Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[Somedaysingleagain]

I am a long time member of the DIS, but changed my name for this thread because I have some RLF's that come here, and would hate for them to know how I feel.

Basically, I yearn for the day that my kids are grown up, and on their own so I can be single again. I would never leave my husband just because I am not as happy as I feel I should be, while the kids are young. We do not have a bad marriage. I think we have settled with each other. He has no sense of humor. I never laugh around him. If we watch something funny on TV, like stand-up comedy, I could be hysterical with laughter, and he will look at me like I have two heads. I have always been one with a great sense of humor, and I love to laugh. I don't think he loves me, and I can say the same about him.

For our anniversary, he got me a card that showed a rabbit and a cat hugging. It said "In our own weird way.." on the inside it said "we work"

To me, that tells me he has settled also. I am not miserable, but it is like I feel like am a strongly independent person being forced to live with a roommate.

If and when the day comes that I am on my own, that will be it, I will be on my own and loving it. I will not be looking for any man. I guess marriage does not work for me. It was something I always yearned for, but I didn't need it. Now, with the kids, I made my bed, I am going to sleep in it, for as long as I have to, so they can have a secure, happy upbringing.

Just wondering if other have BTDT?

 

[MELSMICE]

Obviously, at some point you & this man loved each other or you wouldn't have gotten married. Have you considered counseling to try & regain what you once had.

Lots of hugs to you. No one should live unhappy.

 

[danacara]

Kind of a startling post ... interesting, I find. No personal experience to share, beyond the fact that I have been in a relationship where I loved him passionately at the start, and somehow we burned through that and it turned into a sweet friendship without the romantic overtones. We're still friends, but a huge blessing it is that we never married ... truly.

I'm looking forward to the replies.

 

[KristiKelly]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Do you think some counseling might help one or both of you? To be honest, and I'm not trying to be critical at all, but what kind of message do you think this is sending to your children? If they see marriage as something unhappy that you just settle for they may do the same when they get grown. The same goes for, if you stay together long enough for the kids to be out of the house, again this is sending a negative message of what a marriage is all about. You wouldn't want your children to just go through the motions would you?
My parents are divorced & have been since I was a baby. My mom never got remarried & as a child there were times that I hoped they would somehow miraculously get back together. Now, as an adult, I can see why they divorced & how miserable everyone would have been had they stayed together. I am not trying to be judgemental at all, I'm just trying to think of how my life growing up would've been had my parents stuck it out for the kids. They need to learn how a real marriage filled with love looks & feels like. I think I would look into some therapy & if that didn't work then maybe look into the alternative. Who knows maybe there is the perfect person out there waiting for you. Best of luck!

 

[Mermaid02]

I can't relate- well sometimes I think dh and I both have feelings of "Why was it I married you?" but they pass and it's not long before we do remember.

Maybe a counselor could help. Together or even if you just went alone. Life is too short to not make the most of it!!

 

[danacara]

Just to speculate - I think there are more people around who feel like this OP than we could ever imagine or accept. And I think some subset of them discreetly cheat in order to cope. Therapy is always the high road - but there are a lot of lower roads to lead you out.

 

[Octoberbeauty]

Yes, I would stay. I don't think "unhappiness" is a good reason to quit a marriage. BUT I would be trying my hardest to put "love" back into the marriage. Take a weekend away together, start a date night, etc. There are a lot of good books out there with ideas that you can try. It's amazing what the little things can do. Also, I think it would be very good for you to develop a hobby; something that would make you happy and offer you some fulfillment. Just adding that kind of personal happiness into your life right now can make everything seem brighter. Good luck to you. I wish you the best.

 

[Jennifer S]

Marriage isn't easy. there are highs and lows. You loved him once right. Maybe a counselor would help you sort it out. My parents divorced when I was in High school. It was a good decision for them. Maybe it's a good decision for you maybe it's just a rough spot. You should look for someone to talk to, to help you sort it out.

the honeymoon doesn't last forever. good luck!

 

[Patty3]

A wise woman told me the secret to a lasting marriage. She said that she and her spouse had never fallen out of love at the same time. I have been married over 30 years and through the years there have been times when I wondered if I loved this man. Luckily for me, those times did not last long and our love has grown into a different kind of love. When first married, it was a more passionate love and now it is a more deep love, and a love that I do not know what I would do without him. Could it be that you still love him but just in a different way and not necessarily in a bad way? There was something there once and I would think that it is worth either trying to rekindle it or make it even better. Good luck!

 

[disykat]

For our anniversary, he got me a card that showed a rabbit and a cat hugging. It said "In our own weird way.." on the inside it said "we work"

To me, that tells me he has settled also.
Just wondering if other have BTDT?

I actually think the card is cute and doesn't say "settled" at all. If the cat and the rabbit had settled they'd be across the room from each other ignoring each other - not hugging or "working".

My dh and I are very different and I'm sure we've both wondered at times what we're doing together. I know I have. In many ways we're like the cat and the rabbit - we function well despite our differences. I read threads on here that gush how much they love their spouses and how their hearts still go pitty pat when they see him across the room. I think the reality is that while hopefully all married couples have pitty pat moments, the majority of times when you look at your spouse across a room you think "boy, he sure needs a haircut." I don't think there's anything wrong with that kind of relationship - it can't all be like in the movies.

Have you tried mixing it up with romantic weekends etc.? I know it helps dh and I when we make efforts to reconnect when things start to get dull. Whenever I start to feel like the only reason that dh and I are together is to be parents(and I admit I feel that way sometimes), I know it's time to start remembering some of the other good things in our relationship. For example we travel and do changes like moving really well together - I'd hate to think of doing those things without him.

 

[Saphire]

The first question I must ask is what was the thing that attracted you to him in the first place? Of all the men in all your world you chose him to be your beloved. Why? What was it about him? What was it about the two of you together that caused you to want to make vows with only him? This is an interesting post, and I think an important issue (love lost in a marriage), and I would like to hear your reply.

 

[Lufasponge]

I feel I can relate. I am not real happy and sometimes I wonder if I settled. There is no one else that I am seeing or considering, but I've thought about ONE person in the past. Never acted upon it, nor would I.

We are in counseling due to some ongoing problems (with him) that I believe have created my unhappiness. I've posted on them before. The counseling seems to be helping, albeit we've only been once.

I don't necessarily know if you "settle" or if you think you did because there is an underlying problem. You may need some help to find out that problem.

I think it's much easier to give up on something than it is to work at it. There have got to be reasons why you two married. Find them.

 

[mamamia]

Somedaysingleagain, OMG! I could have written that post. I feel exactly the same way. We don't fight any more than most people. But we don't laugh, we don't smile, we don't say we love each other, we don't do anything together. If its not a computer or a t.v., it doesn't exist for my DH. Sometimes he says nasty things to me. He's not really the kind of father i had always imagined for my kids. He doesn't do anything with them unless its them watching his show with him. He complains when he has to go watch them in whatever sport they are in. He complains about going to "boring" school concerts. I also feel that he belittles them and lectures them too much. If something of his breaks he just automatically starts blaming whoever's closer to him at the time; he doesn't understand that sometimes things just happen.


I even daydream about getting out of my marriage. I have seen so many of my friends go through horrible divorces and I don't think I am strong enough to go through with it. Secretly sometimes I wish that he was cheating on me so that I would have a real reason to get out! I know it doesn't make sense. Then I think about how he knows everything about me and all that we have shared and how I finally got him to see how a family vacation every year is important, etc. and I say to myself "grow up and deal with it". He does shovel the snow when it snows, he takes out the garbage and fixes all of our computers.

I don't want to put my kids in the middle of it all. I actually did have 2nd thoughts a few months before our wedding, but I dismissed them. We have been married for 16 years now.

 

[gm]

I just wanted to say I am sorry and that hope everything will get better for you.

 

[RitaZ.]

For our anniversary, he got me a card that showed a rabbit and a cat hugging. It said "In our own weird way.." on the inside it said "we work"

Well, he did get you a card. He acknowledged your anniversary, it doesn't mean that he "has settled". Are you sure that he doesn't love you? Some people are not as affectionate and demonstrative as others, yet they are loving in their own quiet way. I guess that doesn't really matter if you are not getting what you want and need out of your husband and your marriage. You said that you feel like he is your roommate, are no longer physically attracted to him? Do you feel that you chose the "wrong mate"?

I have been married almost 17 yrs. and I can't imagine not feeling love for my husband and just "living like roommates". We really don't share many interests/hobbies in common, he has his and I have mine, but we do come together for everything else.

One of my friends got a divorce 2 years ago, I think it was harder on me emotionally than it was on her. I really like her and her husband and they really struck me as the type of couple that really had a connection; shows how much I know. Anyway, they also decided to wait until the kids grew up to keep the family intact for as long as possible. When they told their DD and DS (then late teens), they both said, "It's about time". My friend told me that the kids had "known" for many years that they weren't happy together.

I understand what you are saying about wanting to keep the family together, but if you are not happy, I'm sure that your kids can see or sense it. Since you have obviously decided to stay married until the kids are grown, then I guess all you can do is work hard to make it better. Sit down with your husband and talk to him, don't tell him what you have shared with us. Do you even want to try to rekindle the love and romance that you once had? Who knows, maybe your feelings will change as things improve between the two of you. Life is too short to be miserable and unhappy, work together on your marriage and give it a second chance.

{{HUGS} Good luck to you.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side. Please make every attempt to save your marriage!

TC

 

[bsnyder]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, and going through this. Your post stirs up a lot of feelings for me.

I'm divorced, and very happily re-married. However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have regrets that I didn't try harder to keep my first marriage going. It has nothing to do with how I feel about my DH (or my ex), it has to do with how I feel about myself, and knowing that I didn't give it my all. I think I felt a lot like you say you did, and it looked easier to give up and "start over". Of course, the reality was it was VERY hard. In spite of the fact that it was hard, and I feel like I've made good things happen, for me and my children, from that point onward, I regret that I quit when things were tough in that first marriage.

Something else to think about....I have quite a few friends who's parents divorced after they were grown. It was very, very hard on them. I wouldn't assume that you're sparing your children a lot of anguish by waiting until they are older.

 

[kasar]

I would stick it out for my kids as well (as long as there's no abuse or knock-down-drag-out fights). Divorce is so hard on kids and I'd do everything I could to prevent that. If, after they were gone, and there was TRULY nothing there, I would probably follow my heart and try to be happy, even if that meant being on my own.

 

[chyam]

A saying that I keep near by and when I am feeling that I REALLY need to find someone to share my life.........."I would rather be alone than with someone wishing I were" I don't think you should settle just for the kids, it's your youth also that is being wasted and your kids need to see your laughter and happiness.

 

[Stepharoonie!]

Sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side. Please make every attempt to save your marriage!

TC