Does anyone else think this should not be done in Middle School? (long)

[RitaZ.]

Originally posted by Gupsmom
C. Ann

I don't have much of an opinion about the flowers. I guess I think I handled the years I didn't get one w/o a problem. As for the people that are saying it's encouraging dating in middle school. I'm not sure. There were a few kids I knew that were dating in middle school but for the most part, flowers were given to friends. Even the ones that were "dating" weren't very interested in showing it off...too much teasing.

As for the rejection causing suicide.....I think kids would be better off if we let them have a bit more rejection and at a younger age. Today's parenting experts tend to go so overboard with protecting self esteem that there actually doing just the opposite. They're setting kids up for a Huge fall. I think we've gone too far with trying to make it out like all kids are the same..no academic tracking, no contests, no score at games (always a tie) etc. I mean, I do understand that there is more to life than winning (and I have little tolerance for the parents that are overly competetive) but competition is going to be a natural part of life. So is disappointment. Instead of trying to protect kids from all of it, maybe we should be teaching them how to deal with it.

Again...I'm not saying I don't understand what you (and others) are saying about the floweres. I was anything but popular in middle school and sometimes it just plain sucked...but I think I learned to go my own way and not be so concerned about what others were doing/saying.

Jess

Very well said!!!!

 

[C.Ann]

Didn't an adult just post on this thread how upset she was when a co-worker laughed at the modest flower arrangement her DH sent her on Valentine's Day?

My beef is with the fact that the school officials are going out of their way to create an additional exclusionary activity - and all for the sake of a pathetic fund raiser to boot..

It's cruel and unfeeling - and whatever "good" may come out of this fund raiser is completely cancelled out by the VERY high emotional costs to the children who are left out..

 

[Evil Princess]

Originally posted by C.Ann
It amazes me how many people see this as "no big deal" - and proclaim, "I got over it.."

Do you have any idea how many school-age children attempt - or are successful at - committing suicide each year? And how many of those suicides are due to INCONSEQUENTIAL things that others shrug off as "Oh well" ??

This is not simply about receiving or not receiving a flower.. It's the message that comes with it - that is out there for all of their peers to see.. "No one likes you.." "You're ugly.." "You have no friends.." "You'll never get a date.." "Ha ha! I got 10 carnations and you didn't even get ONE!"

Kids are cruel enough without the ADULTS creating a platform such as this for that kind of cruelty..

If they insist on doing this, then the least they can do is to make sure EVERY child gets a flower - even if it's signed from "A Secret Admirer"..

To single children out at an age when a pimple could push them over the edge into holding a shotgun to their head is WRONG and the powers that be at these particular schools should be ashamed of themselves..

Where do you draw the line though? Honestly, outlaw flowers, yet another thing for the school to take away from the kids. Getting carnations from my friends took my mind off the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend, it made the dreaded Valentine's Day more bearable. Simple little joys like that could make a kid's day (as well as break them...it's either or).

In middle school we used to decorate our friend's locker with wrapping paper on their birthdays...should the school not allow this practice, so that the kid with the low self esteem gets pushed over the edge? We also used to buy helium birthday balloons for our friends and tie them to her backpack on her birthday, how about banning those as well?

There's a fundraiser at our middle school called "candygrams" around the holiday season. Same thing as the flowergrams, except these have a candy cane attatched.

It isn't that I don't have compassion, I do. I had horrible self-esteem in middle school, and I was in therepy for depression from 8th to 10th grade. I understand what it's like to be low, however, ask me what I learned in 7th grade math, and I really can't answer without thinking it through for awhile. Ask me what middle school was like, and I'd give you the examples of the flowergrams, my friends, the balloons, etc. It's the simple things like a carnation for fifty cents or a simple balloon that can make someone's day.

I do understand how those kids feel. I stated that I didn't get flowers when I was in 6th and 7th grade. I was never the popular girl, and there were times when I thought that no one in the world cared about me. We are all fragile during those years, however, I feel that kids aren't allowed to do so many simple things in school, why take away something else? I think that sometimes we go out of our way to shelter and coddle kids in todays world. Rejection is something that all people will deal with at one point or another. And although middle school is not adult aged, you aren't the age of a small child either.

 

[Gupsmom]

For the record...since someone asked

We didn't do flowers until high school. I never got one from a boy (just from friends) and there were a couple years I didn't get any.

If pushed, I guess I think the flowers would be better off in high school....just because middle schoolers can be mean and emotional too. But, I still think we are too "esteem" paranoid and that it is back-firing.

Jess

 

[sharbear]

This really touched a nerve with me. I have a 14yo DD who is going through a terrible 8th grade year. We go to meetings and nobody sits with her. (one girl's Mom sat with my daughter and her daughter completely ignored her and went to the "popular table").

In science she doesn't have a table partner, she had to sit alone. She does have a few friends but she's just not one of the popular girls. She plays in the band in a school where everybody in in the choir. She's in the honors classes but she's not the smartest one.

As a Mom this breaks my heart. But what do I do. I have no idea. She has times where everything is great and times where things aren't. I agree with the person who said simply "middle school sucks".

I hate these flower sales (our school does candy). It turns into a popularity contest. Who got the most. Some of the nicer teachers have resorted to sending one to all of the kids just so that everybody gets at least one "candy gram". Will the children "get over it". Sure, but why put kids through the horror of "candy grams".

I still remember being picked last in gym. I "got over it". But I wish that I never had to go through standing in that line waiting to be picked.

 

[JenBlaze]

Originally posted by Evil Princess
Where do you draw the line though? Honestly, outlaw flowers, yet another thing for the school to take away from the kids. Getting carnations from my friends took my mind off the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend, it made the dreaded Valentine's Day more bearable. Simple little joys like that could make a kid's day (as well as break them...it's either or).

Well, here's the problem: the numbers of kids who don't HAVE any friends is greater than you think.

 

[Gupsmom]

forgot about the candy-grams. I thought we did something with candy in middle school...that's what it was called.

also...our middle school didn't sell flowers but a lot of kids brought carnations to pass out to friends.

Jess

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by Gupsmom
C. Ann

As for the rejection causing suicide.....I think kids would be better off if we let them have a bit more rejection and at a younger age. Today's parenting experts tend to go so overboard with protecting self esteem that there actually doing just the opposite. They're setting kids up for a Huge fall. I think we've gone too far with trying to make it out like all kids are the same..no academic tracking, no contests, no score at games (always a tie) etc. I mean, I do understand that there is more to life than winning (and I have little tolerance for the parents that are overly competetive) but competition is going to be a natural part of life. So is disappointment. Instead of trying to protect kids from all of it, maybe we should be teaching them how to deal with it.

Jess

-----------------------------------------

And again, I will reiterate what I have already said.. Kids of that age suffer rejection every single day.. By NO means are they being "coddled" or "shielded" from rejection.. (Spend a day being a fly on the wall in a middle school and you'll see what I'm talking about..) They do have to learn to accept rejection in many different forms - and for the most part, the majority of them are.. But what no one has been able to answer for me here is: Why add an ADDITIONAL exclusionary activity as a fund raiser ??? We are NOT talking about all of the things that "always were".. We are talking about an ADDED hurtful and exclusionary activity created to raise funds for God-only-knows what..

If you - or anyone else - can tell me how that would be an emotional and psychological BENEFIT to ALL of the students, I "might" change my stand..

 

[RitaZ.]

Originally posted by C.Ann
Didn't an adult just post on this thread how upset she was when a co-worker laughed at the modest flower arrangement her DH sent her on Valentine's Day?

C. Ann, you can use my name to refer to me.

What hurt me about that whole incident was that my co-worker in a sense was laughing at my DH's gesture, not the actual flowers. I don't tie my personal worth to material things or objects. I'm very protective of the people that I love. I can handle ridicule, just don't do it to those whom I love.

We don't have to agree on this topic. You have your opinion and I have mine. Isn't life grand?

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by RitaZ.
C. Ann, you can use my name to refer to me.

-------------------------------

I'm sorry, Rita.. I didn't leave your name out on purpose - I was just too lazy to go back and find out who posted that thread..

I'm glad that the laughing didn't hurt your self-esteem (and I too would have wanted to "punch her" - LOL) but YOU are an adult.. big difference..

 

[RitaZ.]

Got it!

 

[TimeforMe]

C.Ann--
I work in a middle school and have an eighth grader here at home, so I do know exactly what you are saying. Why add unnecessary dynamics where there is already enough going on in their adolescent minds?

I am definitely not a politically correct person and this is not about political correctness. And this is a whole different ballgame than holding dances, decorating lockers, etc. The OP stated that the flowers are handed out in homeroom (I think) in front of everyone so everyone knows exactly who is getting one and who is not.

I actually am quite surprised the school allows this.

 

[gina2000]

Giving flowers can become an exclusionary exercise at a time when children are the most vulnerable. Early teenage years are fraught with insecurities and cruelty. Why put kids in the position of feeling unpopular in such a public way?

We don't do this at our middle school. Never even heard of it. I'm not in favor of public popularity contests disguised as fund raisers and I'd vote to end it if it were in my school district.

 

[tkyes]

If you - or anyone else - can tell me how that would be an emotional and psychological BENEFIT to ALL of the students, I "might" change my stand..

I can't think of 1 activity that could possibly fit into this criteria. Like others said, forget any sporting event, any dance, any birthdays, any holidays period, they can cause emotional or psychological issues with kids.

 

[Gupsmom]

tykes...

No tests at school. That might show that someone is not as smart as the others. No talant shows, art/poetry/writing displays...might show that someone isn't as talented.

Some people are more popular, some are smarter, some have a musical gift, some kids can write. What about them. when is it ok to acknowledge a childs gifts and what does it do to these kids if you don't acknowledge them. Popularity is not in line with a lot of these other things. Maybe if we stopped thinking it was wrong to say a child was gifted (tracking/advanced classes, academic contests, keeping score in a game, having an all star team....things that we are doing away with today so that no kid feels inferior), then kids would realize that they all have their own talents and not worry so much about what they aren't good at. Like I said earlier, instead of trying to shelter kids from everything, maybe we could teach them what is important and how to deal with not being successful at everything.

Also...looking back. A lot of these "popular" kids had horrible self esteem and no self confidence. So, maybe these flowers are the one thing they get to shine at. Should we be worried about pushing them over the edge too?

I just think we've become too attached to protecting our kids from any form of disappointment. You end up with pre-teens that are dealing with being told they aren't the best for the first time and they don't know how to handle it.

Jess

 

[Stimpy]

Originally posted by pjlla
Without making myself out to be a pathetic, geeky, Valentine's Day martyr, here is my story.....

That's exactly how I feel! Same thing happened to me. When I went to college, things changed completely. I now have lots of friends and still remember that pain of going home and telling my mom I didn't get anything. And you are right, I am more sensitive now to the kids who are left out. I will make sure my kids deliver valentines to everyone while they are younger and "remind" them about the kids everyone seems to forget when they are older.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

You know what I find interesting on this thread...the posters who do not see this as a big deal are the ones who have most recently been through this time in their life. The posters who are so against flowers, cards, awards, etc. are parents dealing with their children's hurts. I think it may hurt the parent more than the child (because they are seeing their child hurting). JMHO

Edited to add: there WILL ALWAYS be kids who have more friends than other kids, kids who are smarter than other kids, kids who are more athletically inclined than other kids, etc. It's called life, and there are very important lessons to be learned through watching the success of others as well as your own success. If you don't have something to strive toward, then what is life about? You could stive to be a more open person, you could strive to be friendlier, you could strive to reach out to another person who is in the same situation as you, etc. Take the disappointment and turn it into a positive. Don't just fret over it. I was picked on a lot in Middle School and yes it did hurt, but I think it also made me a better person.

 

[caitycaity]

Originally posted by Gupsmom
tykes...

No tests at school. That might show that someone is not as smart as the others. No talant shows, art/poetry/writing displays...might show that someone isn't as talented.

Some people are more popular, some are smarter, some have a musical gift, some kids can write. What about them. when is it ok to acknowledge a childs gifts and what does it do to these kids if you don't acknowledge them. Popularity is not in line with a lot of these other things. Maybe if we stopped thinking it was wrong to say a child was gifted (tracking/advanced classes, academic contests, keeping score in a game, having an all star team....things that we are doing away with today so that no kid feels inferior), then kids would realize that they all have their own talents and not worry so much about what they aren't good at. Like I said earlier, instead of trying to shelter kids from everything, maybe we could teach them what is important and how to deal with not being successful at everything.

Also...looking back. A lot of these "popular" kids had horrible self esteem and no self confidence. So, maybe these flowers are the one thing they get to shine at. Should we be worried about pushing them over the edge too?

I just think we've become too attached to protecting our kids from any form of disappointment. You end up with pre-teens that are dealing with being told they aren't the best for the first time and they don't know how to handle it.

Jess

I TOTALLY AGREE.

 

[Blondie]

Originally posted by gina2000
I'm not in favor of public popularity contests disguised as fund raisers and I'd vote to end it if it were in my school district.

Well said Gina!

 

[RitaZ.]

then kids would realize that they all have their own talents and not worry so much about what they aren't good at.

That statement is key.

EVERY child has something that they are good at, it's up to us parents to tune in to our kids and help them develop their own talents or at least provide those opportunities.

My oldest child is in middle school. He is no stranger to teasing and ridicule. Is there anyone that hasn't experienced it at one point? I know I have and did plenty of times when I was in jr. high. It's not easy to see our children hurt, there have been MANY times that I wished I could take away the hurt feelings. Unfortunately, I can't. I focus on what I can do for my children and that is to help them sort out their feelings, focus on their positive traits and also tell them that things can't always go the way they want. We tell our DS that we went through similar things when we were his age, this really seems to help him.

The more we shield/protect our children's feelings, the less they'll know how to handle disappointment later on.

BTW, DS's school sold flowers earlier this week to be delivered today. If he did get one in class, he would be terribly embarrassed.