Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[Cinderellagrl]

People can keep insisting that you need to work on your marriage and make it work out. The fact is that it takes TWO people to make a marriage work. If one person has tried and tried and the other person doesn't want to make any efforts, then it's time to move on...children or no children involved.

 

[poohandwendy]

Now that we have passed judgment on the cheaters and gloated over some of our own perfect marriages, lets give some credit to the people who are trying to make the best of a not-so-great situation because we are trying to do what we think is best for our children.

LOL, not only has not one person here gloated over having a perfect marriage, the resounding feeling is that we ALL know that marriage is never perfect and that it takes work. There is not one person who has been married for a number of years that can say it has been perfect with no bumps. That is the entire point. It takes work sometimes. Not betrayal and not apathy.

But, to settle for a dead marriage and wait for the divorce...to have a long term affair instead of working out the original commitment. Sorry, that is not 'making the best of a not-so-great situation" or a solution for marital problems. I am not going to sit here and act like these are positive actions to placate anyone. They aren't. They are damaging not only to the two married people, but the family unit. And yes, the children.

Hey, but don't ask me or anyone here...go out and find a child psychologist to examine these situations if you are so concerned about your childrens well being...let me know if they give these 'solutions' a big stamp of approval.

 

[danacara]

Good for you and good for all of us who are sticking it out. Now that we have passed judgment on the cheaters and gloated over some of our own perfect marriages, lets give some credit to the people who are trying to make the best of a not-so-great situation because we are trying to do what we think is best for our children.

I think the only black-and-white truth I've seen on this thread has been that sleeping with married dudes is a uniformly bad idea. Everything else has been treated with compassion, as far as I can tell, by everyone except me. I'm not particularly sensitive, and I tell it like I see it - I realize it's brutal - but dude, if you married the wrong guy - I'm sorry. If you did it because you were young and there were other things going on - I'm sorry. If you are afriad that a divorce would traumatize your children - I'm sorry. But if you decide that f'ing around with other married people is the solution - you rather deserve the slap that you get.

D

 

[septbride2002]

You were? I didn't get that feeling. I think you were just "airing" your situation. I didn't get anger out of your posts, except some toward your mom.

AnotherDisguise making bad choices is a fact of life. We all do it. HOWEVER, I think you should take a good look....a real good look at what YOU are consciously deciding to do. You think your (marriage) situation is bad, what about your children finding out about it later in life? They may develop a hate for you that can't be resolved OR even worse, chose my child as a partner and begin the same cycle. I don't want my child to have to be burdened by the bad choices you are making and I am assuming you wouldn't want that for your childrens' partner. They learn from example and if you think this is hidden well enough now, great. BUT, they will find out later.

This thread has gotten sad, but it's a reality.

to all who need them and prayers for self help, morals, integrity, respect and intelligence!

I am cracking up laughing! Yes I am angry at my Mom - she dropped the "looking at moving in w/the guy I've only been dating for 6 months who has been previously married 3 times" bomb on me last night. LOL! So I can see why that my reflect in my post!

~Amanda

 

[chobie]

I think the only black-and-white truth I've seen on this thread has been that sleeping with married dudes is a uniformly bad idea. Everything else has been treated with compassion, as far as I can tell, by everyone except me. I'm not particularly sensitive, and I tell it like I see it - I realize it's brutal - but dude, if you married the wrong guy - I'm sorry. If you did it because you were young and there were other things going on - I'm sorry. If you are afriad that a divorce would traumatize your children - I'm sorry. But if you decide that f'ing around with other married people is the solution - you rather deserve the slap that you get.

D

Whoa!! I didn't say I'm F***ing around with other people. I just felt this thread was becoming rather self-righteous. I don't know if I married the "right" man or not. I know we are basically roommates, but we don't fight and neither one of is having affair. I'm just trying to get you all to be more compassionate to people like myself and the OP who are or have put our all into a marriage where the other person has not put anything into it.

Edited to add that I do not condone cheating and lest you are all starting to sharpen your stones, I have not violated my marriage vows.

 

[chobie]

One more thing. If I have something to say, I won't taking on a new name just to say it. I am not the OP or Another Disguise. So, I didn't get any slaps, dude!

 

[disneydragon]

Just a thought.... I think that everyone knows that affairs are wrong. That's common sense. I think the hard part for people is backing out of that fire once they've stepped into it, so they just stand there and burn. Humans are odd creatures that way. We often KNOW BETTER, but we don't DO BETTER.

This is why I completely agree with danacara, who thinks that minniepumpernickle will ignore all of the advice to stay away from the married man. MPN knows she should leave him alone... but humans are drawn to the flame of the forbidden like moths. This is where self control either comes into play, or it doesn't.

 

[snoopy]

Just a thought.... I think that everyone knows that affairs are wrong. That's common sense. I think the hard part for people is backing out of that fire once they've stepped into it, so they just stand there and burn. Humans are odd creatures that way. We often KNOW BETTER, but we don't DO BETTER.

This is why I completely agree with danacara, who thinks that minniepumpernickle will ignore all of the advice to stay away from the married man. MPN knows she should leave him alone... but humans are drawn to the flame of the forbidden like moths.

I disagree. I think Minnie WILL leave him alone.....I think she had doubts from the beginning and wanted to hear our opinion. Perhaps she has no other experience to draw on, and wanted to hear from those who do. I think if she were going to have the affair and didn't care about the consequences, she would have kept it all to herself.

 

[disneydragon]

I disagree. I think Minnie WILL leave him alone.....I think she had doubts from the beginning and wanted to hear our opinion. Perhaps she has no other experience to draw on, and wanted to hear from those who do. I think if she were going to have the affair and didn't care about the consequences, she would have kept it all to herself.

I have a different take on it. I think she isn't asking for opinions. I think she's trying to get someone to shake some sense into her, because she can't step away from that flame on her own. Maybe it will work and she'll leave him alone, or maybe not. But she knows what she's doing is wrong. She doesn't need the DIS to tell her that.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I didn't see anyone here say they have a perfect marriage, and if that is what you are looking for, I am here to say they don't exist.

 

[Crankyshank]

I definitely didn't say I had a perfect marriage. In fact I specifically stated that I've had to work extra hard at it because of outside stress.

However, I'm not settling for a dead marriage and getting some extra on the side. If it got to the point where I need to search elsewhere for what is lacking in my marriage, then I'm going to end the marriage before I start looking elsewhere.
I owe it to myself, I owe it to my husband, and if I had kids- I'd owe it to them. It's called being a grown up

 

[snoopy]

I have a different take on it. I think she isn't asking for opinions. I think she's trying to get someone to shake some sense into her, because she can't step away from that flame on her own. Maybe it will work and she'll leave him alone, or maybe not. But she knows what she's doing is wrong. She doesn't need the DIS to tell her that.

Maybe she does need someone to shake some sense into her.....whatever works. She didn't talk about wanting to be intimate with the guy, only that she felt emotionally drawn to him. Hopefully by getting some outside opinions she is able to see the forest from the trees.

 

[disneydragon]

She asked openly about how much sex a 52 year old would be interested in... Hmmmmmm..... Let's do the math. 1+1= .....

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't recall anyone saying anyone's marriage was perfect. Mine certainly isn't. I am happy, he is a good man and I love him very much, but he's not God. Nor am I the Blessed Mother. We have our moments, like anyone else.

It has become common in this world for people to say "well, he/she made me do this". I have said it before, and I will say it again. I have a set of values I adhere to. I have "things" that I believe in that are important to me, regardless of outside influences, other peoples' behavior or whatever. One of these is integrity, and keeping my word. When I married, I gave my word that I would be faithful to that vow and to that man. If I felt that I could no longer do that, I would change my situation, change my marriage, leave my marriage...whatever. But I would not break my word. And it has nothing to do with what my spouse, my friends, the world, my co-workers or my new "soulmate" would think. It has to do with me. And only me.

If it sounds like I am judging, well, I am stating my beliefs for myself. The OP, anotherdisguise and minnniepumpernickel all posted on an Internet bulletin board. Everyone is not going to give the response they want to hear. I do not believe in infidelity for any reason. I believe in working on your marriage to the best of your ability, until you truly feel as if there is nothing more you can do. Then I believe that one should end the marraige before one finds a new companion. These are the things I need to maintain for myself, so I can look at myself in the mirror each day.

 

[Planogirl]

I definitely didn't say I had a perfect marriage. In fact I specifically stated that I've had to work extra hard at it because of outside stress.

However, I'm not settling for a dead marriage and getting some extra on the side. If it got to the point where I need to search elsewhere for what is lacking in my marriage, then I'm going to end the marriage before I start looking elsewhere.
I owe it to myself, I owe it to my husband, and if I had kids- I'd owe it to them. It's called being a grown up

And I agree with you!

Outside influences can make everything seem different. This is why I asked the OP if there was more going on than the just the relationship. I don't think that any problem can be worked out without including those outside problems, if they exist.

As far as having an affair, I can understand WHY unhappy people have them. I don't think it's right though because I believe that it breaks a lot of promises and usually somebody gets burned.

 

[snoopy]

She asked openly about how much sex a 52 year old would be interested in... Hmmmmmm..... Let's do the math. 1+1= .....

LOL! Well geez, I thought she was just asking because he said he wasn't getting any from his wife and she wondered if he were lying to her or not.

I don't know what her intentions are.....I just *know* her from years on the DIS. When I first encountered minnie, she and I did not get along at all. We eventually managed to talk out our differences, and from that point, I came to the conclusion that she is a person who feels things deeply. I'm going with my gut and saying I think she will do the right thing and not get involved with this man who already has commitments to someone else. And thats all I can say about it, really.

 

[disneydragon]

Fair enough, Snoopy, but from my point of view, she's already involved with him. Maybe there hasn't been sexual intimacy, but she has deep conversations with him that he should be having with his spouse, and he's confided marital details to her about their sex life. I'm thinking that if this was your husband and another woman, you'd be thinking that they were "involved" already.

But, it's none of my concern what she does or doesn't do. I originally posted just to throw the thought out there that I don't think anyone on this thread needs to be told the difference between right and wrong. We all know where that line in the sand is. Sometimes people are just looking for something to pull them back across it.

 

[Disney Doll]

So true, disneydragon, so true.

 

[snoopy]

Fair enough, Snoopy, but from my point of view, she's already involved with him. Maybe there hasn't been sexual intimacy, but she has deep conversations with him that he should be having with his spouse, and he's confided marital details to her about their sex life. I'm thinking that if this was your husband and another woman, you'd be thinking that they were "involved" already.

But, it's none of my concern what she does or doesn't do. I originally posted just to throw the thought out there that I don't think anyone on this thread needs to be told the difference between right and wrong. We all know where that line in the sand is. Sometimes people are just looking for something to pull them back across it.

You're right, on all counts. I would be appalled if it were my husband behaving like this.

I'm just choosing to believe that she needed us to pull her on the good side of the line in the sand, and will act accordingly from here on out.

 

[totalia]

golf claps, cheers, bells and whistles...WELL SAID Disney doll!

Just because someone divorces does not mean they have no integrity and it does NOT mean they haven't given it their all.

My parents were together 27 years. 17 of those years was HELL for both of them. My mother used to cry herself to sleep at night. My father was an alcoholic abuser (physically). I remember begging my daddy to come home because the thunder and lightning of a storm was scaring me and I wanted him. I was only about 6 years old. He was at the bar getting drunk. I remember waking up at 5 am to my father stumbling in after he drove home drunk. I remember my mother putting a knife through the door jam because she was hoping he'd fall on it when he was drunk.

And yet, they went to counselling. Do tell me how you think any of those things (and I only told you a fraction of what happened) could possibly be good for ANYONE. Living that way was a thousand times worse than the divorce. I was happy when they finally split because it was finally over. The years and years of hell were finally over. I could sleep at night not being worried that my father was going to come home drunk and hit my mother or even me. We could all finally have peace in our household.

As for my husband... he cheated on me. When he'd get angry, he'd punch holes in the walls saying "It's better than hitting you isn't it?" He had to clear my friends before I could spend time with them. When I was offered the oppurtunity of a lifetime (one of my idol's offered to put me up in her home and feed me for 6 months for free to teach me paleontology which had been my dreams since I can remember) he threatened to leave me. His violence got to the point where he broke a thick sculpted tree branch (he was an artist) over his leg when he was angry and brandished it at me like he was going to hit me with it. I finally realized that for my own health, I had to get out and get out I did.

You really think that I didn't make an effort? I begged him to go to counselling with me and he wouldn't. I stayed for years after finding out he cheated and nothing got better.

Counselling will only help people if they are both willing to go. If the problems remain because one side can't be bothered to attend then the relationship will fail.

Do stop acting like everyone who gets divorced are just horrible people. No one gets married thinking they are going to get divorced. No one gets married thinking that its going to fail or that one side will abuse the other.

But you know what? Sometimes things happen that no one can predict.

Oh and I was with my husband for 4 years before we got married. My mother was with my dad for 7.

Unless you've been through it, really been through it... you can't know what its like.

Sometimes divorce really is the best option.