Drama between kids

[mdsoccermom]

I'm in the stay out of it camp. The girls have to be able to work it out themselves. Not everyone is going to like your daughter, and your daughter isn't going to like everyone. And that's ok.

Your role is not to call the other mother, but to make sure your daughter has the tools to cope.

 

[okeydokey]

I'm sure neither your daughter or Susie is totally innocent or totally at fault. Let the girls work it out, or avoid each other as much as possible if that is what needs to happen. There is no reason for the mom's to make the kids have a sit down.

 

[minniebeth]

At that age, I always told my daughter that your actions speak the truth MUCH louder than your words. And your actions are your best defense against mean people.

I never tried to figure out who was in the right and who was in the wrong when my daughter got into conflicts with people. There's always two sides to every story. Instead, I coached my daughter on taking the high road.

"When someone says something mean, simply roll your eyes, and walk away." (Other options include "amused chuckle", "tolerant smile" and "shake your head and sigh". We practiced! )

"Go to a teacher or adult, if they persist in following you and saying mean things. Stay calm. Don't let them see weakness."

"Never take the bait. You're a little girl, not a big-mouth bass."

"If someone's trying to assassinate your character, make sure your actions are always above reproach."

"Ignore the obnoxious girls and work on your friendships with the others."

"Watch people. Look for an opportunity to be helpful, even if it's just offering a sharp pencil right after another girl's pencil lead breaks."

"Make eye contact. Smile."

"NEVER say anything mean about another person."

"You can't change other people. You can only change yourself."

Kids aren't stupid. They know who the nice kids are. And people who are absolutely secure in themselves are very attractive to their peers. If you can teach your daughter how to handle these situations now, she'll be better equipped to handle them on her own when she's older and you can't be there.

Good luck!

Wonderful words of wisdom to try to instill in our children!

 

[karenos]

I'm not sure I'm with you on this part. I think that maybe we put too much pressure on kids for everybody to "be friends" with everybody else - civil, yes, we should expect that, but good friends...maybe isn't necessary. If the girls just aren't a match, why make them play together?

ITA. To try to pressure our children to be friends with everybody goes against their natural inclinations. I'm not friends with everybody and there are certain types of people I gravitate toward so why should I tell my children to be friends with all. I emphasize the importance of not being mean or nasty but civil and respectful to others.

karenos

 

[Mermaid02]

I know you meant well- but the other Mom responded exactly like I would have expected. Just try to cultivate other friends and other interests. This will all blow over and dd and Susie will be besties before you know it- that's how little girls operate.

 

[kinntj]

This is just the beginning of the mean girls now.

If problems persist at school then contact the teacher and guidance counselor. Schools are supposed to have a zero tolerance for bullying.

I just had to go through some tough times with my dd8. I emailed her teacher only if she had some tools/suggestions for my dd on how to deal with the harassment she was enduring during recess. I continue to talk to my dd at home about what she needs to do to stick up for herself.

She learns so much about confidence at Tae Kwon Do. I thought the confidence would just be about winning different belt levels, but he talks to them about bullying/picking on kids and how to walk with confidence. It's the best money I've ever spent. I want to thank the mom's on this board who suggested it.

Now in the OP's situation; when you have friends who are disputing (no matter who started it) you have to stay out of it. As a mom, you are suffering far worse than your dd is. Your instinct is to go "you little...". You have to fight that urge to get involved with the other kids or parents and sit down with your dd and talk it out. My dd knows to be friends with many different people, so if her friend decides she no longer wants that friendship, then dd has others to talk to. If your dd learns these lessons now, she'll be equipped for when it gets really bad in middle school and beyond. Just give her the tools she needs to deal with it. That's the best gift you could ever give her. Let her know you're there and will listen for as long as she needs you to.

I learned a great lesson when my youngest was 5 and she wasn't invited to a birthday party, but her other friends in class were. My response was OMG!!! Her response was, who cares. I was so shocked from that and realized that I could have been part of the problem if I pushed it further. Kids feed and learn off of how you respond to such things.

I wish you luck when dealing with your dd during these difficult years.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I never would have called the other parent. I would have simply steered my dd to other friends. You keep saying how the other kid is so mean etc. Maybe the other kid is saying the same thing about your dd to her mother. Kids around their peers are much different than at home. I would have never met with you either if you called me about something so ridiculous. They are children. As long as there is nothing physical going on (or extreme bullying) then I would teach my own child how to handle things. Good luck but I think you made things worse. Stay out of it.

 

[ccgirl]

So DD8 has been having some problems with another girl, let's call her Susie, at school. The girls are in the same brownie troop and share some of the same friends. I have been friendy with Susie's mom.

The problems between DD and Susie seem to have been escalating over the past month or so and they are both starting to pull other girls into it. I have been staying out of it other than to listen to dd and give advice. Last week though Susie told DD she was having a b'day party and DD wasn't invited. I was irritated because, why say anything at all? I emailed Susie's mom and expressed concern over the girls' issues, and told her what Susie said to dd.

She replied with a lot of "Susie said your dd did this and said that and she doesn't like that way dd is treating her." So, feeling forced to defend dd, I responded with what dd said Susie has been doing. The emails on her part started getting a little ugly (I know that everyone has the mother bear instinct so I tried to let it go) so I suggested, since the girls are only 8 and don't have all the problem solving skills they probably need, that the 4 of us get together and let the girls talk it out. She refused and said the girls need to work it out and we can't get involved every time there is a disagreement. Oh and that the other girls involved have opinions too so it doesn't make sense for us to meet. While I agree with we can't solve all their problems, we have never gotten involved and this disagreement seems to be getting worse rather than better. Why not talk it out? Plus I really don't care what the other girls think - this problem is between Susie and dd.

I am getting tired of this mom defending her Snowflake (her dd has a very strong personality and dd doesn't so I do think Susie starts a lot of it) plus I am tired of dd being so upset. Susie's mom is very defensive of her and, among other things, insists Susie didn't say anything to dd about the b'day party. Um, well, dd found out about it and says Susie told her. I don't think dd is going to lie about who told her about the b'day party.

I am started to get really irritated about the things Susie's mom is saying about dd. (Not that I think dd is perfect, but dd is not a mean girl and some of the things Susie is saying DD is saying DD denies and I believe her. Whereas Susie does have a mean streak I guess her mom is in denial about.)

Long story short, is the request that we get together and talk it out unreasonable? I don't want to solve all of dd's problems but she is only 8 and I really want to nip this in the bud before things start getting really ugly between the girls and between the mom and I. I also think they are pretty young to try and solve everything themselves. I'm just trying to help where I can and thought this might help.

Wow! I could have written this myself a few months ago so I will tell you what I did. First of all, what your child says they did is not always what they actually did. Secondly, I would not get involved. You say the other mom is defending her snowflake; isn't that exactly what you are doing?

DD8 is in 2nd grade. Goes to a small school, 1 class per grade. Has been with this same girl since K; also a neighbor. DH and myself have been friends with the other girls parents prior to even having children. Girls were together so much they were practically sisters. Other girl is spoiled beyond belief and really has no boundaries. I noticed a change in DD's behavior after she went over there as she got used to behaving like that. I then had most play dates at my house. In school, other girl is a bully. FOr a while I tried to talk to the mom. She refused to believe her DD did that (even when she was the lunch mom). Other parents told me. I told DD; if it happens in school she is to go to the teacher. One day DD8 did go to the teacher/Principal and there were witnesses. When it came time for DD's bday we were going to the movies and I told her only 5 friends. She decided not to invite the other girl. Her decision. Day before birthday I get a call from other mom why didn't her DD get invited? FIrst of all, this is beyond tacky. Secondly, I told her that my DD felt she is not treated nicely by her DD. She could only have 5 friends so that means 10 other girls were "left out" as well. She told me that her DD said my DD went up to her to tell her she wasn't invited. I told her that didn't sound like my DD and, of course, she said hers would never lie. Notice all the she said and she said?? Anyway, I guess what really happened, as was corroborated by other students, is the other girl went up to my DD and asked who was coming to her party. My DD kept saying she didn't want to talk about it and wasn't suppose to talk about it in school. This other girl kept it up, and kept it up and finally my DD told her who was invited. Apologized to the other girl and said she just couldn't invite everyone. I called the other mom back to let her know what happened and finally her DD admitted she was the one who kept badgering my DD. The other mom then asked me when we could get together as her DD already bought my DD a present. I thought that was strange and a big assumption too. I would never consider buying a specific present without getting an invitation. I do have a gift closet that DD can pick from when she gets invited to a party but I would never go out and buy a present specifically for someone without an invitation.

I know that's a long story but I wanted to show you that there are always two sides of every story. If you were not there; you really don't know what happened. Do not meddle. 8 is old enough to decide who your friends are. If something is happening at school let the teachers and administrators handle it. I told my DD she doesn't have to be friends with everyone but she has to be friendly to them. She still talks to this girl but they no longer have play dates.

Good luck. It's not easy.

 

[Momvic5]

My dd11 started having trouble with a friend too at about that age. I tried to stay out of it, but the little girl that was giving my dd trouble was very mean and sneaky. My dd tends to be a pleaser...she tends to give in too easily and is the one that always bends or compromises. We had many talks on what true friends are, and it took a lot before my dd finally had enough. She would come in the house in tears or holding back tears almost daily due to this girl's attitude and lack of friendship skills. I finally told my dd that she was the one that kept putting herself in the position to be hurt and that she had to be the one to either endure it or put a stop to it. Whatever she chose was fine, but I didn't want anymore tears over it. Two days later, my dd walked in the house and said, "Mom, it is over. We are no longer friends." I asked her what made her come to her conclusion, and she said, "She called me the "B" word, and I told her I was done being her friend." The girls were 9 at the time, and it has been over two years since they have played together. This little girl spread vicious rumors around the neighborhood about my dd, and the hardest part for my dd was when she became isolated out of the neighborhood due to this little girl's rumors about her. It was very hard for both of us to endure, but over time the truth all came out, and my dd restored friendships with all of the neighborhood kids. We are neighbors to this girl and her family, and the girls see eachother everyday. They could be great friends and enjoy many things together, but sometimes kids just can't be friends for whatever reasons. I am proud of my dd for having a limit on what she will endure and for ending the friendship on her terms. My dd11 has since found friends that she truly enjoys. I think you have to guide your dd, but let her figure out what kind of friends she wants and doesn't want. It was very hard at the time, but my dd survived and is stronger person for it.

 

[Mermaid02]

I'd also like to add that when the drama between the girls dissipates (and it will) there is now drama between the Mom's and it won't dissipate NEARLY as quickly or easily.

 

[ols386]

Op, I don't think you should get involved in it, other than listening to your dd talk about it to you at home. I'd let them duke it out (so to speak).

I think it's part of the growing process for children to learn how to handle these type of situations on their own without parental involvement, unless it's a situation that is way out of their league or unless their safety is threatened.

 

[Anjelica]

My daughter is 7 (8 in June) and one of the best things I have done was to pick up the book "Queen Bees and Wannabees". It has great advice on how to help steer your daughter through these upcoming rough years. For your immediate issue - I would stay out of it and let the girls work it out but at the same time be there for your daughter when she needs a hug or some advice.

http://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bees-Wa...4444/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1299512367&sr=8-1

 

[PlutosFriend]

The moms should stay out of it, unless things are getting "loud" or potentially volatile. And at that point mom's only involvement should be to tell their child to stop talking to the other kid.

While I am sure you fancy your DD the innocent party, I have found that it is very rarely like that. It sounds as if she is as guilty as Susie, and the best you can do is to tell your child to avoid Susie completely. Not every child is cut out to be everyone's friend.

OF COURSE the other Mom is going to defend her kid...just like YOU.

I had a student about a year ago who seemed to be a sweet kid. Her mom would go on about how "tender-hearted" her daughter was, and how she just tried to see the best in everyone and be everyone's friend, and sunshine and rainbows...Well it turns out that her daughter was little punk who started all kinds of drama amongst the other girls. Mom rallied for her daughter of course and that's fine. The girl had a BFF who tried to remain neutral between the punk and all the other girls. She told punky that she wasn't going to choose sides and would still be friends with everyone. Naturally this didn't sit too well with the punk...about a week later the BFF received a tremendously nasty email telling her off for being a "bad friend". The email said some truly abhorrent things (even going so far as to tell her that the teacher...that's me...hated the BFF. SO not true). BFF showed the hateful email to her mom who printed itup and drove it over to the punk's house and confronted the mom.

The MOM wrote it! At 2:30 in the morning drunk. No apology from that mother. Just a "So what. I guess our kids arne't friends anymore."

OMG this is just terrible Unfortunately, I think it happens more than we know! I have some friends that have admitted to emailing, or face booking their kids friends to give them a piece of their mind.
4th grade was the turning point for my dd, who is now in 5th, as far as the mean girl thing. My advice to her is to stay away and "you don't want to be friends with kids like that" and "make sure you are being a good friend yourself".
It does seem when Mother's get involved it opens another can of worms, and the Mother's end up in a tiff..and a week later the kids are fine.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, I am with everybody else that you shouldn't get directly involved unless there is some pretty clear 'bullying'.

However, I think your daughter needs to learn NOW how to choose her friends... She needs to learn NOW how to cut ties with toxic people and to simply ignore/avoid/move on as quickly as possible.

My advice with my son has always been "GET UP AND WALK AWAY...."
I have only gotten involved one single time, when I caught another 'aggressive' kid actually taking my son down to the floor from behind, and then on-top-of-him.... Yes, on top of my child. ( all in fun, right..... )

Even then, when I got involved by stating that we were 'pulling back' and my son was instructed to simply stay completely away from the other kid... it didn't end well with the other 'snowflake parent'.

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS: Me again....
Since they are still young, if I thought that you and the other parent might be on the same page about guiding the girls thru this... I might have different advice... But, since this other mother seems to have the emotional maturity of the 8 year olds... again... I would def. not get directly involved.

Talk to your DD.
Are there any other social avenues that you can open up for her???
They won't be in school over the summer....
You can't try to control other people's attitudes and actions..
But, you can take pro-active measures to handle the situation.

 

[ChrisCatino]

I have twin 8 year old boys. DH and I are in a domestic partnership and our children get the usual "***" comments once a week. BUT we stay out of it, we try to teach them to love and accept all human beings. Even though I know it hurts them I know I cannot fight every battle nor should I have to call every parent to defend my sexual preferences. We continue to chant the mantra - this too shall pass.

 

[Praying Colonel]

Funny you called Susie a snowflake.

You stayed out of it until you found out your daughter wasn't invited to the party. I read that and thought Oh no mom is upset because her snowflake isn't going to the party.

I have to admit, I would have had the same response that Susie's mom had. I would not have a meeting with a mom because our kids can't get along. They will work it. If they decide to be friends good, if not good.

You don't have to like or get along with everyone one you come in contact with.

The fact that you called Susie's mom may make things worst.

If Susie is forced to invite your daughter to her party, would you let her go?

Yep--my irony meter was red-lining.

Mom should butt out, IMHO. If she does anything, it should be to teach the lesson that not everyone in life is going to like you.

 

[wenmc]

Deleted

 

[piperdown]

We've been dealing with "girl drama" for a little couple of years now, and I will admit that I did get somewhat involved during a particular issue last spring.

Nothing quite the caliber of OP, but a very polite email asking if the other mother had information has to why a particular "falling out" had occurred, as my DD claimed that she had no idea why BFF suddenly stopped talking to her. The message I sent did not assert my DD's innocence, just wanted to see if she had any information that she was willing pass on that would shed some light on the issue. At any rate, BFF's mom responded very nicely, but basically said that she didn't really get involved with her daughter's friend issues. So I dropped it, and encouraged DD to focus on her positive relationships. I told her that she should let go of this one because there was nothing she could do if the other girl has decided to walk away.

I think what has been the hardest for me is understanding why girls act this way toward one another. Someone on another thread suggested the book "Odd Girl Out", which I am now reading.

I'm only on chapter three, but I find the basic premise very enlightening. Girls are socialized and encouraged to "be nice", basically loving and nurturing. Not a bad thing in my opinion, however, they are not taught open and honest outlets for very normal emotions like anger, especially anger towards people they love and care about. Girls want to maintain the "nice girl" image, so the anger and aggression come out in very subtle and manipulative ways. Relationships are very important to most girls, and the easiest way for one girl to show anger to another is to threaten that girl's relationships through a variety of ways, such as the "silent treatment" or rumor spreading.

I don't know how this information helps a particular situation, but maybe understanding can help us provide support for our daughters.

 

[rie'smom]

OP, I know you thought that you were doing the right thing, however it is best to stay out of it. Look on this as a learning experience for your daughter. The girl drama is just beginning. It will get worse over the years. This is a perfect time for your daughter to start learning how to handle things herself. Listen when she shares with you but tell her that she will have to handle it.

I was the oldest of 5. When I went through this, my mom was too busy to get involved. With my youngest brother though, my mom had time on her hands and needed to feel needed so she would get into his dramas. My brother is now 41 and still runs to my mom to handle things. His first marriage broke up and one reason is because every time he and his wife had an argument, he'd call my mom. She ended up hating his wife and his wife ended up hating my mom. When I say hate, I mean hate, not dislike.

What mom taught my brother is called learned helplessness and it is not a good thing. If you step in basically you're telling your daughter that she is not capable of taking care of her life. At 8 I realize that for most thngs you do need to take care of her but unless things get violent or escalate a great deal in the drama situation, you're doing her a better favor by staying out of it.