Educating someone else's teen...

[Darsa]

Last night I answered the phone at home and it was my DD's boyfriend, who is 14 1/2 years old. We have a really good relationship so we had a lively conversation; he's a lot of fun to talk to.

Anyway, somehow the subject came up about girls and their "time of the month". He asked me, "can I ask you a couple of questions about that?" I actually thought he was kidding but he really had some very good, thoughtful questions about the process and reasons, as well as what girls have to go through. I was a bit uncomfortable at first, but it seemed to become a bit of an education on his part, I think. He certainly seemed to be surprised at some of the answers...

So, without flaming me, should I have told the kid to go ask his own mom (who he doesn't have a great relationship with) for the answers, or do you think it's okay to answer possibly "sensitive" questions like that myself?

Thanks

 

[kellyg403]

Well, I am 50/50 on the subject. As long as it was answering questions, no, I don't think I would mind if someone answered those for my ds. As a parent of a teen, I do think sometimes it takes a village and parents/teens do sometimes end up on the opposite end of the spectrum, cuz..well they are our kids. We still see them as the babies they were, not the young adults they are becoming.

The flipside is that I really don't agree with saying he doesn't have a great relationship with his mom and that is why. Many teens do not have 'great' relationships with their parents while they are teens. Parents and teens..just don't mix sometimes. Parents get to see the good and the bad all the time. Friends get to see mostly the good. So, I have a hard time with the answering questions simply because of that. Would I answer if I was asked a question from a teen? Yes. Would I tell them that some things need to be answered by their parents as their values might be different than mine on certain subjects? Yes.

Kelly

 

[yoopermom]

I think it's fine, because it's not a "values" area (vs discussing birth control, for example). My DS, that age, I can see asking his b.f.'s mom that same type of thing, and I would be ok with it.

Good for you!

Terri

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Why was he so curious? Are they planning to take their relationship further? Why wouldn't he ask your DD?
I am sorry to sound terrible but those were the first things that went through my head. I have never heard of any young boy asking someone's mother about that time of the month. Sorry but that alone strikes me as odd.
As for answering questions, well since he is 14 I would answer if it was purely basic information/facts. If he was younger or if it was something that required my opinion I would send him to his mother.

 

[happygirl]

I think it's great that he felt comfortable talking to you about it. However, I think that is parents place to talk to him about it,


I must admit I have never heard of a boy wanting to know about a girl period

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Asking those questions to the mother of his girlfriend is kind of "hinky"....to quote Abby of NCIS. I am not opposed to talking to teens, it is just the situation.

 

[nmmom95]

I would not want another adult answering sensitive questions for my DS. I would rather he be referred back to me. That being said, DS & I have a good relationship. If the child has no one else to talk to, it's good that he has a trusted adult to answer his questions.

 

[NikitaZee]

I would tread carefully with situations like this. I wouldn't have a problem with my son asking questions like this of his health teacher, but his girlfriend's mom I would think was inappropriate. I don't know why - I'm just imagining the situation with me as the boy's mom and I'm imagining myself being uncomfortable with it.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

Why would you even bring up the topic? Sounds weird to me. I would be mortified if my mother talked about my period with my boyfriend.

I wouldn't have discused it with him either. I would have referred him to his parents. I don't think it is appropriate for stranger (to the parent) to discuss sensitive topics to my teen.

I don't know if I would even encourage my middle schooler to have a boyfriend. But I guess that's just me.

 

[Darsa]

Why would you even bring up the topic?

Well first of all, I *didn't* bring up the topic, he did. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't start conversing with a 14 year old about periods just at random, or for lack of anything better to talk about...

Why was he so curious? Are they planning to take their relationship further? Why wouldn't he ask your DD?

I am not concerned that the relationship is going to get to the level where this might be an issue; I am VERY close to my daughter and she shares a LOT of information with me. So no, I don't believe that sex is an issue. Yet.
He is a VERY curious kid; I've told him many times in the past he'll make a killing as a reporter some day. He's also blindingly intelligent and quick-thinking, and if I answer a question for him it tends to bring up a flood of OTHER questions...

The flipside is that I really don't agree with saying he doesn't have a great relationship with his mom and that is why.

His family life is... interesting. He has a mom who works outside the home AND on the family's farm; she's almost never there, and when she is DD's BF is usually hiding out in his room in the basement. She also trusts me, I believe. If there wasn't that trust (or if I didn't know her) I imagine it would have been more of a "go ask yer mom" type thing. LOL I'm going to be his and his best friend's chaperone on a school trip to DC for a week, so I guess it's a good thing that they both trust me.

Before we met this kid, I would have never ever allowed my daughter to date anyone at this age. We used to tell her she's not dating 'til she's married But this kid has won over not only me, but her father and both of my parents as well.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Well first of all, I *didn't* bring up the topic, he did. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't start conversing with a 14 year old about periods just at random, or for lack of anything better to talk about...
Still- that is not a normal topic of conversation for any 14 year old boy to have with anyone especially his girlfriend's mother.

I am not concerned that the relationship is going to get to the level where this might be an issue; I am VERY close to my daughter and she shares a LOT of information with me. So no, I don't believe that sex is an issue. Yet.

Maybe not yet but I can't imagine any other reason a 14 year old would need to have this discussion. You say you are very close to your dd maybe his mother feels she is very close with her child as well. I still would question why he needs to know this and as a girl I would have been mortified if my mother had a discussion like that with my boyfriend.

He is a VERY curious kid; I've told him many times in the past he'll make a killing as a reporter some day. He's also blindingly intelligent and quick-thinking, and if I answer a question for him it tends to bring up a flood of OTHER questions...
I don't care how curious he is those kind of questions are not something that a young boy brings up with his girlfriend's mother.

His family life is... interesting. He has a mom who works outside the home AND on the family's farm; she's almost never there, and when she is DD's BF is usually hiding out in his room in the basement. She also trusts me, I believe. If there wasn't that trust (or if I didn't know her) I imagine it would have been more of a "go ask yer mom" type thing. LOL I'm going to be his and his best friend's chaperone on a school trip to DC for a week, so I guess it's a good thing that they both trust me.

Just because she has to work a lot doesn't mean she isn't there for her child. That is a very narrowminded thing to say. Maybe she has to work those long hours to survive. It doesn't mean that she has no relationship with her child. As for the kid hiding in his room in the basement that is normal teen behavior. I spent tons of time in my room as a teen. Everyone I know did. We still were close with our families but just liked that it was our own stuff.
Is your dd over the house with him in the basement? If so I would be more concerened about that than anything else. Not to sound terrible but that would raise a flag to me along with the questioning.

Before we met this kid, I would have never ever allowed my daughter to date anyone at this age. We used to tell her she's not dating 'til she's married But this kid has won over not only me, but her father and both of my parents as well.

I am glad that he is very sweet but they are still young kids. I am not trying to sound cynical but it really is strange to have her boyfriend ask you questions like that. I don't care how smart and curious he is.
Good luck.

 

[wdwmom2]

I'd rather that information come from the me (parent), health teacher, or an adult friend (you), rather than the 14 yr old that sits beside him on the school bus who thinks he knows everything but actually doesn't know jack crap!!!!

So, no, I don't think children HAVE to talk exclusively to parents about these things. They just need to talk with someone they trust and who has their facts straight!

 

[OceanAnnie]

I guess I would be okay with talking about hormones and how a young girl or woman can be cranky during that time. Kind of a cursory, "Well, you know that's not like her...", kind of thing. Anything more is a gray area to me. I'd want those kind of questions deferred to me.

 

[Mandychelle79]

If my child is more comfortable asking someone else than me, I would like that person to feel ok with telling me child.

Like my niece is about 7 yrs older than my daughter so when Bradyn is 14 and Syd is 21, yes by all means if Bradyn asks Syd something I want Syd to tell her. Just like if syd asked me something I would tell her.

 

[disykat]

My son is a little older, but I consider his girlfriend's parents to be in the category of "adults he trusts" so I would have no problem with him having personal or even private discussions with them. I figure the broader the "adults he trusts" category is, the better.

I hope when my other son, who is 14, starts dating that he will be fortunate enough to date someone whose parents would fall in the "adults he trusts" categories. For some reason I don't think my younger son has as many adults in his life in this category.

 

[TEENEE]

I have an 18 year old ds and 14 year old dd. If either one of them asked a friends parent that type of question I would hope that the adult would answer the question. I have talked with my ds & his gf about sex. I believe her mother has too. I don't see anything wrong with what you did. The boy may have been wanting to ask someone those questions and when you answered the phone he decided to go for it. Not to mention it may have been easier for him to have that conversation over the phone not face to face.

 

[C.Ann]

Why was he so curious? Are they planning to take their relationship further? Why wouldn't he ask your DD?
I am sorry to sound terrible but those were the first things that went through my head. I have never heard of any young boy asking someone's mother about that time of the month. Sorry but that alone strikes me as odd.
As for answering questions, well since he is 14 I would answer if it was purely basic information/facts. If he was younger or if it was something that required my opinion I would send him to his mother.

Why would you even bring up the topic? Sounds weird to me. I would be mortified if my mother talked about my period with my boyfriend.

I wouldn't have discused it with him either. I would have referred him to his parents. I don't think it is appropriate for stranger (to the parent) to discuss sensitive topics to my teen.

I don't know if I would even encourage my middle schooler to have a boyfriend. But I guess that's just me.

I agree.. As the "mom" of his GF, I don't think it was appropriate at all - and especially at 14! I can't even begin to imagine why he would approach this subject with his GF's mother..

 

[Sgt Mickey]

You know as a parent I would be hurt why my kids didn't come to me first but for obvious reason you mentioned he dosen't feel comfortable talking to her. I think as long as my child is getting the information from a knowlegable adult I would be okay with it. Better to learb it from you then another 14 year old. And as far as it being "weird" he must respect you and think of you more then just his gf's mom but maybe a mom figure himself.

 

[Darsa]

I am glad that he is very sweet but they are still young kids. I am not trying to sound cynical but it really is strange to have her boyfriend ask you questions like that. I don't care how smart and curious he is.

I'm sorry you find it strange; I'm only grateful I was able to give him actual answers rather than gossip and speculation that most of the kids his age seem to go with. DD is very educated regarding all of this, by the way; my thoughts are that it's best to be armored with knowledge.

I'm not sure why he asked me instead of DD, other than maybe it has more merit coming from a "parent-type-person".

I am glad that the general concensus is that it's okay; I thought it was, I mean I didn't go into any kind of graphic detail, use any crass or inappropriate language, or give him my ethical/moral standpoint. Just gave him information. He also asked me what "noble" meant (apparently he had to have a meeting with a school counselor, who used this word to describe him) and I had to kind of explain that as well. I also told him to look it up on dictionary.com, in case I just confused him.

 

[MerMom60_94]

Darsa, I have more than once told my teenage daughter if she doesn't feel she can talk to me about a sensitive topic she should talk to either a teacher, aunt, or one of her friends parents. Certainly it is preferable for her to come and talk to me but what really matters is that she turns to a responsible adult. As far as any comments on where he is going with this, let's suppose those comments are on target. It makes sense to me that you would want to keep an open door to talking about it. Being unapproachable won't make that possibility go away but being there to talk to means you will have the opportunity to keep these kids on track. I don't necessarily think this is more than natural curiosity though.

I have read enough of your posts to know this boy has been in the picture long enough to be comfortable with you and, as Sgt Mickey pointed out, he probably sees you as a mother figure at this point. If he were a 10 year old I would have sent him home. At 14 I would have answered his questions. Then I might have mentioned the conversation to his mother so she can follow-up with him if she wants to see if all his questions are answered.