Don't lknow what to do about my husbands family....vent long!

[Sara*s_Mommie]

I probably really don't have anything to add but here goes (I didn't read all the posts)...

Since you said that you go take a Disney trip every year, it would seem to me that those costs are normal, annual expenses. Being in 2 wedding parties is what's "extra", not the vacation. It would seem to me like by saying you shouldn't spend $ on your regular annual vacation and spend it on the weddings would be the same as asking you to reduce/eliminate any other standard cost you have and spend it on the weddings - like foregoing all Starbucks for a year and instead spend it on the wedding.

As for taking/inviting/including any of the others, I would just say "We're taking our annual trip to Disney on (dates). If anyone else is going those dates, we'll gladly meet up for dinner one night". To think you should plan, pay, include, etc for anyone else is absurd - however, disney is open to anyone who chooses to go.

 

[design_mom]

I agree that if you told them that it was a matter of how to choose to spend your money, you are in the clear. However, you might have said "I can't be in your wedding because I don't want to spend the money." but the bride might have heard "I'd love to be in your wedding but I can't afford it." You are right -- they are different, but it could be easy to "hear" the other.

 

[imthatgirl]

I probably really don't have anything to add but here goes (I didn't read all the posts)...

Since you said that you go take a Disney trip every year, it would seem to me that those costs are normal, annual expenses. Being in 2 wedding parties is what's "extra", not the vacation. It would seem to me like by saying you shouldn't spend $ on your regular annual vacation and spend it on the weddings would be the same as asking you to reduce/eliminate any other standard cost you have and spend it on the weddings - like foregoing all Starbucks for a year and instead spend it on the wedding.

As for taking/inviting/including any of the others, I would just say "We're taking our annual trip to Disney on (dates). If anyone else is going those dates, we'll gladly meet up for dinner one night". To think you should plan, pay, include, etc for anyone else is absurd - however, disney is open to anyone who chooses to go.

EXACTLY!!! Thank you for this insight! We don't always take our vacation in Disney...but we do often

 

[crisi]

People need to realize that they have no claim on other people's time or money.

That should be a bumper sticker. Maybe a cross stitch sampler. If we could all get our heads around that, we'd be more gracious when we are gifted with other people's time or money and there would be fewer hard feelings when we weren't.

 

[BlondeAlligator]

)...

Since you said that you go take a Disney trip every year, it would seem to me that those costs are normal, annual expenses. Being in 2 wedding parties is what's "extra", not the vacation. It would seem to me like by saying you shouldn't spend $ on your regular annual vacation and spend it on the weddings would be the same as asking you to reduce/eliminate any other standard cost you have and spend it on the weddings - like foregoing all Starbucks for a year and instead spend it on the wedding.

.

I guess my thinking is that when a family member has a very special, once in a lifetime event, it would mean a lot to shift priorities and modify the budget for just one year. I understand that 2 weddings is a lot, but I still feel that family comes first, and there might have been a way to compromise and be in both. Is it really so unreasonable to give up something that is not en essential expense in order to support one's family? Vacations and Starbucks are not essentials. Sometimes you just have to "take one for the team" and be there for your family.

Not every bride expects the wedding party to fork out a ton of money, especially if those asked to participate are open about the financial concerns from the beginning. Maybe the sisters wouldn't have demanded professional hair & make-up...you'll be getting a gift & travelling anyhow...someone else could certainly throw the shower...my SIL wanted everyone in the wedding party to have their hair/make-up/nails done and I just said no, I could not afford the money as I was out of work when she got married. I did everything myself and looked just as nice as the other girls, and my SIL didn't even care or notice once her big day arrived & all the attention was on her.

Again, I'm not saying that the vacation plans should be changed or cancelled, just that the OP should be patient with the brides. No one is "making a claim" on the OP's money, but being asked to participate in a wedding is a big deal. To be turned down for financial reasons and then watch those people turn around and go on an expensive vacation (and WDW is expensive) might be hurtful. It does seem a little sad to me that people don't seem willing to make a sacrifice for their families for such a special occassion.

 

[Taja]

Definitely understand!

However, I gave myself permission many years ago (early 20s) to not do some things just because they are important to other people--and that includes weddings. Thankfully, my ex agreed with me, so we presented a united front.

Will you hurt the feelings of the brides if you don't attend their weddings? Probably. But you and your DH are a family unit and have your own interests where you choose to direct your funds. Spending money on clothing you never will wear again and activities that don't interest you is your choice, not theirs.

If you were choosing one wedding over the other, that would be cause for lack of family harmony. But choosing to take a vacation of your choice rather than spend money to participate in their weddings...???

And there is absolutely no reason why your DH's younger sister has to join you on every vacation--whether it is at your expense or not. As I said before, you and your DH are a family and need to address your own interests and begin your traditions. Are you likely to include her and other family members in future plans? Probably. But sometimes you just need to be a couple/family without the needs and wants of others to influence you.

Explaining this will be difficult and both you and your DH need to be on the same page--no waffling allowed! In time, other family members will begin to understand your viewpoint as their lives change and they begin their own families and traditions. And, hopefully, you and your DH won't rub it in!

 

[chloelovesdisney]

You have every right to vacation with your family, and I think your SIL's have every right to expect their brother to agree to be in their weddings. I would never had said no to my brother or sister, it would not have even been a consideration. I would make the money available to participate. I could see you saying no, but not your dh.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I guess I will be the disenter here. I think you are totally wrong. While I think vacation is a priority- I think a sibling's wedding takes priority over that. You have made it very clear that you don't really like them with your posts how you are not close to them and don't want to spend the money on their weddings. Sorry- they are still your dh's sisters. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do the right thing. It's not like they are going to get married every year. It doesn't matter how you phrased it- you basically won't be in their wedding because you don't want to spend the money but you will take a vacation and you have the money for that. No matter how you twist it there will be hurt feelings in the family. I can assure you that they will not forget and to be honest neither would I or anyone else I know. Since you are also his wife they will be blaming you for it. Yes- they will know he made the decision with you but in the end they will blame you because "their brother would never do such a thing." I have seen similiar things happen in families and that is usually the route these things take.

Of course you should do what you think is best but since you asked for opinions I will tell you that I think it is wrong and you should be in the weddings and chalk it up to family obligations. YMMV.

 

[imthatgirl]

I guess I will be the disenter here. I think you are totally wrong. While I think vacation is a priority- I think a sibling's wedding takes priority over that. You have made it very clear that you don't really like them with your posts how you are not close to them and don't want to spend the money on their weddings. Sorry- they are still your dh's sisters. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do the right thing. It's not like they are going to get married every year. It doesn't matter how you phrased it- you basically won't be in their wedding because you don't want to spend the money but you will take a vacation and you have the money for that. No matter how you twist it there will be hurt feelings in the family. I can assure you that they will not forget and to be honest neither would I or anyone else I know. Since you are also his wife they will be blaming you for it. Yes- they will know he made the decision with you but in the end they will blame you because "their brother would never do such a thing." I have seen similiar things happen in families and that is usually the route these things take.

Of course you should do what you think is best but since you asked for opinions I will tell you that I think it is wrong and you should be in the weddings and chalk it up to family obligations. YMMV.

Well I don't think I even implied I didn't like them. I like them very much. In fact I like one of them so much I watch her 18mo daughter 40 hours a week for nothing more then hugs and kisses. If I "didn't like her" I would certainly charge her.

I'm sorry but I just don't feel that my time and money is "obligated" to anyone. Thats just not the way I live. Well except when it comes to my own kids. I think a wedding is a time to have the people closest to you stand up next to you to support you....not just random family members to fill space. Possibly if we were closer then I would feel differently.

Oh well. Of course not everyone will agree with me. Thats life. I just know in my life what IS important to me and being IN their weddings is not. However being AT their weddings is very much...so that is what I will be doing.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I have read all of your posts and I agree with you 100% Doing what is right for you and your family. I would much rather spend money on my vacation instead of being in someone's wedding. I think you have handled it well, go and enjoy your vacation.

I agree. You guys are going to the weddings! You will be there to support them. I'm sure you will give them both a nice gift. I don't see the problem. Surely the sisters have made other arrangements and it should be a done deal. Why back track and say petty things to make you feel bad about a family vacation? Do they think you should not have a family vacation to accommodate them? Now that is a little bit much.

Life is too short for that crazy stuff.

ETA- I'd pretend I didn't get wind of any of it. I can't imagine they'd speak directly to you about it.

 

[Sara*s_Mommie]

Well I don't think I even implied I didn't like them. I like them very much. In fact I like one of them so much I watch her 18mo daughter 40 hours a week for nothing more then hugs and kisses. QUOTE]

Oh my - the story get's better and better...she has an 18 month old and is having a wedding that includes attendants???? Besides thinking that weddings are too over the top these days, I am a traditionalist and do not agree with a big-shing dig when one hasn't kept themself pure (and yes, to me that means not having sex, not living with your boy/girlfriend, not having a child before marriage etc.). I would not even attend anything more than a civil type ceremony. While I am probably in the minority, I believe that choices we make in life have consequences, sometimes ones we don't like/want (in my house, she would have blown any financial contribution to a wedding after having a child out of wedlock)...these days everyone want to have their cake and eat it to. I'd be taking a moral stand on this sister's wedding.

 

[robinb]

I guess I will be the disenter here. I think you are totally wrong. While I think vacation is a priority- I think a sibling's wedding takes priority over that. You have made it very clear that you don't really like them with your posts how you are not close to them and don't want to spend the money on their weddings. Sorry- they are still your dh's sisters. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do the right thing. It's not like they are going to get married every year. It doesn't matter how you phrased it- you basically won't be in their wedding because you don't want to spend the money but you will take a vacation and you have the money for that. No matter how you twist it there will be hurt feelings in the family. I can assure you that they will not forget and to be honest neither would I or anyone else I know. Since you are also his wife they will be blaming you for it. Yes- they will know he made the decision with you but in the end they will blame you because "their brother would never do such a thing." I have seen similiar things happen in families and that is usually the route these things take.

Of course you should do what you think is best but since you asked for opinions I will tell you that I think it is wrong and you should be in the weddings and chalk it up to family obligations. YMMV.

ITA with you.

Of course the OP is allowed to spend her money any way she wishes but there are bound to be hurt feelings when she chooses to spend the money on a fun vacation instead of standing up in the weddings. The fact that she says she can actually afford to spend the money to be in both weddings but doesn't want to spend the money is even worse. What a slap in the face! Sorry OP, you'll get no sympathy from me.

 

[steph73]

I guess I will be the disenter here. I think you are totally wrong. While I think vacation is a priority- I think a sibling's wedding takes priority over that. You have made it very clear that you don't really like them with your posts how you are not close to them and don't want to spend the money on their weddings. Sorry- they are still your dh's sisters. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do the right thing. It's not like they are going to get married every year. It doesn't matter how you phrased it- you basically won't be in their wedding because you don't want to spend the money but you will take a vacation and you have the money for that. No matter how you twist it there will be hurt feelings in the family. I can assure you that they will not forget and to be honest neither would I or anyone else I know. Since you are also his wife they will be blaming you for it. Yes- they will know he made the decision with you but in the end they will blame you because "their brother would never do such a thing." I have seen similiar things happen in families and that is usually the route these things take.

Of course you should do what you think is best but since you asked for opinions I will tell you that I think it is wrong and you should be in the weddings and chalk it up to family obligations. YMMV.

I have to say that I agree. These types of things are NEVER forgotten in families, ever. 20 years from now they will still remember that their brother and his family said they couldn't afford to be in their weddings but took a last minute vacation. Trust me on this, it will never go away and it will fester and linger.

In the end, of course, it's up to you what to do. But if you're asking for opinions, that's mine. These types of things can drive rifts in families. The weddings are a once in a lifetime occurrence. WDW will always be there.

 

[disykat]

I wouldn't spend thousands of dollars to be in anyone's wedding, not even my own! Just because someone else, even family, wants a blow out wedding doesn't mean you have to spend big bucks. I'm guessing my wedding would cost about the same now that the OP would have had to spend on being in her families weddings - and that INCLUDED buying the clothing FOR our two attendents.

 

[PinkRhombus]

Again, these aren't my siblings.....and we will be going to the weddings.

You said "we can't" be in their wedding. Did they also ask your husband and child(ren)?

I don't know...sounds you had a good reason at the time, then this vacation presented itself. Not wanting to spend the money is different than how you originally stated it as you "didn't have the money" for two weddings. Telling them no and then doing the vacation kind of ruined the legitimacy of your reason in their eyes.

In our family, it doesn't matter if you're not close. If you're immediate family, by blood or marriage, you have a role in the weddings.

 

[bwilcox]

Well I don't think I even implied I didn't like them. I like them very much. In fact I like one of them so much I watch her 18mo daughter 40 hours a week for nothing more then hugs and kisses. If I "didn't like her" I would certainly charge her.

I'm sorry but I just don't feel that my time and money is "obligated" to anyone. Thats just not the way I live. Well except when it comes to my own kids. I think a wedding is a time to have the people closest to you stand up next to you to support you....not just random family members to fill space. Possibly if we were closer then I would feel differently.

Oh well. Of course not everyone will agree with me. Thats life. I just know in my life what IS important to me and being IN their weddings is not. However being AT their weddings is very much...so that is what I will be doing.

You watch her daughter for 40 hours a week, she is your husband's sister, and yet you consider yourself a "random family member?"
I agree that you need to set boundaries on your family vacations. I don't agree in prioritizing a last-minute vacation over family members' weddings. There will be many more opportunities to take family vacations, but your SILs will (hopefully) only be married once.

 

[badblackpug]

I guess I will be the disenter here. I think you are totally wrong. While I think vacation is a priority- I think a sibling's wedding takes priority over that. You have made it very clear that you don't really like them with your posts how you are not close to them and don't want to spend the money on their weddings. Sorry- they are still your dh's sisters. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do the right thing. It's not like they are going to get married every year. It doesn't matter how you phrased it- you basically won't be in their wedding because you don't want to spend the money but you will take a vacation and you have the money for that. No matter how you twist it there will be hurt feelings in the family. I can assure you that they will not forget and to be honest neither would I or anyone else I know. Since you are also his wife they will be blaming you for it. Yes- they will know he made the decision with you but in the end they will blame you because "their brother would never do such a thing." I have seen similiar things happen in families and that is usually the route these things take.

Of course you should do what you think is best but since you asked for opinions I will tell you that I think it is wrong and you should be in the weddings and chalk it up to family obligations. YMMV.

While it was probably not the most sensitive thing to do, and I agree, it will probably be a family issue for years to come, and the OP will more than likely take the blame, being the wife and not the sibling, if her husband was in agreement then she was more than within her rights to do so. Again, using the excuse that they didn't have the money for the weddings and then planning a last minute, expensive trip, was a bit on the tacky side, but there is nothing that obligates a person to be in a wedding just because they were asked. Had it been me, I probably would have sucked it up and been in the weddings and gone on the trip, but I don't think that the Op was obligated to do so. It probably would have been better all around just to say. "We really prefer not to be in the wedding we would rather just attend as guests and celebrate with you." That way there wouldn't have been mixed messages about whether or not they could afford to be in the wedding, but that would have caused hurt feelings, too.
Again, it wasn't the most sensitive thing, but the OP and her family are under no obligation to participate just because they were asked.

 

[cherjp]

Sorry if this sounds cheeky but is it an american thing to have to pay your own way if you are part of the wedding party? In Scotland if you are asked to be part of the wedding party then the brides family or bride and groom in more modern situations usually foot the bill for the entire occasion.
As a guest of the wedding then I know it can cost a lot if you wish a new outfit, pressie etc.
I still think the OP is right and shouldnt worry , and I dont think the bride with the child should be having such a big do either.
As I said before you cant choose your family.............

 

[PrincessBree]

I am so glad weddings are not a big deal around here and in my family. Something small and simple and for the food the wedding party brings covered dishes at the rehearsal only. Day of the wedding you will have cake, punch, nuts, and mints. Most people whole wedding on cost a couple thousand. That being said, I am sure people will consider me selfish, but i wouldn't spend thousands or even hundreds on any ones wedding, didn't even my own. I will attend weddings, but have only been in a couple and politely refuse now, yes even my sister and brother. Being in a wedding is so much more than just being there on that day and spending the money, it can be very time consuming. I would NOT under any circumstances cancel my family vacation so spend the money on someone else special day. I am all about family, but I am about my family first and making us happy. I went a long time doing everything everyone else wanted and not what we wanted, I begin to be unhappy and realized I had to make myself and my family happy before I could make anyone else happy. So I say go on your vacation, it is your money and you work hard for it, attend the weddings, give your gifts and cangrats, explain to lil' sis that sometimes you need "family time" only and don't feel quiltey for a second.

 

[RadioFanatic]

ITA with you.

Of course the OP is allowed to spend her money any way she wishes but there are bound to be hurt feelings when she chooses to spend the money on a fun vacation instead of standing up in the weddings. The fact that she says she can actually afford to spend the money to be in both weddings but doesn't want to spend the money is even worse. What a slap in the face! Sorry OP, you'll get no sympathy from me.

I'm another one who thinks OP is in the wrong. I've been in my sister's wedding - both of them. Did I want to? No, especially not the first one. Did I want to spend money on ugly dresses? No, but I did it because she is my sister and needed my support. I understand OP not being in the wedding, but if dh was asked, he should have been. The family is understandably going to be hurt.