Engagement issues already....

[mom2rtk]

Yup your mom totally shafted your sister. I would understand if 3 sisters had got married and Bride #1 got $5000 and then a 2 years later Brides #2&#3 were getting married 2 months apart so they only got $2500. But your mom had full knowledge she had two weddings to deal with at once, it was piss poor planning of her to not evenly distribute the money.

That's kind of harsh. Maybe she really just didn't have it. Not everyone has enough play in their budget to save more than that.

 

[aprilgail]

We have a few weddings coming up in the family and everyone has been mindful of not booking their wedding too close to another wedding. For them two months would be way too close. They are all about 6 months apart with the destination wedding being a full year away from his brother's local wedding. This isn't because anyone is complaining but this is just to make it easier on their parents and family.

My kids are far from being married (16 and 10) but I think I would be annoyed if they planned their weddings two months apart.

I would be super annoyed! In fact I would be annoyed if any of my family did that LOL-- 2 weddings in 2 months is crazy expensive to attend- plus 2 months before the second wedding would be their wedding shower- just around the time of the first ones wedding. I know that I would end up saying no to one of the weddings, 2 in 2 months is just to close. I feel bad for the grooms mother having to deal with both her kids getting married so closely, its stressful enough with one of your kids weddings nevermind the other kid piggybacking on the firsts wedding.

 

[mjkacmom]

D

 

[mjkacmom]

Just because they won't live together doesn't mean they haven't consummated the marriage. DH refused to have us live together until we got engaged, and we dated about 6 years before than (both paying rent). We spent almost every night before that together. It sound like they both live with their parents (do to MIL's concern about finances - when DH and I moved in together, we saved money on rent).

 

[Nancyg56]

I would be super annoyed! In fact I would be annoyed if any of my family did that LOL-- 2 weddings in 2 months is crazy expensive to attend- plus 2 months before the second wedding would be their wedding shower- just around the time of the first ones wedding. I know that I would end up saying no to one of the weddings, 2 in 2 months is just to close. I feel bad for the grooms mother having to deal with both her kids getting married so closely, its stressful enough with one of your kids weddings nevermind the other kid piggybacking on the firsts wedding.

MTE. I do not think it is unreasonable to at least respect the MOG concerns in regards to the financial commitments these wedding are incurring on family members. I have no idea if this is the MPG concerns, but it would be mine. In my family we have nieces and nephews all over the country, and they attend weddings. If they needed to choose which one to attend, they would probably choose the first one but would have to decline the second.

In our family, my DDIL sister was married about 6 months in advance of DS and DDIL. Their family attended her sisters, but most chose not to attend hers. She was kind of hurt, and I understood. But we live on the East coast, her sister on the West closer to the family. I do not know all the family dynamics, but I do know all my DS cousins were in attendance at his wedding. Weddings come with cost to the guests, and to discount that means you sometimes need to accept others may not be able to come. I am not suggesting DDIL discounted the cost t guests, but I do know travel costs paid a huge role in her family decisions. They do in every family.

 

[Pembo]

My bf had this same dilemma. Her fiance's sister got engaged after them and set their date. It was such a pia that bf ended up with a very small wedding at WDW. She said it wasn't worth all the drama with the MIL and SIL.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

What wedding has events that are running two months after the fact or 2 months before?
The financial consideration for the grooms family is understandable but to say they can't fit it in the schedule, that the MIL can't possibly hear about flowers from 2 weddings in the same year.

As far as the scraps, how long has the sister been planning her wedding? The Ops DD wedding is 15 months away, and the SIL is 13 months away, how many solid financial commitments could the MIL have made at this point? As far as things like shower gifts there is no reason for them to not be of an even value.



Good news, the outfit should still fit her and be in style two months later....



I think that it is too much for the MIL to ask the couple who have said that due to strict convictions they can't live together until they are married (and I would make the assumption this means they also cannot consummate their relationship either), they are already waiting 15 months from now, even another 6 months is a long time to ask this couple to not be ale to start their lives together. I might feel a little different if the couple lived together already. If someone told me I couldn't live with my husband or have sex for 2 years I know where I would tell them to stick it...



Yup your mom totally shafted your sister. I would understand if 3 sisters had got married and Bride #1 got $5000 and then a 2 years later Brides #2&#3 were getting married 2 months apart so they only got $2500. But your mom had full knowledge she had two weddings to deal with at once, it was piss poor planning of her to not evenly distribute the money.

You sound lovely.

 

[Skywalker]

I also think OP and her daughter are just upset at "the other side" daring to have an opinion. Wanting to be a part of your children's weddings is being spun to look like a bad thing for some reason. I have no idea why some brides/grooms seem so proud to make their wedding their first big chance to be as selfish as possible! I guess its because so many egg them on (because those people either were the same way or want justification for being the same way when their time comes)

Also, your daughter might think it's great now that her future husband totally disregards his mother's wishes but watch out. She might find out down the road that he disregards her too. She'd be smarter to help him see how thoughtfulness and compromise can benefit everyone.

 

[mummabear]

That's kind of harsh. Maybe she really just didn't have it. Not everyone has enough play in their budget to save more than that.

But she did, she had all the money she spent on the May wedding, knowing at the time she also had another wedding in Oct.
I'm not saying she had to have more money but she should have spilt the money between them.
If you have $20 for lunch and dinner you don't spend it all on lunch...,

You sound lovely.

I know so terrible that a) I like my husband and b) I'm capable of basic budgeting

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I also think OP and her daughter are just upset at "the other side" daring to have an opinion. Wanting to be a part of your children's weddings is being spun to look like a bad thing for some reason. I have no idea why some brides/grooms seem so proud to make their wedding their first big chance to be as selfish as possible! I guess its because so many egg them on (because those people either were the same way or want justification for being the same way when their time comes)

Also, your daughter might think it's great now that her future husband totally disregards his mother's wishes but watch out. She might find out down the road that he disregards her too. She'd be smarter to help him see how thoughtfulness and compromise can benefit everyone.

Pretty much all you said was some vast over-generalizations but thanks for making it so if a bride and groom want to have a say in their wedding it's a bad thing..you know that goes both ways with the "other side" daring to have an opinion.

 

[roseaster]

What wedding has events that are running two months after the fact or 2 months before?
The financial consideration for the grooms family is understandable but to say they can't fit it in the schedule, that the MIL can't possibly hear about flowers from 2 weddings in the same year.

As far as the scraps, how long has the sister been planning her wedding? The Ops DD wedding is 15 months away, and the SIL is 13 months away, how many solid financial commitments could the MIL have made at this point? As far as things like shower gifts there is no reason for them to not be of an even value.



Good news, the outfit should still fit her and be in style two months later....



I think that it is too much for the MIL to ask the couple who have said that due to strict convictions they can't live together until they are married (and I would make the assumption this means they also cannot consummate their relationship either), they are already waiting 15 months from now, even another 6 months is a long time to ask this couple to not be ale to start their lives together. I might feel a little different if the couple lived together already. If someone told me I couldn't live with my husband or have sex for 2 years I know where I would tell them to stick it...



Yup your mom totally shafted your sister. I would understand if 3 sisters had got married and Bride #1 got $5000 and then a 2 years later Brides #2&#3 were getting married 2 months apart so they only got $2500. But your mom had full knowledge she had two weddings to deal with at once, it was piss poor planning of her to not evenly distribute the money.

My goodness you are hostile.

Okay, here is the whole point. The MIL has said she can't afford it. Period. She doesn't have the money, she has spent it or earmarked it already on her daughter's wedding. If the couple is willing to wait a few months, then she will have an equal amount to contribute, if not, then it is what it is and they will have to take what they can get.

So they will get a recycled dress (I would think that the MOG would want a special dress for the occasion, with pictures and all) they will get whatever gifts she can afford to give, and whatever financial assistance she can offer towards the wedding. It won't be equal, but they have been forewarned, so no moaning when the time comes and they get a toaster and a salad spinner, and the MOG only has enough cash to tip the officiant.

The truth is parents are under no obligation to contribute to weddings at all. The MOG was, maybe, trying to be kind and let them know that she would like to contribute, but can't under the given timeline.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

That's kind of harsh. Maybe she really just didn't have it. Not everyone has enough play in their budget to save more than that.

Exactly.

Oct sister was with her future husband since 1999 and engaged for more than a year, with the date set, when May sister got engaged at T-giving, and decided that they would get married the next May.

My mother was intending to pay for, and worry about, ONE wedding, that was still a year away. Then all the sudden she had two. Maybe she didn't plan, maybe she talked to my sisters, maybe Oct sister was a college graduate and could afford to buy her own dress and May sister couldn't - and cried to our mom about it and our mom felt sorry for her. Maybe mom talked to Oct sister and asked if it was OK that she helped May sister more, leaving less for Oct. Again, a rock and a hard place, right? But most definitely a place that May sister shouldn't have placed everybody in.

Two weddings very close together for two siblings is hard on any family, no matter how you look at it.

But the PP, of course, has all of the answers. But that's ok...anyone that uses "piss poor" in a sentence about someone's mother, loses all my respect immediately.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Exactly.

Oct sister was with her future husband since 1999 and engaged for more than a year, with the date set, when May sister got engaged at T-giving, and decided that they would get married the next May.

My mother was intending to pay for, and worry about, ONE wedding, that was still a year away. Then all the sudden she had two. Maybe she didn't plan, maybe she talked to my sisters, maybe Oct sister was a college graduate and could afford to buy her own dress and May sister couldn't - and cried to our mom about it and our mom felt sorry for her. Maybe mom talked to Oct sister and asked if it was OK that she helped May sister more, leaving less for Oct. Again, a rock and a hard place, right? But most definitely a place that May sister shouldn't have placed everybody in.

Two weddings very close together for two siblings is hard on any family, no matter how you look at it.

But the PP, of course, has all of the answers. But that's ok...anyone that uses "piss poor" in a sentence about someone's mother, loses all my respect immediately.

May sister should not have pressured your mother to pay for more than your mother oculd afford, having already planned on and promised the October sister money---or just wanting to put money towards the already planned wedding---absolutely true. She should not have pressured your mother like that, and, IMO it was wrtong of your mother to cave to her if she did--instead of explaining that she had budgeted for the one wedding and could only afford X amout nfor a last minute second one, even if that last minute one was sooner.




Sigh. It seems like 90% of posters want to paint either the mother in law, or the couple as bad guys here, and maybe one or the other really is and is truly inflexible and digging in their heels.
But it seems to me that there is every possiblity that the mother in law is just worried and emotional and expressing her feelings but not really trying to push the couple, or inssiting in any way. She probably wants to be sure tehy know she'll be stretched financially and not able to contribute much and will be busty helping with her DD's wedding until pretty close to the son's. And maybe she thinks the couple might not have thoguht of those things or that extended family might not go to two weddings so close together, etc so she is letting them know.
And OP might also be emotional and overreacting to how the her DD's future MiL reacted--and reading much mroe into than it is. Perhaps the groom knows his mom's initial reactions tend to be trong and then she mellows with a bit of time, thus he is not worried.
And it is also possible that the the couple HAS considered other people, including the mother in law, and is trying to do what works best for the balance of people, themselves included, and not expecting much or any financial or planning support from his family and know many will be unable to attend but are OK with that, in exchange for having the wedding at the time that works best with their life plan as changes like graduation and new jobs happen.

I just don't understand why most people are so dead set on villianizing anyone in this situation.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

May sister should not have pressured your mother to pay for more than your mother oculd afford, having already planned on and promised the October sister money---or just wanting to put money towards the already planned wedding---absolutely true. She should not have pressured your mother like that, and, IMO it was wrtong of your mother to cave to her if she did--instead of explaining that she had budgeted for the one wedding and could only afford X amout nfor a last minute second one, even if that last minute one was sooner.




Sigh. It seems like 90% of posters want to paint either the mother in law, or the couple as bad guys here, and maybe one or the other really is and is truly inflexible and digging in their heels.
But it seems to me that there is every possiblity that the mother in law is just worried and emotional and expressing her feelings but not really trying to push the couple, or inssiting in any way. She probably wants to be sure tehy know she'll be stretched financially and not able to contribute much and will be busty helping with her DD's wedding until pretty close to the son's. And maybe she thinks the couple might not have thoguht of those things or that extended family might not go to two weddings so close together, etc so she is letting them know.
And OP might also be emotional and overreacting to how the her DD's future MiL reacted--and reading much mroe into than it is. Perhaps the groom knows his mom's initial reactions tend to be trong and then she mellows with a bit of time, thus he is not worried.
And it is also possible that the the couple HAS considered other people, including the mother in law, and is trying to do what works best for the balance of people, themselves included, and not expecting much or any financial or planning support from his family and know many will be unable to attend but are OK with that, in exchange for having the wedding at the time that works best with their life plan as changes like graduation and new jobs happen.

I just don't understand why most people are so dead set on villianizing anyone in this situation.

The black bolded sounds exactly like what the MOG did - and she is getting slammed for it from some PP's.

And since my sisters' weddings were 12 years ago, critiquing and criticizing how my mother handled it really isn't the point of my post.

 

[handinpocket]

My goodness you are hostile.

Okay, here is the whole point. The MIL has said she can't afford it. Period. She doesn't have the money, she has spent it or earmarked it already on her daughter's wedding. If the couple is willing to wait a few months, then she will have an equal amount to contribute, if not, then it is what it is and they will have to take what they can get.

So they will get a recycled dress (I would think that the MOG would want a special dress for the occasion, with pictures and all) they will get whatever gifts she can afford to give, and whatever financial assistance she can offer towards the wedding. It won't be equal, but they have been forewarned, so no moaning when the time comes and they get a toaster and a salad spinner, and the MOG only has enough cash to tip the officiant.

The truth is parents are under no obligation to contribute to weddings at all. The MOG was, maybe, trying to be kind and let them know that she would like to contribute, but can't under the given timeline.

Who said the bride and groom EXPECTED his parents to contribute JACK?! Maybe I missed that, but I don't recall reading anything about them expecting money.

 

[Nancyg56]

But she did, she had all the money she spent on the May wedding, knowing at the time she also had another wedding in Oct.
I'm not saying she had to have more money but she should have spilt the money between them.
If you have $20 for lunch and dinner you don't spend it all on lunch...,


I know so terrible that a) I like my husband and b) I'm capable of basic budgeting

In my family you get what you get. If I tell you that I have X dollars if you choose to marry now, but if you wait I will have Y, you get to choose: X or Y. If I have already planned to spend Z on someone else, that is my business. You do not get to ask me to now change my original budget to accomodate yours. If one of my kids dared to say I shafted them they would then see what a real shaft is. Decisions have consequences.

My goodness you are hostile.

Okay, here is the whole point. The MIL has said she can't afford it. Period. She doesn't have the money, she has spent it or earmarked it already on her daughter's wedding. If the couple is willing to wait a few months, then she will have an equal amount to contribute, if not, then it is what it is and they will have to take what they can get.

So they will get a recycled dress (I would think that the MOG would want a special dress for the occasion, with pictures and all) they will get whatever gifts she can afford to give, and whatever financial assistance she can offer towards the wedding. It won't be equal, but they have been forewarned, so no moaning when the time comes and they get a toaster and a salad spinner, and the MOG only has enough cash to tip the officiant.

The truth is parents are under no obligation to contribute to weddings at all. The MOG was, maybe, trying to be kind and let them know that she would like to contribute, but can't under the given timeline.

Exactly.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Who said the bride and groom EXPECTED his parents to contribute JACK?! Maybe I missed that, but I don't recall reading anything about them expecting money.

Hopefully, the MOB will return to express what is expected of the groom's family, so you will no longer feel the need to yell your opinion at others.

 

[NHdisneylover]

The black bolded sounds exactly like what the MOG did - and she is getting slammed for it from some PP's.

And since my sisters' weddings were 12 years ago, critiquing and criticizing how my mother handled it really isn't the point of my post.

IF the OP is not exagerating things (I feel she might be) it doesn't sound like the mother of the groom in this case explained that she could only afford X amount if they choose to get married at this time, but was otherwise fine with the plans. If the OP is to be taken at face value, the mother of the groom felt the weddings should not be so close together not only for financial reasons but so as not to overshadow her daughter's year as a a bride, and so she'll have more time to help plan both weddings, etc.

My point is that the couple getting married MIGHT not be looking for financial or planning help and there is nothing wrong with that (and just being asked to attend a local wedding 2 months after the first does not seem like an imposition to me).

As for critiquing how your mother handled it not being the point of your post---well, the blame shouldn't all go to the sister who had a short engagement, I assume she did not force your parents to pay for her and not the other sister. So far as I can tell you brought it up as an example of why it is wrong of a sibling to get married close to the same time as another sibling--some of us do not see this as the root problem in your scenario and are explaining why.

 

[Nancyg56]

Who said the bride and groom EXPECTED his parents to contribute JACK?! Maybe I missed that, but I don't recall reading anything about them expecting money.

No one did. I can almost guarantee though, if there is agitation about the date it is because of the money. Most people do not want to admit it, but it generally is always becuase of the money. Maybe not for the parents, but I bet the MIL is thinking about the guests on the grooms side of the family who are going to be asked to pay for double the fun. I know it would be on my mind.

 

[mummabear]

My goodness you are hostile.

Okay, here is the whole point. The MIL has said she can't afford it. Period. She doesn't have the money, she has spent it or earmarked it already on her daughter's wedding. If the couple is willing to wait a few months, then she will have an equal amount to contribute, if not, then it is what it is and they will have to take what they can get.

So they will get a recycled dress (I would think that the MOG would want a special dress for the occasion, with pictures and all) they will get whatever gifts she can afford to give, and whatever financial assistance she can offer towards the wedding. It won't be equal, but they have been forewarned, so no moaning when the time comes and they get a toaster and a salad spinner, and the MOG only has enough cash to tip the officiant.

The truth is parents are under no obligation to contribute to weddings at all. The MOG was, maybe, trying to be kind and let them know that she would like to contribute, but can't under the given timeline.

There is no reason when it comes to things like shower gifts that haven't been committed to that the MIL can't keep them even (by lowering the value for both siblings).
If MIL finds another new outfit for the second wedding is her priority rather than contributing to the wedding it's her choice.
And like their choice has consquences for them, her choices may have consquences for her.

Exactly.

Oct sister was with her future husband since 1999 and engaged for more than a year, with the date set, when May sister got engaged at T-giving, and decided that they would get married the next May.

My mother was intending to pay for, and worry about, ONE wedding, that was still a year away. Then all the sudden she had two. Maybe she didn't plan, maybe she talked to my sisters, maybe Oct sister was a college graduate and could afford to buy her own dress and May sister couldn't - and cried to our mom about it and our mom felt sorry for her. Maybe mom talked to Oct sister and asked if it was OK that she helped May sister more, leaving less for Oct. Again, a rock and a hard place, right? But most definitely a place that May sister shouldn't have placed everybody in.

Two weddings very close together for two siblings is hard on any family, no matter how you look at it.

But the PP, of course, has all of the answers. But that's ok...anyone that uses "piss poor" in a sentence about someone's mother, loses all my respect immediately.

Your mother was intending to Lu for one wedding and instead of doing so for the one that had already been planning her wedding she gave it to the other one, it was you that said your Oct sister was shafted, by your mother.
There was no reason that your mother had to shaft either one, she could have split the money she had equally and she chose not to too.
I don't have all the answers but I can do basic math. If I have x amount j can afford and two weddings that need it then each bride gets y. Pretty simple.