DS8 is lying and it's making me crazy!

[esk]

DS8 is lying, like a rug, and it' driving me up the wall. About his homework, about what his dad or teacher said, about sneaking toys when I told him not to, etc. I am at my wit's end here. I've tried punishment, I've tried reason, I've tried "what if I lied to you" scenarios, everything.

Veteran parents, how do I help my DS learn not to lie?

 

[ML_LovesDisney]

I have no advice because my 4.5 yr old daughter will lie also, for example when I came home from work yesterday she told me her dad didn't feed her all day! I looked in the sink and there was pancake batter in the sink and a small bowl of beef stew out so obviously he had fed her. If it's any consolation, I read that kids who lie are very intelligent They just don't have the part of their brain developed yet where they FULLY understand why it's not OK to lie so we have to continuously remind them until they finally get it. Also...this is why children can't testify in a court of law, they are not reliable to repeat situations as they happened. It just has to do with brain development, sometimes I think my DD makes stuff up because she doesn't remember but isn't doing it to intentionally lie. Just keep on him and keep reminding him why it's important to tell the truth.

 

[DeniseinNS]

I would start taking taking things that he likes (tv, computer games, toys, etc..) away as punishment each time that you catch him lying.

 

[MSSANDRA]

One thing that tends to work well is to reduce the chance to lie. If you know that he, for example, ate the cookies that he was not suppose to eat, do not ask him if he ate the cookies. Simple state, you ate the cookies that you were not suppose to eat. Then discipline for the action and not put him in a situation where he can lie. If he lies about something at school, let him know you are going to be in constant contact with the school and will be very aware of what is going on.

One additional thought is not to over react. I attended a workshop on behavior once and lying was considered by most parents as the "worst" behavior of the child. The leader encouaged parents to not over react to a common and normal childhood behavior.

Also be sure he does not overhear you using the adult "little white lies" we all use when we need to get out of a situation. " Sorry, grandma, we can not come over, I have a cold."

Be also very sure not to lie to him. You do not always have to tell the kids the WHOLE story, but they know when you tell them something is not true. They pick up on things we do not even think about. They ask for a toy and we say we do not have enough money, but then hand the guy at the fast food store a 20 dollar bill. Better to say, I am not going to choose to spend my money on that toy today.

Kids will still lie sometimes but sometimes it helps to reshape the enviroment.

Good luck!!

 

[lurkernj]

I hear you!! I don't know either, but DS12 is still doing it to me, and has been on and off for years. Mainly about schoolwork, but sometimes other things. He'll tell me he did his homework, then a note will come home that he's missed 4 or 5 assignments. Doesn't seem to be getting better as he's getting older and I am fearful of what his teen years will be like. We have taken things away like gameboys, cellphones, all video games.

I hate to take away outside play, as he needs the exercise, but this past week we took that away, as well as all TV(after he got in trouble Tuesday for skipping assignments, then went and did it again on Wednesday). He is smart, but very lazy, and doesn't seem to be concerned about the consequences. It's a shame because he is a really sweet kid, always huggy kissy, and would give his last dollar to a friend. But, I cannot trust him. He will look me right in the eye and lie. I am honestly starting to consider therapy as I don't know what else to do.

 

[esk]

lurkernj, that is my son to a T! He is crazy smart but so lazy.....if he does the homework, it takes him all of 5 minutes, but he'll spend more time making up excuses about why he shouldn't do it.

I even got to the point where I had to have the teacher write a note, telling me if the homework was due, because he lied about it so much.

He can look me right in the face and lie, bold faced lie. After I check his story, he'll admit it was a lie, but it takes that much to make him admit it.

He's not allowed to watch TV anyway, and we don't let him use the computer or gameboy, etc, so the only thing I can do is take away his "play" time after daycare, before dinner. I can also send him to bed 30 minutes earlier than his 5 year old sister, which really bothers him, but at this point, that punishment has been so overused I just don't know what to do anymore.

I know lying is normal chiildhood behavior, but I expected him to grow out of it by now, and I"m worried he just won't be able to think ahead to consequences and he's going to need that ability as an adult. No he's not an adult yet, but if he doesn't learn soon, he'll be a teenager and then I am REALLY scared of what he could be lying about.

 

[Rylee]

I know he is only 8 but I would begin to teach him about having faith in himself and his decisions and taking pride in himself.

I admit, we lay it on a little thick to our kids, but we have told them...

"You are only as good as your word. Your actions and your words are the only thing you have to offer, they represent you, all other things can gotten elsewhere. If we can't believe your words, we can't believe much else about you, either."

Most children lie to get out of trouble. We let the kids know, everyone makes mistakes, it's normal, and an acceptable part of learning and growing. If they make a decision that turns out to be the wrong decision, they must "own up" to their mistakes, and set about correcting them. If they lie about their choices, they will be in twice as much trouble.

Each time he lies, I would express my disappointment in him, and he would be disciplined, but I would keep it simple and not over react. To carry on about it too much would be giving him too much power. Also, make things make sense... if he lies about a chore or making a mess, make him complete the first task, (the one he lied about) then add another, similar chore as a punishment. (A child that throws food in the cafeteria should not be sitting in a classroom for detention, he should be cleaning the cafeteria.)

In most situations, people either choose to act or re-act. Try acting instead of re-acting.

Example of re-acting - Finding out he did not complete his homework after he told you (lied) and said he did. Now, of course, this needs to involve punishment, and yet, the homework still isn't done.

Example of acting - Sitting down with him, going through his backpack and finding out what he has for homework, (or checking school website or making arrangements with teacher to have assignments emailed, etc.) Send the message that school is important, and homework comes first. He will not be allowed to play video games, watch TV, whatever, until his homework is finished. The homework will get done with no chance to lie about it.

(For homework - ) Play around with the schedule and see what's the best fit for him/your family. Around here, if they have a game/practice, they must do homework as soon as they get off the bus. On free nights, we give them a choice of doing it as soon as they get home, or right after dinner. Actually, while I'm making dinner works out the best, as I'm am right there to assist and stay "on top of them," if need be.

 

[dizneechic]

From the time my kids were toddlers we always told them if they didn't tell the truth a purple dot showed up on kids foreheads that only their mommies and daddy's could see. Around here it's worked wonders and when mine really aren't lying they tell us to check for the purple dot of if they think a sibling is lying they have us check them for the dot. When mine are lying they try to cover up their foreheads somehow (look away, put on hats/hoods, or twirl their hair right above their foreheads). It's pretty silly, but it was an easy solution for us without over reacting and punishing them for something they weren't quite capable of understanding the problem doing at such a young age.

 

[robinsegg]

We've dealt with this problem before. The way we handled it was to simply no longer trust the child for several days. No matter what she told us, we double-checked on. It drove her crazy! But she needs to understand that trust is earned with honesty and if she chooses not to be honest, no one will believe her.

 

[v.t.]

I think this is something we all go through. I have 3 and they ALL have gone through this stage, some more than others. I tell them that trust has its privileges but they have to be honest and truthful to keep my trust. If that is broken, then they lose those privileges. 2 of the 3 boys have problems keeping my trust, so currently: DS(11) (who did not have his uniform together last game) has to show me all his baseball uniform, laid out on the bed, before he is allowed to go out and play. DS(8) who did not complete his spelling homework last week, has to do his spelling homework with me, before he is allowed to go out and play. It takes MUCH longer to do homework or lay out clothes with Mom than just doing it by themselves. They also have to help me with a chore because I had to take time away from my chores to help them do a simple task.
While we do not make a huge deal about lying, we make it more about trust, respect, and pride. Good luck!

 

[gillenkl]

We tried all the usual "take away" punishments but it wasn't working. So we starting "writing" punishments. She had to write 20 times "I will not lie". Then each lie therafter we add on 10 more and make the sentence longer. "I will not lie about....." She hates writing and this has helped in our case. After she has to start writing 50 times I think the lies will lessen.

 

[Gigi22]

The punishment we used to get was writing out a page from the dictionary correctly. It was boring, and took forever--a good punishment.

 

[bookgirl]

One of the twins is a tall tell teller. He always has been. Not much outright lying but he can embelish. We now (10 1/2) ask him "Is that the truth or is that the (hisname) version of the truth" he'll smile and say "well this and this is true but the other stuff isn't" or he'll say "honest this is what happened". We believe him. He lies about as much as any ten year old who doesn't want to brush his teeth, admit to an extra cookie or do his homework.

 

[lurkernj]

My ds12 is the one mentioned above. After we took everything from him this weekend, DH made him mow the front and back lawn (we have a big yard). He gave him a lecture about how he better get used to manual labor if he's not going to do well in school. This week after school he will be doing the windows on the inside of the house, one room at a time. I think I will have him clean the attic this weekend (it's their play area).

He is already not allowed video games/computer during the week, even when things are going well, as that's always a big distraction.

I like the writing assignments, we'll have to try that next, since he obviously hates to do homework.

 

[princessmom29]

From the time my kids were toddlers we always told them if they didn't tell the truth a purple dot showed up on kids foreheads that only their mommies and daddy's could see. Around here it's worked wonders and when mine really aren't lying they tell us to check for the purple dot of if they think a sibling is lying they have us check them for the dot. When mine are lying they try to cover up their foreheads somehow (look away, put on hats/hoods, or twirl their hair right above their foreheads). It's pretty silly, but it was an easy solution for us without over reacting and punishing them for something they weren't quite capable of understanding the problem doing at such a young age.

What happens when they figure out that YOU lied about the purple dot? My DD6 would already have this pegged as total BS!! She is too smart for any of that stuff at this point, and would be really offended that I tried to lie to her to teach her not to lie.

 

[iwrbnd]

First off, take a deep breath and realize that lying is actually a developmental milestone. If they don't ever lie you're probably dealing with a child on the autism spectrum!

Second, know why a child lies. Research tells us it is to stay in good standing with you. Because of this saying things like "You won't get in trouble if you tell the truth" or "Tell the truth or you will be in trouble" doesn't usually work. Instead say these words "It will make me happy if you tell the truth." In research studies this phrase works the best. (It also works with my 11 year old that tends to lie the most!)

Reading the book "The boy who cried wolf" showed no improvement in lying but the book about George Washington and the apple tree DID change children's lying incidents.

Good luck! I know children aren't lab mice that always react the way studies say but I like to know I'm trying something that USUALLY works!

 

[PA Princess]

As others have said, you can at least take heart in the fact that the lying is normal childhood behavior that all kids try on to some degree.

With 4 kids, we have dealt with it at various times. When a child has developed a habit of lying (as it appears with your son), has been thoroughly taught about the problem, and normal deterents were not working, we would use what we call a Bill Cosby in our home.

We basically would take a few hours one day where dh and I would be untruthful with the child...mirroring as close as possible the types of lies the child is telling. Afterwards we would sit and have a conversation with the child about how it felt to be lied to and how they felt about trusting us after being lied to - we have had some really great conversations with a kid at this point.

These lossons have impacted our kids strongly and while it may not cure lying 100%, it has really decreased the frequency.

 

[Amber74]

As others have said, you can at least take heart in the fact that the lying is normal childhood behavior that all kids try on to some degree.

With 4 kids, we have dealt with it at various times. When a child has developed a habit of lying (as it appears with your son), has been thoroughly taught about the problem, and normal deterents were not working, we would use what we call a Bill Cosby in our home.

We basically would take a few hours one day where dh and I would be untruthful with the child...mirroring as close as possible the types of lies the child is telling. Afterwards we would sit and have a conversation with the child about how it felt to be lied to and how they felt about trusting us after being lied to - we have had some really great conversations with a kid at this point.

These lossons have impacted our kids strongly and while it may not cure lying 100%, it has really decreased the frequency.

Was this something that you read about or was told by a therapist or something? I'm asking because I have a friend with a similar circumstance and she has not tried this form of "treatment". It sounds interesting and might work on this particular child that tunes out the lectures and reasoning. TIA

 

[Rylee]

Was this something that you read about or was told by a therapist or something? I'm asking because I have a friend with a similar circumstance and she has not tried this form of "treatment". It sounds interesting and might work on this particular child that tunes out the lectures and reasoning. TIA

Here's the story I've heard...

Bill Cosby said he was having a problem with his son telling lies. After one incident, when the child wouldn't own up and admit he was lying, Bill called his child over to him. The child, fearing he was in trouble, didn't want to go near his father. Bill insisted he wouldn't do anything to him, told him he wasn't in trouble and wouldn't hurt him. Once the boy was close enough, Bill grabbed him and swatted him. Then, he stood the child on his feet and said, "Now you know what it feels like to be lied to."

 

[PA Princess]

Was this something that you read about or was told by a therapist or something? I'm asking because I have a friend with a similar circumstance and she has not tried this form of "treatment". It sounds interesting and might work on this particular child that tunes out the lectures and reasoning. TIA

Nope, just parent invention...trying to make more concrete the issue with lying is that trust is destroyed.