Does anyone else stay in an unhappy marriage?

[caitycaity]

To the OP listen to me - no matter how old your children are, if you decide to seperate it will effect them no matter what.

this does not necessarily mean you shouldn't divorce, but it will effect them if you do.

let me share another divorce perspective. my parents are together and have been happily married for 36 years. they've had their rough spots, but they've worked through them. my dh's parents divorced when he was around 8. fil is always saying how well adjusted their kids are for children of divorce, but really my dh just didn't deal with any of his feelings from that time and shoved them away. he didn't even like to talk about it when we first met...and that was like 13 years later. before getting married, though, this is something we talked about a lot, and let me tell you, dh had a really warped view of what a marriage was. quite frankly this is something that we have to work on in our marriage a lot. because of his parents' interactions (and believe me, they are pretty friendly for divorced people - they talk on the phone, have holiday dinners together, etc.) he thinks that their relationship is what marriage is like. and sometimes that causes problems for us.

this is sort of long, but i guess what i am saying is, sometimes divorce is the best thing that can happen in a bad situation, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is a good thing.

 

[tandrjohn]

Yep. I am also starting to find it to be rather sad.

ITA...even if it's for real or not...sad...

 

[snoopy]

People keep acting like divorce is horrible. While it should be the last resort, sometimes divorce is the best thing possible.

I lived through my parents divorce and have already had my first. Sometimes it really is the best thing. No matter what, it will cause chaos and pain but its better than living YEARS with hell.

Counselling does not solve all problems.

To me, divorce really is horrible. Particularly when there are young children involved.

Then again, I thought long and hard before having kids. I had to be 100% sure that DH had the stuff to hold up his end of the bargain, which really is what marriage is all about. A bargain of sorts. We made the commitment to stand together through thick and thin, and thats just what we'll do. Of course its no accident that we've had very few bumps in the 18 years we've been married -- I set out to find a guy who had the qualities it requires to honor a long time commitment. Sometimes I wonder what people were thinking when they get married....they marry a creep, or they settle for someone who they are less than compatible with, and then they wonder why they aren't happy 10 years, and unfortunately a couple of kids later.

 

[SC Minnie]

The part in bold is B.S. and I will tell you why. You're children are miserable. I am a by-product of an unhappy marriage and let me tell you it is WORSE for your parents to divorice when you are "older and more mature" then it is when you are young. When you are young they make decisions for you. How holidays are spent etc... when you are older it is a constant tug of war with you being the "mature" adult and being put in the middle. You can swear on your first born that would never happen - but it is B.S. it will happen.

Not to mention your children will have to deal with you being unhappy and him being unhappy. Children can sense it - I was 10 when I first realized my parents were unhappy. They didn't divorce till I was 22 and my brother was 18 so we had to endure their unhappy marriage for 12 more years! The constant fighting and bitterness was unbearable so that when we were 16 and got cars we hardly ever came home.

Stop fooling yourself. Divorce is painful no matter what - but your kids shouldn't be made to endure your unhappy marriage.

Sorry to be so blunt.

Dana - need help writing that book?

~Amanda

Are you my long lost younger sister????

My parents divorced when I was 30 and both have since remarried but it is still very stressful for me. I knew they were unhappy when I was growing up. My dad was like MPN's 'friend'-- and there were several like you over the years. I wish my mother had left many years before because she poured her heart and soul into being a good wife and mother and bailing him out when he would waste his money on all these women friends. MPN if he is that 'smooth' with you I would put money that you aren't the first and wouldn't be the last. JMO.

To the OP-- I have been where you are with my marriage. I felt desperate. To the outside world we were perfect- had a beautiful daughter, both had good jobs, a nice home, no abuse, no real money problems. But for a few years I felt all alone. There was very little affection from him and I finely gave up. We would have spats about it and I would tell him I feel like I live with a roommate. I even had a plan in my head of where I could go if I left and how I could manage. Then DH got sick and was in the hospital for 2 weeks and almost died. That really changed his perspective on life and really changed our marriage. Things aren't perfect by no means but they are better. I had to realize I couldn't just walk away. Since I had 'given up' I am sure I was distant- I had to change that in me. Not every wife gets the same heart flutter when they see their husband that they had when they first dated. But there was a reason you married this man. You need to talk to your husband before you totally give up on this marriage- staying until the kids are grown is not in their best emotional interest long term. Working on showing your children what a loving couple is supposed to be is.

 

[Charade]

He is a friend like I've never had. We were both married for close to 20 years before either of us cheated and I would never do this again with anyone else and I feel quite sure he wouldn't either. But, yep, do you really know anyone?

Yeah, my wife told me for all the years that we were together that I was her best friend. Well, now she has a new one. If you really think that a person who cheats once, can't work up the nads to do it again, I believe you're sadly mistaken.

 

[KristiKelly]

I'm just speechless as to how this thread has turned. I don't even know what to say. (but I'll think of something)

All of you who are cheating on your spouse or are having an affair with a married man, have you ever heard of "alienation of affection"? We had a lady in our town sue her ex-husband's "mistress" for this and won, she is owed $1,000,000.00. If the man is married, his wife could sue you. Someone always gets hurt in an affair. Another Disguise, have you thought how you would feel if you learned that your husband had been having an affair? You might find that he would feel very hurt & betrayed to find out what you've been up to.

 

[AnotherDisguise]

Yeah, my wife told me for all the years that we were together that I was her best friend. Well, now she has a new one. If you really think that a person who cheats once, can't work up the nads to do it again, I believe you're sadly mistaken.

No blinders on here, Charade. I never try to predict another human being!

I guess the difference here is that I *never* felt that my husband was my best friend. I should have, I know that now. As I said I was very young when I got married and had all kinds of turmoil going on that drove me to a marriage that I should have never gotten into. I accept about 95% of the blame for the way my marriage has developed. Unfortunately, I do feel that I am unable to get out without inflicting a serious financial predicament--one that I am not prepared to live through at this point in time.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Woah, lots of issues going on in this thread...I'll just say this, it take TWO to create a happy or unhappy marriage. It's easy to get into a rut if you don't take time for yourselves. And yes men love sex (and that is NOT a bad thing).

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, well, well...this is quite a thread!!!

To the OP-I owuld echo those who suggest counsselling. If your DH won't go for it, then go alone. It can be amazingly helpful. It may not solve your problem, but it will give oyu great insight into how to deal with it, it will help you clarify what you want to do, etc. I cannot speak with any experience on divorce or its effect.My parents have been happily married for 50+ years, and DH and I are happily married as well. I thin it has an effect, but I also htink that its effect can be minimoized if divorce eventually becomes your only option. Marriage isn't easy...there are moments when I am sure everyone has thought "what have I done?" But if oyu can get it to "work" it is a wonderful thing!

To minniepumpernickel-allow me to and forgive me for being perfectly blunt. You are being used. You are being made a fool of. And you are the only one who can stop it. This "wonderful, marvelous" man with whom you have developed this close bond with is a lying cheating snake. He has a wife at home to whom he made a commitment, and he is not honoring that. This man has no integrity. If his marriage is unhappy, he should either fix it or get a divorce. Isn't he the stud, stringing along a young girl with less life experience than he has by feeding her a line of crap? I wonder how much he laughs at you when he is with his friends. I wonder if he's giving them the blow-by-blow about how naive you are and how soon he's going to have you in the sack? You are involved with a man who has proven one thing, and one thing only...that he is a man with no integrity who will cheat on his wife. Do you really want to associate with someone who has no integrity? Don't you think you deserve better than that?

 

[AnotherDisguise]

I'm just speechless as to how this thread has turned. I don't even know what to say. (but I'll think of something)

Another Disguise, have you thought how you would feel if you learned that your husband had been having an affair? You might find that he would feel very hurt & betrayed to find out what you've been up to.

Yes, I know how it feels. My husband cheated on me fairly early in our marriage. One night stand kind of thing while on TDY in the military. The funny thing was that I was kind of "numb" about it. That should have been a clue to me that I wasn't really "vested" in this marriage.

I'm sure my husband would be very hurt by what I am doing. Men, especially, are very territorial when it comes to their "stuff." Women can forgive these things, men usually cannot.

By the way, this is a thread for advice--not judging or bashing. I knew this would shock some of you, but please try to hide your disgust if you can. While some of you are VERY lucky to have picked the right partner and to make all the good decisions in your life, others (like me) keep blundering through. One big mistake really does lead to many more and sometimes they are very difficult to get out of. Not because you don't want to, but because of money, bottom line. I have a decent career but I cannot really live on my own with my children in my current situation.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

By the way, this is a thread for advice--not judging or bashing. I knew this would shock some of you, but please try to hide your disgust if you can. While some of you are VERY lucky to have picked the right partner and to make all the good decisions in your life, others (like me) keep blundering through. One big mistake really does lead to many more and sometimes they are very difficult to get out of. Not because you don't want to, but because of money, bottom line. I have a decent career but I cannot really live on my own with my children in my current situation.

Oh Dana, more good stuff here. We need a chapter on, "So you have made a mistake, now lets continue to compound it and take pity on ourselves."

If you really want to make things change, you can make things change, money or no money. If you want a divorce, the judge can order child support during the process.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

OMG- I really feel like I opened a can of worms!

I am tired, I stayed out too late last night, LOL! I would like to encourage empathy and understanding . Perhaps a lot of us do stupid things, or we are not as socially savy as we should be. I have no idea who the other people are but atleast they came forward to get stuff off of their chest too. So....this actually inspired me to go out drinking last night, I think that I'm just staying in tonight, so there won't be any funny stuff going on! LOL!

So....don't worry bout me kay!!!!!

 

[AnotherDisguise]

Oh Dana, more good stuff here. We need a chapter on, "So you have made a mistake, now lets continue to compound it and take pity on ourselves."

If you really want to make things change, you can make things change, money or no money. If you want a divorce, the judge can order child support during the process.

Yes, I'm sure you and Dana can have a real laugh party on this one.

Yes, I made a mistake and because of some of my decisions I do not feel comfortable getting out of it. Yes, I'm compounding things but I'm definitely NOT seeking PITY for ANYONE on this board.

I thought I would offer my perspective to the OP and to minniepumpernickel. I'm not advocating my lifestyle nor asking for help. In fact, I warned Minne to stay away from it. But, it is what works for me right now and keeps me from getting totally depressed until I *can* do something about it. I didn't come here to try to make it seem like it was the right thing to do. Just what one person is living.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Yes, I'm sure you and Dana can have a real laugh party on this one.

Yes, I made a mistake and because of some of my decisions I do not feel comfortable getting out of it. Yes, I'm compounding things but I'm definitely NOT seeking PITY for ANYONE on this board.

I thought I would offer my perspective to the OP and to minniepumpernickel. I'm not advocating my lifestyle nor asking for help. In fact, I warned Minne to stay away from it. But, it is what works for me right now and keeps me from getting totally depressed until I *can* do something about it. I didn't come here to try to make it seem like it was the right thing to do. Just what one person is living.

Go see a therapist. You need it. I'm sure your self-esteem is in the toilet because if it wasn't this would not be an acceptable life for you.

 

[AnotherDisguise]

Go see a therapist. You need it. I'm sure your self-esteem is in the toilet because if it wasn't this would not be an acceptable life for you.

Been there, done that. It's all out. My self-esteem is fine thanks. My other relationship is very rewarding and long-term. My life's not perfect, but I'm doing okay.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

Oh Dana, more good stuff here. We need a chapter on, "So you have made a mistake, now lets continue to compound it and take pity on ourselves."

If you really want to make things change, you can make things change, money or no money. If you want a divorce, the judge can order child support during the process.

Aren't you supposed to be religious? That doesn't sound like something a religious person would say.

Our lovely Dana is younger than all of us, so I respect her opinion, but I have no idea what her life experience is either! Although I feel that she ,means well, and I love reading her posts!

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Believe me, I am not having a laugh party. I am just sorry that so many women are in such unhappy situations and feel that they have no way out. I will not sit here and claim that my marriage is totally perfect, but we work on it together. Our beginning was very rocky, but now we are hitting our stride, but it took lots and lots of work from both of us. I cannot imagine my life without DH now, but let me tell you there was a time.

But the one thing that I make sure of is that if need be, I can make it on my own. That is a responsibility I have to MYSELF.

Don't you know MP, we all do fall short.

 

[Cinderellagrl]

I have a few questions...

What do your husbands think about your relationships? How do they feel about it? I just can't imagine that two people would settle into a place in their relationship where there isn't anymore communication, sex, happiness, etc. and live like that the rest of their lives. There must be tension among one or both of you. I would imagine that eventually someone would snap, not being able to take it & live like that anymore. I know I would and so would my DH.

 

[AnotherDisguise]

Miss Jasmine,
I understand what you are saying. And, you know, I actually could make it on my own. But I would have to move out of my home, move down the road to the subsidiszed housing (even with child support), live in a bad neighborhood, and probably have to change my children's schools.

If I thought that my current situation was detrimental to my children, I would do all this in a heartbeat. Right now my children are well-adjusted, they get wonderful grades, do well in school, love their home, their pets, etc. Yes, I'm sure that they notice that mommy and daddy don't snuggle up on the couch together or seem intimate and this probably isn't the best. But, I feel, in my case, the alternative would be much worse for them. Devastating in fact. I am not prepared to do it. I was simply trying to let the OP know that I can relate.

My husband and I have discussed divorce and both agreed that it would create more problems, in the short-term, than we could each handle. And I have no desire to push my husband into a rooming house so he could afford to keep up with the child support payments.

Counseling is all fine and good if you have particular issues or obstacles that one person cannot overcome. In the OPs case, I think her husband certainly has some personality issues that need treatment and would go a long way into turning around the marriage. For my part, I just don't have the right feelings toward my husband and probably haven't for at least 3/4ths of the marriage. I don't think any amount of counseling can rekindle feelings that may have never been there. It is only in hindsight that I can see that now. I'm not sure I knew what was going on in the early stages because I was so young. I just knew something was amiss. Looking back, it all seems so clear....

 

[AnotherDisguise]

I have a few questions...

What do your husbands think about your relationships? How do they feel about it? I just can't imagine that two people would settle into a place in their relationship where there isn't anymore communication, sex, happiness, etc. and live like that the rest of their lives. There must be tension among one or both of you. I would imagine that eventually someone would snap, not being able to take it & live like that anymore. I know I would and so would my DH.

Yes, "snaps" happen occasionally. Right now it is what we are going to do until we feel that we can get out without declaring bankruptcy.