricky in small spaces (we were told we could not marry in a tiny RC church 18 years ago b/c I am not RC and I would have been saying my vows too close to the altar). Some Hindu temples are restricted to non-Hindus, also.

So, yeah. This kind of thing happens in different ways in different communities. Granted, the OP would likely know if the bride's faith community has this kind of restriction.

RIght. I agree that lots of churches have the restriction, but I can't imagine a close friend or relative of the couple being unaware of that.

 

[sweetdana]

If it is ready a small wedding due to finances, she may want you there but cannot afford it. Also a destination wedding makes sense too, and a. Forgotten invite does too.

I wouldn't do it, but I crossed out 30-50 people from my wedding due to $$ if I had to cross out another 50, I would have loved this idea. I thing 80 ish came.

Sometimes $$ isn't there end of story. Call them rude, or realize borrowing 5k more to n it's everyone you really want is a way to start a life 5k more in debt.

Go if you want, skip if you want, but don't go and be angry. It is probably harder to not invite you then you to not get an invite.


Also we got missed on a invite to a wedding totalllllly. Accidental. They have wayyyy more on their plate right now.

 

[disykat]

I've gone to showers for people who were having very small or destination weddings. I wanted to go to the shower and celebrate with the bride to be, so it didn't occur to me to be offended.

If you are offended and don't want to go, don't.

 

[Freesia123]

The trend here is no shower at all. You invite everyone to the wedding, close friends and close family to the dinner, and everyone you can think of for dessert and dancing. Out of towners are always invited for dinner for making the effirt to come. If you are invited to the dinner, you bring a gift, if not, you don't! Everyone gets to have fun, no one starts their marriage in debt. What I take issue with is people asking people to pay for their dinners. That to me is terrible. I actually lost a friend because I told my friends sister I couldn't spend $80 to go to the spa for her shower, plus $50 person for the meal. She told me i wasnt a really good friend if i couldnt! The bride actually talked behind my back that all I'd given for their wedging gift was $50! Sorry honey, but student does not have $100 for a meal AND $80 for the spa AND $150 for a gift for an aquaintance. I think she's lucky to have had us pay for the meal at all!!

Let me add that the year before I paid $75 a plate for her and her fiancé at my wedding and she gave me an ice bucket that I'd seen on clearance for $10. It never bothered me until she pulled this stunt.

 

[buckirj1]

But really, in this day and age, who DOESN'T have the basics with which to set up a household? If someone doesn't, then I'd question his/her readiness to marry in the first place. Why are shower gifts necessary at all?

 

[rt2dz]

Giving a shower gift does not replace the wedding gift. It is in addition to the wedding gift. I don't think anger is called for, but one does not replace the other.

Also, you do not invite anyone to the shower who will not be invited to the wedding. You decide to have a small wedding (which is certainly OK), you then get a small shower.

This

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[karensi]

I'm many years beyond being a bride but it's certainly something I wouldn't do. As PPs have said "tacky".
FWIW, I wouldn't go.

Karen

 

[Aliceacc]

But really, in this day and age, who DOESN'T have the basics with which to set up a household? If someone doesn't, then I'd question his/her readiness to marry in the first place. Why are shower gifts necessary at all?

Why?

Is it totally unheard of where you live to live at home until you get married? I realize my wedding was way back in 1989, but I had very little in the way of housewares before I got married. I don't think that had anything to do with my readiness to begin a marriage-- we'll celebrate our 25th anniversary next summer by going to Disney.

 

[dreaming4disney]

This

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I agree. Have a big wedding or a small wedding. Have it in your home town or a destination wedding. You choose what you want, but then you only invite those to the shower if they are invited to the wedding.
If someone wants to send a shower gift even though they weren't invited to the shower or wedding, then they can.

 

[NFLDERS]

But really, in this day and age, who DOESN'T have the basics with which to set up a household? If someone doesn't, then I'd question his/her readiness to marry in the first place. Why are shower gifts necessary at all?

My sentiments when couples have Stag & Does?

 

[Burnedout]

I've gone to showers for people who were having very small or destination weddings. I wanted to go to the shower and celebrate with the bride to be, so it didn't occur to me to be offended.

If you are offended and don't want to go, don't.

Well said.

Showers are celebrations. If you don't want I celebrate then don't go.

 

[NYCDiane]

Received a Bridal Shower Invitation. However, not a Wedding Invitation. I have been told not all shower guests are invited to the Wedding. Apparently, the Wedding is small.

Is this common today. I've not heard of this before. What is proper etiquette
In this situation?

Who sent you the shower invitation and who told you you're not invited to the wedding? I'm sure the bride is aware of all that's going on in either case.

If I were only invited to the shower but not to the wedding, I would just send my well wishes and respectfully decline the invitation.

 

[NYCDiane]

Why?

Is it totally unheard of where you live to live at home until you get married? I realize my wedding was way back in 1989, but I had very little in the way of housewares before I got married. I don't think that had anything to do with my readiness to begin a marriage-- we'll celebrate our 25th anniversary next summer by going to Disney.

Most people are dating for a while and when the engagement comes around, there is a time period between the engagement and the actual wedding.

Yes, they may both be living at home. However, in the time up to the marriage, shouldn't they be preparing their future "nest"?? Whether it be an apartment or a house, shouldn't they be out purchasing their kitchen items, linens, furniture, cutlery, etc etc etc??? Or do they expect everyone to buy them everything?

 

[mistysue]

Most people are dating for a while and when the engagement comes around, there is a time period between the engagement and the actual wedding.

Yes, they may both be living at home. However, in the time up to the marriage, shouldn't they be preparing their future "nest"?? Whether it be an apartment or a house, shouldn't they be out purchasing their kitchen items, linens, furniture, cutlery, etc etc etc??? Or do they expect everyone to buy them everything?

That would have equally been true 50 years ago as it is now. The biggest difference is that now, on average that couple is expected to have completed college, be living with tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt, have spent the last 5 years unemployed or underemployed. Then everybody they have ever met expects to be invited to some lavish wedding that costs equal to what they make in a year... but they should also be furnishing an entire house and buying it while they are at it... The average age for a woman to get married is 27, so on average she got out of college the year the economy tanked. So don't help her out, but think nothing of people having helped out the young couple 20 years ago during a better economy when they were likely to have been much better off and less was expected of them.


Anyways,
You should get a wedding invite if you got a shower invite. I hear that traditionally good manners that if you are invited you send a gift if you say no. (especially to the wedding) I got married 5 years ago. Nobody who RSVP'd "no" sent anything, I didn't expect them to. When this came up in conversation around my mom's friends they were all disgusted that nobody sent anything. So in recent years if somebody says no you get nothing, but apparently 40 years ago they sent gifts, cards, money, etc. Put into perspective I don't think modern couple are somehow more being moochers than those of the past.

 

[bumbershoot]

Received a Bridal Shower Invitation. However, not a Wedding Invitation. I have been told not all shower guests are invited to the Wedding. Apparently, the Wedding is small.

Is this common today. I've not heard of this before. What is proper etiquette
In this situation?

Where are you? Are you new to the area? Is it possible that this is a regional thing that you're just not used to?

If none of that is the case...have you actually been told that YOU are not being invited? It's pretty unclear from the wording of your post if this is so.

Adding "courtesy" invites to events still require a gift to be sent according to proper etiquette even if the receiver cannot attend.

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Nope. Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette copyright 2001 page 153:

If an invited guest can't attend the shower, it is not obligatory to send a gift. Sometimes close friends or relatives wish to, however, which is fine.

But really, in this day and age, who DOESN'T have the basics with which to set up a household? If someone doesn't, then I'd question his/her readiness to marry in the first place. Why are shower gifts necessary at all?

If gifts aren't needed at a shower, a shower isn't needed. A shower is intended to shower the couple with gifts and love.

Yes, they may both be living at home. However, in the time up to the marriage, shouldn't they be preparing their future "nest"?? Whether it be an apartment or a house, shouldn't they be out purchasing their kitchen items, linens, furniture, cutlery, etc etc etc??? Or do they expect everyone to buy them everything?

Who has time to do that? What college student, grad student, person in a new and hectic job has time to figure out what their taste will be in 10 years, and get the budget to DO that?

And what if someone does all that, then they meet someone with incredibly different tastes?

Do you understand how hard it was for my and my husband to pick a toaster? He thinks stainless is great for everything (except it has to be touchable...he and I both have a *thing* about the feel of metal, and it makes our teeth grate if something feels a certain way), but I love COLOR. I won; we have a red toaster. Not metal. He won on other stuff.

I had single-serving Calphalon from my student days that my mom bought me (which I could barely touch but back then I hadn't met DH, and thought I was just a doof and the only one in the world who felt her teeth grate if she felt certain things). I had junky Martha Stewart towels from KMart that my mom bought me (Martha should be ashamed of the "quality" of those towels) in random colors that made MY eyes happy when I was 22. DH had icky towels that were just towels, and it didn't matter if they were nice, because it was just him and his gamer friends using them and they did not care what those towels looked like. (funnily enough, towels were the one thing we didn't even get one of, and we got to buy them for ourselves...we didn't buy enough, and ended up keeping all those junky towels, LOL...side note, WHITE towels are a big mistake if you're not great at laundry and are allergic to bleach...it's 10 years this August, and we really really need to replace our towels with something non-white and buy enough this time, but it's taken us 5 years to decide this, and we still haven't worked out a color)

I had a $10 blender. Junky knives. etc. Dh had worse.

Everything was bought for nothing or given to us, individually, by parents. Those were never intended to last years, and even if they were, how presumptuous of one person to decide on the style of a future house with a person they haven't even met yet.


The purpose of a shower is to give love and gifts. If you can't get behind that, don't go to the shower. And it's great that page 153 of Emily Post says you don't have to send a gift, because there will be nothing obligating you to do that.