Etiquette Question

[britfish]

I love the idea of a photo album or memory book. I once gave a book to a child who had lost their grandparent. It was a childrens book about dying, I think it was Freddie the leaf and The 10 best things about Barney. I wrote a personal note on the inside.

 

[cornflake]

No one gives money to an adult who has lost a loved one like a gift. That would be inappropriate and utterly bizarre.

People make donations to organizations or charities that have some relevant meaning in the name of the deceased, or donate to a fund to assist with expenses, like funereal expenses or an education fund for the deceased's child(ren).

No one says 'your aunt died, I'm so sorry, here's $50!' like a wedding card.

It's inappropriate because the ideas are not connected. "Your mom died, here's a present for that!' is bizarre and nonstandard and may be completely confusing.

 

[sherabby]

No one gives money to an adult who has lost a loved one like a gift. That would be inappropriate and utterly bizarre.

People make donations to organizations or charities that have some relevant meaning in the name of the deceased, or donate to a fund to assist with expenses, like funereal expenses or an education fund for the deceased's child(ren).

No one says 'your aunt died, I'm so sorry, here's $50!' like a wedding card.

It's inappropriate because the ideas are not connected. "Your mom died, here's a present for that!' is bizarre and nonstandard and may be completely confusing.

I do agree with you 100%. We are sending a large sandwich ring tomorrow and two home made desserts. Made a delicious pretzel jello dessert for the first time.

 

[cornflake]

I do agree with you 100%. We are sending a large sandwich ring tomorrow and two home made desserts. Made a delicious pretzel jello dessert for the first time.

I do not know what a sandwich ring or a pretzel jello dessert (!?! heh) are, but I'm sure it's lovely and will be appreciated.

That, like a donation to a charity important to the family or deceased, or to the family's expenses, is in memory of the person and to assist the family directly.

A couple months ago a cop was shot and killed in the line of duty here, leaving four teenaged daughters. A local newspaper set up a fund for the girls' college expenses and within a week, it topped a million dollars in donations. It was a lovely outpouring from the community to the family to say people are here for you, support you. Same as the food the OP is sending. No one sent them like, ipods. It'd be weird.

 

[stitchlovestink]

No one gives money to an adult who has lost a loved one like a gift. That would be inappropriate and utterly bizarre.

People make donations to organizations or charities that have some relevant meaning in the name of the deceased, or donate to a fund to assist with expenses, like funereal expenses or an education fund for the deceased's child(ren).

No one says 'your aunt died, I'm so sorry, here's $50!' like a wedding card.

It's inappropriate because the ideas are not connected. "Your mom died, here's a present for that!' is bizarre and nonstandard and may be completely confusing.

Well while I don't think it is the norm, I have seen more and more cases where collections have been taken and the monies collected have been given directly to the surviving spouse (not deligated thru a bank or other agency) or to the family of the decedent. So it is not as "out there" as it used to be...
or at least that is JMHO. I think sometimes this happens when there is a significant hardship or the circumstances are just beyond believeable. I remember a mom left w/ 2 kids to raise and a hubby who was killed and had no life insurance...none....not one dollar. I'm not even sure how the funeral was paid for? I know the cash donations were given directly to her. BTW, she's done a beautiful job with those two kids! They are well about as well adjusted kids as you could possibly meet. I have no clue how she has done it?! God Bless Her!

 

[aprilgail2]

I thought I would share an idea that came to mind while reading all the other posts.

When my grandmother passed away, my mother had a seamstress/friend create teddy bears out of some of her heavier clothing items (a housecoat, a cordoroy jacket and a few other pieces) for all of the great-grandkids. The kids recognized the fabrics used to make their bears and adored them. Although my kids are a teen and tween now, their bears still hold a place of honor on their shelves.

I do agree with the other posters that now is not the best time for a gift. But, I'm sure it would be appreciated in time.

There is a hospice agency that does this- I found them online and they made my daughter this wonderful teddy bear with my godsons shirt that he used to love- they even made a little firemans vest out of the shirt since he was a junior in the fire dept.

Well while I don't think it is the norm, I have seen more and more cases where collections have been taken and the monies collected have been given directly to the surviving spouse (not deligated thru a bank or other agency) or to the family of the decedent. So it is not as "out there" as it used to be...
or at least that is JMHO. I think sometimes this happens when there is a significant hardship or the circumstances are just beyond believeable. I remember a mom left w/ 2 kids to raise and a hubby who was killed and had no life insurance...none....not one dollar. I'm not even sure how the funeral was paid for? I know the cash donations were given directly to her. BTW, she's done a beautiful job with those two kids! They are well about as well adjusted kids as you could possibly meet. I have no clue how she has done it?! God Bless Her!

When my dad died almost everyone put money in the sympathy card (we were not poor either LOL), I know that almost every wake I go to we give a card along with money in it as do most people I know- when my godson died enough money came in to almost cover the entire funeral. At work when someones family member dies we all take a collection and they get an envelope full of cash when they come back to work. I used the collection I got from work when my godson died to purchase a tree in a local park with a plaque dedicated to him.

 

[Kat&Dom]

I know in a lot of cases, instead of people sending flowers to people who have lost loved ones that gift cards are given instead. A very close friend of mine lost her mother a week and a half ago and she received a combination of flowers and gift cards. A couple of the gift cards were to her favorite grocery store - she has a lot of food allergies so a couple of her other friends thought it would be better to get a gift card instead of sending food over that she might not be able to eat.

I personally got her a glass keepsake box with humming birds on it as her mom loved humming birds to keep all the sympathy cards and notes in, as well as a gift card to get photos developed instead of buying flowers.

I know when my grandmother passed away that my co-workers got me a gift card to a local garden center so that I could get a tree to plant in honor of my grandma. I found it to be a very thoughtful and caring gesture.

I like the suggestion that you got to buy a gift card and take her for lunch then shopping. An outing when others have moved on with their lives will be a caring, thoughtful gesture that she is still loved and thought about.

 

[luvsJack]

When my father died, a friend of ds sent a small plant that was in a container perfect for ds. And it was something he could keep in his room. Another friend sent a plant in a combo planter and frame--the friend had placed a picture of ds and Dad on the ball field.

These were things ds treasured.

Maybe there is something similar that would be special to this little girl, that would make the plant or flowers especially FOR her not just amoung those sent in for the funeral.

I would still get her the gc, but I think as the pp said, I would send it with a "thinking of you" card in a week or so.

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

I am really amazed at how many find this inappropriate for a child to give something to another child going through a difficult time. Why is it okay to give money to an adult who has lost a loved one but not okay for a child to give to another child??

I guess actually being a child who lost a parent I look at it differently.

Who said it was okay to give an adult money in a sympathy card? Again, totally inappropriate.

The OP asked if enclosing a gift card in a sympathy card is proper etiquette. It isn't. Of course, she is free to whatever she pleases.

 

[MissManda]

I think its very sweet that your son wants to do something nice for his friend.

My sister passed away several years ago at the age of 28. She left behind 3 small children. In addition to the typical food, flower, cards, and gift donations, several people did give the children small gifts. However, they were more on the personal side rather than gift cards. For example, my oldest nephews teacher gave him a willow tree figurine. (I know there were others, but it was such a stressful time that I can't really think about what some of the other gifts were).

During the time of the funeral we all kept the kids so busy that they didn't really have time to think or process everything. After the funeral once everything calmed down, many people would call and offer to take the kids out for an afternoon to do something fun with them. My youngest niece was in preschool at the time and one of the aids at the school would take her to the playground after school and let her play with her own children for the afternoon.

Also, many, many people chipped in to help with holiday events. My sister died in November. Her co-workers fixed Thanksgiving dinner for the family. My work and my Dad's work pooled money together for Christmas presents. For Easter, her co-workers again filled Easter baskets for all the kids.

This little girl will need lots of love and attention after the funeral. I would suggest holding off on the gift card for now. Give her a nice sympathy card. Then maybe take her out one day and do something special (maybe even give her the gift card then). If you do get a gift of some sort now, make it something personal that would relate to her Mom.

(On a side note- I will say that after I returned to work after the funeral, my co-workers did give me several gift cards to some of my favorite places - starbucks, cold stone creamery, etc) because they said I deserved something special because of everything that we had had been through. They also gave to the charity we requested. So, giving something like this isn't necessarily inappropriate. I think you just have to wait for the right time).

 

[tasha99]

Who said it was okay to give an adult money in a sympathy card? Again, totally inappropriate.

The OP asked if enclosing a gift card in a sympathy card is proper etiquette. It isn't. Of course, she is free to whatever she pleases.

Huh. I never knew this. I always just give a card, but I thought a lot of people gave money to go towards expenses. I do see this as different than giving a gift to a child, who wouldn't have expenses and responsibilities due to a death.

Actually, I guess I have given a "gift card" type of thing in a sympathy card before. I had a teacher who lost her husband when I was in grad school. My cohort gave her a sympathy card and included a subscription to a meal delivery service so she wouldn't have to cook for a while. I don't think it was inappropriate; at least, it wasn't meant to be.

 

[aprilgail2]

Huh. I never knew this. I always just give a card, but I thought a lot of people gave money to go towards expenses. I do see this as different than giving a gift to a child, who wouldn't have expenses and responsibilities due to a death.

Actually, I guess I have given a "gift card" type of thing in a sympathy card before. I had a teacher who lost her husband when I was in grad school. My cohort gave her a sympathy card and included a subscription to a meal delivery service so she wouldn't have to cook for a while. I don't think it was inappropriate; at least, it wasn't meant to be.

It is common practice to put money or a check in a sympathy card here-would be odd not to especially to a family member, close friend or neighbor! At work we do a collection so when I go to the wake its with an empty card but they get the card of cash when they come back to work.

 

[cornflake]

Stuff like the meal delivery and the tree place to pick out a tree to plant in memorium seems to me a variation on the traditional - a gift in memorium or food brought over because a family isn't up to cooking but people need to eat.

Stuff like a grocery store or other similar gift card seems totally different - that's not a casserole so grieving people don't have to think about cooking, they have to go to the market and buy stuff so it's just like cash to me, and thus, utterly inappropriate.

It is common practice to put money or a check in a sympathy card here-would be odd not to especially to a family member, close friend or neighbor! At work we do a collection so when I go to the wake its with an empty card but they get the card of cash when they come back to work.

I'm not disputing that it's how it works wherever you are but I've not only never heard of it (short of an extreme need situation, in which case there's usually a donation fund set up by someone for funereal expenses or whatever), but I'd just be beyond shocked it seems so wrong.

I don't even really understand the point? I mean if someone was like, leaving work to move to another city or if someone is having triplets, people will sometimes do a $$ collection for a card but it's for that kind of 'to start you off, to help you get needed things on your new adventure' type deals.

What is the cash for if it's like 'your grandma died?'

 

[Disney*Dreamer]

Sorry if this has been suggested, i didn't read all the way through. How about a nice little locket with a picture of her and her mom inside?

 

[iheartdisney]

How nice of your son to be thinking of this little girl and what she is going through?

I think a gift card might seem a bit odd. However, since she is young what about a special doll or stuffed animal? At that age, she needs something to snuggle!

 

[sherabby]

Update....we dropped off some food at their home yesterday and the little girl was so excited to see my son...she kept saying, "There's a boy in my house!" She asked him if he was coming tonight and he really didn't want to go. He's starting to get funny about funeral homes even though he lost his grandparents on dh's side. I was so proud of him last night. He put on his suit and supported her by attending last night. He has such a huge heart and couldn't resist her! Who couldn't because she such an adorable young girl!

 

[java]

Update....we dropped off some food at their home yesterday and the little girl was so excited to see my son...she kept saying, "There's a boy in my house!" She asked him if he was coming tonight and he really didn't want to go. He's starting to get funny about funeral homes even though he lost his grandparents on dh's side. I was so proud of him last night. He put on his suit and supported her by attending last night. He has such a huge heart and couldn't resist her! Who couldn't because she such an adorable young girl!

How sweet of your son. I have tears in my eyes reading that.

 

[tina.tina]

Rigid rules of "etiquette" are inappropriate when they restrict people from doing what feels right to them. Who would fault a child for being kind?

Having said that, I would have sent a stuffed animal with a sympathy card because it would a tangible gesture of comfort. My DD loves stuffed animals. New stuffed friends helped ease her through a couple of hospital stays.

In response to PPs, gift cards to grocery stores are probably greatly appreciated by grieving families who often have extra visitors for meals or even overnight guests during times like this. I would much rather receive a gift card than a casserole because I won't eat it unless I know you very well. I have acquaintances (very clean people who just love cats) whose cats like to sleep in bowls on their kitchen counters. Then, they shoo the cat out and use the bowl after blowing in it to remove any stray hairs. That is not acceptable to me, so I would thank them nicely, but not eat what they sent.

OP, it sounds like you're raising a nice kid.

 

[ilovemk76]

Update....we dropped off some food at their home yesterday and the little girl was so excited to see my son...she kept saying, "There's a boy in my house!" She asked him if he was coming tonight and he really didn't want to go. He's starting to get funny about funeral homes even though he lost his grandparents on dh's side. I was so proud of him last night. He put on his suit and supported her by attending last night. He has such a huge heart and couldn't resist her! Who couldn't because she such an adorable young girl!

How sweet of him.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I know that it is over but just wanted to share my story and thoughts.

My mom died rather unexpectedly last year. One of my dear friends is married to our pastor. The have three children and one is autistic. Of course the pastor was quite busy dealing with the funeral arrangements leaving my friend little time to visit or prepare food for our family. About a week after the funeral, I received the sweetest card from her. She knew my mom well and said all the things I need to hear right them. She also included a gift card for my family to have dinner out on a night I just could not get it together to cook. It was the most thoughtful thing she could have done. It came just as all the funeral food was gone but before I was ready to cook.

Guess I am the odd one out but I never see kind actions as inappropriate. Our school has given teddy bears to children whom have lost a parent. I think a gift card to maybe build a bear with a note to make a special remembrance animal or even the Disney store is a sweet thought. Sending money is a sympathy card is also not unheard of around here. A death brings a lot of unexpected expenses that some families just can not handle. We were blessed that we were not in that position but I do remember we spent a lot of unplanned money.