Engagement issues already....

[jevs]

This has turned into a most ridiculous sideshow of a thread.

Bottoms up

 

[QueenIsabella]

"Equally" can mean different things to different people. That's basically what most posters have been trying to get you to see.

Exactly. Since that poster didn't like my last example, try this one:

I have 2 kids in college. DD21 has known what she wanted to study for years. She has worked hard, both in HS, to get into her first-choice college, and in college. Everything she does is with the focus of furthering her career. She goes to a pricey private college that offers exactly the curriculum she wanted. DS19 is much less focused, doesn't have solid long-term career goals, and has some medical/developmental issues. He lives at home and commutes to community college.

DD's annual bill is roughly 10 times that of DS. Is this equal? Not even close! Is it fair? We think so--she's proven that she's worth the financial investment. DS hasn't--as of right now. We would be happy to provide the same for DS, when we think it's appropriate. If DS disagrees (and we've heard no complaints--he's aware of his limitations)--well, he's free to move out and try to make it on his own. The important thing is, THEY ARE BOTH GETTING WHAT THEY NEED, RIGHT NOW, FROM THEIR PARENTS.

 

[Nancyg56]

This has turned into a most ridiculous sideshow of a thread.

Bottoms up

Well I think it sure has gotten testy!

 

[Magpie]

Equal:
being the same in quantity, size, degree, or value.
"add equal amounts of water and flour"
synonyms: identical, uniform, alike, like, the same, one and the same, equivalent, indistinguishable;

In case you were having trouble with what it means

Twenty nickles is equal to four quarters, but they are definitely not the same.

CarolAnn is quite correct. "Equally" does mean different things to different people. If I give one child twenty nickles and other four quarters, am I treating them equally? In one sense, yes. In another, no. If my children are young enough that all they care about is having a pile of big shiny silver coins, then the kid who got four quarters is going to feel ripped off.

Now imagine another scenario, in which I am giving them each ten dollars so they can go purchase school supplies. The younger child might only need to purchase a pack of pencils and a binder, so he's happy. But the older one needs all that and a graphing calculator, too. Now I've paid for the entirety of the younger one's school supplies, but I've only paid for a portion of the elder child's school supplies. In other words, one kid gets all the school supplies they need, while the other doesn't. I've spent an equal amount of money on them, but I haven't treated them "equally". I've actually shortchanged the older one.

"Equal" is a fluid concept, that has to take into account the unique needs of each individual.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

Twenty nickles is equal to four quarters, but they are definitely not the same.

CarolAnn is quite correct. "Equally" does mean different things to different people. If I give one child twenty nickles and other four quarters, am I treating them equally? In one sense, yes. In another, no. If my children are young enough that all they care about is having a pile of big shiny silver coins, then the kid who got four quarters is going to feel ripped off.

Now imagine another scenario, in which I am giving them each ten dollars so they can go purchase school supplies. The younger child might only need to purchase a pack of pencils and a binder, so he's happy. But the older one needs all that and a graphing calculator, too. Now I've paid for the entirety of the younger one's school supplies, but I've only paid for a portion of the elder child's school supplies. In other words, one kid gets all the school supplies they need, while the other doesn't. I've spent an equal amount of money on them, but I haven't treated them "equally". I've actually shortchanged the older one.


"Equal" is a fluid concept, that has to take into account the unique needs of each individual.

Love the above. Great analogies. I always believed I have to be fair to all of my children, but that fair is not always equal. You stated that so nicely.

 

[Hikergirl]

Love the above. Great analogies. I always believed I have to be fair to all of my children, but that fair is not always equal. You stated that so nicely.

And if children are old enough and mature enough to be getting married then they are old enough and mature enough to understand that.

 

[cabanafrau]

I think you confuse debate with it ending with someone agreeing with you

Is that my confusion? Thank goodness you once again can read my thoughts and clear that up for me.

Sure wish I had you to clear things up for me before I went ahead and had two children without performing the precise calculations of equalizing out everything into the future. Here they are both past the age of majority without a clue I should have been counting each pea or piece of pasta on their plates whilst I fitted them both for their one size fits all journey through life -- because that's no doubt the best way to insure it's all equal.

 

[cabanafrau]

And I have 3 whats your point?

The difference here you see is that the events are not conflicting, and there is plenty of notice (unlike the example you have used). I am critical of the fact that this mother wants to devote her time to DD, you state "also to her son" thats not what has been said though. Also to your soon doesnt mean 2017 is your sisters year and I wanted to devote my time to her and that is my point.

2 of my 3 kids have their birthdays 3 weeks apart. Should I devote all my time to one of their parties, spend all my money there and give the other whatever is left over-for the both party/time planing and the gift? Or should I split my time and resources between them? Hm easy answer, and it applies to this situation too.

Conveniently overlooking the fact you've little to no idea what the groom's mother actually stated -- since we've at best got a thirdhand account here, inevitably shaded by the bias of the OP's retelling. Note, the bias may be quite benign, however it is indeed bias nonetheless, unavoidably.

 

[wvjules]

I don't think the couple went behind anyone's backs in setting their date. Yes, it would've been nice to consult everyone, but it's their wedding and they'll do what they want, regardless of anyone else's feelings and opinions.

As long as it doesn't conflict with any of the bride's family schedules....

 

[CarolAnn856]

In case you were having trouble with what it means

Wow, that was quite rude.

 

[roseaster]

I think that the fairness thing is a good point. As long as we are comparing, I have a lot of kids. 6. It is impossible to keep things 100% fair and equal, and I think as parents, even though we know it can't be helped, we feel bad about it.

I think we try as best we can, but we can't always do it. Like I said many posts ago, I know the DIS is an alternate universe where all parents parent perfectly, and everyone lives debt-free with a huge savings and everyone has unlimited quality time with their kids. Unfortunately, in the real world a lot of families can't and don't live that way.

Like I volunteer to help they kids change costumes backstage at one daughter's dance recital. The next daughter comes home and says that's the night of her awards banquet. I can't renege on a commitment I made, so I have to miss the rewards banquet. I feel bad. Trust me, really bad, no one likes to disappoint their kids, but, unfortunately you-know-what happens.

Comparing bdays and holidays isn't the same. You know every year when that is and whose is when. This was a mother who was caught off guard. A wedding was planned and, from what I understand, time and money commitments were made, and then another was added without warning. Like I said, in DIS perfect world parents are flush with cash and time, in the real world it doesn't work that way.

It's like if I had one kid that came up to me and asked for $50 to go to Six Flags with a friend and I gave it to them and then and hour later another kid came up and asked for $50 to go to the shore with a friend. Do I now take the $50 back from the 1st kid and say, "You can't go now because I don't have another $50 for your sister?"

 

[mummabear]

A wedding was planned and, from what I understand, time and money commitments were made, and then another was added without warning.

A wedding date was set for sure, we have no idea how much is planned. Given the MILs complaint that she doesn't have time for her sons wedding planning because she is too busy planning her daughters that would tell us not a lot, if the planning was already done she would have the time.

It's like if I had one kid that came up to me and asked for $50 to go to Six Flags with a friend and I gave it to them and then and hour later another kid came up and asked for $50 to go to the shore with a friend. Do I now take the $50 back from the 1st kid and say, "You can't go now because I don't have another $50 for your sister

Honestly I don't know what you would do, I wouldn't have given one child $50 in this example if I didn't have $50 for each of the other children.

While in many cases I can agree that equal isn't exactly the same, how much money you give your children for their weddings, their graduation gifts etc should be one of them.
Most importantly isn't what she is and isn't paying towards the grooms wedding it's that she doesn't want to split her TIME between her children.

 

[roseaster]

A wedding date was set for sure, we have no idea how much is planned. Given the MILs complaint that she doesn't have time for her sons wedding planning because she is too busy planning her daughters that would tell us not a lot, if the planning was already done she would have the time.


Honestly I don't know what you would do, I wouldn't have given one child $50 in this example if I didn't have $50 for each of the other children.

While in many cases I can agree that equal isn't exactly the same, how much money you give your children for their weddings, their graduation gifts etc should be one of them.
Most importantly isn't what she is and isn't paying towards the grooms wedding it's that she doesn't want to split her TIME between her children.

Yes, you are correct. 100%. I should be a better parent. You have been right all along. Everyone else's opinions are wrong and parenting styles are neglectful and hateful towards their children.

Because there really is no other way.

 

[mom2rtk]

Honestly I don't know what you would do, I wouldn't have given one child $50 in this example if I didn't have $50 for each of the other children.

OK, I understand better now.

I live in a different world from you.

 

[cabanafrau]

OK, I understand better now.

I live in a different world from you.

Hey neighbor, better watch out, the riff raff is in town because I apparently live in your world.

I told my kids many times when they were young and we were out shopping that we weren't out shopping for fun, but for a purpose. Sometimes the purpose involved both kids, sometimes only one. If one kid was going through a growth spurt I might spend a few shopping trips over a few months focused entirely or mostly on one -- because they were the one growing out of shoes, pants, etc. while the other one was still set with what they had. Eventually the pendulum swung the other direction and it was all about the other one. Somehow I thought that it was important for our family as a whole that I be fiscally responsible, never dreaming I was being completely unfair and did not keep precise tallies along the way to even things out between them in an appropriate manner.

 

[cabanafrau]

Yes, you are correct. 100%. I should be a better parent. You have been right all along. Everyone else's opinions are wrong and parenting styles are neglectful and hateful towards their children.

Because there really is no other way.

If you find yourself adrift you are welcome on the bad parenting naughty bench with me, for tis a certainty I shall be warming it for a good long time if this thread is to be taken as any indication.

 

[roseaster]

Hey neighbor, better watch out, the riff raff is in town because I apparently live in your world.

I told my kids many times when they were young and we were out shopping that we weren't out shopping for fun, but for a purpose. Sometimes the purpose involved both kids, sometimes only one. If one kid was going through a growth spurt I might spend a few shopping trips over a few months focused entirely or mostly on one -- because they were the one growing out of shoes, pants, etc. while the other one was still set with what they had. Eventually the pendulum swung the other direction and it was all about the other one. Somehow I thought that it was important for our family as a whole that I be fiscally responsible, never dreaming I was being completely unfair and did not keep precise tallies along the way to even things out between them in an appropriate manner.

This is, true story, an argument I just had. The 11 year old got a lot of new school clothes because almost nothing still fit, while the 13 year old only got a few things because most of her stuff did fit. Should I have made the 11 year old wear clothes that don't fit, or should I have doubled the 13 year old's wardrobe?

I will go on. We didn't go on vacation this summer because I am on FMLA with a new baby until Monday LOL, but my son, who is 10, went on vacation with his friend's family. Didn't sit well with the 11 year old. Should I have drummed up a friend willing to take the 11 year old to the shore for a week or should I have given her the cost that the friend's family spent on my son? ...uggh... not to mention the spending money we gave him

...and my most egregious abuse? 18 year old twins. Only 1 got a car. Of course the 1 that didn't get a car went away to school and is living on campus. Car twin is at community college and working part time off campus, so even with her car we are spending a fraction on her what we are spending on dorm twin. ...but that could go either way. One got cooler stuff, one's stuff cost more.

Should I buy dorm twin a car to even it out, or should I give commute twin the difference in the cost?

If you find yourself adrift you are welcome on the bad parenting naughty bench with me, for tis a certainty I shall be warming it for a good long time if this thread is to be taken as any indication.

Will refreshments be served? I enjoy a margarita.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

If you find yourself adrift you are welcome on the bad parenting naughty bench with me, for tis a certainty I shall be warming it for a good long time if this thread is to be taken as any indication.

I am joining you on the bench and bringing Margaritas and chips. We sent all three kids to private school K thru 12. Youngest child's education cost more than oldest sons due to tuition increases. Obviously to be fair I should have made DD switch over to public school in the middle of her senior year once she hit the even threshold.

 

[mom2rtk]

I am joining you on the bench and bringing Margaritas and chips. We sent all three kids to private school K thru 12. Youngest child's education cost more than oldest sons due to tuition increases. Obviously to be fair I should have made DD switch over to public school in the middle of her senior year once she hit the even threshold.

Or you could just write a check to the younger two.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

Or you could just write a check to the younger two.

That would just make it worse as the oldest one was the most shafted.