Ending a marriage because of no attraction - Update pg 6

[vettechick99]

This is not me!

My good friend told me last week she is unhappy in her marriage and is considering divorce. We are really good friends with both the husband and wife. They come over several times a week to eat or hang out. They have a four year old.

They married when she found out she was pregnant and they were 22. But she said at the time she did love him and was excited to marry. Neither felt forced into the marriage, even though they did feel young.

The problem is that she never was that attracted to him physically. She's tried to suppress those feelings, but it's gotten to the point where she's unbelievably unhappy. Her unhappiness is manifesting in other ways hurtful to the marriage. She does love him, but doesn't feel as though she's in love with him. And obviously their sex life is non-existent, which is tough on both of them. Although she does love him, these feelings cause her great guilt.

They separated briefly last summer for the same problem, but reconciled. He knows again that she is unhappy but doesn't quite now why. All she's been able to say is that she's unhappy in the marriage.

She is willing to talk to her pastor and try to keep the marriage intact, but doesn't feel as though that's something that can be fixed. Can you make yourself attracted to someone?

So how, or even can she, tell him the real reason she is unhappy? It would break his heart.

Any advice?

 

[goofygirl]

She must have been attracted to him at some point if she had sex with him, I can't see sleeping with someone you have no attraction to unless she just did it to please him, or she was drunk, or whatever.

Is the marriage ok except for the "no attraction" thing? If so, I would think there'd be ways to get the "spark" back.

Is she just not attracted to *him*, or is she not attracted to men in general? Because if it's the latter, that's a whole other issue.

 

[SandraVB79]

First thing I would advice them is couple therapy or whatever it is called;

If that doesn't help, I think a divorce is the way to go. I know this sounds harsh, but they are both too young to continue a marriage in which they are both unhappy.
If there is no physical attraction, and no sex life, at some point there will be the attraction to someone else, and a sex life with someone else. If you're then trapped into a unhappy marriage... that's not a good situation.

I don't say divorce is always the solution, but if that's the way to go to a happier life for both of them...

 

[Camicar]

The problem is that she never was that attracted to him physically.

As a friend, I'd be bluntly asking her just how she got pregnant if she doesn't find the guy attractive. Why was she sleeping with someone she doesn't find attractive?

I'd have to know the answer to that question before I could give advice.

I'd also be asking her if she finds any guy physically attractive? Does she ever fantasize about sleeping with other men? In other words -- are the lights on and is someone home in her libido area?

He knows again that she is unhappy but doesn't quite now why. All she's been able to say is that she's unhappy in the marriage.

And I'd be wanting to further know why her dh doesn't know she doesn't like to sleep with him? Is he completely dense or inexperienced? Or is she a realllllly good faker? These are important questions too, bec I've known several women who didn't find their bfs/dhs attractive bec the men were lousy in bed and didn't know it. Or perhaps part of the problem is that she seems to be so uncomfortable talking about this topic that she'd rather separate than deal with it.

 

[Christine]

I do think she needs to see a counselor and spend some time dissecting her own feelings. It really helps to have someone objective pick apart all those little things. Often times you find more things going on.

Having said that, just because you found someone attractive once doesn't mean it will last. Young people are NOTORIOUSLY victims of short-term lust and that's probably how she ended up in bed with him.

There are many people who I used to be attracted to that I no longer feel that way about and I wonder what I saw in the first place, KWIM. I was young then and you don't always really know what you want--you just get caught up in the excitement of newness.

It could be she is totally correct and she's not attracted to him. I just think that before she makes that decision, she really needs to see someone with experience in this area and really examine where this is coming from.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I'd be asking her who she thinks she'll be married to when she's 68 and they are all ugly.

I'm sorry I'm not much help in situations like this. I personally believe every marriage goes through hot and cold physically. That is just the nature of they human psyche.

Overall, if he's a good guy, you be grateful for what you have and you work at it until it works. If you can't do that, then I don't think you should have gotten married in the first place and I don't think you should get married again until it is something you are capable of doing.

Those are just my values.

 

[Jack-Jack]

that's too bad. I suppose she can't help it. I don't see how one can force attraction. seems impossible. I'd give it time and counseling and maybe some physical fitness (i'm not making light). but if this persists, infidelity is sure to follow, and many more will be hurt. under those circumstances, divorce would certainly be the better way.

 

[Christine]

I'd be asking her who she thinks she'll be married to when she's 68 and they are all ugly.

I'm not even thinking this is a "superficial" thing. You can be married to the most attractive person in the world and, for various reasons, you can lose your feelings of desire toward them. It really has very little to do with looks and more to do with behaviors in the marriage.

That's why I think it's important to talk to someone about it. She needs to find out why this happened because, if she is misjudging what she feels toward men (love versus lust versus just wanting to be married) she seriously needs to evaluate that because it could become a repeat behavior.

 

[famofsix]

there are probably deeper issues she needs to deal with and is using attraction as a cope out. As her friend, I would recommend she see someone alone and sort the issues out before couple therapy

 

[Hercules10]

Used to be called the 7 year itch. Nowadays they've upgraded to the 5 year itch. Since she has a 4 y/o it sounds like they are close to that anniversary. Men usually have more a "what if" feeling at this point. Not sure what ladies feel but since it usually effects both sides I can only guess she's feeling it too.

Tell her to try counseling and/or other means to spark their marriage to get through this.

Good luck

 

[ead79]

This is just my opinion, but I'll bet there's more at the heart of this issue than a lack of attraction. That's probably more of a symptom of the real problem than the actual problem itself. It's a very good sign that they are willing to do some counseling with their pastor. If they both go into it with an open mind, then I think that will really help. Perhaps the pastor can help her get to the root of her dissatisfaction.

 

[rascalmom]

Is it lack of attraction to this particular man - her dh, or is it an overall lack of libido. That is something that happens to a lot of women, particularly when you have young children.

Having btdt, I would recommend couples therapy. Worked wonders for me.

 

[Camicar]

Used to be called the 7 year itch. Nowadays they've upgraded to the 5 year itch.
I personally believe every marriage goes through hot and cold physically.
just because you found someone attractive once doesn't mean it will last.

I'm not even thinking this is a "superficial" thing. You can be married to the most attractive person in the world and, for various reasons, you can lose your feelings of desire toward them.

The OP says the wife has NEVER been attracted to her husband HERE

The problem is that she never was that attracted to him physically.

You can't lose what you never had.

 

[vettechick99]

As a friend, I'd be bluntly asking her just how she got pregnant if she doesn't find the guy attractive. Why was she sleeping with someone she doesn't find attractive?

I'd have to know the answer to that question before I could give advice.

I'd also be asking her if she finds any guy physically attractive? Does she ever fantasize about sleeping with other men? In other words -- are the lights on and is someone home in her libido area?

And I'd be wanting to further know why her dh doesn't know she doesn't like to sleep with him? Is he completely dense or inexperienced? Or is she a realllllly good faker? These are important questions too, bec I've known several women who didn't find their bfs/dhs attractive bec the men were lousy in bed and didn't know it. Or perhaps part of the problem is that she seems to be so uncomfortable talking about this topic that she'd rather separate than deal with it.

Just like Christine said, she was caught up in the new-relationship lust. He's an amazing guy and I'm sure she was very attracted to his personality. Now that the novelty has word off, she's not attracted to him physically and she said there are some other things about him that drive her nuts. Deal breakers? I don't know.

She said she is still attracted to men, just not him.

He's not dense, per se. In denial I think. She said he thinks she's got a hormonal inbalance and that's why she doesn't want to have sex. He's encouraged her to talk to her gyn - which she is, but privately knows that's not the problem.

I think she rushed into marriage and has done a lot of growing up since then. And even though they are both young and can easily remarry and have more kids, they have the one that they both adore. Neither of them wants a broken home.

ead, I think you are right, too. It's more than that, and the lack of attraction is a symptom. Maybe she married the wrong person.

 

[MELSMICE]

I would remind her that no relationship is 100% physical attraction.

If she really & truly loves her DH then they definitely need to see a counselor & she should speak with her OB - even if she doesn't think a hormonal imbalance is the problem.

Maybe the marriage can't be saved, but if she does love him there may be some small spark that can turn the relationship around.

BTW - is he physically attractive in your view or not? Or is she just turned off by his personality now?

 

[Mickeyistheman]

This post seems quite interesting to me.

I have just started dating this AMAZING guy. Too good to be true, bought me 3 dozen roses on our 1st date and is respectful and wonderful etc. etc.

However I am not attracted to him one bit. There is no spark or chemistry.

Now I am 29 years old and have been treated badly by other men that I was attracted to.

I am afraid that I am going to settle with this guy because he treats me like I should be treated, but I have been trying so hard to see him as he sees me and it just isn't working.

Maybe that is what happened with her, she thought she might grow into it and you can sleep with someone you aren't attracted to, it happens quite often.

Woman deserved to be treated with respect and since she did become pregnant, she might have thought it would have grown into something more. But sometimes it just doesn't happen and now unfortunately she is stuck.

 

[believe]

Looks fade...Long term attraction is built from the inside out. As others have said there is more to this that his looks.

 

[MsLeFever]

I'd be asking her who she thinks she'll be married to when she's 68 and they are all ugly.

I'm sorry I'm not much help in situations like this. I personally believe every marriage goes through hot and cold physically. That is just the nature of they human psyche.

Overall, if he's a good guy, you be grateful for what you have and you work at it until it works. If you can't do that, then I don't think you should have gotten married in the first place and I don't think you should get married again until it is something you are capable of doing.

Those are just my values.

Amen - I share those thoughts! Nobody feels turned on by their spouses all of the time (at least nobody I know is that lucky) you need to figure out how to make it through to the next time that you are.

 

[vettechick99]

She confided in me because I have been there. I married my high school sweetheart who was a great guy, but I was never attracted to him. I should have never committed to him but I was too immature to speak up. I finally left after 5 years of marriage. It was the best decision I EVER made for myself.

I am now married to an equally amazing guy but DH is really attractive to me. It keeps the spark alive and that is important to a marriage.

Mickeyistheman, do not settle down with this guy. Years into the marriage you will find yourself attracted to someone else. We are sexual creatures and it's not something you can talk yourself out of. There are so many guys out there who are great men & fatheres and attractive. Wait it out. I did and it's worth it.

MELSMICE, her DH is attractive, just not my type.

So does she tell him the real reason? I'm thinking she needs to talk to a therapist (not her pastor, no offense) and really get her feelings out in the open. Like y'all said, it's probably deeper than we think.

 

[vettechick99]

Amen - I share those thoughts! Nobody feels turned on by their spouses all of the time (at least nobody I know is that lucky) you need to figure out how to make it through to the next time that you are.

I agree with this, but I don't think that's the case here.