Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[momtotwo]

MP - I would suggest that you stop the "friendship" with the married man. I've been the one cheated on, and it causes alot of heartache. I always say what goes around comes around and someday it may be you being cheated on. See how you feel then.

 

[septbride2002]

But when the younger kids got older and had lived with the one parent most of their life, some (most) of them decided to "try" it out at the other parents house when they could vocalize themselves. That makes it stressful and hurtful for the children and parent who is losing the child, maybe temporarily.....maybe permanently.

Not all families have traditions. Throw Moms, Dads, MIL's, FIL's, StepMIL's, StepFIL's, StepSIL's, StepBIL's and all into the picture oh and just when you think you've covered all the bases, you have kids. Whether you are of a young age or an older age, it isn't easy and Holidays are no picnic.

No different than age 8, 9, 10, etc....

Mmmmmmm, still no different

Different and honestly, sad.

Sorry you had to do this, but I'd rather do this than see my mom unhappy.

Sounds like you may have some anger about the whole thing. I'm sorry you felt like you took on a burden you shouldn't have had to. Counseling may be good for you, too.

Counseling - been there and done that. My friend is a family therapist
I think the majority of young kids do no have to watch their family homes be sold. Typically thanks to child support or alimony one parent is able to stay in the family home. For my friends it was always decided Christmas Eve you are with Mom, Christmas Day you are with Dad. Adding step-parents and sibilings didn't change this mix. When they got older they were able to keep the same schedule.

I don't mind my Mom dating - what I did mind was how soon she started dating. The divorce took my Dad by surprise meanwhile the marriage had been dead to her for awhile. They were final in October and she had a date for New Years Eve. It is hard to watch one parent be happy when the other one is so miserable. Especially when you are worried about your Dad killing himself. Again - I think younger children are sheltered from this a little more.

~Amanda

 

[poohandwendy]

LOL, I actually thought about that.

So are we really saying that the majority of men are dirt bags? Even the single ones can end up dissappointing, and all of that stuff.

I don't want to get so jaded, that I don't trust what anyone says.

Wait a minute here...we are talking about a married man...not a single one. I never said anything about ALL men. You happen to be talking about a married man who is coming on to you, a single woman. Any...let me repeat that...ANY man who is STILL married, living with his wife with no immediate divorce proceedings in motion....has no business forming a romantic relationship at all. This is a man who cannot be trusted, I would be my next paycheck on it.

Why do you think it is jaded to think that a married man who has said he is attracted to you may be being dishonest about his marriage? Do you really think he is going to admit that he has no plans on divorce, is sexually bored with his wife, but goes home and acts like everything is fine and she thinks he still loves her?

I think you want to be naive to this because he is stroking your ego. Hey, that is human. But I don't buy for a minute the 'he is so misunderstood by his wife, lonely and would leave if it wouldnt hurt the adult kids' crap. Oldest line in the book. He is using you and you get what you deserve if you fall for it. After all, you know ahead of time that he is married.

Like I said before: It is shoplifting in a second-hand store. I hope you want more for yourself than that...

 

[Tasha+Scott]

I am not going to start a war, but unless you are a child who has been through divorce twice .... once at a young age and once at an older age, how can you say one is worse than the other? Neither is good and both cause a tremendous amount of chaos regarding mother/father relationships and children.

Marriage is work! If you think it's always going to be roses and candy, don't get married because you are in for a real disappointment. We don't need any more statistics. That's MY advice to the singles out there. To the person who said marriage is unnatural, that's hogwash. Plenty of marriages work. Marriage is a life long committment and both parties have to be willing to commit. Listen to the vows carefully. They are truly meaningful!

I basically agree with everything you are saying. When I got married I took my vows very seriously. I don't believe in divorce unless there is a very valid reason. To me abuse (of either me or my children) and adultery are deal breakers. I will not put up with either. Other than that, I believe marriage is something you should work at. So, we are in agreement there.

As far as the "how can you know if divorce is harder when you are younger or older"? Well, I am just going by my experience and that of my younger siblings. My parents divorced when I was about 13 and my brother was 11. We took it much harder than our 2 year old brother. My dad remarried and had 2 more daughters. Him and his 2nd wife divorced when their little girls were 3 and 1. I am just going by the fact that my oldest brother and I were a wreck at first. My younger brother and sisters did not take it hard at all. They honestly could care less b/c it is all they know. Now I can't compare it to those whose parents divorced in their 20s. I have nothing to compare that to at all. I am glad my parents divorced when they did. My dad made everyone miserable and we were all so much happier when he left. I think it would have been worse though if he had stayed till we were in our 20s simply b/c we would have all been miserable together. By divorcing sooner he gave us all hope for a better future than we probably would have had. I know this sounds harsh but there is so much that happened that I don't want to share. If I did share you would no doubt understand where I am coming from. But anyway, I do think every situation is different. To me, if you have a husband that is decent to you and treats your kids good, you already have it better than most women. Unfortunately my dad was a terrible husband and a lousy father. That is why I feel that way. But it may not be that way for every child or parent. So, I guess I am just stating my experiences more than saying, yes, it will be better for every family if the parents divorce when the children are younger rather than older. I honestly can't say since I don't know the OP. I just wanted to share why I feel the way I do about it.

 

[TigerBear]

Divorce hurts anytime, waiting until they are in their 20's, they can understand the reason's, and not blame themselves.

If my mother told me that she stayed in a loveless marriage with my father all of these years for the sake of me and my brothers I would literally feel like I wasted my mother's life. I don't think I could bare that.

 

[peacefulgirl]

I am a long time member of the DIS, but changed my name for this thread because I have some RLF's that come here, and would hate for them to know how I feel.

Basically, I yearn for the day that my kids are grown up, and on their own so I can be single again. I would never leave my husband just because I am not as happy as I feel I should be, while the kids are young. We do not have a bad marriage. I think we have settled with each other. He has no sense of humor. I never laugh around him. If we watch something funny on TV, like stand-up comedy, I could be hysterical with laughter, and he will look at me like I have two heads. I have always been one with a great sense of humor, and I love to laugh. I don't think he loves me, and I can say the same about him.

For our anniversary, he got me a card that showed a rabbit and a cat hugging. It said "In our own weird way.." on the inside it said "we work"

To me, that tells me he has settled also. I am not miserable, but it is like I feel like am a strongly independent person being forced to live with a roommate.

If and when the day comes that I am on my own, that will be it, I will be on my own and loving it. I will not be looking for any man. I guess marriage does not work for me. It was something I always yearned for, but I didn't need it. Now, with the kids, I made my bed, I am going to sleep in it, for as long as I have to, so they can have a secure, happy upbringing.

Just wondering if other have BTDT?

after the responses to my vent post I have today, I am glad you changed your name.

I can't answer anything for you... but I hope you find peace soon !

 

[OceanAnnie]

SDSA- Your last post. You said you are afraid to tell him your feelings about him and afraid to hear what he might say about you. I would caution you not to let that fear keep you from communicating.

You know, sometimes it's best to talk about scenarios and past events without bringing in your feelings towards the person involved. (That can come later, maybe soften it a bit.) It may be good just to attach the negative feelings to the issues at hand and let him connect the dots. Give him a chance to respond through words and action. Just give him a chance in general.

Sometimes people react to how we project ourselves. Maybe he feels like he's in a tentative postion and doesn't know what to do. (Just playing the devil's advocate so to speak.)

What do you think he would say about you? If it would be hard to hear maybe you both need to do some changing.

It isn't fair to keep him in the dark and secretly make long term plans to divorce him. Good grief. If my DH did that to me I'd feel so betrayed and deeply hurt. I wouldn't want a partner like that. I wouldn't want to be a partner like that either.

Hey, I'm not in your shoes. Easy for me to say, huh? At the very least IMHO you owe it to him to be honest and tell him in some way, shape, or form where your head is at.

Wouldn't you want the same courtesy for yourself?

 

[OceanAnnie]

MP- You had good intentions to help that guy out. Now as a good follow through, tell him if he put this much effort into wooing his wife he won't have anymore problems. Your job is done!

Don't go to the dark side. You'll hurt a lot of people. Including yourself. Stick with the single guys. Guys aren't all dirtbags. (The one you're hanging out with, well he's walking like a duck.)

 

[Deesknee]

I thought for awhile I was in an unhappy marriage. Then we seperated for a short time 5wks to be exact. that was about 17 yrs ago. I have never regreted being married to him again. There are times I feel unhappy, but I'm always glad in the long run he is sitting across the dinner table from me.

Try counseling it worked for us & I really didn't want it. He never went for it. For me... the happiness came from within.

Good luck.

 

[Immelman]

I thought I'd made a mistake after my wife and I got married and had our daughter in 1993. I went on a 4 year bender, doing things I won't post. she left me for 4 months in 1997, and my world fell apart. I learned to appreciate and rediscover what I had in the first place.

 

[totalia]

People keep acting like divorce is horrible. While it should be the last resort, sometimes divorce is the best thing possible.

I lived through my parents divorce and have already had my first. Sometimes it really is the best thing. No matter what, it will cause chaos and pain but its better than living YEARS with hell.

Counselling does not solve all problems.

 

[swilphil]

It really sounds like your husband might be depressed. I have to agree regarding counselling. You'd be amazed how much having an unbiased 3rd party to listen and offer suggestions helps. Take it from someone who knows.

I was also thinking that your husband sounds depressed. It sounds like you both could benefit from some sort of counseling, both together and individually. I'm sorry you are so sad. I think it's great that you want your kids to have both parents in the home. I'm not saying that all couples should stick it out, but if you are able to create a stable, nurturing environment for your children then do so. You and your husband definitely need to work on your communication, especially about sex, and what you can do to grow closer together again.

My husband probably has some of the same complaints about me that you have about your husband--lack of sense of humor, somewhat passive, withdrawn. I often worry that he will leave me for someone else though he has assured me that he won't. I am hoping that when our kids are grown we will take our relationship to a new level. I do look forward to doing some of the things I did when I was single, but I also want to share my life with my husband (travels, friends, grandkids, etc.)

Good luck and let us know if you and/or your husband decide to go to counselling. My husband and I have talked about doing that. We are taking a marriage class at our church next month and will take it from there.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

I was afraid to come back on here, LOL! I think that this is one of the first times that I have ever discussed a controversial, personal issue on here, and it is a painful thing to do. So...I feel for the people who do it regularly.

If you think about it, all of these unhappily married people must be going somewhere eventually for atleast things like emotional comfort. I'm not trying to judge whether that is right or wrong.

I actually talked to a friend who is just like Dana. She actually dragged me out last night so I wasn't home to answer the phone. So for now, all we have is an unanswered phone call. Phew, that was easy.


Atleast the OP came back! I hope that I didn't upset too many people.
What I'm really trying to say is that I am basically a good person and would never go out of my way to deliberately hurt anyone. So, I'm definitely not in any hurry to do anything stupid.

I am printing out these responses to read over more carefully later!

 

[poohandwendy]

If you think about it, all of these unhappily married people must be going somewhere eventually for atleast things like emotional comfort. I'm not trying to judge whether that is right or wrong.

I imagine you would have another opinion if you were married because trust and loyalty are such integral parts of the promise. Bottom line, unhappy or not, it is wrong to get involved in another relationship behind your spouses back. Period. Divorce is easily available if your marriage is that far beyond repair.

I hope that I didn't upset too many people.
What I'm really trying to say is that I am basically a good person and would never go out of my way to deliberately hurt anyone. So, I'm definitely not in any hurry to do anything stupid.

I don't think you upset anyone at all. If anything you have a bunch of people who are trying to spare you of some serious hurt by steering you away from a train wreck. If you get involved with person you KNOW is married, those actions are deliberate. The choice is up to you, but don't let your judgement be clouded by his words into thinking you are not hurting someone by getting involved with their spouse. If your mother were the spouse and your father was the unhappy one...how would you feel about it?

I don't think you are a bad person at all. Maybe a little naive, too trusting...

 

[Tasha+Scott]

I am printing out these responses to read over more carefully later!

Well, all I can say is that I hope by rereading them that you will finally see that the advice you have been given is good advice that you should take. I feel like you have made excuses for this guy over and over again and that Dana is probably right...that you are going to do it anyway. So, I really hope that you are sincere with this last post and that you will prove Dana wrong. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I am just telling you how it seems to me. Reread these responses, take them to heart, and quit making excuses for a married man who is simply looking for an affair. Not all married people look for an affair when the going gets rough. I agree with Pooh and Wendy...if he is that unhappy, there is always divorce. This guy probably just wants to have his cake and eat it too. In the end, you are going to be the one who ends up feeling betrayed and hurt. That is all I can say. If you still feel compelled to be with this guy after rereading all of these responses again, then what more advice can we give?! I just hope that you will see the logic behind these posts and cut this guy out of your life VERY soon. Good luck to you!

 

[poohandwendy]

I am just going to add one more thing MP. If you are going to buy into the blurred lines of ''so unhappy that an affair makes sense'', where do you really stand on commitment? What sort of commitment do you want from a man in your life? Faithful until unhappy? And how unhappy is unhappy enough to justify it? Is that good enough for you? Just some things for you to ponder about your own lines in the sand...

 

[AnotherDisguise]

Here I am--another DISer who is hiding.

To the OP--I am pretty much in the same boat as you; however, my husband doesn't seem to have some of the issues your's does. He really has no faults. He's a good husband, good father, good provider. We got married very young--something I pushed--and I should not have done it. I don't have bad feelings for him, I just have no feelings. I also do not have some romantic notion of what a marriage should be. I just feel that my husband and I are poorly suited toward each other, we having NOTHING in common, nothing to discuss. I feel head-and-shoulders above him intellectually and that makes it very difficult at times. We are just not a good match. I have no desires toward him and haven't for a long time.

And yes, Minnie, it is true, a woman CAN go for 5 years and not give her husband sex!!!

I have decided to stay in my marriage because financially neither one of us can afford to get out. It would be a financial nightmare and would greatly impact the children. Yes, I think my children know that we do not have a typical relationship; however, I think the one we have is not hurting them. We get along well enough and their home is secure and happy for them. It could be better if I had better feelings toward their father. Right now, I can bear the thought of going on a vacation *alone* with my husband nor am I that hip on family vacations just because they mainly feel lonely to me. At least when I'm at home, I have my routine and it keeps my mind otherwise occupied.

To MinnieP--Due to the state of my marriage, I am involved with a married man who is, ahem, in his 50s. Believe me, they are fine in the sex department even without Viagra!!!

I'm sure I'll get flamed for this relationship. Both of us are married, not satisfied with out marriages but, for predominantly financial reasons, cannot get out of them. Try being married 20-25 years--it ain't easy to get out of this without severe repercussions. We are not "looking" to get married or "come out". It is something to keep the sanity. We were good friends for almost 8 years before anything started and remain good friends today. He is a friend like I've never had. We were both married for close to 20 years before either of us cheated and I would never do this again with anyone else and I feel quite sure he wouldn't either. But, yep, do you really know anyone? But for you, Minnie, I do not advocate a relationship with this man of yours. You are single and, I think, have a lot more at stake emotionally.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Holy crap! This thread just keeps getting more bizarre.

 

[septbride2002]

Okay - I was a little upset last night reading this thread - I am not going to edit my post but I will say that I'm sorry I wasn't more understanding.

The arguement of divorce effecting children worse when they are younger or older really isn't the point. To the OP listen to me - no matter how old your children are, if you decide to seperate it will effect them no matter what. Age does not mean we understand it any more or better when our parents split. I often tell my Mom - you just should have gotten it over with.

I really do hope you will consider marriage counseling.

~Amanda

 

[Tasha+Scott]

Holy crap! This thread just keeps getting more bizarre.

Yep. I am also starting to find it to be rather sad.