Does your son wear jewelry?

[The Mystery Machine]

My DS8 likes necklaces. He used to have one that was a leather string type with a lightening bolt. The other day I had to exchange PJs for DD at justice. While in there he came up to me and begged me to let him get this best friends necklace set. It is a soccer ball seperated one says best the other says friends.

it doesn't have glitter or rhinestones, is on a silver chain and the ball is black and white. So it isn't pink! He is so excited to give it to his best friend.

I have no problem with DS wearing his half. I think it is very sweet of him to want to give his buddy a gift and they really are best friends. They are on the same soccer team and all.

I'm just concerned that the other boy will not want to wear it. Actually I'm a bit worried about his reaction when son gives it to him.

Should I prep him that sometimes boys don't like to wear jewelery? I don't want his feelings to get crushed.

I think I would sit and explain homosexuality to him. Does your son understand that other kids will label him as gay?

If you are worried about his feelings being crushed then you REALLY need to be concerned with being labeled as gay. That kind of label brings out horrible bullying.

That is what you should prepare him for if anything. At least he can decide if he wants to take that risk with his friends.

 

[autumnpalm]

"I don't teach sexist attitudes. I just perpetuate them because, after all, they are all around us. We may as well go along with it. After all, if everyone else does it then it must be right. And it sure beats thinking for ourselves."

As far as the bolded section, I've heard the same words used to argue in favor of sexual, racial, and ethnic discrimination. Shame on us that any of us still believe that.

There is actually a scientific basis for gender differences being rooted in biology. Men and women have biological differences that shape behaviours, attitudes and preferences. While there are always exceptions and outliers (as with transgendered or androgynous individuals), a large part of gender schema is biological/genetic. Of course environment, personality, culture, etc. will have an impact on the way one expresses their gender but it cannot be denied that there are basic biological factors at play.

I do not feel that this is a sexist or discriminatory opinion at all. I believe that all people, regardless of how they identify or express their gender, deserve equal rights, treatment and opportunities. I believe every human being has inherent worth. If my son wanted to play with dolls or my daughter wanted to join the wrestling club- more power to them. I would support them wholeheartedly. Our society is often very rigid when it comes to gender roles and I do not think their is anything wrong with a boy having a traditionally feminine interest such a baking or a girl wanting to join karate. Every child is an individual.

But society, whether we like it or not, does have gender norms. Some of these may be culturally shaped but there are inherent differences between men and women and I don't think it is productive or beneficial to deny that.

 

[Frye7127]

I asked my DS who is 10 what he would think if someone gave him a necklace like that...he made a face and said that he thought it would be weird and the only time he ever saw necklaces like that girls were wearing them. He wears leather and silver necklaces and bracelets. He didn't think the friendship necklace was a good idea for your son.

 

[Totally Tink]

I think I would sit and explain homosexuality to him. Does your son understand that other kids will label him as gay?

If you are worried about his feelings being crushed then you REALLY need to be concerned with being labeled as gay. That kind of label brings out horrible bullying.

That is what you should prepare him for if anything. At least he can decide if he wants to take that risk with his friends.

Really??? Wow. A boy can't give another child a gift for fear of being labeled? If so, the parents perpetuating this kind of behavior and name calling are who we need to worry about. It's almost 2011, people.

 

[RitaE]

In my world there are ideals and then there is reality. As much as I'm in favor of this idealistic world where a boy could wear whatever he wanted, act however he wanted, and dream whatever lies within his heart without fear of repercussions ... I also know for a fact that we live in the REAL world where a boy making a traditional romantic gesture toward another boy is ripe for attracting bullying type behavior.

And no sorry, I'm not willing to sacrifice my boys for that sort of ideal. Especially not at 8 years old where I don't think sexuality is likely to have anything at all to do with his desire to be a friend.

And that doesn't mean I as a parent encourage my children toward bad behavior, labeling or bullying. Tell me that your son is being bullied for this sort of thing and I would think it is terrible.
--
And that ideas that "everybody is the same inside" is kind of funny because I just had a discussion yesterday with an author over how when female authors write Gay Male character into their books the tendency is to make them just like women with an extra appendage attached and how that is false. They aren't women. They are men.

 

[jen0610]

DS15 only very few and far between times will wear one of those rubber stretch braclets. And it is usually only because he has to - is an ID for camp, pool, band.

Now DD13's boyfriend - yea he wears the same style of braclets and silly bandz all the time. He will also wear the hemp braided necklaces and braclets.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Both my sons have worn necklaces, usually the beaded kind with hemp. My little guy used to have a black leather one with a pokemon dangling down. I don't know, though...I think I'd talk my son out of giving that as a gift. It's a very sweet thought, but if he does it, you'll want to prepare him that he might get teased.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Really??? Wow. A boy can't give another child a gift for fear of being labeled? If so, the parents perpetuating this kind of behavior and name calling are who we need to worry about. It's almost 2011, people.

This is a girl's friendship necklace. It would absolutely be seen as "gay". You may not want to hear that but it is reality.

 

[Totally Tink]

This is a girl's friendship necklace. It would absolutely be seen as "gay". You may not want to hear that but it is reality.

I'm fully aware of reality. What I don't understand is people think that it's acceptable. We are talking about LITTLE boys...not a group of teenagers. It's sickening.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think I would sit and explain homosexuality to him. Does your son understand that other kids will label him as gay?

If you are worried about his feelings being crushed then you REALLY need to be concerned with being labeled as gay. That kind of label brings out horrible bullying.

That is what you should prepare him for if anything. At least he can decide if he wants to take that risk with his friends.

See-now if my son did not already know about this stuff I might explain that some kids just don't know any better and might think a boy doing anything traditionally on the girl side of things is wrong and they may possibly tease about that and because of that it is better to give the necklace to his friend at home and then his friend can decide whether he wants to wear it to school or not. I would warn my own kids that he could possibly be teased too--but not likely (how noticeable would the necklace be with a typical boy shirt?) and then give him ideas of how to handle that. I would not make it out that being gay is in any way bad or acting in a more effeminate manner should be avoided even if that is how he feels just beacuse others may not like it. What if in a few years your son happens to turn out to be gay and you have taught him to hide who he is I just think that would be horrible. It also kind of teaches your son to go along with the crowd when teasing or bullying happens, or at least to sit quietly buy, rather than to take action to stop it.

One last little thing: my son is a dancer. He also likes to wear nail polish at times (and has dolls come to think of it). He also likes soccer and Legos and Rock Band and plenty of "boy" things. I can think of ONE instance when a child teased him (a female visitor to his ballet class--the actual girls he has danced with have never, ever had an issue) but countless horrible and viscous comments made by ADULTS in his hearing. This leads me to think that most of the time when kids are mean about this stuff it is becasue they have gotten the impression that it is okay to be from adults who tell them it is, or tell them to expect it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm fully aware of reality. What I don't understand is people think that it's acceptable. We are talking about LITTLE boys...not a group of teenagers. It's sickening.

I am not saying I like it or find it acceptable. I am disgusted by it but that is how it is here.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I am not saying I like it or find it acceptable. I am disgusted by it but that is how it is here.

and how it was when I was little in a small town in Texas is that people at school teased me for being friends with a black girl. Should my parents have told me not to befriends with her so no one would tease me? By your logic it sounds like you think they should have. Thankfully my parents did NOT use your logic. They taught me that the teasers were wrong and gave me some skills to use to cope with the teasing--and kept an eye out to make sure the situation did not become truly dangerous (a real possibility)--had it then they would have stepped in.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

See-now if my son did not already know about this stuff I might explain that some kids just don't know any better and might think a boy doing anything traditionally on the girl side of things is wrong and they may possibly tease about that and because of that it is better to give the necklace to his friend at home and then his friend can decide whether he wants to wear it to school or not. I would warn my own kids that he could possibly be teased too--but not likely (how noticeable would the necklace be with a typical boy shirt?) and then give him ideas of how to handle that. I would not make it out that being gay is in any way bad or acting in a more effeminate manner should be avoided even if that is how he feels just beacuse others may not like it. What if in a few years your son happens to turn out to be gay and you have taught him to hide who he is I just think that would be horrible. It also kind of teaches your son to go along with the crowd when teasing or bullying happens, or at least to sit quietly buy, rather than to take action to stop it.

One last little thing: my son is a dancer. He also likes to wear nail polish at times (and has dolls come to think of it). He also likes soccer and Legos and Rock Band and plenty of "boy" things. I can think of ONE instance when a child teased him (a female visitor to his ballet class--the actual girls he has danced with have never, ever had an issue) but countless horrible and viscous comments made by ADULTS in his hearing. This leads me to think that most of the time when kids are mean about this stuff it is becasue they have gotten the impression that it is okay to be from adults who tell them it is, or tell them to expect it.

Gay or not, as an adult it is my responsibility to teach my children the realities of life no matter how ugly, racist, or bigoted it is.

I feel sorry for your son. It is awful to put up with this kind of crap.

However in this instance the OP's son should be made aware of the consequences of giving his best friend a "best friend girl necklace". He is 8 and is not aware of the ugliness that is out there.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

and how it was when I was little in a small town in Texas is that people at school teased me for being friends with a black girl. Should my parents have told me not to befriends with her so no one would tease me? By your logic it sounds like you think they should have. Thankfully my parents did NOT use your logic. They taught me that the teasers were wrong and gave me some skills to use to cope with the teasing--and kept an eye out to make sure the situation did not become truly dangerous (a real possibility)--had it then they would have stepped in.

You are way off track here. I am not generalizing. I am speaking specifically about the necklace situation.

 

[BRDof3]

My girls will just have to try to feel better about themselves by shaving their legs, waxing their eyebrows, and my boys will have to live with not wearing makeup. Fortunately, they're okay with it. However, if the boys decide to have a secret panty festish, more power to them. However, I'd appreciate it if they kept it private, and not wear fishnets to the annual Thanksgiving dinner.

Puh-leez. If you can't see the biological differences between male and female then even glasses won't help you. We weren't discussing biological differences. We were discussing stereotypes. If my son decides to shave his legs and my daughters don't, then more power to them.

The issue is that I don't teach my kids to believe in "the nat'rl order o' things." I spent way too many years listening to ingorant rednecks tell me that was why blacks and whites were "different."

btw, my toenails are currently painted 3 different colors at the request of my 10 year-old. I'll try not to damage your Thanksgiving dinner too much, although I do enjoy watching the irrational reactions when I go to the YMCA to swim.

 

[BRDof3]

I think I would sit and explain homosexuality to him. Does your son understand that other kids will label him as gay?

Even my 8 y/o would roll his eyes at that one. My nephew, his cousin, is gay. My best friend from high school has been married to his husband for over a decade. I love them both, don't get to spend as much time as I want with either, and my kids feel the same way. The derogatory word used as an insult is so far from reality as to be laughable.

The truly sad part of all this is that we have to cower before "cultural norms" that some people insist have a scientific basis. Bull-stuff in the first degree.

 

[pospisil]

I'm fully aware of reality. What I don't understand is people think that it's acceptable. We are talking about LITTLE boys...not a group of teenagers. It's sickening.

ITA

Our fire department was selling tshirts to raise money for breast cancer research, and I bought DS9 one. It's a very pretty pastel pink, and says Tough Enough to Wear Pink in little letters on the front where a pocket would be. DS is a macho type boy, doesn't like pink, so I didn't think he'd actually wear it, but it's a good cause. Anyway, he put it on to wear to school the other day,and DH came to me telling me to make him change because he would get teased for wearing a pink shirt. I told him no, he can decide what to wear, so he wore it. Lo and behold, no one teased him! DH asked him after school, and DS looked at him like he didn't understand what the big deal was. He's worn it a couple of times since. I think times are changing, maybe what we think kids will say is not so much the reality anymore.

Let him buy the necklace. If the other boy doesn't want to wear it, he won't. Or maybe he'll put it on his backpack zipper or something. DS has never worn jewelry much, except a shark's tooth for awhile, but he loves anything that can hang from his backpack.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Even my 8 y/o would roll his eyes at that one. My nephew, his cousin, is gay. My best friend from high school has been married to his husband for over a decade. I love them both, don't get to spend as much time as I want with either, and my kids feel the same way. The derogatory word used as an insult is so far from reality as to be laughable.

The truly sad part of all this is that we have to cower before "cultural norms" that some people insist have a scientific basis. Bull-stuff in the first degree.

If a boy gave another boy a "girls best friends" necklace, you would find the parent not allowing your son to play with him.

Here not being a Christian is enough to have parents not allow your kid to play with their children, let alone the perception of anything remotely gay.

The intolerance here is horrible.

 

[RitaE]

Originally Posted by NHdisneylover View Post
and how it was when I was little in a small town in Texas is that people at school teased me for being friends with a black girl. Should my parents have told me not to befriends with her so no one would tease me? By your logic it sounds like you think they should have. Thankfully my parents did NOT use your logic. They taught me that the teasers were wrong and gave me some skills to use to cope with the teasing--and kept an eye out to make sure the situation did not become truly dangerous (a real possibility)--had it then they would have stepped in.

But in your case you made the decision for yourself to stand up for your values.

I'm not sure why anybody would think it would be wrong for a Mother to explain to her son what might happen if he were to make such a gift to another friend. BTW, two completely different situations here. In your case you were befriending another child. In this case, a boy is gifting a piece of girl's jewelry to another boy. I haven't seen one single person suggest that the boys shouldn't be friends, just that the GIFT might have unintended consequences.

If the kid wants to stand up for his values --- great. But shouldn't the one who is going to take the social risks get to make the decision to do so for himself and shouldn't he be made aware of the facts before doing so?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

But in your case you made the decision for yourself to stand up for your values.

I'm not sure why anybody would think it would be wrong for a Mother to explain to her son what might happen if he were to make such a gift to another friend. BTW, two completely different situations here. In your case you were befriending another child. In this case, a boy is gifting a piece of girl's jewelry to another boy. I haven't seen one single person suggest that the boys shouldn't be friends, just that the GIFT might have unintended consequences.

If the kid wants to stand up for his values --- great. But shouldn't the one who is going to take the social risks get to make the decision to do so for himself and shouldn't he be made aware of the facts before doing so?

Exactly. I do not understand how it seems wrong to explain facts to their children.

The kid might go...."oh, well I don't want that".
Then the parent could say...."well I know you are best friends with so & so, so let's pick out a different gift".