Don't lknow what to do about my husbands family....vent long!

[sbsteel]

When I was married I had a girlfriend who told me she wasn't comfortable with being in my wedding, she wasn't comfortable spending the money nor was she comfortable being in the "show".....I never felt she didn't care about me. thats silly. I would never out that much pressure on the people I love.

But she then didn't book a vacation with comperable costs to the event she just declined due to financial reasons, did she?

 

[imthatgirl]

Because you gave the reason of "too much money", it's easy (especially for the brides) to link these two seemingly unrelated events. Again, an honest discussion about the expense of both weddings at the time the second one was announced could have resulted in a compromise that would have worked for you financially, and made both sisters happy.

There are a lot of ways this could have worked out, but I think that the honest truth is that some people, you included, don't place a priority on family obligations. That's your right, and I get that every family is different, but it seems a little off to some of the rest of us who do place family first. If one of my sisters needs/wants me to be there for something, I'm there, and I know that they would do the same for me. Not all families work that way, I know. In your case, if the sister wasn't upset, we would never be having this discussion. However, she obviously is upset by your decision, and you have to live with how your actions make her feel.

This is less about money or cancelling a trip than about respecting the fact that your decision has hurt a family member. Stick by your plans, by all means, but try to be sensitive, not defensive, while you do.

It is too much money. I would love to buy a camper...it's too much money. I have the money but it's not what I want to spend my money on. do I still buy other things...of course I do. Just because you think one thing is too much money doesn't mean you never spend money again.

I also don't feel that I need to spend a lot of money to show someone they are important to me. To equate importance with money is walking down a slippery road....you may find yourself always dissappointed.

 

[imthatgirl]

But she then didn't book a vacation with comperable costs to the event she just declined due to financial reasons, did she?

You know she may have...I honestly didn't follow her finances after that. It really didn't matter, it's wasn't my choice.

 

[BlondeAlligator]

I just don't see it. If a family member is there for you, takes your child on vacations, watches your kids, participates in family events, all that is negated because they aren't in your wedding? It's very presumptuous and rude to assume the amount they are spending for a family vacation would be the same amount of money spent on being in a wedding. You don't know. As a family member it's not your business to know.

They are going to be at the wedding! They will be there. What is the point of being bent out of shape over it? The focus should not be on what the OP's family is doing. That's crazy!

But the focus IS on what the OP's family is doing becasue their decision has hurt another family member. I am simply responding to what the OP originally said. Yes, they are going to the wedding, but they were asked to stand up for the bride, which is a special honor and a big deal to most people. They turned down this honor for financial reasons, and now that they are taking a vacation, the bride's feeling are hurt. No matter what the vacation costs (and no one said the bride had a right to know the exact amount, BTW), it's not a stretch to assume that it's enough that it might have offset the wedding costs so that the DH could participate in his sisters weddings. It appears that no attempt was made to talk to the brides about how they could participate on a budget that would work for them, either. If it weren't important to the brides for them to be in the wedding, they never would have asked in the first place.

Again, this is less about money than about being considerate of other people's feelings. I have never said that the OP should have done anything differently. I have told the OP time and time again that I hope she has a nice vacation. But I have also just tried to point out WHY the sister is probably upset, and attempted to shed some light on the point of view of compassion for other people's feelings.

 

[BlondeAlligator]

I also don't feel that I need to spend a lot of money to show someone they are important to me. To equate importance with money is walking down a slippery road....you may find yourself always dissappointed.

You might not have had to spend a lot of money to participate in the weddings. Did you try to talk to both brides and work something out like me and other previous posters suggested?

I do not equate importance with money spent...however, I do place a priority on my family and their feelings. You keep going around and around about the money, and your right to spend it the way you want, and you're right. You can spend it any way you want. I have no problem with your decision to manage your finances however you see fit...I do have a problem with your lack of consideration for DH's sister's feelings and how defensive you are. This whole thing only came up because you posted about how she was upset; you have not seemed to care, but rather only try to justify your decision over and over.

The slippery road is the one walked by people who only ever put their own feelings first.

 

[OceanAnnie]

But the focus IS on what the OP's family is doing becasue their decision has hurt another family member. I am simply responding to what the OP originally said. Yes, they are going to the wedding, but they were asked to stand up for the bride, which is a special honor and a big deal to most people. They turned down this honor for financial reasons, and now that they are taking a vacation, the bride's feeling are hurt. No matter what the vacation costs (and no one said the bride had a right to know the exact amount, BTW), it's not a stretch to assume that it's enough that it might have offset the wedding costs so that the DH could participate in his sisters weddings. It appears that no attempt was made to talk to the brides about how they could participate on a budget that would work for them, either. If it weren't important to the brides for them to be in the wedding, they never would have asked in the first place.

Again, this is less about money than about being considerate of other people's feelings. I have never said that the OP should have done anything differently. I have told the OP time and time again that I hope she has a nice vacation. But I have also just tried to point out WHY the sister is probably upset, and attempted to shed some light on the point of view of compassion for other people's feelings.

I'll agree to disagree with you. IMO the brides are choosing to be hurt over an issue that is really small in the scheme of things. As I stated, the OP's family has been there for the brides in the past. That should not be negated because they chose not to spend money on two weddings. It is about the money, ultimately. What isn't being spent on the weddings and what is being spent on the vacation. Sad!

Two weddings is a lot of money. How much it happens to be in relation to a family vacation should not be debated. It's just rude! Two brides in the same family, having weddings in the same year should know expenses do come into play. One family vacation should not be scrutinized to equal the amount of money it would cost to be in two weddings. You just don't know. It isn't fair to put that kind of pressure on family. I wouldn't do it. But that is just me.

They will be in attendance for both. That should matter.

 

[robinb]

Because you gave the reason of "too much money", it's easy (especially for the brides) to link these two seemingly unrelated events.

The OP said "It's too much money to be in two weddings" but I would bet dollars to donuts that the SILs understood the OP to say: "We can't afford two weddings". The OP may argue the semantics of exactly what she said and what she meant and how it's not her fault that the SILs misunderstood her until the cows come home. However now that the OP has booked her yearly vacation, it is abundantly clear to her husband's entire family what she meant. And what she meant, which translates to the brides as: "Thank you for the honor of asking me to be in your wedding but your special day is not special enough to me.", was (IMO) selfish and hurtful. Even on it's own without the added vacation. The added vacation just makes things crystal clear to everyone involved.

I have been on the DIS a very, very long time but I am still shocked at the sanctity of the Disney Vacation over everything else. Family be damned! I'm going to Disney World!

 

[imthatgirl]

You might not have had to spend a lot of money to partici[ate in the weddings. Did you try to talk to both brides and work something out like me and other previous posters suggested?

I do not equate importance with money spent...however, I do place a priority on my family and their feelings. You keep going around and around about the money, and your right to spend it the way you want, and you're right. You can spend it any way you want. I have no problem with your decision to manage your finances however you see fit...I do have a problem with your lack of consideration for DH's sister's feelings and how defensive you are. This whole thing only came up because you posted about how she was upset; you have not seemed to care, but rather only try to justify your decision over and over.

The slippery road is the one walked by people who only ever put there own feelings first.

Of course I talked to them about maybe getting less expensive dresses or somehting to lessen the cost for us. They weren't interested. My daughters dress alone would ahve been $220 plus almost $180 in alterations.
these are things I DO NOT want to spend this much money on. I don;t feel they showed any consideration for the people doing these things for them when they decided to get married in the same year...and expect so much.
I don;t see how me telling them I don;t want to be in the weddings is showing them no concideration. Again...I am not obligated to do these things.

 

[BlondeAlligator]

The OP said "It's too much money to be in two weddings" but I would bet dollars to donuts that the SILs understood the OP to say: "We can't afford two weddings". The OP may argue the semantics of exactly what she said and what she meant and how it's not her fault that the SILs misunderstood her until the cows come home. However now that the OP has booked her yearly vacation, it is abundantly clear to her husband's entire family what she meant. And what she meant, which translates to the brides as: "Thank you for the honor of asking me to be in your wedding but your special day is not special enough to me.", was (IMO) selfish and hurtful. Even on it's own without the added vacation. The added vacation just makes things crystal clear to everyone involved.

I have been on the DIS a very, very long time but I am still shocked at the sanctity of the Disney Vacation over everything else. Family be damned! I'm going to Disney World!

Thank you!!! Someone else who sees that family should come first!!!

 

[robinb]

Thank you!!! Someone else who sees that family should come first!!!

Yes, and sometimes it really puts a crimp in my vacation plans. We go to WDW every year in August for my DD's birthday, our anniversary and Free Dining. In 2008 I booked Free Dining Bounce Back rate for 2009. I was stoked! No waiting for free dining to be announced. Then ... we got the invitation for my nephew's Bar Mitzvah in mid-August. Kids only turn 13 once and I wouldn't miss it for the world. We were honored to be included in the program and I gladly participated even though I am an atheist. So, I gave up my Disney vacation for a religious event. If you knew me you would understand how funny that really is .

And you know what? WDW will still be there THIS August and I just booked a week of Free Dining for my DD's 11th birthday and our anniversary.

 

[BlondeAlligator]

Of course I talked to them about maybe getting less expensive dresses or somehting to lessen the cost for us. They weren't interested. My daughters dress alone would ahve been $220 plus almost $180 in alterations.
these are things I DO NOT want to spend this much money on. I don;t feel they showed any consideration for the people doing these things for them when they decided to get married in the same year...and expect so much.
I don;t see how me telling them I don;t want to be in the weddings is showing them no concideration. Again...I am not obligated to do these things.

Telling them that you don't want to spend the money to be in the weddings wasn't the problem. Of course that's your right; of course you are not obligated (as I have said before...). But it's their right to be hurt by your decision, especially when you turn around and take a vacation instead. Being there for your family means sometimes making sacrifices, like spending money on that hideous bridesmaid dress you'll never wear again, simply because it's important to them.

The consideration I speak of comes in when you acknowledge that your decision has hurt another person, stop being defensive, and put yourself in the bride's shoes. Not once that I know of (please correct me if I'm wrong) have you said anything like "I feel really bad for how this has made her feel."

 

[imthatgirl]

Telling them that you don't want to spend the money to be in the weddings wasn't the problem. Of course that's your right; of course you are not obligated (as I have said before...). But it's their right to be hurt by your decision, especially when you turn around and take a vacation instead. Being there for your family means sometimes making sacrifices, like spending money on that hideous bridesmaid dress you'll never wear again, simply because it's important to them.

The consideration I speak of comes in when you acknowledge that your decision has hurt another person, stop being defensive, and put yourself in the bride's shoes. Not once that I know of (please correct me if I'm wrong) have you said anything like "I feel really bad for how this has made her feel."

I don't know why I have to keep repeating myself to you...I am not taking a vacation "instead" of being in the weddings. I a not being in the weddings because they are too close together. Had one of them waited a year or so of course I would be in both. I am not spending that much money on the weddings in the same year.

I don't know why you assume you know how our conversations went. You weren't there. Of course I was and am sensitive to their feelings. You say I have not taken their feelings into consideration....again you weren't there. Why assume so much? I can speak frankly on here because this is the internet....not reality.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

The OP said "It's too much money to be in two weddings" but I would bet dollars to donuts that the SILs understood the OP to say: "We can't afford two weddings". The OP may argue the semantics of exactly what she said and what she meant and how it's not her fault that the SILs misunderstood her until the cows come home. However now that the OP has booked her yearly vacation, it is abundantly clear to her husband's entire family what she meant. And what she meant, which translates to the brides as: "Thank you for the honor of asking me to be in your wedding but your special day is not special enough to me.", was (IMO) selfish and hurtful. Even on it's own without the added vacation. The added vacation just makes things crystal clear to everyone involved.

I have been on the DIS a very, very long time but I am still shocked at the sanctity of the Disney Vacation over everything else. Family be damned! I'm going to Disney World!

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

OP- Do whatever you want. Of course you don't owe anyone else an explanation. However- do not be shocked and annoyed because you hurt someone's feelings. IMO what you did was very hurtful and no- I would not just get over it if it was my sister or brother. Keep in mind that you have drawn the line in the sand and they will not forget it. To you it is a waste of money to be in their wedding- to them it is a very important day. As for your analogy about your friend that is not the same. She is a friend. Not a sibling. There is no comparison. Again- do what you want but be prepared for the fallout from it. I don't blame his family one bit if they are hurt and/or angry/annoyed about the whole thing. I also do not believe that it is $180 to alter a flower girl dress. I have been in weddings and so have my kids. It doesn't cost that much to alter a child's dress and I live on Long Island- the wedding capital of the east coast.
I also do not get how you can say that you are not close with them yet you watch their child 40 hours a week. That boggles my mind.

 

[imthatgirl]

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

OP- Do whatever you want. Of course you don't owe anyone else an explanation. However- do not be shocked and annoyed because you hurt someone's feelings. IMO what you did was very hurtful and no- I would not just get over it if it was my sister or brother. Keep in mind that you have drawn the line in the sand and they will not forget it. To you it is a waste of money to be in their wedding- to them it is a very important day. As for your analogy about your friend that is not the same. She is a friend. Not a sibling. There is no comparison. Again- do what you want but be prepared for the fallout from it. I don't blame his family one bit if they are hurt and/or angry/annoyed about the whole thing. I also do not believe that it is $180 to alter a flower girl dress. I have been in weddings and so have my kids. It doesn't cost that much to alter a child's dress and I live on Long Island- the wedding capital of the east coast.
I also do not get how you can say that you are not close with them yet you watch their child 40 hours a week. That boggles my mind.

Feelings get hurt everyday.
Yes it will cost 180 to alter her dress. she is not a flower girl, lol. She's 9. She would have been a junior bridesmaid. So to get the dress down to her size would mean almost completely making the dress over.
I am not close to either one of them...I do watch one of their children, but I don;t see how that makes us close. We don't share secrets or go out for lunch...she just drops her kid off here. ...but, . She is the first one getting married (in 2 weeks btw) and the one that understand a that both weddings wold be too much. It's the other the sister thats getting married in Novemeber who can not see beyond her wants.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Feelings get hurt everyday.
Yes it will cost 180 to alter her dress. she is not a flower girl, lol. She's 9. She would have been a junior bridesmaid. So to get the dress down to her size would mean almost completely making the dress over.
I am close to either one of them...I do watch one of their children, but I don;t see how that makes us close. We don't share secrets or go out for lunch...she just drops her kid off here. ...but, . She is the first one getting married (in 2 weeks btw) and the one that understand a that both weddings wold be too much. It's the other the sister thats getting married in Novemeber who can not see beyond her wants.

Wow. That sure does speak volumes. I wish you the best.

 

[imthatgirl]

Wow. That sure does speak volumes. I wish you the best.

Speaks volumes about what? Peoples feelings do get hurt everyday....that doesn't mean you need to live your life doing everything just so as to not hurt other peoples feelings. You would never have your own life. I don't feel she is justified in being hurt. I don;t want to be in the wedding...so I'm not going to be in it. I do get a say in what I do.

 

[persimmondeb]

Of course family comes first, but that really doesn't equate to feeling obligated to be in a wedding. Being an attendant is both an HONOR and a RESPONSIBILITY. No bride should feel insulted if someone does not feel up to fulfilling that responsibility, for whatever reasons of their own.

If the OP doesn't want to spend her money in this fashion, it's really her own business (and I can well understand thinking that $400 spent on an evening gown cut down for a nine-year-old was a ridiculous way to spend money even if it did make the bride happy). Hopefully her SIL will get over it, particularily after the wedding is over and the dust has settled.

 

[BlondeAlligator]

I don't know why I have to keep repeating myself to you...I am not taking a vacation "instead" of being in the weddings. I a not being in the weddings because they are too close together. Had one of them waited a year or so of course I would be in both. I am not spending that much money on the weddings in the same year.

I don't know why you assume you know how our conversations went. You weren't there. Of course I was and am sensitive to their feelings. You say I have not taken their feelings into consideration....again you weren't there. Why assume so much? I can speak frankly on here because this is the internet....not reality.

I never assumed to know how your conversations went. I was speaking strictly of the posts you have made here. Obviously I wasn't there for your conversations. All I have to go on is what you say here, and your posts have seemed very defensive, not sensitive. It has seemed to me as though you just cannot see how your decision has hurt your SIL.

You aren't in the weddings because you "are not spending that much money on weddings in the same year." You are spending money on a vacation. If you skipped the vacation just this once, you could possibly make it work so you could be in both weddings. This is how the brides probably see things. There are those of us here who would have made the choice to skip the trip, and placed the honor of being in the weddings above our own vacation for one year. You chose not to, and that's fine. If you aren't bothered by how that makes the SIL feel, that's fine, too. But all I'm saying is that if it does bother you that you hurt her feelings (even if you don't agree with her reasoning), it hasn't come across here.

I'm not trying to convince you to do anything differently, or assume that I know everything about your situation (that's why I said to "correct me if I'm wrong"). I am just curious and perplexed by your posts...it's perfectly OK to make a decision that you feel is right and stand by it, but when that decision is hurtful to another person, it's important to acknowledge that as well.

People see things differently...you and I do...you and your SIL do...the important thing is to be respectful, even when you cannot understand where another person is coming from. That is why I am going to say again, good luck with your family, I hope that no one holds a grudge, and have a wonderful time in the World!

 

[imthatgirl]

Of course family comes first, but that really doesn't equate to feeling obligated to be in a wedding. Being an attendant is both an HONOR and a RESPONSIBILITY. No bride should feel insulted if someone does not feel up to fulfilling that responsibility, for whatever reasons of their own.

If the OP doesn't want to spend her money in this fashion, it's really her own business (and I can well understand thinking that $400 spent on an evening gown cut down for a nine-year-old was a ridiculous way to spend money even if it did make the bride happy). Hopefully her SIL will get over it, particularily after the wedding is over and the dust has settled.

Thank you! Yes it is a huge responsibility. There is a lot of time involved, not just money. To do that twice in one year, is just more then I want to do.

I'm sure the next time we choose to take them all to WDW they will have gotten over it pretty quick

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

There's nothing wrong in spending some QT with your family. You guys obviously could use the pick-up otherwise you wouldn't go on a whim.

Tell the family sorry, but you need to focus on you guys for a trip, and that many more family trips will be there in the future.

As for the weddings, I don't really blame you... I hate going to weddings (unless there is an open bar )!