Engagement issues already....

[QueenIsabella]

If you find yourself adrift you are welcome on the bad parenting naughty bench with me, for tis a certainty I shall be warming it for a good long time if this thread is to be taken as any indication.

Save room for me, I obviously suck at the whole equality thing. My college story should be enough proof of that, but right now, if you want to ask DS10, he would give you a litany of my abuses, past and present. Mostly about the unfairness of me calling HIM to do chores, and not his siblings. Pay no attention to the fact that the chores involve such things as picking up HIS shoes and putting away HIS homework folder.

 

[mummabear]

Hey neighbor, better watch out, the riff raff is in town because I apparently live in your world.

I told my kids many times when they were young and we were out shopping that we weren't out shopping for fun, but for a purpose. Sometimes the purpose involved both kids, sometimes only one. If one kid was going through a growth spurt I might spend a few shopping trips over a few months focused entirely or mostly on one -- because they were the one growing out of shoes, pants, etc. while the other one was still set with what they had. Eventually the pendulum swung the other direction and it was all about the other one. Somehow I thought that it was important for our family as a whole that I be fiscally responsible, never dreaming I was being completely unfair and did not keep precise tallies along the way to even things out between them in an appropriate manner.

Quite a different example than @roseasters example of day trip to six flags and one to the shore. One is about needs and the other about treats.

At Christmas would you buy one kid socks and the other a pony?

 

[QueenIsabella]

Yeah. Okay. You know you've lost the argument when you have to resort to absurdities. But really, keep coming back to get the last word. The people who deal with you IRL are probably relieved that someone else is having to put up with your nonsense. You, literally, make no sense. Please get help.

 

[Hikergirl]

Most importantly isn't what she is and isn't paying towards the grooms wedding it's that she doesn't want to split her TIME between her children.

See, that is where you are WRONG. She asked him to postpone his wedding so she would have the time for him. I think its safe to assume that if she didn't want to be able to spend more time with the planning (or helping) she wouldn't have mentioned that as one of her reasons he should postpone his wedding.

Of course I'm sure you'll come back and tell me that she meant something completely different, being as you know what she is thinking so well.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I am joining you on the bench and bringing Margaritas and chips. We sent all three kids to private school K thru 12. Youngest child's education cost more than oldest sons due to tuition increases. Obviously to be fair I should have made DD switch over to public school in the middle of her senior year once she hit the even threshold.

What about the melted cheese? I'm not coming to any gathering that doesn't have hot, plastic cheese for the chips.

 

[marlynnp]

Hey neighbor, better watch out, the riff raff is in town because I apparently live in your world.

I told my kids many times when they were young and we were out shopping that we weren't out shopping for fun, but for a purpose. Sometimes the purpose involved both kids, sometimes only one. If one kid was going through a growth spurt I might spend a few shopping trips over a few months focused entirely or mostly on one -- because they were the one growing out of shoes, pants, etc. while the other one was still set with what they had. Eventually the pendulum swung the other direction and it was all about the other one. Somehow I thought that it was important for our family as a whole that I be fiscally responsible, never dreaming I was being completely unfair and did not keep precise tallies along the way to even things out between them in an appropriate manner.

Well at least you're both in the same country! Unlike the resident expert on American culture and traditions...

 

[Nancyg56]

Hey neighbor, better watch out, the riff raff is in town because I apparently live in your world.

I told my kids many times when they were young and we were out shopping that we weren't out shopping for fun, but for a purpose. Sometimes the purpose involved both kids, sometimes only one. If one kid was going through a growth spurt I might spend a few shopping trips over a few months focused entirely or mostly on one -- because they were the one growing out of shoes, pants, etc. while the other one was still set with what they had. Eventually the pendulum swung the other direction and it was all about the other one. Somehow I thought that it was important for our family as a whole that I be fiscally responsible, never dreaming I was being completely unfair and did not keep precise tallies along the way to even things out between them in an appropriate manner.

Your bench is filling up fast, but please save room for me! And I prefer wine....red if possible. I'll bring enough to share!

I was the most unfair parent on the planet. I never tried to even things out. If I gave one money forr someting it was because I decided that was what was important at the time. In the end it all works out, but I refused to divide it all every time. I didn't cash it all out on Christmas either. If I saw an extra for one I got it and did nto feel compelled to race out to but two more gifts so everyone could compare notes.

When my youngest bought my DDIL home she commented that I had sons after shopping with me. I had picked a few things up for my DD. Hmmm..... We had a little chat that I did not waste time worrying bout who got what. If I saw something for one of the boy, I would pick it up. I also told her that there may be times when one needed help, and we woudl do so without trying to even that out with the other two, and that was when the other two woudl count their Blessings becuase that was not a plae anyone wanted to be.

So FF 14 years from that conversation. In my family the girls all seem to be favored, and boy do the guys love it! My sons and son in law love it when I see special things for my girls, even if they are not opening socks too. :LOL!

 

[mummabear]

See, that is where you are WRONG. She asked him to postpone his wedding so she would have the time for him. I think its safe to assume that if she didn't want to be able to spend more time with the planning (or helping) she wouldn't have mentioned that as one of her reasons he should postpone his wedding.

Of course I'm sure you'll come back and tell me that she meant something completely different, being as you know what she is thinking so well.

And you are WRONG to think that he should have to postpone his wedding by a year in order to get some attention from his mom.
This isn't a mother saying I'm really swamped with stuff this week him, can I help you next week. This is I'm too busy in 2017 for you bud, you'll have to wait until 2018 if you want me, and the fact is posters are having an issue that he decided that he didn't.

Well at least you're both in the same country! Unlike the resident expert on American culture and traditions...

I know Americans are so damn complicated, how can us Canadians possibly understand our vast differences.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

t.



I know Americans are so damn complicated, how can us Canadians possibly understand our vast differences.

It's not complicated at all, as long as you don't think everything is all about you. Most of us prefer to consider others in our life. It's the self-centered people most of us tend to have a problem with.

 

[mummabear]

It's not complicated at all, as long as you don't think everything is all about you. Most of us prefer to consider others in our life. It's the self-centered people most of us tend to have a problem with.

There is a difference between considering and acting on.
Is it not as self centered for the MIL to expect them to move the date to suit her as it is for them to decide not to?

 

[mummabear]

Yeah. Okay. You know you've lost the argument when you have to resort to absurdities. But really, keep coming back to get the last word. The people who deal with you IRL are probably relieved that someone else is having to put up with your nonsense. You, literally, make no sense. Please get help.

How is it absurdities? People are making unrealistic comparisons to a wedding, and are again focusing on the money aspect.
Buying new clothes for one child because they have outgrown theirs is not the same as giving one $50 bucks to go to six flags but not the other, neither is it the same as saying "I don't have time to go to the florist with you because I would rather go to the florist, dress shop, bakery and venue with your sister, and so I dont have any time left for you"

 

[Caskett616]

I'm beginning to think this thread is going to be longer than the engagement, LOL!

 

[roseaster]

We've decided we are going to forego any "treats" or weddings for the children since we can't dole them out properly. We are putting all that money aside for therapy, because my children will obviously need it.

I just hope any one of them isn't driven crazier by our incompetence than another because they are getting the same amount of therapy money down to the penny.

 

[Magpie]

How is it absurdities? People are making unrealistic comparisons to a wedding, and are again focusing on the money aspect.
Buying new clothes for one child because they have outgrown theirs is not the same as giving one $50 bucks to go to six flags but not the other, neither is it the same as saying "I don't have time to go to the florist with you because I would rather go to the florist, dress shop, bakery and venue with your sister, and so I dont have any time left for you"

First, does the son really want his mum to accompany him to the florist and dress shop?

Personally, I'd just try to sit down with everyone, find out what each of their "dream weddings" looks like and coordinate with the parents of whomever's marrying my child, so that we can divide up the labour and everyone gets what they need. Two weddings? That's fine, we've got four parents! Not to mention which, it's not like the brides and grooms are incapable of doing anything for themselves.

After all, it's not like I'm the only human being on the planet capable of running around to dress shops (although, actually, if my son DID want to wear a dress to his wedding, I might allocate him more of my precious dress-shopping-time, just because it'd be ever so much more entertaining).

I may be biased, however, because my experience dress shopping with my mum was NOT a heart-warming bonding experience. It was tense and fraught and I ended up unhappy and resentful with a dress that was not to my taste and not even remotely my style. I would have been SO much happier if my mother had just let me do it myself, instead of trying WAY too hard to be a "good mother". And it may be that the son would be happier, too, with a bit less of his mum's attention. Once again, "equal" does not mean dragging BOTH your children off to dress shops, when only one actually wants to go to a dress shop with you.

 

[cabanafrau]

Will refreshments be served? I enjoy a margarita.

I am joining you on the bench and bringing Margaritas and chips. We sent all three kids to private school K thru 12. Youngest child's education cost more than oldest sons due to tuition increases. Obviously to be fair I should have made DD switch over to public school in the middle of her senior year once she hit the even threshold.

The most indulgent refreshments will of course be served on the naughty parenting bench. I say we blow whatever's in our "equalization funds" and enjoy our time out! Let's face it, we did such a lousy job with the accounting it will take a team of forensic accounting specialists to sort things out, so we may as well serve our time on the bench in high spirits!

 

[cabanafrau]

We've decided we are going to forego any "treats" or weddings for the children since we can't dole them out properly. We are putting all that money aside for therapy, because my children will obviously need it.

I just hope any one of them isn't driven crazier by our incompetence than another because they are getting the same amount of therapy money down to the penny.

Wait, we've got to pay for the therapy? I only promised mine I would write letters to their therapists testifying to the veracity of their stories about the many and varied parenting violations I've committed. Yeah, I will indeed be warming that bad parenting bench for a good long time.

 

[Hikergirl]

And you are WRONG to think that he should have to postpone his wedding by a year in order to get some attention from his mom.
This isn't a mother saying I'm really swamped with stuff this week him, can I help you next week. This is I'm too busy in 2017 for you bud, you'll have to wait until 2018 if you want me, and the fact is posters are having an issue that he decided that he didn't.



I know Americans are so damn complicated, how can us Canadians possibly understand our vast differences.

I never said he should postpone his wedding, not one single time. I've said, several times in this thread, that he and his bride should do whatever the want to do. Just so you know, agreeing that mom is valid in her concerns, is not rude or difficult does not mean one believes that the son and bride need to do what she has asked. I realize that is what you think we all mean when we say we can see her point, but at some point you need to realize that your opinions are not actually facts.
If you are going to try to argue you should at least know what the person you are arguing with says.

 

[SirDuff]

I know Americans are so damn complicated, how can us Canadians possibly understand our vast differences.

I thought you were from New Zealand?

 

[cabanafrau]

Quite a different example than @roseasters example of day trip to six flags and one to the shore. One is about needs and the other about treats.

At Christmas would you buy one kid socks and the other a pony?

But comparing a parent reserving equal funds for their children's birthdays to a parent being prepared with sufficient funding to equalize the support of two weddings in two months time when the timing of the second was quite obviously surprising qualifies as analogous and germane to the question at hand? Watching the parameters flex is, interesting.

It's entirely plausible MOG had an entirely different expectation from information she got directly from her son, an expectation that was completely derailed when the priority was placed on the bride's sister's needs, perhaps over those of the groom himself. Would not be one bit surprised to find the groom later regrets accepting the wedding date before his graduation and so soon after his sister's, simply because I suspect the timing will seriously impact his ability to be present in the moment for both weddings and add pressure to the end of his education.

 

[cabanafrau]

I never said he should postpone his wedding, not one single time. I've said, several times in this thread, that he and his bride should do whatever the want to do. Just so you know, agreeing that mom is valid in her concerns, is not rude or difficult does not mean one believes that the son and bride need to do what she has asked. I realize that is what you think we all mean when we say we can see her point, but at some point you need to realize that your opinions are not actually facts.
If you are going to try to argue you should at least know what the person you are arguing with says.

Why? If you have the ability to tell other people what they think and what they said, what does their reality have to do with anything? I guess it's like beauty, in the eye of the beholder.