EEK! Teenage neighbor puts me in awkward position! What should I do?*Update! Page 4

[PrettyInTink]

Ok, a little background: I am 26, dh is 42 with 2 teenagers. So I have been around the block with the birds and bees, protect yourself, know the facts, Aids/Hiv talk, yadayada. So yesterday our neighbor (girl, 16) comes to talk to me about IT. Apparantly she has a boyfriend and IT is happening.

She proceeds to ask me about the pill. Her mother wont put her on it because or religious beliefs (what an idiot, protect your child, fill her pockets full of condoms, jeez). So neighbor, we'll call her Jane, asks me how she can get the pill without her mother. I think clearly and instead of telling her how much of a nut her mother is, I say she should just talk to her mom about it and tell her how she feels. I also tell her to be honest with her mother because she should know if her child is ACTIVE so she can take proper precautions. Jane then tells me that the mother says NO WAY to the pill, she's tried to talk to her, and the mother also threatened saying "If you get pregnant, your car gets taken away (oh, yep, that'll keep her from doing IT ) AND that she will FORCE her to terminate the pregnancy, should it happen.
THIS is when I get REALLY ticked off and found it difficult to hold my composure. I told Jane that that is a choice she had legal rights to make for herself and that no one, not even her mom, could make that decision for her no matter how old she is. Jane then asks me ???'s about her monthly cycle. She says all mom told her is how to deal with it when it happens, didn't explain anything, no medicine for the cramps (again, against some wacko religious beliefs ). So I try to explain how this childs monthlies work so she will atleast know what is going on with her body! Why can't her mother do this!!!!! It's not rocket science and the girl is flying blind in the body awareness department.

So, I told her that she could go to any health department and get condoms for free. I also told her that the pill can be obtained the same way at our health department. I am a little worried that MonsterMom is going to find out somehow and get mad at me. Should I talk to the mom? I feel like it would only get Jane in trouble at this point. I tried to stay out of it and only give her straight answers but I feel like I kind of told her to go behind moms back. HELP! Any moms of teens out there with some insight???

 

[twinklebug]

...Her mother wont put her on it because or religious beliefs
... she will FORCE her to terminate the pregnancy, should it happen.

Something's wrong with her story. I know many people who believe taking the pill is against their religious beliefs, however these same people are also of the belief that terminating a pregnancy is worse.

I think the daughter hasn't been truthful with you or her mom. Chances are she's hasn't even approached the subject with her.

 

[dreamcometrue]

maybe you offer to have a talk with mom? Sorry you are being put into this situation, but it sounds like she trusts you a lot. I wouldn't go and talk to her mother without her knowing about it though. I wouldn't be exactly happy if my 16 year old DD came and asked me for the pill, but I would like the consequences of her NOT being on the pill even less!

 

[PrettyInTink]

Problem is, Jane is not prone to lying. Mom is a wacko who stands on her religious stump by day and drinks heavily by night (witnessed by my own eyes). She only cares (IMHO) about LOOKING bad. I.E.- taking Jane to doctor for the pills (everyone in our small town would know) or Jane having a baby (that would surely get mom kicked out of the Ladies league).

I offered to talk to Mom and Jane says she'll never get to see her BF again if I do. I am losing sleep over this! My stepkids talk to DH and I AND their mom about EVERYTHING! We all have a very open communication, for the sake of the kids. I just don't know what to do!

 

[twinklebug]

I offered to talk to Mom and Jane says she'll never get to see her BF again if I do. I am losing sleep over this! My stepkids talk to DH and I AND their mom about EVERYTHING! We all have a very open communication, for the sake of the kids. I just don't know what to do!

I totally agree with you re: open communication with the kids.

Here's my thinking: She's 16! She has no business doing anything with boys other than holding hands and giggling about stepping on each other's toes when trying to slow dance. Were it my daughter, niece or neighbor's daughter, certainly wouldn't care if she never sees this boyfriend again. Don't worry about being friends with the daughter. You're the adult. Tell the mother.

How old is this boyfriend? I certainly hope for his sake he's not 18 or over.

 

[noahynav]

I totally agree with you re: open communication with the kids.

Here's my thinking: She's 16! She has no business doing anything with boys other than holding hands and giggling about stepping on each other's toes when trying to slow dance. Were it my daughter, niece or neighbor's daughter, certainly wouldn't care if she never sees this boyfriend again. Don't worry about being friends with the daughter. You're the adult. Tell the mother.

How old is this boyfriend? I certainly hope for his sake he's not 18 or over.

I am sorry, but I feel that you are somewhat old fashioned in your thinking. In an ideal world, teenagers would never have sex, but in a realistic one, they do. Almost everyone I know lost their virginity at some point during high school. And like it or not, biologically it is what their bodies are telling them to do.
This poor girl needs someone to confide in. Shame on the mother for not being that person. Our job as parents is to eduacate our children so they can take care of themselves. This poor girl was never even told everything about menstruation? Whether it is 16 or 26, she is going to have sex eventually. Why wouldn't you want her to have the knowledge of how to protect herself from pregnancy and disease?
I absolutely do not think any good will come from telling the mother. And forbidding girls from seeing their boyfriends NEVER works. Where there is a will there is a way. I saw it many times in high school. If teens want have sex, they will. The best thing we can do is teach them abstinence, but also educate about the other stuff for when the time is right.

 

[poohandwendy]

Something's wrong with her story. I know many people who believe taking the pill is against their religious beliefs, however these same people are also of the belief that terminating a pregnancy is worse.

I think the daughter hasn't been truthful with you or her mom. Chances are she's hasn't even approached the subject with her.

I have to agree with you there.

I don't think she has actually talked to her mom about this.

I think the best thing you can do is to tell her that if she cannot talk to her mom, she needs to go to Planned Parenthood to discuss birth control options with a doctor.

It's obvious you think very little of her mother, so I would stay out of it other than directing her to a doctor. There really isn't much more you can do.

 

[poohandwendy]

Shame on the mother for not being that person. Our job as parents is to eduacate our children so they can take care of themselves. This poor girl was never even told everything about menstruation?

With all due respect, we have no idea what her mother has said to her about any of this.

For all we know, the girl in question just does not want to talk to her mother because she knows her mother will disapprove of the relationship and make it difficult to see her BF.

That is classic teen girl "I can't talk to my mom/she won't talk to me" usually boils down to "I know what my parents response will be to the fact that I am sexually active"

I have worked with teen girls, regarding birth control, and I can tell you that more often than not these girls are doing everything they can to avoid this conversation with their parents because they do not want them to know they are sexually active. Many of them have parents who will talk to them, but the girl is embarrassed talking about this with her parents.

Because the OP is not close with the mother, and obviously doesn't like her, I think the responsible action would be to tell the girl to talk to a doctor about her concerns. That is where she will get the most accurate information, for her circumstances, anyways.

 

[pearlieq]

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I would answer any questions she had thoroughly and honestly. I would also explain to her where she could get birth control without her mother knowing, be it from the health department, Planned Parenthood, or even the local Wal-Mart. Then I would show her the bus schedule, walking path, or cab company that could get her there.

Women need to look out for each other, and if this girl's mother isn't going to do her job, I hope someone compassionate and responsible will step in.

 

[poohandwendy]

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I would answer any questions she had thoroughly and honestly. I would also explain to her where she could get birth control without her mother knowing, be it from the health department, Planned Parenthood, or even the local Wal-Mart. Then I would show her the bus schedule, walking path, or cab company that could get her there.

Women need to look out for each other, and if this girl's mother isn't going to do her job, I hope someone compassionate and responsible will step in.

I won't flame you, I would do the same thing (and have). But, I don't think it is fair to make the assumption that the mother WON'T, mainly because I know too many teen girls who would lie about this topic. (*because they do not want to talk to their parents to know they are sexually active)

 

[pearlieq]

I won't flame you, I would do the same thing (and have). But, I don't think it is fair to make the assumption that the mother WON'T, mainly because I know too many teen girls who would lie about this topic. (*because they do not want to talk to their parents to know they are sexually active)

You're right that she may have not talked to her mother (though I cannot fathom why a 16 year old does not clearly understand menstruation), and your ideas about their logic make sense.

I think that's why I would stop before actually taking her to the clinic myself. But I can't see a downside to knowledge and I'd make sure she was armed with as much as possible.

 

[poohandwendy]

You're right that she may have not talked to her mother (though I cannot fathom why a 16 year old does not clearly understand menstruation), and your ideas about their logic make sense.

I think that's why I would stop before actually taking her to the clinic myself. But I can't see a downside to knowledge and I'd make sure she was armed with as much as possible.

Me neither and me too .

 

[noahynav]

With all due respect, we have no idea what her mother has said to her about any of this.

For all we know, the girl in question just does not want to talk to her mother because she knows her mother will disapprove of the relationship and make it difficult to see her BF.

That is classic teen girl "I can't talk to my mom/she won't talk to me" usually boils down to "I know what my parents response will be to the fact that I am sexually active"

I have worked with teen girls, regarding birth control, and I can tell you that more often than not these girls are doing everything they can to avoid this conversation with their parents because they do not want them to know they are sexually active. Many of them have parents who will talk to them, but the girl is embarrassed talking about this with her parents.

Because the OP is not close with the mother, and obviously doesn't like her, I think the responsible action would be to tell the girl to talk to a doctor about her concerns. That is where she will get the most accurate information, for her circumstances, anyways.[/



It doesn't matter. Either way the mother has made the daughter feel like she can't come to her. Whether it is fear, embarrassment, disapproval, whatever. I knew that I could tell my mom when I started having sex. I don't think she was "happy" about it. I do not think that any parent really "wants" to know this, but it is still their job to protect them. I have already started having the sex talk with my oldest and he is only 10. He knows how babies are made, he knows what menstruation is etc. The earlier I have these coversations with him, the more normal it will be for him to come to me. Do I expect all the details of his sex life some day? NO. But the bottom line is when and if he needs something, I am not worried that he will be knocking on the neighbors door.

There comes a time when parents need to be there for their children even if they do not agree with decisions being made. This girl will legally be an adult in 2 years. What then? The mom doesn't have to like what is going on, and she can even try explaining why abstaining might be a better idea. But my point is, without communication the daughter doesn't know what to do. It doesn't matter what the reason, the lines of communication are not open and that IS a problem.

 

[pooh98378]

Something's wrong with her story. I know many people who believe taking the pill is against their religious beliefs, however these same people are also of the belief that terminating a pregnancy is worse.

I think the daughter hasn't been truthful with you or her mom. Chances are she's hasn't even approached the subject with her.

Maybe not necessarily... The religious beliefs part probably plays a role in the no birth control area, but the terminating the pregnancy might be more of a threat of what would happen if she got pregnant. I can imagine the kid coming to the mom and mentioning this and then the mom freaking out and saying that she would have to terminate the pregnancy, take away the car, etc. When it really comes down to it, who knows what would actually happen...

This is a hard one, but I think I would have to side with the don't tell mom group. I don't really see anything positive coming from telling the mom if the daughter has already tried to talk to her. This is assuming that you think the kid is telling the truth about going to her mom. If you think she is being less than honest, then I would go ahead and let the mom know.

Just my two cents.

 

[poohandwendy]

It doesn't matter. Either way the mother has made the daughter feel like she can't come to her. Whether it is fear, embarrassment, disapproval, whatever. .

I guess we will just have to disagree. My mother was very open with me, told me she would take me to get birth control if/when I needed to and made me feel that I could tell her anything, but I did not go to her when I became sexually active. It had nothing to do with how she made me feel. I didn't want to have 'that' conversation with her, it was a private thing for me. It had more to do with my own immaturity, at the time, than anything. I think she was actually hurt when she found out years later that I didn't go to her.

My point is, why does this automatically have to become a 'bash the mother-she is obviously not doing it right' type of discussion? What about her father, why hasn't anyone mentioned him? Really, we do not know their personal relationship and it really is besides the point. The girl DID talk to someone (the OP) who CAN steer her in the right direction- straight to a doctors office (or clinic) where she can discuss her own personal situation with someone who can help her at this very important time of her life.

I have always known, from my personal experience and others that I have talked to, that no matter how open and honest and understanding I am with my children, they may or may not come to me when the time comes. There are no guarantees. Parent too often think their children are not sexually active because they think their kids would tell them or that they would just 'know.

So, while I am having these open and honest talks with my kids, I am also adding "If you feel you cannot talk to me or dad about this for whatever reason, PLEASE find a responsible adult to talk to, please go to a clinic/doctor". Because the MOST important thing is that they seek help and take responsibility for themselves when they become sexually active. That is the bottom line, for me.

This is not a dilemma. A dilemma is 'my neighbor felt she had no where to turn and ended up pregnant or with an STD'.

This is a no-brainer to me, talk to the girl and steer her towards getting the health care she need to protect herself from pregnancy and disease. If she cannot/will not talk to her parents, that is her choice. If her parents end up having a problem with your counsel, tell them to pound salt.

JMHO

 

[aprilgail2]

Here's my thinking: She's 16! She has no business doing anything with boys other than holding hands and giggling about stepping on each other's toes when trying to slow dance. Were it my daughter, niece or neighbor's daughter, certainly wouldn't care if she never sees this boyfriend again. Don't worry about being friends with the daughter. You're the adult. Tell the mother.
.

Yea maybe on Little House on the Prairie but its unrealistic to think that is how it is now (heck it isn'[t even how it was when I was a teenager!!)

 

[dg39]

I was never able to talk to my dm about sex as a kid growing up. As a matter of fact, I'm still waiting for the "talk" and I have 3 kids of my own, going through menopause. I guess back then it was different.

I vowed to myself that I'd never be like that with my own kids. We talk about everything at any time and they know they can come to me for anything and always do. Its an amazing and proud feeling.

In any event I'm not sure how I would feel/react if one or any of my kids would feel the need that they had to go to someone else for advice. I guess it would be like getting a slap in the face. But, thats just me.

Being the neighbor teen is still a minor, I would be hesitant to give her such info. as I feel its not my place. I would never take her to a dr. or anywhere for that manner without her parents consent. I would think that doing so is trouble with parent waiting to happen.

The op is in the middle of something that the teen brought her into. I would explain this to the teen and question that maybe there is an aunt or someone in her family that she may be able to go to about this.

If the op was very good friends with the mom/family, then I think it would be a different situation where then the op can talk to the mom herself regarding her daughter.
Good luck, I just think this is a lousy situation to be in, because what I believe as a parent, another parent may not.

 

[Kath2003]

Is it illegal to have sex at 16 in Alabama?

It's legal to have sex at 16 in the UK. Be realistic - many 16 year olds are doing more than kissing! I wouldn't tell her mother. You didn't tell her anything she couldn't have found out for herself at school or via Google.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

Jane then tells me that the mother says NO WAY to the pill, she's tried to talk to her, and the mother also threatened saying "If you get pregnant, your car gets taken away (oh, yep, that'll keep her from doing IT )

You don't have to take Jane anywhere since she (currently) has her own car. You might, in one of your discussions with her, give her the addresses for the Health Department and Planned Parenthood. She should be able to find her own way there.

 

[Tinijocaro]

Here's my thinking: She's 16! She has no business doing anything with boys other than holding hands and giggling about stepping on each other's toes when trying to slow dance.

Wow- what rock did you crawl out from? Although this is how we would all like it to be for our kids, this is not reality. No, not all kids are sexually active at 16, but the ones with serious boyfriends have usually gone beyond just giggling (and who slow dances any more?)

I don't think this girl is being totally upfront with the OP either, but then again, I don't know her.

Also, all the information you gave Jane is readily available on the internet- I don't know one 16 year old who isn't well-versed in finding information online. I suppose she saw a friendly face in you and wanted to talk to a real person, I'm just surprised at her ignorance of her own body with all the information that's available.