Domestic Adoption

[Kim&Chris]

Have any of you ever done this?

We went to an attorney last week to begin the process. Very scary....alot can happen. Different states have different points of finalization (when the birthmother signs away her parental rights), and she can change her mind at any moment prior to that.

Also, in NJ, the birthmother has the right to 'request' things from the adoptive parents, and you are urged to grant her wishes. Most birthmothers will ask for things like maternity clothes, etc., but our attorney was telling us about one girl who contacted several agencies offering to give her baby up for adoption, then was able to hook up with 6 different adoptive parent couples, and milked over $60,000.00 total from them before disappearing.

She was also explaining that very few birthmothers actually know the identity of the father, let alone his health background. She said that many of the babies come from girls that were raped, or used their bodies to earn money and accidentally became pregnant.

Also, the cost is going tis staggering, which makes me really angry.....who's getting this money?? Certainly not the baby!

Just blowing off a little steam (sorry). I haven't been able to sleep for about a week or so, and I'm really, really nervous!

 

[CEDmom]

Our DD was adopted from China but friends adopted a son through Catholic Charities. We're in NJ as well and I know they had to wait 6 mo for the adoption to be final. The birth mother did request that child be given a specific middle name. Our friends of course did it. The birth mom did know the father. They were both college students and were committed to each but not ready for a baby. Of course our friends had to wait almost 5 yrs for their child so this route definitely isn't for everyone. There were any fees with Catholic Charities but that probably means the birth mom wasn't given anything for her expenses.

Good luck.

 

[Robinrs]

My girlfriend went the long route, through foster parenting. She ended up with 5 little angels of her own, though, well worth the wait.

 

[fluffernutter]

First I just want to give to you.
I know how hard and frustrating this all must be for you and your dh. My husband and I had just gone through all this and in the end we decided to go with international adoption-whihc we are in the process of doing now.
Whatever you decide to do-just know that you will be blessed with a child in the end and that makes it all worth it.

We have friends that decided to pursue domestic adoption and they had a positive experience and yes financially it did add up-but they wouldnt have done anything differently in the end.
They were asked to provide housing arrangements for the birthmother,etc.
Again-I know this is a stressful time-so if ever you want to talk just email or PM me.
-Marcy

 

[kpgclark]

Feel free to contact me ANY TIME! I'd love to know what attorney you are using too. We live in PA but adopted our daughter who was born in NJ. Boy, I could tell you stories! I'm very happy to help in any way you need.

 

[RUDisney]

Count me among those who are willing to take this offline with you. We adopted our two children from Russia in 2001. Our primary reasons for deciding to go the international route were the horror stories you hear about birth mothers stringing couples along and then changing their minds and both of us have some Russian roots, so it was a common ethnicity that we all share. Add that to the fact that once the adoption was final (after a 10-day waiting period) no one could ever take the kids away from us. The total time that our adoption took was just 7 months.

While you can't get a tiny baby, you can adopt a 6 mo. old from Russia.

Marcy, from which country are you adopting? I have a list of things we learned that we did take and some things that we wish we took to Russia. If that's where you're going, I'd be happy to share it with you.

Good luck in your process, Kim! I hope everything goes smoothly and quickly for you.

 

[HollyJoy]

I know several people who have adopted, but unfortunately, most of them had to do so overseas due to all the red tape here in the states. I have two friends who have kids from Russia, one who has a little girl from China, and the sister of a friend of mine was able to adopt a little boy from Hawaii. Out of them all, the adoption from Hawaii had the most red tape. Good luck!

 

[AZKathy]

I have three adopted children adopted domestically. We chose the route of an agency to handle all three rather than a lawyer because of what you had mentioned about a birthmom milking the family for money and such. The adoption fees were paid with placement.

Fortunately, the laws in Arizona are very good compared to a lot of states. There is a law for birthfathers who think they could have fathered a baby and have an interest in the baby for the birthfather to file at that time. I am not sure how that goes, honestly. There is a 72 hours limit to signing relinquishment papers and after they are signed, they cannot change their minds. If the father cannot be found, there is an ad placed in the paper and 30 days goes by, the paternal rights are severed then. If they find the birthfather, he is given 30 days to get a DNA test and put a stop to the adoption. He will not get the baby. Usually, the birthmom will keep the baby and he then will be paying child support for 18 years. That is what happened with our DD2. He did not want her adopted and made threats, but that is as far as it got, and his rights were relinquished 30 days after getting served the legal papers.

All three of our adoptions are open. We have communication with the families and see them periodically. Our kids know they are adopted and the reasons why they were placed with us. It is no big deal to them and since they know their birthmoms, they don't have any identity crisis with who they look like and such.

Our DD2 was totally unplanned. See, our DD1's birthmom got pregnant again. Well, she did not tell us or anyone for that matter since she thought she had messed up so bad again. Well, we get this phone call from our adoption agency that DD2 was born and would we like to keep the sisters together. We had the first option to keep them together and that was what birthmom really wanted. We told the agency that we don't have the funds to pay for this and if they felt that this placement of keeping the sisters together was important, then we would open our home to her and love her like our other two children. The agency waived the fees and we went through the certification process after she was in our home. There was a rich lady that had given some grant money to the agency for situations like this and her grant money covered the fees.

Good luck in your new adventure. You sound very nervous and I would be in the situation you are in with the uncertainties. I don't think I could do the adoption process that way. Keep us posted and feel free to PM me anytime. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Best to you!

 

[Dan Murphy]

We are adoptive parents, twice, but quite a time ago, almost 27 and 24 years ago. Both through Catholic Charities, both wonderfully simple, much more so than today. We did not think simple at the time, but compared to now, yes. I do wish you the best, my prayers and good wishes are with you. Hopefully you will provide a wonderful home to one or more children in the future.

 

[Kim in TN]

This is why we decided to adopt internationally also.

We couldn't be happier! (We've been home a little over 2 months now)

 

[Disneycrazymom]

Our DD also came to us through Catholic Charities. We had begun the process of going to China and then CC opened the list here in STL. Since we had our son already, and didn't want to leave him to go to China we decide to go on the list. Our birthmom is wonderful. We see her about once a year and send pictures. I think it would be harder to go with just a lawyer. I liked that she and us all had access to some counseling and to such professional leadership throughout the process. Our fees were on a sliding scale and I think we paid about $10,000 total but all went to the agency, nothing directly to birthmom. Have faith and be couargous. The adoption process can be a long journey but SO worth it when you hold your new son or daughter!

 

[phillybeth]

Right now I'm considering adoption vs. IF treatment. If we do adopt it will probably international, Russia more than likely, unless DH and I can agree on adopting a mixed-race baby domestically. Catholic Charities in my area has stopped taking adoption apps for white newborns- there just aren't any to adopt.

 

[Tantorini]

we are "in process" of a Russian adoption... (2 children actually) .. my husband was adopted domestically as an infant.. and is not a fan of the open adoptions which are common in most domestic adoptions .. (personal choice.. we think it's great for the families that are created through open adoption)

good luck to those considering adoption.. it's a journey.. and I can't wait until the end.. but it has been fascinating so far!

 

[Disneyland_emily]

We still are trying to adopt a baby domestically but we are loosing faith pretty quick- We got the "fuzzy end of the lollypop" on our last adoption (parents revoked it at the very last moment then tried to "cure" her medical problem themselves and killed her) so we are taking it very cautious-

I dont know what we plan to do it if doesnt pan out- We are thinking of doing an international adoption but we are not sure yet-


-em

 

[kpgclark]

Both of our children were adopted domestically. Both adoptions were very fast as well. I have no horror stories (except that one of the attorneys we used was taking us for a ride monetarily). Yes, both were expensive but things were very smooth. We had to pay for medical expenses for both and one was a C-section. We paid for living expenses for just one b-mom. We used an attorney AND an agency for both (two attorneys for our daughter). The lawyers did the b'mom search and we used the agencies to counsel the b'mom etc. I don't want to go into all the details but if you want to PM for any information at all, just let me know. As I said before, we also live in PA and adopted a child born in NJ. Just be sure you have a highly recommended lawyer who can gauge the sincerity of the b'mom. I think very, very few b'moms are out there to rip people off. Don't let that scare you off.

 

[BedKnobbery2]

My brother and his wife adopted domestically through their church. Both mothers were young women who knew the fathers, but were not prepared to marry them. There were some problems with both; their first child, the baby was born out-of-state (and incidentally, in my state) and because of the laws in Maine, the baby could not cross state lines (so they couldn't take him home, although he was placed with them just after his birth) until the father signed off on his parental rights. The problem was, the father's parents decided they wanted to see the baby before that happened--and they live in a different part of the country. My brother, sister-in-law, and their new son ended up living with me for 5 weeks until it was resolved.

With their second child, the snafu came in that the father of the baby was part-Cherokee, and it was national law that complicated the adoption. Apparently Native American nations have the right to claim parental rights if the birth parents have signed off on theirs. So although my brother and his wife got their baby just after his birth, it was several months before they knew for sure if they could keep him because the Cherokee nation took quite a while to make their decision.

I would say, though, that they would say they have no regrets in either case!

Good luck!!

 

[luvmarypoppins]

Hi, I know you posted once before and I told you about my cousins who live in NJ too. They had very bad experiences with a birth mom and an agency. I would have to ask my aunt the name of it, but DONT use it. I think its by the shore, run by a women and she makes many false promises and left my cousins heartbroken through her misleading. They had to do the whole profile and no one ever picked them. They finally ended up with the HOLT agency with a boy and girl from Korea. Some other people we know in nj actually ran an ad in some texas papers and got their daughter from a nice birthmom there who was living with her grandma. I wish you much peace and patience. It is a long journey, but so worth it in the end. Just please deal with reliable people who are reputable. Ask for references from other parents. Maybe join a pre adoption support group.

 

[hipporina]

I too am just now looking into domestic private adoption. We have two boys that we adopted through CPS, and now we want a baby. Our boys were 2.5 & 7 when we got them and we really want the experience of an infant. We have a 6 month old foster child that we were supposed to be able to adopt, but CPS just found a relative. He will probably be leaving us in about 2 weeks and it is breaking our hearts.

We are currently trying to decide between finding completely adoptable children through CPS, doing domestic adoption, and pursuing IF treatments again. We may tackle all three together and see what comes up first. Fortunately, our foster agency also does private adoptions so they are looking for CPS children for us and we're getting info on the private adoptions.

I would recommend trying to find an agency you can trust. That is what is taking away the adoption fear for me. With our older boys, our agency was going to do the adoption, but the state had an adoption freeze for foster agencies and only CPS could complete them. Instead of making us wait a couple of extra months to finalize the adoption, they released the adoption to CPS so we could get it finalized, even though it lost them their $9000 adoption fee from the state. I know they will do the right thing for us again.

Good luck with however you go about getting a child. I'm dealing with losing the one I have now by knowing that there is a baby out there that God intends for me to have. I just hope I find him soon.

 

[Dcat2u]

My mom and step-dad adopted twice from the Phillipines, the first one took awhile but the second was quick, mom got a call and said they had another baby boy if she wanted him, dad was in the Gulf war at the time so they sent him a red cross message, of course he said yes and off she went 2 months later to get him. There is 20 years difference between me and the youngest and 16 months between him and my oldest daughter.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

My boss just got her beautiful daughter from Guatamala. The adoption took over a year and was a very long & hard journey for her but she is so very happy. I wish you the best of luck and remember , no matter how hard and long the road is, in the end it will work out and you will have a family!