Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[Miss Jasmine]

Totalia, I think the integrity comment had to do with staying in a marriage and fooling around outside of it.

 

[snoopy]

I absolutely agree that sometimes divorce is the best option. But short of abuse (which could mean abuse of drugs or alcohol, physical abuse, or the mental abuse one spouse inflicts on the other from having affairs), I'd do what ever I could to keep my marriage intact. Particularly since we have children and have agreed to raise them together.

 

[jrydberg]

I absolutely agree that sometimes divorce is the best option. But short of abuse (which could mean abuse of drugs or alcohol, physical abuse, or the mental abuse one spouse inflicts on the other from having affairs), I'd do what ever I could to keep my marriage intact. Particularly since we have children and have agreed to raise them together.

Speaking from experience, one person cannot do everything it takes to keep the marriage intact. It takes two. I took my marriage vows very seriously. But I alone could not keep my marriage together. I did everything I could. It wasn't enough.

 

[snoopy]

Speaking from experience, one person cannot do everything it takes to keep the marriage intact. It takes two. I took my marriage vows very seriously. But I alone could not keep my marriage together. I did everything I could. It wasn't enough.

I'm sure you did. You gave it your all, thats all one can really expect from you........

 

[poohandwendy]

Totalia,
I don't know why you quoted me because I have NEVER once said that people who divorce have no integrity. (and neither did Disney Doll, who I was applauding) The people I have addressed on this thread (besides MP, who isn't even married) are all MARRIED. I believe divorce is the only option for some people. To be honest, I wonder why some of the people in this thread don't just get the divorce over with rather than what they are doing. They already have mentally divorced their spouse anyways.

 

[Disney Doll]

totalia, I believe you misunderstood my point. In no way do I believe that anyone should ever stay in a dangerous or abusive marriage. Both your and your parents marriages were dangerous and abusive. And you are absolutely right, sometimes there is no other alternative than to divorce.

My comments are directed at those people who no longer "feel" like working at their fairly average, pretty normal, no bells and whistles, no skyrockets marriage, and instead, choose to go outside the marraige for the emotional and physical intimicacies that should be part of a marriage, but also choose to stay married for financial or other reasons.

If you find your "soulmate", and he's not the man you are married to, then get a divorce before you cheat.

There is a big difference between violence, abuse, and danger, and "ho hum, I am bored with my spouse, let me find a soulmate". The former are absolutely reasons for divorce, and quick! The latter are reasons for working on the marriage. I often wonder if folks put as much effort into their marriage as they do their "soulmate" how many marriages would be a lot better?

Anyhow, sorry if I did not make my point clear earlier.

 

[totalia]

I sincerely doubt that people just decide they are bored with their spouse. Years of unhappiness and misery (abuse or not) is a good reason to end it. If you can't stand the sight of each other, then the relationship is over. Do people a favor and go on with your life.

 

[AnotherDisguise]

I don't recall anyone saying anyone's marriage was perfect. Mine certainly isn't. I am happy, he is a good man and I love him very much, but he's not God. Nor am I the Blessed Mother. We have our moments, like anyone else.

It has become common in this world for people to say "well, he/she made me do this". I have said it before, and I will say it again. I have a set of values I adhere to. I have "things" that I believe in that are important to me, regardless of outside influences, other peoples' behavior or whatever. One of these is integrity, and keeping my word. When I married, I gave my word that I would be faithful to that vow and to that man. If I felt that I could no longer do that, I would change my situation, change my marriage, leave my marriage...whatever. But I would not break my word. And it has nothing to do with what my spouse, my friends, the world, my co-workers or my new "soulmate" would think. It has to do with me. And only me.

If it sounds like I am judging, well, I am stating my beliefs for myself. The OP, anotherdisguise and minnniepumpernickel all posted on an Internet bulletin board. Everyone is not going to give the response they want to hear. I do not believe in infidelity for any reason. I believe in working on your marriage to the best of your ability, until you truly feel as if there is nothing more you can do. Then I believe that one should end the marraige before one finds a new companion. These are the things I need to maintain for myself, so I can look at myself in the mirror each day.

Yes, I came to this thread and posted something personal about myself. I did it for three reasons:

1. To let the OP know that she is not the only one in a "stale" marriage, and
2. To let minniepumpernickel know that, yes, 52 year old men love sex as much as 20 year olds, and
3. Getting involved with a married man, especially when you are a SINGLE WOMAN and looking for a relationship is bad news.

I then explained that it worked for me because I am not looking for a future with anyone and have no care that "maybe he'll leave his wife."

I did not come here asking for your opinions of my lifestyle, like the other poster did, I did not ask what I should do, nor did I care to know if you thought I was being moral or not, or what it would do to my children. If you think I haven't thought these things over the last 5 years, then you're mistaken. And, I pretty much know what the "general public" thinks of this sort of thing. Heck, I felt the same way about it myself for about 20 years. I used to say the same things when I heard about this person or that person cheating. "Why would they do this, why don't they just leave?" All I can say is that you'll never know till you walk in those shoes. Everyone does what they can in their own situations. And some situations are more conducive to drastic measures than others. Again, until you stand in my place, you shouldn't judge.

But, the fact remains, that it has gotten very preachy around here. Of course, since this is a public board, you're welcome to do it and tell me a million times how you're better than this. That's fine--I will continue to read this thread with interest.

 

[Michie]

Hope I don't across as uppity or judgemental, just random thoughts from somebody that is snowed in...

One of the reasons that I was attracted and still attracted to my DH was because/is we have the same beliefs about morals and ethics. Does that make sense? I know that we are both big believers in that everybody knows right from wrong but doing the right (wrong) thing when nobody is looking is what determines the true chahracter of a person....

One thing that we have always done since getting married, is pray each morning and thank God for our marriage and to show us the way to be good/better spouses. Our marriage has always been the 1 proiority, yes before kids, careers, money etc....

I remember years ago, think Iw as about 19, was at my mothers house mowing her yard, and the married man across the street came over to talk to me. Just about this and that. Really didn't pay too much attention to him, he was OLDER. Probably 40. I remember my dear mother telling me later, it is a good idea not to befriend or even speak to married men, because if they are having marrige problems/ have a jealous wife, you are asking for TROUBLE. And getting involved with a married person, you ae hurting alot of people. Doesn't matter if you are single. And all of this advice after just talking to a neighbor for about 2 minutes.....

My DH is a very sweet nicelooking gentleman. Both of us have lost count on how many woman have tried to tell him about their marriage problems He always stops them quickly by telling them, he doesnt want to hear about it, go find a counselor. And avoids them like the plague...

It saddens me that people are in unhappy marriges, or think it is okay to add problems to an exisiting marriage by becoming involved with a married person, just dont get that part And yes there are women and men that seem to relish in seeking out friends that are in a troubled marriage...still cannot figure out those folks..other than they just don't have any ethics..

 

[Teejay32]

Good for you and good for all of us who are sticking it out. Now that we have passed judgment on the cheaters and gloated over some of our own perfect marriages, lets give some credit to the people who are trying to make the best of a not-so-great situation because we are trying to do what we think is best for our children.

whoops. I wasn't gloating, I was kind of making fun of myself.

never mind...

 

[minniepumpernickel]

I haven't had a chance to read everything new yet, since I took an aspirin but it was getting a little self-righteous. The good, married ladies chastising the sinners. Slapping the scarlet letter on the chest and gloating that my man would never do that. Apparantly a lot of women's men are out there doing that!

So....I didn't come back to argue, though. I'm not sure why I came back. LOL!

Have agreta weekend, sinners and the self-righteous alike.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Yes, I know how it feels. My husband cheated on me fairly early in our marriage. One night stand kind of thing while on TDY in the military

There is a big difference between a one night stand and an emotional affair. I think most women who've been cheated on were more bothered by the emotional intimacy then the sex.

The good, married ladies chastising the sinners. Slapping the scarlet letter on the chest and gloating that my man would never do that.

I don't think anybody who's been married more then a few years believes their spouses are immune. Most men if they are in a vulnerable place and come across a woman who is clearly willing will at the very least be sorely tempted. But that's just sex. It's the ongoing emotional relationships that are a greater risk to a marriage and families. I don't see much of judging going on here. I hear alot of good common sense. Marriage should mean something. I truly believe that even if you've fallen out of love with your husband if you work at it you can fall back into love. I believe that if two people are fairly decent, have similar values, years of shared memories, and kids they love, it's possible for one of them to save the marriage. Not guaranteed, but possible. Picture the lonely, vulnerable place you place your husbands in when you allow your marriages to remain so distant. Alot of men don't think like that or see it this way. If they find an understanding shoulder at the office, they won't even realize that it was because they were lonely that they cross the line. If a man is lonely and unhappy in his marriage all it will take is somebody who seems interested in him, who listens, who dresses a bit nice, etc.. and he could go off with her. If that's all it takes for him to go astray that's probably all it would take for a wife to do to recapture his interest.
Now, please note, I know not all men are decent. And I know that not all men who are in a rocky spot in their marriage or going to cheat.

 

[MELSMICE]

we ALL know that marriage is never perfect and that it takes work.

So.......this is the reason my DH has been getting on my nerves ALL WEEK LONG. I thought our marriage was perfect - guess I was wrong!

All kidding aside. Everyone is right, no one's marriage is perfect. I don't condone cheating spouses, I think is it is horrible thing to do & to put a spouse/family through however, I won't judge those until I walk in their shoes either.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Love is a verb, not necessarily a feeling. You marry someone so you show them love. You do this especially in the down times when you aren't feeling the love. And cheating is wrong, but lots of things we do are wrong. Once you realize you are making a mistake, pick yourself up, dust off and start fixing things. I don't know that cheating is worst then being unloving or uncaring.

 

[Disney Doll]

You know what, I am not chastising or standing in judgement of anyone, nor am I being self-righteous. I am posting my opinion.
You presume a lot about me, and what I may or may not have experienced. You haven't walked a mile in my shoes either.

You chose to post personal information on a public Internet bulletin board. Sorry if I am doing the "non-PC" thing by not saying "Hooray for you. You found your soulmate. Too bad he's not your husband but oh well...at least you found him". There is much at stake here for many people, including the innocent victims, the children. Hopefully all of you with your "soulmates" will be able to live with that.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

I have a different take on it. I think she isn't asking for opinions. I think she's trying to get someone to shake some sense into her, because she can't step away from that flame on her own. Maybe it will work and she'll leave him alone, or maybe not. But she knows what she's doing is wrong. She doesn't need the DIS to tell her that.

Well, first of all seeing a man in a totally public place isn't all that scandalous. Is talking on the phone that bad too? Let me reiterate: I did not have sexual relations"!!!! Or anything remotely close to that!

Point number two: If you are worrying about the men, why aren't you having deeper conversations with them? Why are they turning to the collective "us" for emotional support? I am not married, so I took no vows. Typical to blame the woman!!

 

[caitycaity]

Well, first of all seeing a man in a totally public place isn't all that scandalous. Is talking on the phone that bad too? Let me reiterate: I did not have sexual relations"!!!! Or anything remotely close to that!

from what you described, it seemed like you are having "emotional relations" with this man though. i personally would not like it if my dh was having the kind of relationship you described with another woman. i think that was the point others were trying to make.

Point number two: If you are worrying about the men, why aren't you having deeper conversations with them? Why are they turning to the collective "us" for emotional support? I am not married, so I took no vows. Typical to blame the woman!!

speaking of blaming the woman...isn't that exactly what you are doing here -- blaming the spouse? how do you even know what she has or has not done with her husband (and don't tell me that you know because he told you - who know if what he is telling you is true). you are judging his wife in the same way you are accusing others of judging you.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

You know what, I am not chastising or standing in judgement of anyone, nor am I being self-righteous. I am posting my opinion.
You presume a lot about me, and what I may or may not have experienced. You haven't walked a mile in my shoes either.

You chose to post personal information on a public Internet bulletin board. Sorry if I am doing the "non-PC" thing by not saying "Hooray for you. You found your soulmate. Too bad he's not your husband but oh well...at least you found him". There is much at stake here for many people, including the innocent victims, the children. Hopefully all of you with your "soulmates" will be able to live with that.

For the love of God, you are being overly dramatic. My 'friend' has a 20 yr. old going on 21. He was a Viet Nam vet, he has a really good job, and is an important man in the community.

You sound like you are just really worried about your spouse doing the same thing? Look to the spouses, not the women they seek out!

 

[minniepumpernickel]

from what you described, it seemed like you are having "emotional relations" with this man though. i personally would not like it if my dh was having the kind of relationship you described with another woman. i think that was the point others were trying to make.


speaking of blaming the woman...isn't that exactly what you are doing here -- blaming the spouse? how do you even know what she has or has not done with her husband (and don't tell me that you know because he told you - who know if what he is telling you is true). you are judging his wife in the same way you are accusing others of judging you.

What am I doing to judge the wife? He says that maybe his wife has a BF and he hopes that she does? I have no anger or bad feelings toward her. is that what you mean?

 

[Tiggeroo]

He says that maybe his wife has a BF and he hopes that she does?

Sad. Why doesn't he just be her friend.