Don't lknow what to do about my husbands family....vent long!

[mjkacmom]

Maybe when the second wedding came about, the OP could've dropped out, but her DH and dd could've still been in the wedding. A couple of tux rentals and a dress wouldn't break the bank. When I got married, my bridesmaids paid for their dresses (they picked them out, and were less than $100), and made food for my shower - that's it. I bought them earings to wear. They did their own hair and makeup. I bought the flower girl dress for my niece, because they were flying in from Hawaii.

 

[RadioFanatic]

Maybe when the second wedding came about, the OP could've dropped out, but her DH and dd could've still been in the wedding. A couple of tux rentals and a dress wouldn't break the bank. When I got married, my bridesmaids paid for their dresses (they picked them out, and were less than $100), and made food for my shower - that's it. I bought them earings to wear. They did their own hair and makeup. I bought the flower girl dress for my niece, because they were flying in from Hawaii.

My cousin's twin boys were ring bearers in our wedding - that was their gift to us -which we appreciate more than any other.

 

[kamik86]

I got married a little over a year ago. My nieces were all in my wedding and it would have hurt if either of my sisters didn't let them for money reasons. One sister kept complaining about it because her two daughters were in the wedding one of her girls dress cost $130 (bridesmaid) the other I don't know she wouldn't let me pick it because she insisted on waiting till the last minute, I honestly wasn't sure if her daughter would be a flower girl for a while since she kept putting off getting the dress. Even this much drama was hurtful because this is the sister that always has money for things she wants to do and new cars etc etc. Oh and there was no shower for them to spend money on, I paid for their hair and flowers all she needed were the dresses and shoes (and they both already had the shoes).

Honestly I will always remember this and some of the other drama my sister pulled at my wedding. She was resentful because she didn't have a big wedding due to insisting on having it less then 6 months after being engaged and my parents couldn't help since Dad was laid off at the time. So she was mad that my parents helped me out some (less then $2000 counting their own clothes for the wedding and what they paid for me) I paid the rest. Her resentment showed in the way she acted that day and caused alot of headaches both for me and for other members of the family.

I would have been even more hurt if I was the sister you said yes to and then backed out. I mean she lost 3 members of the wedding party after the fact which can be really disruptive to planning! Take your vacation if you want but understand that your husbands sisters may never forget this and it could very well cause a rift in the family. I try not to treat my one sister differently because I know she just is a selfish person like that but honestly sometimes can't help it.

 

[okeydokey]

These aren't "my" sisters. I am not very close to them.

Of course they are. They became your sisters when you married their brother. I can't imagine not being in a siblings wedding and using the money to go on vacation instead, especially in a "close" family. I can see why they are hurt.

 

[imthatgirl]

I got married a little over a year ago. My nieces were all in my wedding and it would have hurt if either of my sisters didn't let them for money reasons. One sister kept complaining about it because her two daughters were in the wedding one of her girls dress cost $130 (bridesmaid) the other I don't know she wouldn't let me pick it because she insisted on waiting till the last minute, I honestly wasn't sure if her daughter would be a flower girl for a while since she kept putting off getting the dress. Even this much drama was hurtful because this is the sister that always has money for things she wants to do and new cars etc etc. Oh and there was no shower for them to spend money on, I paid for their hair and flowers all she needed were the dresses and shoes (and they both already had the shoes).

Honestly I will always remember this and some of the other drama my sister pulled at my wedding. She was resentful because she didn't have a big wedding due to insisting on having it less then 6 months after being engaged and my parents couldn't help since Dad was laid off at the time. So she was mad that my parents helped me out some (less then $2000 counting their own clothes for the wedding and what they paid for me) I paid the rest. Her resentment showed in the way she acted that day and caused alot of headaches both for me and for other members of the family.

I would have been even more hurt if I was the sister you said yes to and then backed out. I mean she lost 3 members of the wedding party after the fact which can be really disruptive to planning! Take your vacation if you want but understand that your husbands sisters may never forget this and it could very well cause a rift in the family. I try not to treat my one sister differently because I know she just is a selfish person like that but honestly sometimes can't help it.

I would have loved to be in the first sil's wedding...I said I would. Unfortunately when my other sil wanted us to be in her wedding we had to turn them both down. I could never be in one and not the other. And spending that much money on 2 weddings in one year just isn't something we wanted to do.
I will never understand this idea that the person getting married decides who will be in their wedding and the person asked should just bow to that. Sorry but you ask people to be in your wedding and if they can't...or don't want to, for whatever the reason....you find someone else.
Just because you are getting married does not mean that you are now allowed to dictate what goes on with the people around you.
I don't understand why you would force your sister to pay for two dresses that she didn't want to buy. If you wanted your nieces in the wedding then you should have bought their dresses. If you weren't willing to buy them then you should have excepted the fact that your sister didn't want to buy them either. You say she always has the money to buy the things she wants...well yeah, it's HER money. why should she not buy the things SHE wants.

I am really shocked by the amount of people in this thread who think they have the power to dictate how other people spend their money. It's amazing. On the other hand I am also surprised that so many people think that just because someone asks you to do something you are now obligated to do it. Crazy.

 

[Nancyg56]

I just wanted to clear something up...our reasoning was not that we didn't "have" the money it was that we didn't want to "spend" that much money. Semantics....but not quite.

"Semantics but not quite" indeed. For me, this would be why I was hurt. In my family we make adjustments for life events and a wedding would be considered a life event. We would still vacation but that would be the area where I downsized a lot. There will always be another "yearly vacation to Disney, since you have indicated you go every year.

I guess my thinking is that when a family member has a very special, once in a lifetime event, it would mean a lot to shift priorities and modify the budget for just one year. I understand that 2 weddings is a lot, but I still feel that family comes first, and there might have been a way to compromise and be in both. Is it really so unreasonable to give up something that is not en essential expense in order to support one's family? Vacations and Starbucks are not essentials. Sometimes you just have to "take one for the team" and be there for your family.

Not every bride expects the wedding party to fork out a ton of money, especially if those asked to participate are open about the financial concerns from the beginning. Maybe the sisters wouldn't have demanded professional hair & make-up...you'll be getting a gift & travelling anyhow...someone else could certainly throw the shower...my SIL wanted everyone in the wedding party to have their hair/make-up/nails done and I just said no, I could not afford the money as I was out of work when she got married. I did everything myself and looked just as nice as the other girls, and my SIL didn't even care or notice once her big day arrived & all the attention was on her.

Again, I'm not saying that the vacation plans should be changed or cancelled, just that the OP should be patient with the brides. No one is "making a claim" on the OP's money, but being asked to participate in a wedding is a big deal. To be turned down for financial reasons and then watch those people turn around and go on an expensive vacation (and WDW is expensive) might be hurtful. It does seem a little sad to me that people don't seem willing to make a sacrifice for their families for such a special occassion.

You said this so much more eloquently than I could have.

I guess I will be the disenter here. I think you are totally wrong. While I think vacation is a priority- I think a sibling's wedding takes priority over that. You have made it very clear that you don't really like them with your posts how you are not close to them and don't want to spend the money on their weddings. Sorry- they are still your dh's sisters. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do the right thing. It's not like they are going to get married every year. It doesn't matter how you phrased it- you basically won't be in their wedding because you don't want to spend the money but you will take a vacation and you have the money for that. No matter how you twist it there will be hurt feelings in the family. I can assure you that they will not forget and to be honest neither would I or anyone else I know. Since you are also his wife they will be blaming you for it. Yes- they will know he made the decision with you but in the end they will blame you because "their brother would never do such a thing." I have seen similiar things happen in families and that is usually the route these things take.
.

Exactly. It will most likely be an issue later on. But the OP will have gone on her vacation so

 

[DeniseinNS]

I can see why your SIL's would be upset, especially the first one who's wedding you had already agreed to be part of and then backed out. You told them it was because you could not afford it but then you book a trip instead, I would be hurt too. A wedding is a very special event and when you ask someone to be in your wedding party it means that they are important enough to you to want to be an important part of that special day and then they end up feeling like they obviously aren't as important to you since a trip was your priority.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I would have loved to be in the first sil's wedding...I said I would. Unfortunately when my other sil wanted us to be in her wedding we had to turn them both down. I could never be in one and not the other. And spending that much money on 2 weddings in one year just isn't something we wanted to do.
I will never understand this idea that the person getting married decides who will be in their wedding and the person asked should just bow to that. Sorry but you ask people to be in your wedding and if they can't...or don't want to, for whatever the reason....you find someone else.
Just because you are getting married does not mean that you are now allowed to dictate what goes on with the people around you.
I don't understand why you would force your sister to pay for two dresses that she didn't want to buy. If you wanted your nieces in the wedding then you should have bought their dresses. If you weren't willing to buy them then you should have excepted the fact that your sister didn't want to buy them either. You say she always has the money to buy the things she wants...well yeah, it's HER money. why should she not buy the things SHE wants.

I am really shocked by the amount of people in this thread who think they have the power to dictate how other people spend their money. It's amazing. On the other hand I am also surprised that so many people think that just because someone asks you to do something you are now obligated to do it. Crazy.

I don't understand it either.

A wedding is a funny thing. Lots of expectations from all corners. People can get their feelings hurt for not being included in the wedding party too. You just can't please everyone.

The plans are set. I think it's very petty for the brides to look backward and gossip. What happened to looking forward and being happy about the upcoming event? Why can't they be happy with the plans they have? It's not like their brother won't be there.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I would have loved to be in the first sil's wedding...I said I would. Unfortunately when my other sil wanted us to be in her wedding we had to turn them both down. I could never be in one and not the other. And spending that much money on 2 weddings in one year just isn't something we wanted to do.
I will never understand this idea that the person getting married decides who will be in their wedding and the person asked should just bow to that. Sorry but you ask people to be in your wedding and if they can't...or don't want to, for whatever the reason....you find someone else.
Just because you are getting married does not mean that you are now allowed to dictate what goes on with the people around you.
I don't understand why you would force your sister to pay for two dresses that she didn't want to buy. If you wanted your nieces in the wedding then you should have bought their dresses. If you weren't willing to buy them then you should have excepted the fact that your sister didn't want to buy them either. You say she always has the money to buy the things she wants...well yeah, it's HER money. why should she not buy the things SHE wants.

I am really shocked by the amount of people in this thread who think they have the power to dictate how other people spend their money. It's amazing. On the other hand I am also surprised that so many people think that just because someone asks you to do something you are now obligated to do it. Crazy.

This isn't about some "random" people telling you how to spend your time and money. This is about family and a family celebration. You stated your husband is close to his family and obviously both weddings are a big deal. I think it's really nice that the SIL want your family in the wedding to share their special time.

I understand it's not that fun and it can be expensive but it's family and that is what it boils down to is family. I understand your family(husband and children) need family time alone but it seems these weddings are important and when stating you don't have the funds to do both weddings and then turn around and do a vacation it shows that these sisters simply aren't that important to you. The family will always remember how you said you didn't have the money to be in the weddings and then turn around and go on a vacation. Don't you think that is showing you simply don't care?

It's not always fun or fair to do something for or with the family but when it's important to the entire family, sometimes you have to give a little.

 

[imthatgirl]

I don't understand it either.

A wedding is a funny thing. Lots of expectations from all corners. People can get their feelings hurt for not being included in the wedding party too. You just can't please everyone.

The plans are set. I think it's very petty for the brides to look backward and gossip. What happened to looking forward and being happy about the upcoming event? Why can't they be happy with the plans they have? It's not like their brother won't be there.

He's also not the only brother not in the weddings. there are 7 kids and only 5 were asked. So it's not like he will be the only family member missing.

And you're right, this happened 6 or more months ago, when we made these decisions not to do the weddings. Now we are taking our vacations, like we do every year. Why look back?

 

[BlondeAlligator]

I am really shocked by the amount of people in this thread who think they have the power to dictate how other people spend their money. It's amazing. On the other hand I am also surprised that so many people think that just because someone asks you to do something you are now obligated to do it. Crazy.

I don't think anyone is saying that they have the POWER to dictate how family members spend their money. An honest conversation about wedding expenses right up front can resolve a lot of issues brought about by agreeing to be in someones wedding. I also don't think anyone thinks that a person is OBLIGATED to be in a wedding simply because they are asked. A lot of us just feel that family should come first, and being asked to participate in a wedding is a special honor that should be taken seriously. Putting off a vacation for one year so that you can stand up in support of a loved one making a major life commitment is the kid of selflessness that I think is lacking in a lot of familes these days. This attitude of putting your wants (not NEEDS, but wants) first is, I'll just say it (though I've been trying to avoid the word until now), selfish.

Your DH is close to his sisters, and you yourself are fond enough of one of them to watch her child every day for nothing more than "hugs and kisses"? You are hardly random family memebrs (I think that title is reserved for the second cousin you haven't seen in 15 years yet decide to ask to join the wedding party!) You could have compromised...say have just your DH be in the weddings instead of all of you. Or maybe just your child. The only expense for the two of them would have been the outfit, since neither would have been expected to throw a shower or have their hair done. By doing that, you could have made both sisters happy, and then no one would even be batting an eye at your vacation.

You are, of course, going to do what's right for you. It's just that you seemed shocked and upset by the reaction of the older sister to your vacation and linked it to her wedding. Some of us just feel that you really shouldn't be that surprised, based on the decisions that you have made and how you made them. I agree with some of the others who feel that this kind of situation surrounding a family wedding can have lasting negative effects on family relations.

I STILL wish you good luck with all of this and hope that given everything, you can have a nice vacation.

 

[imthatgirl]

This isn't about some "random" people telling you how to spend your time and money. This is about family and a family celebration. You stated your husband is close to his family and obviously both weddings are a big deal. I think it's really nice that the SIL want your family in the wedding to share their special time.

I understand it's not that fun and it can be expensive but it's family and that is what it boils down to is family. I understand your family(husband and children) need family time alone but it seems these weddings are important and when stating you don't have the funds to do both weddings and then turn around and do a vacation it shows that these sisters simply aren't that important to you. The family will always remember how you said you didn't have the money to be in the weddings and then turn around and go on a vacation. Don't you think that is showing you simply don't care?

It's not always fun or fair to do something for or with the family but when it's important to the entire family, sometimes you have to give a little.

I already said we didn't tell them we didn't "have" the money....we just felt that was too much money in one year.

You and others keep saying "it's family"....yes it is family. So shouldn't "family" understand that this is too much for us? $2500 in one year.....why is it that we should be the only understanding ones? Why doesn't it go both ways?

 

[OceanAnnie]

He's also not the only brother not in the weddings. there are 7 kids and only 5 were asked. So it's not like he will be the only family member missing.

And you're right, this happened 6 or more months ago, when we made these decisions not to do the weddings. Now we are taking our vacations, like we do every year. Why look back?

Plus they don't know how much money you are spending! How could they equate your vacation to what you would spend on their wedding? That's nuts! They have no idea. They should mind their own business about the matter. I wouldn't presume to tell my family members what they "should" do (alter their lives) to be in my wedding. They have lives. Your vacation doesn't mean anything in regards to their wedding or how you feel about them. You aren't marrying them! It's two separate events. They are being petty. I would be the one remembering this kind of talk.

 

[imthatgirl]

I don't think anyone is saying that they have the POWER to dictate how family members spend their money. An honest conversation about wedding expenses right up front can resolve a lot of issues brought about by agreeing to be in someones wedding. I also don't think anyone thinks that a person is OBLIGATED to be in a wedding simply because they are asked. A lot of us just feel that family should come first, and being asked to participate in a wedding is a special honor that should be taken seriously. Putting off a vacation for one year so that you can stand up in support of a loved one making a major life commitment is the kid of selflessness that I think is lacking in a lot of familes these days. This attitude of putting your wants (not NEEDS, but wants) first is, I'll just say it (though I've been trying to avoid the word until now), selfish.

Your DH is close to his sisters, and you yourself are fond enough of one of them to watch her child every day for nothing more than "hugs and kisses"? You are hardly random family memebrs (I think that title is reserved for the second cousin you haven't seen in 15 years yet decide to ask to join the wedding party!) You could have compromised...say have just your DH be in the weddings instead of all of you. Or maybe just your child. The only expense for the two of them would have been the outfit, since neither would have been expected to throw a shower or have their hair done. By doing that, you could have made both sisters happy, and then no one would even be batting an eye at your vacation.

You are, of course, going to do what's right for you. It's just that you seemed shocked and upset by the reaction of the older sister to your vacation and linked it to her wedding. Some of us just feel that you really shouldn't be that surprised, based on the decisions that you have made and how you made them. I agree with some of the others who feel that this kind of situation surrounding a family wedding can have lasting negative effects on family relations.

I STILL wish you good luck with all of this and hope that given everything, you can have a nice vacation.

Even had we not gone on vacation we wouldn't have done the weddings. One has nothing to do with the other....it's still too much money.

 

[cherjp]

good for you ,dont feel guilty.
You have been good enough to treat some of your family to holidays.

Enjoy your holiday and enjoy the weddings !

 

[BlondeAlligator]

I already said we didn't tell them we didn't "have" the money....we just felt that was too much money in one year.

You and others keep saying "it's family"....yes it is family. So shouldn't "family" understand that this is too much for us? $2500 in one year.....why is it that we should be the only understanding ones? Why doesn't it go both ways?

Because you are talking about spending that money on a vacation that you could take anytime. WDW isn't going anywhere. They are talking about a once in a lifetime, major event. The point is, you told them you wouldn't spend the money on their weddings, and now you are probably spending the same amount on WDW. I can see how a person would be hurt by that decision since it sends a message of "your not that important to me".

 

[imthatgirl]

Because you are talking about spending that money on a vacation that you could take anytime. WDW isn't going anywhere. They are talking about a once in a lifetime, major event. The point is, you told them you wouldn't spend the money on their weddings, and now you are probably spending the same amount on WDW. I can see how a person would be hurt by that decision since it sends a message of "your not that important to me".

Whats "that" money....do you mean "my" money? There is no "that" money...we weren't doing the weddings, so there was no money in a wedding fund or anything.
Like I said one has nothing to do with the other.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Because you are talking about spending that money on a vacation that you could take anytime. WDW isn't going anywhere. They are talking about a once in a lifetime, major event. The point is, you told them you wouldn't spend the money on their weddings, and now you are probably spending the same amount on WDW. I can see how a person would be hurt by that decision since it sends a message of "your not that important to me".

I just don't see it. If a family member is there for you, takes your child on vacations, watches your kids, participates in family events, all that is negated because they aren't in your wedding? It's very presumptuous and rude to assume the amount they are spending for a family vacation would be the same amount of money spent on being in a wedding. You don't know. As a family member it's not your business to know.

They are going to be at the wedding! They will be there. What is the point of being bent out of shape over it? The focus should not be on what the OP's family is doing. That's crazy!

 

[BlondeAlligator]

Even had we not gone on vacation we wouldn't have done the weddings. One has nothing to do with the other....it's still too much money.

Because you gave the reason of "too much money", it's easy (especially for the brides) to link these two seemingly unrelated events. Again, an honest discussion about the expense of both weddings at the time the second one was announced could have resulted in a compromise that would have worked for you financially, and made both sisters happy.

There are a lot of ways this could have worked out, but I think that the honest truth is that some people, you included, don't place a priority on family obligations. That's your right, and I get that every family is different, but it seems a little off to some of the rest of us who do place family first. If one of my sisters needs/wants me to be there for something, I'm there, and I know that they would do the same for me. Not all families work that way, I know. In your case, if the sister wasn't upset, we would never be having this discussion. However, she obviously is upset by your decision, and you have to live with how your actions make her feel.

This is less about money or cancelling a trip than about respecting the fact that your decision has hurt a family member. Stick by your plans, by all means, but try to be sensitive, not defensive, while you do.

 

[imthatgirl]

I just don't see it. If a family member is there for you, takes your child on vacations, watches your kids, participates in family events, all that is negated because they aren't in your wedding? It's very presumptuous and rude to assume the amount they are spending for a family vacation would amount to the same amount of money spent on being in a wedding. You don't know. As a family member it's not your business to know.

They are going to be at the wedding! They will be there. What is the point of being bent out of shape over it? The focus should not be on what the OP's family is doing. That's crazy!

I think that all families and people for that matter are different. I think that person equates money spent on someone with love. I don't feel someone needs to spend money on me to show me they love me.
I don't feel that by me not wanting to spend, what is in my opinion to be a lot of money, on my sil's that it means don't care about them. Of course if I skipped the wedding as a whole then yes that would mean it wasn't important to me.
When I was married I had a girlfriend who told me she wasn't comfortable with being in my wedding, she wasn't comfortable spending the money nor was she comfortable being in the "show".....I never felt she didn't care about me. thats silly. I would never out that much pressure on the people I love.