EEK! Teenage neighbor puts me in awkward position! What should I do?*Update! Page 4

[BMNABrinx]

Read through all the posts quickly but wanted to say I think the OP has made a very difficult decision but did a great job. I have a 17 yr. old daughter and as hard as it would be to accept I would hope that if she couldn't talk to me about a situation she could find someone as kind, compassionate and willing to help as the OP. In an ideal world this situation would not take place but we don't live in an ideal world. I would much rather someone my daughter trusted point her in the direction of Planned Parenthood or something similar than her have to deal with an unexpected pregnancy at age 17. Parents need to accept the reality that just because they say don't do "it" that doesn't mean that the kids will listen.

In my opinion, Great Job OP for taking this young lady "under your wing" so to speak. Sometimes its easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

I think you did the right thing. Not every teen can talk to his/her parents about sex and birth control. I'm sure this young lady has already received numerous abstinence lectures at school and from her parents. It's important that SOMEBODY talk to her about birth control, since she is asking about it.

I work in health care and spent many years in pediatrics. You would not believe all the mythology that STILL surrounds birth control, and much of it is the same stuff that I heard when I was a teenager in the 1970s! Like you can't get pregnant if you do it standing up, or if it's your first time, or if you jump up and down, etc., etc. They emphasis in schools is on abstinence so kids can't get accurate info on sex and birth control there.

 

[KikiFan]

Just wanted to throw an interesting twist into this discussion. (going the direction Maggie was going)

I wonder, just for the sake of argument, how anyone here would feel if their DD went to a neighbor and they gave your DD religious/spiritual advice that they KNOW goes directly against your familys specific beliefs because they disagree with you and think your way of parenting is unhealthy. Add into this that this is a neighbor that you don't like and does not like you, not someone you respect and not someone you feel confident that they respect your family values.

For example, let's say you are non-Christian. And your neighbor is a Christian and feels your beliefs are 'wacko', that you are not being a good parent and endangering her life by what she considers promoting sexual activity by discussing birth control options.

How comfortable would you be with your neighbor counseling your child? How far would be too far?

How involved with your children would be ok with a neighbor who you do not like and does not like you?

Just food for thought. And honestly what I think is the main concern with many of us who have 'flamed' the OP.

(FTR, I have always stated in this thread that I believe the OP should have given this girl the number of a womens clinic)

But religion and sex ed are too very different things. Counseling someone about safe sex can literally save their life. I don't think you can really compare the too.

I wouldn't have felt very comfortable couseling someone elses child about sex but as a woman and someone who's lost friends to aids, I'd feel responsible to do so to any child that comes to me - no matter whose child they are.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Something just doesn't sound right.

I find it hard to believe that in the year 2007 a 16 doesn't have a clue about birth control or her menstrual cycle. Even if her mother never sat down and talked to her, she could have found the correct information on her own. Surely she knows how to use the internet. What about textbooks. A 16-year-old is 11th maybe 10th grade. I assume she's had a health class by now which would have included sex education.

ITA

We had sex ed in 6th grade in my school back in the stone ages. The first time I got my cycle I knew what to do and was informed. I never had the talk with my mom, but I was never clueless.

If the situation you described ever happened to me I would have offered Jane to go to her mom together and talk about this. I would have been the one to start the conversation and done everything to keep the situation calm.

 

[DisneyfeverTN]

OP - I think you did a great job. If a teen doesn't feel comfortable talking to their parents about sex, then they need to talk to a responsible adult and get the education they need to make good decisions. There is no way I could have talked to my parents about sex when I was a teen.

You can't go wrong with helping another person become more educated. Good for you. I'll bet you're a wonderful step mom to your dh's kids!

 

[Southern4sure]

I found this to be informative. This is a state by state "Minors Access to Contraceptive Services" dated as of June 1, 2007.

http://www.guttmacher.org/statecenter/spibs/spib_MACS.pdf

I do have a question for the OP though. Does Jane or her boyfriend drive, if not, how is she going to the Health Dept.? If she is as sheltered as you say (been there) when is she going to have a chance to go? Selma is a small town where everyone almost knows everyone. Im sure if and when Jane goes to the health dept. mom will know about it somehow.

I grew up with a religiously strict mom (Pentecostal in south Alabama.. ), I know what being sheltered is esp as a teen.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

The name calling was a direct result at my anger for the things that she has done in the past and the fact that her child came to me because her mother refused to BE A MOTHER> Like it or not moms it is YOUR job to answer the hard questions.
If you don't want your kids going to someone like me EDUCATE THEM! DON'T TURN THEM AWAY! ANSWER THEIR QUESTIONS EVEN IF THEY MAKE YOU CRINGE!

And because the 16 year old told you she actually spoke to her parents and they TURNED her ways, it's got to be true right? Yup i can totally see how this woman refused to be a mother.

 

[Saffron]

It's one thing to counsel someone on safe sex practices ... that's a universal cause ... with no age, gender, or religous biases. It's no different than counseling someone about any number of things that can kill you. But this thread isn't about safe sex practices and HIV/AIDS or other STD's, this is about birth control pills, there is a difference. Granted they are both sexually related, that's about it. And I think a lot of people are losing the sight that the daughter DID talk to her mom about going on the pill, and the mom said no. That's when the OP stepped in. So it's not like the neighbor's child couldn't talk to her mom, she just didn't like the answer about not having her permission to be on the pill. Maybe they discussed safe sex practices.

Telling someone to practice safe sex is a whole different story than counseling someone about birth control pills and abortion because you feel their mother isn't doing a very good job of doing so, or unwilling to do so, so you will do it for her. That's where the OP crosses the line in my books. That's what this is all about. The child came to her about information about the pill and where she could get it without her parents knowledge or consent AFTER the child had the discussion about wanting to go on the pill the and her mother said no, not the pill. That's when the OP should have handed over a telephone number, or the name of some places for the child to look up herself, then stepped out of the way. But it's done now, it's really a moot point, I have no idea why I'm arguing or defending my stance on the subject.

I have no problem with the OP giving the child the information to go to someone else to get the information. Someone who is knowledgable about the laws in the state, someone who is knowledgable about ALL sorts of birth control methods and devices and someone who is educated and trained to talk to teens who are curious and trying to hide "things" from their parents. They are the people who may well be the ones to help her if her method of birth control fails, or if there are complications from her birth control etc.

I do however have a problem with the OP going to the health department, gathering information for her, then giving her that information because she dislikes the mother's points of view. I also have a problem with her telling the child "her rights" when it comes to terminating a pregnancy, unless she's an authority on the subject, and obviously she wasn't, very few of us are. Again, that's a discussion to have with people knowledgable about the subject, the laws, etc.

We all want our children to go to someone with problems if they feel they can't come to us (step-children in my case, who are grown and over all of this stuff ). But I *think* we would want them to go to people we respect and trust, someone we think is caring, compassionate and kind, if they feel they can't come to us. Obviously the OP and the neighbor don't think or feel that way about each other. I'm sure the neighbor thinks the OP is just as "whacko" as the OP feels the neighbor is. But remember, the child did go to her mother, the child just didn't like the answer her mother gave her.

Just as an aside: This child not only had a discussion about going on the pill with her mother, but her mother told her how she felt about the subject (I went on the pill when I was 17 and NEVER had that sort of discussion with my mother, I was too scared to because I know my mom would have been overly dramatic about the whole thing , I just went to Planned Parenthood like the rest of my friends ). This child also has her own car. This child also had the freedom to go to the health department as soon as the neighbor gave her the health department card, without her parents knowledge or permission ... just left to head right over there. If she has that sort of freedom, if she feels free enough to discuss birth control with her mother AND she is finding the time and place to "do IT", can she really be that sheltered?

 

[PrettyInTink]

EEK! You never actually went to the health dept, did you?

If you would have, you would have found that 'Jane' (if there really is such a desperate sexually active neighbor with no where to turn because she has an unreasonable 'MonsterMom') would not have to be 16 yo to have access to contraceptive services. I think you misread Barkleys earlier post which cited 16 as the age of sexual consent in Alabama, but that is not the age of consent for contraceptive services (two entirely different things)

Still concerned about accurate information for teens?

Have you ever heard of Title X?

You have the internet, look it up.
Be sure to type in Alabama, for specific laws in your state.

Actually, you misunderstood my post. I told the lady I spoke to at the HD that Jane was 16 and I asked her if she was able to get BC pills on her own and she said yes. Maybe I didn't make that clear. I don't claim to know all the laws in Alabama, I was just asking the lady at the HD so I could inform myself on what was available. I really have no use for you accusing me of lying. You are implying that I just posted this because I was bored and had nothing better to do. Wrong. Jane exists. I went to the HD. Get a life and stop trying to stir up contraversy. If you can't contribute to the thread without being hateful and accusatory, just don't post.

 

[PrettyInTink]

i just have to wonder-knowing that maybe the op is using the term 'it' because this is a family board. is the girl actualy having intercourse?

reason i ask is because i went to school with some incredibly sheltered religious girls-and they truly were so misinformed that they believed that 'it' (as in what causes a woman to become impregnated) was as little as a french kiss or digital penatration.

if this girl is as sheltered as the op describes-is it possible that she actualy has not 'crossed the line'-and the information she is provided re. birth control may give her the WRONG impression that all teens do engage in intercourse? (i say wrong because while i believe a large percentage of teens do engage in intercourse-it seems with the increased practice/acceptance of other forms of sexual gratification between teens in recent years-some types that many adult women feel are actualy less acceptable prior to marriage/more personal than intercourse-actual intercourse between teens may not be occuring with the frequency we've previously seen).

i have to hope that in the op's situation-the information actualy suited the circumstance.

Sorry, I just wasn't sure if sex was a word allowed on the DIS, so I was playing it safe. I stressed condoms to Jane and how important they are to keep her healthy and protect her but she was more interested in the pill. I hope she uses both but who can tell. She seemed much more scared of pregnancy than AIDS and that scared me.

 

[PrettyInTink]

Just wanted to throw an interesting twist into this discussion. (going the direction Maggie was going)

I wonder, just for the sake of argument, how anyone here would feel if their DD went to a neighbor and they gave your DD religious/spiritual advice that they KNOW goes directly against your familys specific beliefs because they disagree with you and think your way of parenting is unhealthy. Add into this that this is a neighbor that you don't like and does not like you, not someone you respect and not someone you feel confident that they respect your family values.

For example, let's say you are non-Christian. And your neighbor is a Christian and feels your beliefs are 'wacko', that you are not being a good parent and endangering her life by what she considers promoting sexual activity by discussing birth control options.

How comfortable would you be with your neighbor counseling your child? How far would be too far?

How involved with your children would be ok with a neighbor who you do not like and does not like you?

Just food for thought. And honestly what I think is the main concern with many of us who have 'flamed' the OP.

(FTR, I have always stated in this thread that I believe the OP should have given this girl the number of a womens clinic)

For the record, I am a Christian. I believe in and love God with all my heart. Jane had already had sex when she approached me. I jsut gave her the best info I could.

 

[shelemm]

The OP did an admirable job in handling a difficult situation. I only wish that I could handle situations as maturely!

Nobody has really said what the OP could have done differently, except that one poster would have simply handed her the phone numbers and be done with it, rather than going the extra step (as the OP did) in finding out information on her own.

Really, this is splitting hairs. It all amounts to pretty much the same thing. Either you give the girl an "it's not my place" or you don't.

If my child felt that they couldn't come to me, then God bless any mature person who is willing to give them advice, even if it may differ from what I'd say.

I'd be proud to have the OP as my friend.

 

[PrettyInTink]

The OP did an admirable job in handling a difficult situation. I only wish that I could handle situations as maturely!

Nobody has really said what the OP could have done differently, except that one poster would have simply handed her the phone numbers and be done with it, rather than going the extra step (as the OP did) in finding out information on her own.

Really, this is splitting hairs. It all amounts to pretty much the same thing. Either you give the girl an "it's not my place" or you don't.

If my child felt that they couldn't come to me, then God bless any mature person who is willing to give them advice, even if it may differ from what I'd say.

I'd be proud to have the OP as my friend.

Thank you. I think the posters who keep attacking me are just attempting to stir up trouble.

 

[PrettyInTink]

I have no problem with the OP giving the child the information to go to someone else to get the information. Someone who is knowledgable about the laws in the state, someone who is knowledgable about ALL sorts of birth control methods and devices and someone who is educated and trained to talk to teens who are curious and trying to hide "things" from their parents. They are the people who may well be the ones to help her if her method of birth control fails, or if there are complications from her birth control etc.

I do however have a problem with the OP going to the health department, gathering information for her, then giving her that information because she dislikes the mother's points of view. I also have a problem with her telling the child "her rights" when it comes to terminating a pregnancy, unless she's an authority on the subject, and obviously she wasn't, very few of us are. Again, that's a discussion to have with people knowledgable about the subject, the laws, etc.

We all want our children to go to someone with problems if they feel they can't come to us (step-children in my case, who are grown and over all of this stuff ). But I *think* we would want them to go to people we respect and trust, someone we think is caring, compassionate and kind, if they feel they can't come to us. Obviously the OP and the neighbor don't think or feel that way about each other. I'm sure the neighbor thinks the OP is just as "whacko" as the OP feels the neighbor is. But remember, the child did go to her mother, the child just didn't like the answer her mother gave her.

Just as an aside: This child not only had a discussion about going on the pill with her mother, but her mother told her how she felt about the subject (I went on the pill when I was 17 and NEVER had that sort of discussion with my mother, I was too scared to because I know my mom would have been overly dramatic about the whole thing , I just went to Planned Parenthood like the rest of my friends ). This child also has her own car. This child also had the freedom to go to the health department as soon as the neighbor gave her the health department card, without her parents knowledge or permission ... just left to head right over there. If she has that sort of freedom, if she feels free enough to discuss birth control with her mother AND she is finding the time and place to "do IT", can she really be that sheltered?

I might have overstepped by telling her her mother couldn't force her to have an abortion. But the mother is using threats and scare tactics and we see how well it works, the child is already having sex. I did not "gather information". I simply talked to the health department for my own benefit (to find out the absolute, legal facts myself, and what was available there) and to point her in the right direction. I refused the condoms and literature offered to me by the HD, and rather gave Jane a card with the name of a social worker who can better assist her in a way that I am not qualified to do. At this point its between her and the social worker. I don't get how that's "gathering information" for anyone except myself to better help me if this situation ever comes up again.

 

[PrettyInTink]

And because the 16 year old told you she actually spoke to her parents and they TURNED her ways, it's got to be true right? Yup i can totally see how this woman refused to be a mother.

Why attack the child? So she's a liar just because she's not the mom? So ALL kids are liars? I shouldn't believe a word she says? What is your point or contribution to this thread other than attacking me because you are sticking up for a woman you don't know but I do?

 

[PrettyInTink]

I found this to be informative. This is a state by state "Minors Access to Contraceptive Services" dated as of June 1, 2007.

http://www.guttmacher.org/statecenter/spibs/spib_MACS.pdf

I do have a question for the OP though. Does Jane or her boyfriend drive, if not, how is she going to the Health Dept.? If she is as sheltered as you say (been there) when is she going to have a chance to go? Selma is a small town where everyone almost knows everyone. Im sure if and when Jane goes to the health dept. mom will know about it somehow.

I grew up with a religiously strict mom (Pentecostal in south Alabama.. ), I know what being sheltered is esp as a teen.

Jane has access to the family car and drives it on occasion, where, I do not know.
Jane's family is Penecostal as well. And yes, Selma is only as big as a minute and I'm sure everyone will know if she goes to the health department. Maybe then her mom will answer her questions and help her out a little.

 

[Southern4sure]

Jane has access to the family car and drives it on occasion, where, I do not know.
Jane's family is Penecostal as well. And yes, Selma is only as big as a minute and I'm sure everyone will know if she goes to the health department. Maybe then her mom will answer her questions and help her out a little.

Jane has more freedom than I did at 16. I was not allowed to drive and I did not get my license until I was 17 1/2. Not defending the mom but my mom was so strict that pregnant was a curse word in the house. My mom is a very private person and did not talk about the facts of life (she has 7 kids... ) so maybe the mom is the same. I would not say this is a reason to be called "whacko" but it was/is her choice as a parent.

I parent totally opposite of my mom but no matter what faults I think my mom made I still respect her and her decisions.

 

[JadenLayne]

I still agree 100 percent with what you did. We have a large drug problem where I live, and I'm sure where alot of you live as well. There are many children who have parents who don't give a fig about them. They need someone!!!!

No she isn't mature enough to be having sex. That's a given! I can just about guarantee you though that she isn't going to stop. That's why I think what the OP did is so good. The child needs to know options. She needs to know how to prevent AIDS and pregnancy. Okay I'm going way off on a limb here but what if Jane became pregnant and the mom forced her to give the baby up for adoption. That can scar someone for life! So could abortion! It's simply better that this child KNOWS the way to stop all of the above from happening.

I don't know if the mom is a whacko or not but I certainly know that such mom's exsist and that their children usually don't know what in the hell to do. Oh and I went to a Christian School and my son goes to the same school I did. They DO NOT have health class. What they learn comes from their parents, friends, or confidants.

As I've said my son is 15 and he knows there isn't a question he can't ask me. I don't care what it is! We are Christian and of course we HOPE and TRY to teach him abstinance but if he chooses differently you can bet your bottom dollar he will know how to protect himself and his girlfriend.

Parents have to realize that when their children hit the teenage years no matter how hard they preach, sometimes the child is going to go their own way and have their own beliefs and there comes a time when you NEED to listen to them regardless of whether they agree with you or not. They are growing up, becoming young adults and going their own way.

Oh and to answer Maggie's question of when would I draw the line........I wouldn't. If a child put that much trust in me I would be there for him/her period. I would ALWAYS try and get him/her to talk to his/her parents but I would never turn my back on the child.

 

[crazee4mickey]

OP, I think that what you did was intelligent and caring and I applaud you for helping the girl out when she needed it!


Intelligent because you could have turned the girl away and refused to talk to her at all but you chose to help give the girl some direction because she thought she had no where else to go. She did put you in an awkward position but instead of turning your back on her you chose to help her out.

I also think you were caring, you didn't want this girl's life to be ruined by an unplanned pregnancy or worse because of a mother---who IMHO you know better than any of the rest of us on this board---who really couldn't be bothered!

To those who feel the need to "pounce" on the OP about things she has said or terms she has used in describing the situation:

The OP knows the mother, you don't...plain and simple.

The OP knows the girl....you don't....plain and simple.

Many of you don't know the community where they live...plain and simple.

I'm sorry to those who think it is ridiculous that a 16 year old would not know about the things the OP has posted about.

I work in a public school and can guarantee that there are kids in high school who are shy and withdrawn or come from religious homes or from families who just don't feel comfortable discussing sex (whether it be old fashioned values or just feeling awkward about talking to their kids).

Regardless of some statements on here, there actually are some kids who do not have a clue about sex or how to prevent it regardless of what arguments you want to put forth to argue it!

I will now step off of my soap box.....

 

[PrettyInTink]

Thanks PP's. I think that I did ok in the situation. It just kind of came out of no where, ya know? I hope that one day she can talk to her mom. It must be extremely difficult to watch your daughter become a woman. Heck, it was hard enough with my step daughter! You jsut arm them with the information they need and hope and pray they make the right decisions. Jane is a very bright, witty, teenage girl. Sadly I think her mother being so strict will only make her want to show her wild streak even more.