Dumb joke thread

[Miss Park Avenue]

Mama tomato and daddy tomato were walking down the street with their baby. Poor little baby tomato was falling behind, to many things to look at I guess. Baby tomato finally is so far away, daddy tomato walks back to him and stomps on him and says....."Catch Up!!!"

 

[Miss Park Avenue]

What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when he hits your windshield???
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
His butt!

 

[Sparx]

what goes "ha ha" *Plop*?













Someone laughing their head off!

 

[Cyndiu]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

[mtblujeans]

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to
get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

 

[AllyandJack]

A group of men are standing around in the clubhouse of a country club after a game of golf. A cell phone on one of the benches starts to ring. One of the men picks it up and uses the speaker-phone to have this conversation:

Man: Hello?
Woman: Hi, honey! Wait until you get home and see the shoes I bought. They were only $1,000.!
Man: Wow. Great!
Woman: Then, I drove by the Mercedes dealership and saw the car I wanted.
Man: How much?
Woman: Only $60,000!
Man: OK, but for that much, I want it fully loaded.
Woman: OK. Then that house we had been looking at finally came on the market.
Man: How much?
Woman: Only $950,000!
Man: OK, but only offer $900,000.
Woman: OK! Love you!
Man: Love you.

The man puts the phone down and says, "Anyone know who that phone belongs to?"

 

[Feralpeg]

Do you know why Smokey The Bear's wife never got pregnant? Every time she got hot, he beat her with a shovel.

 

[tinkerbelle22]

Okay, this one's from the Simpsons:

Bart: Excuse me, could you please page Amanda...
Mo: Amanda...wait...Amanda who?
Bart: Um, Amanda Hug and Kiss.
Mo: Okay. (turns and yells in microphone) I need Amanda Hug and Kiss! a-man-da-hug-and-kiss!

Get it? Got it? Good!

 

[wdwgirl03]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?




Because 7 8 9 (seven ate nine).

 

[disykat]

What did the sea say to the shore?







Nothing, it just waved.

 

[chadfromdallas]

What do you call four Mexicans sinking in quick sand?






QUATRO CINCO(or sink-o)!

 

[Tinkerbelle739]

If you are American when you go into the bathroom, what are you while you are in there?

European!!!

Get it? LOL

 

[3gr8kids]

okay - I'm in ~

this from my DD ~

What animal jumps higher than a tree?





All of them because trees can't jump.

 

[Cyndiu]

I can't believe no one posted this one yet!

What did Snow White say when the pictures she'd taken didn't arrive on time?
Some day my prints will come!

 

[MrsKreamer]

What is black and white and read all over?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
a newspaper!

 

[Steffi]

Knock, knock...

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting cow w...

Mooooooo!

 

[marybet]

What side of a horse has the most hair?






The outside!!!


What's black and white and red all over?



A zebra with a sunburn!!

 

[Scullyrules1013]

There's a guy at a bar who's looking to pick up some chicks. The only problem is, he has a wood eye. So when he sees a girl with a harelip, he takes his chance, goes over to her, and asks her out on a date. Her ecstatic reply is, "Would I! Would I!" He shouts back angrily at her, "Harelip! Harelip!"

 

[elliemae1192]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.



I don't know about other parts of the country, but around here there are squished armadillos everywhere.

 

[Miss Park Avenue]

The DR comes out of the hospital room and takes the Mrs aside and says..

"Maam, the good news is that your husband is going to live. But he is going to require constant care. I wrote out a prescription for you. It must be taken every two hours day and night. That means you must get up every two hours during the night to make sure that he takes it. You cannot miss a dose! The meds will cost about $1000 each month, but I'm sure it is worth it to you. He will need a strict diet; no caffiene, sugar, wheat, red meat, nuts, red dye #6 and blue dye #2 and absolutely no eating out. He have an occasional bathroom accidents, be ready to clean him up quick. And he will need excercise too, so be prepared to carry him outdoors so he can get a some fresh air and you can move his legs and arms a bit. I know this will be hard work, but with love and patience I'm sure you can do it.

The Mrs. walks back into the hospital room and Mr. says, "So...what did the DR say???"

Mrs. says, "Honey....you're going to die!!"