Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[danacara]

I don't think I'd be inclined to have a laugh party at your situation, because I suspect your husband would be horribly hurt if he knew where your head was at. You're desensitized to the situation you've put yourself in, but I assure you, your kids and your husband wouldn't be. Nevertheless, you've implicitly decided that the situation isn't bad enough for you to walk away, and I hope you have your fingers tightly crossed that you and your "picadillo" never get discovered. It's amazing how a little rumor can grow into a huge tragedy, or how a kid who opens Mom's bedroom door without knocking can set off an avalanche of unexpected consequences.

What I find to be most interesting about your position: women don't usually find extramarital sex to be an emotionally healing experience. So when you say that the other man keeps you sane, I speculate you mean that he does that by talking to you, interacting with you on whatever intellectual plane you feel you're on, while your husband is not. In other words, it's not about the ***** for you ... Given that, do you know the emotional cliff you are standing on? Because I guarantee you the "other guy" is out for sex with you, and you've made an intellectual and personal investment with him, so who do you think is going to get nailed in the long run?

 

[AnotherDisguise]

I don't think I'd be inclined to have a laugh party at your situation, because I suspect your husband would be horribly hurt if he knew where your head was at. You're desensitized to the situation you've put yourself in, but I assure you, your kids and your husband wouldn't be. Nevertheless, you've implicitly decided that the situation isn't bad enough for you to walk away, and I hope you have your fingers tightly crossed that you and your "picadillo" never get discovered. It's amazing how a little rumor can grow into a huge tragedy, or how a kid who opens Mom's bedroom door without knocking can set off an avalanche of unexpected consequences.

What I find to be most interesting about your position: women don't usually find extramarital sex to be an emotionally healing experience. So when you say that the other man keeps you sane, I speculate you mean that he does that by talking to you, interacting with you on whatever intellectual plane you feel you're on, while your husband is not. In other words, it's not about the ***** for you ... Given that, do you know the emotional cliff you are standing on? Because I guarantee you the "other guy" is out for sex with you, and you've made an intellectual and personal investment with him, so who do you think is going to get nailed in the long run?

Dana,
Without going into a whole lot of detail and also in trying to keep this thread "not about me", I just want to say that there really isn't a whole lot of *bleep* going on. I would NEVER do such a thing in my house or anything like that. Because of the restrictions, believe me, it is few and far between. The relationship is not about that. And if I'm not getting it, he (my picadillo) isn't really in it for that either. Honestly, it is one of those "soulmate" things that 10 years ago I would have rolled my eyes at. He truly is like my best friend--like I have never had before save for one or two females. I honestly know that if the physical side had to end, we would always still have that. I have known this man for 10 years. This isn't your typical roll in the hay.

And for what it's worth, *I* am the one who initiated this many years ago and, at the time, I was looking to have some fun, one-night-stand kinda stuff. Unfortunately, it made us better friends. I really thought it would burn out in a few months. It didn't. Now, we are sort of like an old married couple, but it's really nice--like the way I guess I thought my marriage "should" be.

As far as getting nailed in the long run? I'm not interested in getting married again.

 

[poohandwendy]

Note to Minnie...this (another disguise) is the sort of life the path of that married man leads to^^^^^ take note. Is that sort of bitterness and jaded outlook what you want?

 

[simpilotswife]

No flames from me. I couldn't say what I would do if I found myself not "in love" with my husband any more. When I was young my answer would have been automatic - "divorce". Now that I have children who would be devastated at a breakup my answer would have to be different.

 

[poohandwendy]

By the way, this is a thread for advice--not judging or bashing. I knew this would shock some of you, but please try to hide your disgust if you can. While some of you are VERY lucky to have picked the right partner and to make all the good decisions in your life, others (like me) keep blundering through. One big mistake really does lead to many more and sometimes they are very difficult to get out of. Not because you don't want to, but because of money, bottom line. I have a decent career but I cannot really live on my own with my children in my current situation.

Sorry, I am not going to sugarcoat anything, not my style. What you are doing is wrong. Your choice, but wrong. For the love of money and personal gratification go you....

 

[Disney Doll]

anotherdisguise, everyone always thinks their situation is different, not another roll in the hay etc, but most of them do, in fact, turn out to be another roll in the hay. But, it's your hay, so have at it!

There are multiple threads going on within this one thread. We have the OP, in a loveless marriage, who seems to be looking for some guidance as to what to do. I don't think painting your personal situaiton in such a positive light, with all the soulmate baloney, really does anything to other than give the OP the unrealistic expectation that her "soulmate" is "out there".

We have minniepumpernickel, who also seems to be thinking she's found someone oh so special who has no integrity and will cheat. I get the feeling she's youngish, with not as much life experience as some, and is completely "wowed" by the fact that this older man finds her fascinating. Yet another "roll in the hay". Yet another "soulmate".

It saddens me that integrity is such a rare commodity these days. It saddens me that folks will go back on a vow. It saddens me that folks don't think their marriage is worth giving their "all" to try and save. And it saddens me that there are so many children involved in these situations, who are the innocent victims of their parents bad behavior, because you know what?? We end up with another generation of people who think that when a marriage isn't perfect, sweetness, light, romantic, passionate soap-opera wonderful then it's time to get a divorce or find another "soulmate".

I will now don my flame-retardent suit.

 

[poohandwendy]

It saddens me that integrity is such a rare commodity these days. It saddens me that folks will go back on a vow. It saddens me that folks don't think thier marriage is worth giving their "all" to try and save. And it saddens me that there are so many children involved in these situations, who are the innocent victims of their parents bad behavior, because you know what?? We end up with another geenration of people who think that when a marriage isn't perfect, sweetness, light, romantic, passionate soap-opera wonderful then it's time to get a divorce or find another "soulmate".

golf claps, cheers, bells and whistles...WELL SAID Disney doll!

 

[Lewski709]

Okay - I was a little upset last night reading this thread - I am not going to edit my post but I will say that I'm sorry I wasn't more understanding.

You were? I didn't get that feeling. I think you were just "airing" your situation. I didn't get anger out of your posts, except some toward your mom.

AnotherDisguise making bad choices is a fact of life. We all do it. HOWEVER, I think you should take a good look....a real good look at what YOU are consciously deciding to do. You think your (marriage) situation is bad, what about your children finding out about it later in life? They may develop a hate for you that can't be resolved OR even worse, chose my child as a partner and begin the same cycle. I don't want my child to have to be burdened by the bad choices you are making and I am assuming you wouldn't want that for your childrens' partner. They learn from example and if you think this is hidden well enough now, great. BUT, they will find out later.

This thread has gotten sad, but it's a reality.

to all who need them and prayers for self help, morals, integrity, respect and intelligence!

 

[snoopy]

It saddens me that integrity is such a rare commodity these days. It saddens me that folks will go back on a vow. It saddens me that folks don't think thier marriage is worth giving their "all" to try and save. And it saddens me that there are so many children involved in these situations, who are the innocent victims of their parents bad behavior, because you know what?? We end up with another geenration of people who think that when a marriage isn't perfect, sweetness, light, romantic, passionate soap-opera wonderful then it's time to get a divorce or find another "soulmate".

I will now don my flame-retardent suit.

No flames from me. Beautifully said, mte!

 

[danacara]

I totally agree, GO, Disney Doll!

Dana

P.S. my parents divorced when I was age 6 ... not too terribly traumatic, as I don't have many memories of them even being together, he was on medical rotation and was never around anyway. If you feel that you HAVE to divorce: do it when they're as young as possible, and avert the kind of pain that SeptBride2002 describes. My personal opinion, others may vary.

 

[RitaZ.]

anotherdisguise, everyone always thinks their situation is different, not another roll in the hay etc, but most of them do, in fact, turn out to be another roll in the hay. But, it's your hay, so have at it!

There are multiple threads going on within this one thread. We have the OP, in a loveless marriage, who seems to be looking for some guidance as to what to do. I don't think painting your personal situaiton in such a positive light, with all the soulmate baloney, really does anything to other than give the OP the unrealistic expectation that her "soulmate" is "out there".

We have minniepumpernickel, who also seems to be thinking she's found someone oh so special who has no integrity and will cheat. I get the feeling she's youngish, with not as much life experience as some, and is completely "wowed" by the fact that this older man finds her fascinating. Yet another "roll in the hay". Yet another "soulmate".

It saddens me that integrity is such a rare commodity these days. It saddens me that folks will go back on a vow. It saddens me that folks don't think thier marriage is worth giving their "all" to try and save. And it saddens me that there are so many children involved in these situations, who are the innocent victims of their parents bad behavior, because you know what?? We end up with another geenration of people who think that when a marriage isn't perfect, sweetness, light, romantic, passionate soap-opera wonderful then it's time to get a divorce or find another "soulmate".

I will now don my flame-retardent suit.

DD, perfectly said!

 

[Crankyshank]

Disney Doll, very well said.

I don't care what your excuses are and how to try to sugar coat it, an affair (either sexual or emotional) is wrong. Period. You made a vow and you need to really show some respect for your spouse and the institution of marriage. If you truly feel your marriage is dead, then dissolve it. If you can't live on your own, then make arrangements to co-habitate until you can afford to move out. But don't insult the rest of us that actually work at our marriages and keep our vows by pretending to be upholding yours.

you know what's really sad? Look at the children involved and what they are learning about marriages

 

[OceanAnnie]

anotherdisguise, everyone always thinks their situation is different, not another roll in the hay etc, but most of them do, in fact, turn out to be another roll in the hay. But, it's your hay, so have at it!

There are multiple threads going on within this one thread. We have the OP, in a loveless marriage, who seems to be looking for some guidance as to what to do. I don't think painting your personal situaiton in such a positive light, with all the soulmate baloney, really does anything to other than give the OP the unrealistic expectation that her "soulmate" is "out there".

We have minniepumpernickel, who also seems to be thinking she's found someone oh so special who has no integrity and will cheat. I get the feeling she's youngish, with not as much life experience as some, and is completely "wowed" by the fact that this older man finds her fascinating. Yet another "roll in the hay". Yet another "soulmate".

It saddens me that integrity is such a rare commodity these days. It saddens me that folks will go back on a vow. It saddens me that folks don't think thier marriage is worth giving their "all" to try and save. And it saddens me that there are so many children involved in these situations, who are the innocent victims of their parents bad behavior, because you know what?? We end up with another geenration of people who think that when a marriage isn't perfect, sweetness, light, romantic, passionate soap-opera wonderful then it's time to get a divorce or find another "soulmate".

I will now don my flame-retardent suit.

ITA.

A wise man once told me, "No one goes through life without stepping in doo-doo." How deeply one steps in it is the measure of the man (or woman).

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Disney Doll, Well Said!!!

I also agree with this

you know what's really sad? Look at the children involved and what they are learning about marriages

Very sad, indeed.

 

[yourtravelpro]

I've sent you a PM.

 

[Teejay32]

By the way, this is a thread for advice--not judging or bashing. I knew this would shock some of you, but please try to hide your disgust if you can. While some of you are VERY lucky to have picked the right partner and to make all the good decisions in your life, others (like me) keep blundering through. One big mistake really does lead to many more and sometimes they are very difficult to get out of. Not because you don't want to, but because of money, bottom line. I have a decent career but I cannot really live on my own with my children in my current situation.

I don't have any disgust, honestly. I had no idea what loneliness was until I was married with two kids. But I stuck to the vows and kept working at it, so today I can say...I'm still sticking to the vows and I keep working at it. Good little me, I have integrity.

(Just piping up from the peanut gallery! No argument...)

 

[chobie]

I don't have any disgust, honestly. I had no idea what loneliness was until I was married with two kids. But I stuck to the vows and kept working at it, so today I can say...I'm still sticking to the vows and I keep working at it. Good little me, I have integrity.

(Just piping up from the peanut gallery! No argument...)

Good for you and good for all of us who are sticking it out. Now that we have passed judgment on the cheaters and gloated over some of our own perfect marriages, lets give some credit to the people who are trying to make the best of a not-so-great situation because we are trying to do what we think is best for our children.

 

[Christine]

I was about to say this, Chobie. Thanks for stepping in. It was starting to get very dark and gloomy in here for all of the "pedestals" that were blocking the DIS' sunlight. I didn't think people could get their hackles up so easily. Feel sorry for the OP and some others here.

 

[snoopy]

Good for you and good for all of us who are sticking it out. Now that we have passed judgment on the cheaters and gloated over some of our own perfect marriages, lets give some credit to the people who are trying to make the best of a not-so-great situation because we are trying to do what we think is best for our children.

Just because one has a happy marriage with few bumps in the road doesn't mean we claim to be perfect, or enjoy gloating. Nor should it be implied that those of us who are happily married don't work at our marriages to keep them that way.

 

[39CINDERELLA]

quote from MAMAMIA-he reason I think its better for my kids that we don't get a divorce is that if we did get a divorce they would actually be with him more (I figured every other weekend and one weeknight or so) and I wouldn't be there to protect them from the things he says to them and to run interference for them. )
I HEAR YA SISTA!!!!!!!!