Originally posted by missypie
Believe me, I explode about 4 times a year. I've tried calm and rational; I've tried blunt; I've tried "it isn't fair"; I've tried temper.
Is there anyone out there who, in the secrecy of a message board, will admit that they are plain lazy - not depressed, but really just preferring to let others do as much of the work as possible? If so, is it hard to live with yourself, or do you secretly feel good for getting others to do most of the work while you do very little?
Maybe it's our Judeo/Christian work ethic, but lazy seems to be one of the worst things you can call someone in America.
Missipie,
Please understand I feel your pain here, you are extremely frustrated and I understand that. BUT, exploding 4 times a year? Do you really think that would work? Relationships are like living breathing things. They require take constant tending to.
At the risk of using your own tactics against you, don't you think it is a bit lazy to just keep piling on resentment rather than taking action (if you have been feeling this way for years, then action really hasn't been taken except for complaining)? Aren't you being a matryr if you have spent years "doing it all" while you are at the very end of your rope and have little respect, admiration or feelings left for your husband? Did you think there would be awards for that?
You seem to have the impression that your husband secretly is using you so that he can get away with doing nothing. Is that really what you think of him? If so, why are you still married? Can you not see the human being inhim any longer? Are your feelings that dead? I can't see how you could say you have stayed for the children, you don't seem to think he is a very good role model. What are his redeeming qualities?
The things you have tired, haven't worked. You don't get 'points' for 'trying'. It isn't a game. If you are truly unhappy with the way things are, it is up to YOU to make a change here. Even if that is requires you making an ultimatim, getting separated, counselling, whatever. But, you have to be prepared for the fact that he isn't happy with you either or he would be trying to please you. And if he isn't happy, he also has the right to make it known how he will and will not live. Do you think you are meeting all of his needs? You may be surprised to find that you aren't.
If it sounds like I am pushing this all off on you, well, if he were here, I would be telling him the same things. I am not trying to be harsh. It sounds like you are in serious marital trouble and I just am trying to ask the tough questions that need to be asked. I hope you understand what I mean.
After all that you have said, I think it is critical that you try counselling. Obviously the way you BOTH are doing things ...isn't working. I hope that you both can get help and learn to be honest with eachother. And to overcome these issues. It will take both of you to work on this, you both need to work on things. You both are to 'blame' if you want to be 'fair'.
