Does this annoy you? How do you react?

[California Girl]

Sorry I dont care what you say to try to make it better.

1. You do NOT talk about how fat you are in front of someone thats fatter

2. You do NOT talk about your complection problems to someone that has
worse skin

3. You do NOT ask someone if they are pregnant.


I know people that bring up imaginary issues to encourage others to do what they think they should do.
(We do NOT need you to do this! We ARE aware of our issues)

There are people with health probs or they might be on medications that keep or pack pounds on.

I do believe people complain about being fat around fatter people to make themselves feel better. They want to hear, " OHHH at least your not as fat as me! Look at all the weight I have to lose!"

People are miserable and they need to make other feel like crap so they can feel better!
I REFUSE to allow anyone to do this to me!

When a skinny thing complains about being soooo fat. I just tell her, "You can lose that weight! Just eat right and exercise!! Maybe you can sign up at a gym? Get in shape, that would be GREAT for you!!

Wow! Should you not talk about bad spellers in front of people who can't spell. Give us a few more rules to live by....

 

[U2_rocks!]

No, but if one is an acceptable weight for their height and goes on and on about their weight, it's irritating.

"Acceptable" weight by whose definition though? I believe there are plenty of different definitions out there. Not trying to be argumentative - I just think that it's very subjective. There is no one definition of "acceptable weight". And, I might fall within some medical association's range of "healthy" weight, but it doesn't mean that I feel comfortable carrying that weight, especially if I have been lighter in the past and would like desperately to be lighter once again!

Also, we all know that "healthy" weight and "socially acceptable, look good" weight are 2 different things!

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

My take has always been that if a thin person thinks they are fat then they must think I'm a friggin cow. Having someone basically call me a cow is pretty offensive. I think most people who say that stuff aretrying to get a response like "oh, you are so thin, you don't need to lose a pound"... I will not give those answers. I tell them they are right... "boy those pants are looking a bit tight!"

OMG, That is hilarious! I'll have to remember that one!

What I find worse are people who give me unsolicited advice on how to lose weight, or the medical problems I could face.... by the way those health problems are very minor despite all the hoopla. I've found fat people tend to know more about how to lose weight than thin people... we just don't apply it! Like Alice said, "I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

I agree that it is annoying when people assert that they know all about how I "should" be living or how I "should" lose weight. I also hate it when people make assumptions about my health problems. I have been told many times that "if only you'd lose weight you would not have so many problems." Mind you, my own doctors don't tell me that. Why? Because my doctors know that years on prednisone made me fat. But try telling that to some thin people who know everything about weight problems; they always, always, always know more than my doctor. I finally got fed up with it once and told a friend who started on the "you're sick because of your weight" kick that "wow, you know more than my doctor does! He thinks my wieght is because of autoimmune problems and the medications I have to take for it!" That person blushed big and never mentioned it again.

I have read the debates on the DIS before and usually opt to stay out of them. I've seen it here many times; people arguing about how and why people get fat. Many people can't accept that there are differences in metabolism, that medication can cause obesity, and that illness can affect thyroid efficiency. To those people, I would love to see somebody shove 80mg of prednisone down their throats for two years and then shove their fat butts on a scale. I bet they wouldn't know so very much then.

I think another thing that happens a lot is many thin people can eat and eat and eat and eat and still not gain weight. I suspect those people look at an overweight person and think to themselves, "wow, I sure eat a LOT and I'm skinny; that person over there who is fat must eat non-stop 24 hours a day seven days a week." What they don't realize is that some people can consume 4000 calories a day doing a desk job and not gain wieght and people like myself can consume 1000 calories a day and gain weight even on an exercise program.

 

[punkin]

"Acceptable" weight by whose definition though? I believe there are plenty of different definitions out there. Not trying to be argumentative - I just think that it's very subjective. There is no one definition of "acceptable weight". And, I might fall within some medical association's range of "healthy" weight, but it doesn't mean that I feel comfortable carrying that weight, especially if I have been lighter in the past and would like desperately to be lighter once again!

Also, we all know that "healthy" weight and "socially acceptable, look good" weight are 2 different things!

Agreed. I am have a medically acceptable BMI of 24 (high side of normal) but I feel fat because I am very small boned and am currently 20 lb over what I consider my "ideal" weight (which is also medically acceptable).

 

[KirstenB]

I think it's just boring to discuss weight as a topic in general anyway. A quick vent, no problem, the conversation moves on. But to go on and on about it, come on, the person's being a bore at that point.

 

[U2_rocks!]

I think it's just boring to discuss weight as a topic in general anyway. A quick vent, no problem, the conversation moves on. But to go on and on about it, come on, the person's being a bore at that point.

You're right - in fact, going on and on about anything is a bore!

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

Wow! Should you not talk about bad spellers in front of people who can't spell. Give us a few more rules to live by....

I don't think her list is unreasonable. For example, it just seems like common sense that if you are 5'7" and weigh 130 pounds that you don't sit there and rant and rave about how "fat" you are in front of your best friend who is the same height and weighs 230 pounds. I don't think anybody is talking about two people in this situation where the weight difference is ten or twenty pounds! It's when there is a very huge difference that it becomes insensitive. I'm overweight, but I have a very dear friend who is much larger. I never complain too much about my wieght around her because I know it is hurtful.

And I also agree with the acne. I once had horrid acne. When I was 30 I went on accutane and now I get only a few breakouts a year and those are small compared to what I used to get. I cannot imagine being so hateful as to complain about a few zits while standing next to somebody who is suffering from the severe disfiguring kind of acne.

I'm starting to get a few gray hairs. I don't like it at all! However, I don't complain about it around people who have a head of gray hair. It just seems kinda obnoxious to do so!

I have a child. I don't brag about how easily I got pregnant around somebody who is infertile.

I have a few gaps in my teeth that I hate. I'm very self-conscious of them even though I realize they aren't "that" bad. I would never complain about them in front of somebody whose teeth were much worse than mine.

I go to Disneyland each year. I also have a lot of friends who can't afford to go. I don't boast about my yearly trips to them. I mention that I'm going and unless they ask, I say nothing more about it.

I have pretty significant health problems that have changed the direction of my life and more often than not I'm the sickest person in the room. However, I know a woman who just had both her breasts removed and is still struggling to beat cancer. Believe me, I don't complain about my health problems around her! My stuff is small next to her battle to stay alive.

It's just basic consideration. Why is it such a bad thing to just try to be considerate to people who have less money or who have more problems than you do? This isn't PC running amuck or some impossible list of rules to live by. It is just being kind and gracious; it's about being a friend to people. It's about trying to enhance the self-esteem of other people and not tear it down.

And by the way, I do understand that you can be a medically acceptable wieght and still wish to lose some. I think that is fine. I'm just willing to guess that most 130 pound people who want to lose weight have friends that are not 230 pounds that they can talk about it with! Always remember, friends try to help friends feel good about themselves. If the discussion you are having is making somebody feel like crap about herself, are you being the kind of friend you wish to be?

 

[believe]

I think it is sad that individuals need to watch every word they say as to not offend someone.

I know that 90% of individuals that look at me think I am not overweight, but if you look at the BMI index I am. Looks can be deceiving and for someone who was majorly overweight growing up I tend to worry a lot about my weight and trying to not go to the extreme again....so I am one may not say I am fat, but will say I need to lose weight.

 

[Michie]

Well, it is good to hear the other side of the coin. I'll try not to take it so personally from now on (although it'll still probably sting!).

I've said this a few times, but I do not have an issue with other people focusing on their weight. But maybe it would be nice if they could see where some of the comments would be insensitive to those around them.

But where do you draw the line? I know people whose kids are troublemakers do I not speak of my kids who are not troublemakers around them? Do I not speak about my DH around somebody who might be having marriage problems or going through a divorce, or maybe is still single? I was in a bit of an accident recently and suffered numerous injuries, a friend of mine came to visit me and was venting about her shoulder hurting her but I did not find that offensive

 

[Briarmom]

I think it is sad that individuals need to watch every word they say as to not offend someone.

Well said.

I have gained a few pounds since moving. I don't have a lot of the freedoms to eat healthfully here. I can tell that my pants don't fit as well and some things don't look flattering at all.

If I complain about MY weight or how I feel, it is about me. I've been fat so I know what that feels like. I just don't want to go back there, and I am worried that I am going to. Those are MY worries. If I share them with a friend, I hope she will be supportive.

 

[suzannen]

Every woman I know is unhappy with something about her body and the majority have an issue with their own weight. They are usually only focusing on their weight NOT your weight. As other's have mentioned "it's not all about you!" Whenever I gain 10-15 pounds, I feel completely ungainly, uncomfortable, my clothes no longer fit, and I become very unhappy with myself. I don't publicly announce I'm going on a diet, I just start watching what I eat and work out more often. Yet, invariably during this time, my MIL or SIL will try to force me to eat tons of desserts. When I simply say "no thank you," they instantly start belittling me like "oh, please don't tell my YOU'RE on a diet, what a joke, just eat the cake and shut up!" And, they won't stop until I eat it. You don't think that hurts me? Are they the only ones allowed to say anything or to diet because they are larger? Sorry, we all have our insecurities, hang ups and issues, and they are all valid.
How about we ALL try to be a little more caring about others feelings on all of these personal issues?

 

[Dakota_Lynn]

Every woman I know is unhappy with something about her body and the majority have an issue with their own weight. They are usually only focusing on their weight NOT your weight. As other's have mentioned "it's not all about you!" Whenever I gain 10-15 pounds, I feel completely ungainly, uncomfortable, my clothes no longer fit, and I become very unhappy with myself. I don't publicly announce I'm going on a diet, I just start watching what I eat and work out more often. Yet, invariably during this time, my MIL or SIL will try to force me to eat tons of desserts. When I simply say "no thank you," they instantly start belittling me like "oh, please don't tell my YOU'RE on a diet, what a joke, just eat the cake and shut up!" And, they won't stop until I eat it. You don't think that hurts me? Are they the only ones allowed to say anything or to diet because they are larger? Sorry, we all have our insecurities, hang ups and issues, and they are all valid.
How about we ALL try to be a little more caring about others feelings on all of these personal issues?

I could not possibly agree more with this statement. Everybody should expect sensitivity and empathy from their friends and family!

 

[BibbidiBobbidiBOO]

I am a perfectly healthy weight for my height and my BMI is 22. BUT I DO NOT LIKE MY THIGHS. THAT is where my fat is. And I WILL tell this to friends. It is my worst feature, imho! When I say this I am not at ALL thinking of the others persons weight. They are my friends and we talk about everything.

 

[Wishing on a star]

my MIL or SIL will try to force me to eat tons of desserts. When I simply say "no thank you," they instantly start belittling me like "oh, please don't tell my YOU'RE on a diet, what a joke, just eat the cake and shut up!" And, they won't stop until I eat it. You don't think that hurts me? Are they the only ones allowed to say anything or to diet because they are larger? Sorry, we all have our insecurities, hang ups and issues, and they are all valid.

well said!

And, it really looks like those who are encouraging you to eat are SABOTAGING you. It may be subconsience, but women can be the worst backstabbers.

Tell them that you are perfectly capable of deciding what you would like to eat. PERIOD.

This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. There was recently another similar thread about people who think they are eating so 'healthy' commenting and being judgmental about every bite that others around them were eating. Encouraging somebody to eat is JUST AS BAD!!!!!!

When will people learn that discussing what others eat, or do not eat, is just plain rude and is off limits.

My MIL infuriates me to no end with this.
Last time we ate with her, she botched a new meatloaf recipe so bad that we simply could hardly eat it. My DS hardly ate. Later, he is in the kitchen looking for something to eat, so I tell my DH to help him find something to eat. MIL is just right-there, practically telling us just what we should be putting on my son's sandwich. Ummmm, I think a person can make their own sandwich the way that they like it, thank you.

Next thing I know, we are eating with my sister. She orders an appetizer of chips and hummus. Now, I can guarantee that this was the nastiest stuff that I have ever seen placed on a table. Nasty, gloppy, stuff that is like at least half horseradish. Nothing that most little kids would want to eat. Certainly not my son who has sensory issues and does not like anything that is super strong or spicy. My sister was actually taking chips and scooping up a ton of that nasty stuff and then handing to to my little son, expecting him to eat it just because she was offering it. I finally just reached over and took the third or forth chip she had pushed on him out of his hand (cause he was just sitting there like, what do I do with this thing....) and layed it over on my dish on the table.

People need to to leave other people alone when it comes to what they like, or do not like, to eat.

Commenting on what others eat is simply taboo.
You simply do not do that.
It is rude.

And, you know what.
It is a huge control issue with those who have control-issues.

PS: I do think that that list of 'rules' was way to PC for me. It is just incredible that we live in a society where we are forced into being so strictly politically correct where we cannot even voice our own views... But yet manners and respect and civility have been thrown out the window.

 

[California Girl]

I don't think her list is unreasonable. For example, it just seems like common sense that if you are 5'7" and weigh 130 pounds that you don't sit there and rant and rave about how "fat" you are in front of your best friend who is the same height and weighs 230 pounds. I don't think anybody is talking about two people in this situation where the weight difference is ten or twenty pounds! It's when there is a very huge difference that it becomes insensitive. I'm overweight, but I have a very dear friend who is much larger. I never complain too much about my wieght around her because I know it is hurtful.

And I also agree with the acne. I once had horrid acne. When I was 30 I went on accutane and now I get only a few breakouts a year and those are small compared to what I used to get. I cannot imagine being so hateful as to complain about a few zits while standing next to somebody who is suffering from the severe disfiguring kind of acne.

I'm starting to get a few gray hairs. I don't like it at all! However, I don't complain about it around people who have a head of gray hair. It just seems kinda obnoxious to do so!

I have a child. I don't brag about how easily I got pregnant around somebody who is infertile.

I have a few gaps in my teeth that I hate. I'm very self-conscious of them even though I realize they aren't "that" bad. I would never complain about them in front of somebody whose teeth were much worse than mine.

I go to Disneyland each year. I also have a lot of friends who can't afford to go. I don't boast about my yearly trips to them. I mention that I'm going and unless they ask, I say nothing more about it.

I have pretty significant health problems that have changed the direction of my life and more often than not I'm the sickest person in the room. However, I know a woman who just had both her breasts removed and is still struggling to beat cancer. Believe me, I don't complain about my health problems around her! My stuff is small next to her battle to stay alive.

It's just basic consideration. Why is it such a bad thing to just try to be considerate to people who have less money or who have more problems than you do? This isn't PC running amuck or some impossible list of rules to live by. It is just being kind and gracious; it's about being a friend to people. It's about trying to enhance the self-esteem of other people and not tear it down.

And by the way, I do understand that you can be a medically acceptable wieght and still wish to lose some. I think that is fine. I'm just willing to guess that most 130 pound people who want to lose weight have friends that are not 230 pounds that they can talk about it with! Always remember, friends try to help friends feel good about themselves. If the discussion you are having is making somebody feel like crap about herself, are you being the kind of friend you wish to be?

She didn't say anything about friends....she generalized about what never to say in front of fat people, people with bad complections [sic] and pregnant people.

In a social setting, how am I supposed to know someone is infertile while I, on the other hand, got pregnant easily? "Sorry if this offends anyone, but I got pregnant easily." That's just ridiculous.

What's the point of taking a vacation if you can't talk about it?

Do you not drive a new car or live in a nice house if you can afford to for fear of offending someone who can't?

It is PC run amok. People are self possessed. You had no trouble listing all the things about yourself that you don't like or are the unfortunate victim of, but it's silly to expect anyone who is a casual friend of yours to know all of your sensitive areas. According to what you think, every adult who gets braces, or mentions getting braces, is secretly trying to make you feel like crap. How realistic is that? Sorry, I can't be your friend any more because when I see you with your braces, I think about my own sensitivity to my teeth. The real trouble is no one accepts herself the way she is.

You assume that everyone who has gray hair is sensitive about it. You assume everyone with "bad" teeth actually cares about it. Your basic assumption is that everyone is hypersensitive to all comments, and I just don't buy that assumption.

Lots of people are really comfortable with who and what they are. Let them be so, and talk freely around them.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, I agree CaliforniaGirl,

The premise of 'not saying anything about yourself or your feelings because it just MIGHT possibly offend somebody' is nothing less than Political Correctness run amok!!!!

It is rude to call somebody a fat cow.
It is NOT rude to vent about having gained a few pounds and to call YOURSELF a fat cow.

To the person who would take offense at a simple comment, then that is their own issue. Where is that 'I am offended thread'. Man, you can go thru life being offended by everything if you let yourself.

Disclaimer here: Now if the other person is truly going on and on is truly starting to be disrespectful, then, YES, that happens to be a rude disrespectful person. You can just call it like you see it, and let it go, or you can spend the whole next few days being offended.

 

[C.Ann]

It's happened to me before. I'm overweight. What really iritated the heck out of me was a THIN girl on a talk show a few years ago saying how concerned she was that she was too thin. If that was her problem, SHE SHOULD EAT!!! I'm sorry, but I don't have pity for people like that.

------------------------------------------

I have been very thin all my life - and yes, I complain about it! I have tried everything under the sun to GAIN weight - medications; weight-gaining products; stuffing myself till I feel like heaving; eating huge banana splits every single night before I go to bed - and eating does not solve the problem.. Maybe it's my metabolism - I don't know - but being underweight can be painful too.. I rarely can find clothes that fit properly and I have to deal with the "Don't go outside without a rock in your pocket" jokes - along with many, many others.. People who are overweight aren't the only ones that have problems.. If it's okay for you to say to that girl "Just eat!", is it okay for her to say to an overweight person, "Just STOP eating!!" - ?????

 

[inaminute]

Does this annoy you? How do you react?

It doesn't bother me when it's friends or co-workers. It does bother me when I'm on an elevator or at the pool or a restaurant and perfect strangers start talking about weight loss programs in a tone that ensures I hear them.

I've had it happen a lot of times. Maybe having an overweight person around reminds them that they, too, think they have a problem? Or, maybe they really are trying to send a message? Whatever the motivation, I do think it's rude, but what can you do? I certainly cannot control what or how they think.

It bothered me when it first happened. Now, I just ignore it. If they feel better about themselves to judge me based on the one thing they know about me, then go for it. As long as they're talking about me, they're leaving someone else alone.

 

[MushyMushy]

I think it is sad that individuals need to watch every word they say as to not offend someone.

I know that 90% of individuals that look at me think I am not overweight, but if you look at the BMI index I am. Looks can be deceiving and for someone who was majorly overweight growing up I tend to worry a lot about my weight and trying to not go to the extreme again....so I am one may not say I am fat, but will say I need to lose weight.

See, I'm just the opposite. I think there'd be a lot fewer problems in the world if people would watch what they say and be more considerate of others.

 

[MushyMushy]

------------------------------------------

I have been very thin all my life - and yes, I complain about it! I have tried everything under the sun to GAIN weight - medications; weight-gaining products; stuffing myself till I feel like heaving; eating huge banana splits every single night before I go to bed - and eating does not solve the problem.. Maybe it's my metabolism - I don't know - but being underweight can be painful too.. I rarely can find clothes that fit properly and I have to deal with the "Don't go outside without a rock in your pocket" jokes - along with many, many others.. People who are overweight aren't the only ones that have problems.. If it's okay for you to say to that girl "Just eat!", is it okay for her to say to an overweight person, "Just STOP eating!!" - ?????

C.Ann, I agree with you and see your point. I've had friends who were extremely underweight who had to deal with a lot of comments about their weight.

But the thing is, look at what the media glorifies. It's not the 200 pound woman, it's the woman who's stick thin. People aren't typically disgusted by overly skinny people. While the comments you hear are hurtful, is it said in disgust, like you're some kind of disease?

When my friends and I have had honest and frank weight discussions, we've always agreed that being underweight is far preferable to being overweight. I have yet to hear one of my thin friends say they wish they had our problems, but the reverse is usually true with the overweight friends say they wished they had the thin woman's problems.

I wish we lived in a world that could look past all that.