Does Marriage Counseling Really Work?

[kmp1191]

Just to add my 2 cents in...after going to 6 or 7 counselors....through church, through insurance co. and through work program, we finally found one that we both agreed could be a mediator and not take sides. I got up and walked out of 2 meetings because they weren't seeing the BIG picture....it took 7 years for us to become distant and resentful, and I wasn't going to accept the fact that the counselors, whom had just met us, continually said, he's changed....WTH...in one week?? I don't think so. I told them to go live with him and let me know what they thought!! I actually had our church counselor say..."You're not being the obediant wife." I said, "Yeah, well I'm originally from Chicago and I don't have to be obediant!" then I walked out.
Like I said, we finally found one that we both liked and we both felt we could talk to. It took several months of weekly sessions, both individually and together for us to see the light. Now, almost 4 years after counseling, we are happier than we've ever been, and I can't wait to see him when I get home from work. While there was once a time that I couldn't imagine another day with him, now I can't imagine a day without him.

I think you have to find the one that fits. Good luck and
If you love him, it will be worth it!

 

[Rajah]

I don't know about pairs counselling, but I do know that individual counselling has helped improve our marriage on my side. And I wasn't even *going* specifically for marriage issues. So yes, it can help.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

Good luck and
If you love him, it will be worth it!

More than anything.Thats why I will not give up without a fight

 

[DMickey28]

Misty,

I am sorry you are going through this. I haven't read all the replys yet, I am sure you have a lot of good ones. I have only been married for a year and half and we have had our struggles big time. I ended up going into counseling by myself and I can see that the path "I" was on would ruin my marriage eventually.

I don't know the circumstances around it, but if you feel that your actions towards your husband are the major contributor to the situation you need to take care of yourself first. Are you still able to communicate with your husband?

Hugs...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

More than anything.Thats why I will not give up without a fight

Good for you! DH and I have reinvented our relationship many times.
I wish you well!

 

[minkydog]

I have a question (I should probably use an alter ego to post this, but what the heck). I have this book and was going to read it, but haven't. The main reason is that my DH has been such a PITA lately that the thought of ME making changes and working hard to improve the marriage while he reaps the benefits doesn't sit well with me.

But then I think that that is a selfish way of thinking on my part and that I should read the book and that if our marriage is improved it doesn't matter who does the changing and that the important thing is that change is taking place. Also, I'll think that if he starts to see a positive change that he'll start to work to improve things from his end.

But then something will happen that will again drag us down and I'll get discouraged again. So basically my pissy, premenopausal-self wins--not good.

Since you've read the book before can you comment on my concerns?

And of course I know exactly what you are going to say so why am I even asking?

Sorry to hijack the thread!

It's been a long time since I read that book ,but I thought it was very good. Changing myself from a critical perfectionist B**** wife into a flexible tolerant loving wife took a long time, but it paid off not just in my marriage but with friends, work, and children. I became easier to get along with all the way around. I"m a much better mother for it, too.

The only way marriage counseling will work is if both partners are willing to work hard at it, forgive the past, and treat each other with kindness. If one spouse has already opted out, then the marriage won't be saved. But that doesn't mean that counseling failed. In fact, counseling can help you figure out why you do the things you do and help you prevent those things in the future. I encourage the OP to seek counseling for herself if her DH won't go.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

You know...I understand...BELIEVE ME!!!! I am also a pissy premenopausal... Esp. last week!!!!

Do I get pissed at him? You betcha. But that is normally about kids, house and finances. The "business" end of the marriage. Things have to get worked out.

I have seperated that from the "intimate" realtionship I have with him. Men do not connect the two, women do.
When you connect the two it really becomes a power struggle that has no end.

I have NO TIME for that malarky anymore. I want to be happy, cuddle with my dh, have a nice life.

I am sure this makes no sense to you!!!!

You all have raised some good points and of course logically I know all of it is true. I will read the book. We are both very dedicated to the marriage, which is a big thing to have going for us.

And Mystery Machine, actually it did make sense to me!

Thanks for all who gave comments about the book!

 

[FreshTressa]

I don't know about counseling, but the book "divorce busters" saved my marriage.

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

It worked for us. We had reached a point in our marriage where we avoided each other as much as possible. and when we spoke to each other, it was to criticize. I went to a councelor expecting him to tell me that I needed to lose my DH. Imagine my surprise when he pointed out that both of us needed to work on our own problems, and then learn to work on our marriage. It was not easy for either one of us, and to be honest, it got worse before it got better. But I am so glad that we took those steps. You see, neither one of us was staying in the marriage for the right reasons, and there was so much resentment on both sides. Once we worked on our individual issues, we concentrated on our marriage, and how much we still loved each other. We had lost that for a while.

Whatever you do, you need to do it for yourself. If you decide that a councelor is for you, then go. The rest will follow. Best of luck to you.

I agree completely with Nancy. My DH and I went through a similar experience. For us, the counceling worked. If you find the right person, they make both partners look at themselves. It was really hard for me because we started going for a problem DH had, and then I had to look long and hard at my own behaviours and resentments.

As Nancy said, it can get worse before it gets better, but it really did get better.

We both are completely committed to the marriage, and we weren't looking to leave it, but we needed things to change. And it took (and still does take) a lot of work. But it's so worth it.

Whatever you decide, here's a big

 

[Nancyg56]

As Nancy said, it can get worse before it gets better, but it really did get better.

We both are completely committed to the marriage, and we weren't looking to leave it, but we needed things to change. And it took (and still does take) a lot of work. But it's so worth it.

Whatever you decide, here's a big

I think that the commitment is what makes the difference. When we married we both agreed that it was forever, and wanted to make it work. neither f us could understand how it seemed so easy for some people to marry and divorce when the process was so painful.

I am so happy that we invested so much of ourselves into the counceling because we are so very happy now. Not that we don't have ups and downs, but that we know that this too will pass. We also took responsibility for our own actions an stopped blaming each other for our own deficits.

Best of luck to you wherever this takes you.

, Nancy

 

[mickeyfan2]

I have never been, but for the people I know who went, if both were committed to try they did have success. Good luck and hope you have a postive result. Your son is so cute.

 

[laura001]

In my case marriage counseling worked, DH and I were in counseling for about 3 years, yes, that long! There were a lot of problems to say the least and a lot of changing and healing that had to go on. The marriage counselor told us from the onset that it would be a long haul for us and obviously a lot of money, she did promise us however that if we stuck it out, worked hard and listened to her that we would end up having a strong and gratifying marriage. Well, she was soooooooo right!

We are close to a year now out of counseling (we still go about once every 6 weeks to stay on track), and I am not saying that we have no problems, but we now deal with them quite differently. The biggest problem that we have now is money, which was never a problem before, but we used every extra penny we had to fix this thing, it was worth it though.

If you would like to PM me regarding this, feel free to, I would share with you!
The most important thing is to attend on your own even if your spouse won't, it will help you tremendously to grow and change, if your partner sees these changes he may change his mind. Also..........find someone that is going to be STRONG (firm, yet understanding) WITH YOU, and that has a particular plan for you and your marriage. My husband and I saw 4 different counselor's before we found that one that worked for us.

Good luck....my prayer's are with you!

 

[Tiggerlover91]

Help,We are in a Very bad situation in our marriage right now.
I have an appointment tomoorw night with a counseler.
Those of you that have done this before did it save your marriage?
I want to make it work more than anything.I have been a real B**ch for the past 7 years and I have pushed him away and been very ill and hateful towards him to where I really dont think he Loves me anymore.
I take full blame for it and I am so sorry for what I have put him through.I dont know why I have been that way,I just have been through so much.The bad thing is that he is the one that has had to pay for it.
He told me he would not go to counseling with me,but I did get him to say he would think about it.
Please let me know how it worked out for you.I am just so upset and I dont dont to lose My DH and my marriage.

Thanks,
Misty

DH and I have been to counseling and it did work. We had sessions together and I had sessions privately. Got to admit a lot of things I thought I never would. However, I bolded something in your quote because I want to make sure you understand this...the counselling DID NOT save our marriage, G-d did!! Period point blank. The counselling was a BIG help though and I'm so glad we did it.

You may PM me if you have any personal questions. I don't mind sharing my experience with you.

 

[arminnie]

tely that the thought of ME making changes and working hard to improve the marriage while he reaps the benefits doesn't sit well with me.

Reminds me of when a friend went to her doctor and was complaining about her marriage, etc. The doctor wanted to prescribe hormones (she was just becoming menopausal). She said "And how will my taking some pills make my husband stop being a *&$%*)."

 

[AdventurerKat]

I don't have any advice regarding counseling but I just wanted to say I hope things work out for you.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Reminds me of when a friend went to her doctor and was complaining about her marriage, etc. The doctor wanted to prescribe hormones (she was just becoming menopausal). She said "And how will my taking some pills make my husband stop being a *&$%*)."

Love it!!!

 

[WonderfulDreamer2]

I am so sorry that things aren't going well for you right now in your marriage. I was in your shoes myself (married at 21, in counseling 7 months later...and no it did not work). Unfortunately, for counseling to work, both parties have to want it to work. I had to practically drag my ex-husband to cousneling kicking and screaming (even though the reason I wanted us to go was because I was no longer in love with him becasue he had become emotionally and verbally abusive, cold, distant and quite hateful as soon as we married and moved in together) He insisted I was the one with the problem and that he was fine. He eventually caved and went to counseling. I left him a few months later and never looked back, mostly because he wasn't putting any effort into fixing the marriage and partly because I didn't love him at all anymore (I would have stayed in the loveless marriage and supported my vows even though I did not love him if he TRIED to show me a little love and support).

My older sister is just now in counseling. I hope it works for her. Her husband wants to go. But I think she ahs her mind made up already that she wants out of the marriage.

I feel that in order for marriage counseling to work both parties have to absolutely want to fix things and be committed to fixing it.

Almost identical situatuation. I wanted it to work, he didn't see anything wrong and didnt want to go. He finally went begrudgingly but refused to participate in many of the exercises. I finally had enough and asked of a divorce that he claimed he "never saw coming...thought everything was great The day I told him I wanted out was like a million pound weight was lifted off my shoulders. I never looked backed. Met my husband 6 months later (yes, quickly ) and have been together 7 years this month and have never been happier in my life. good luck with this.

 

[luvindisneyworld]

Hi Guys,Again thanks so much for sharing your experiences with me.
We did not go to the counselor today because our physicians wife is a counselor and we really want to try with her first.So she is suppose to call Monday and we will be setting up a session with her.We Love him and think we will his wife too.
We laid on the couch last night and watched a movie,something that we have not done in along time.
Then today we went out to grab a bite to eat and go to the bank.It went OK today too.He is at one of his friends house now for awhile,I think its good for both of us LOL.So I am sitting here eating yogurt and drinking water while Dising,what a way to spend Friday night .

So that is the update for now. Thanks so much,You dont know how much it means to me .

Misty

 

[ckret01]

I hope everything works out for you

 

[kmp1191]

hang in there