Does anyone agree that surprises are a way to control people? (updade in OP)

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

This thread may have been soooo much different if you actually ask about what you should do honestly instead of you yourself disguising it as something else.

If it's only for your birthday and Christmas then personally I'd just be polite because they are PRESENTS not controlling surprises.
That does remind me of my OP on this thread though that you don't even want an Xmas gift that is not discussed and agreed upon with you knowing what's in the box before you open it.

If you don't want presents period then tell her that and tell her that you will simply throw out, donate, or resell/regift items that she gives you.
If she continues to do so then actually do one of those things and move on from it.

 

[leebee]

The truth in this situation is SO DIFFERENT from what was portrayed in the original post!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes.... boundary issue. Huge boundary issue.
This is not about surprises or gifts, at all.

JUST SAY NO.

You have absolutely no obligation to keep these 'gifts' and have them on display.
If this person will not take the gift back and return them, or you can't return them, let them know that you are sure that somebody else might really love such a nice 'donation', since you simply can't keep/use the gift.

 

[Hrhpd]

She doesn't buy me too many things. It's just birthday's and Christmases, it's just that it has been going on for a long time. We don't live together. You have given me great advice here. Thank you, guys

So, it is only Christmas and Birthdays? And you just don't like her presents? You are not supposed to be able to control what people give you for a Christmas or birthday present. This isn't the same kind of surprises as you described in your original post.

If it is only 2x a year, accept graciously and then donate, regift or put the bed in a bag under your bed and bring it out only when she comes over. That is what closets are for

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

The truth in this situation is SO DIFFERENT from what was portrayed in the original post!!

Agreed.
And the gift being given at least in the situation that prompted the thread is not even a vacation or furniture.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Well, I don't get how this morphed from "controlling with surprises" to "my mom gives me unwanted gifts at Christmas", but, whatever.

OP, if you don't like what she gives you, you're free to donate it, as others have said. Just say, "It didn't work for me, so I gave it to the Salvation Army. I'm sure they'll find someone to appreciate it!" Keep doing/saying this. Maybe she'll get the hint, maybe she won't, but you should be accepting the item graciously, no matter how hideous or unwanted.

What you can't do is dictate what your mother gives you for Christmas or birthdays. You also don't get to complain if she decides that you're ungrateful about her choices, and she then chooses not to give you anything. The person you can control is yourself. Personally, through the years, I've gotten plenty of WTH-type gifts from various people (mom, MIL, DH...). I smile and say Thank You and move on with life.

 

[ronandannette]

The truth in this situation is SO DIFFERENT from what was portrayed in the original post!!

And the bolded below takes it from the ridiculous to the sublime...

My goodness! I see I touched a nerve here, WOW! I know, because I know these people. Like my sister who wanted a quiet birthday with family only. If she hinted anything yo her DH (I don't know if she did or not, it would have been that she didn't want guests. I know that because she told me. She also told me doesn't like Cruising in winter. THat's how I know, get it?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am giving the OP the benefit of the doubt here.
(and, just IMHO, feel that some of the above post are becoming clear personal attacks)

If you say, for example, "I just don't like pink', which you also consider to be common-knowledge, and somebody close to you, who you might expect to try to be respectufl of your preferences, insists on spending a lot of money, and expecting you to use, wear, display expensive and very visually obvious gifts. (bright pink winter coat, full set of pink bedding for your own private bedroom)

This sounds like it is more than an unfortunate gift, or somebody who is gift-challenged.
The expectation that the gift-giver knows best, and makes one feel 'obligated' to like and display/use the gift, is where the line is crossed. The problem is what happens after the gift has been given.

I also suspect that this happens more than once or twice a year.

Another good example: We've seen these threads here on the DIS before. Somebody is unlike many of us, just does not like chocolate, or is even sensitive/allergic to chocolate. But Mom/Sister/Aunt/BFF just loves chocolate and makes the absolute best chocolate cake... So, what do they do for your birthday, bring you a very very chocolate birthday cake, and actually expect you to eat and enjoy it.

 

[Hrhpd]

I am giving the OP the benefit of the doubt here.
(and, just IMHO, feel that some of the above post are becoming clear personal attacks)

If you say, for example, "I just don't like pink', which you also consider to be common-knowledge, and somebody close to you, who you might expect to try to be respectufl of your preferences, insists on spending a lot of money, and expecting you to use, wear, display expensive and very visually obvious gifts. (bright pink winter coat, full set of pink bedding for your own private bedroom)

This sounds like it is more than an unfortunate gift, or somebody who is gift-challenged.
The expectation that the gift-giver knows best, and makes one feel 'obligated' to like and display/use the gift, is where the line is crossed. The problem is what happens after the gift has been given.

I also suspect that this happens more than once or twice a year.

Another good example: We've seen these threads here on the DIS before. Somebody is unlike many of us, just does not like chocolate, or is even sensitive/allergic to chocolate. But Mom/Sister/Aunt/BFF just loves chocolate and makes the absolute best chocolate cake... So, what do they do for your birthday, bring you a very very chocolate birthday cake, and actually expect you to eat and enjoy it.

Not sure where you are getting that you suspect this happens more than once or twice a year when the OP HERSELF has said it doesn't happen very often.

She doesn't buy me too many things. It's just birthday's and Christmases, it's just that it has been going on for a long time. We don't live together. You have given me great advice here. Thank you, guys

And if somebody gives you something pink or chocolate, a polite thanks but no thanks is all it takes. Then donate or in the case of chocolate, throw away. The word "NO" is very powerful and one that many people seem loath to use for fear of hurting other people's feelings. It is entirely possible to use NO graciously, with kindness, but also with firmness.

 

[Magpie]

Not sure where you are getting that you suspect this happens more than once or twice a year when the OP HERSELF has said it doesn't happen very often.

To be fair, the OP herself has said a lot of different things.

 

[VandVsmama]

I had this exact problem with my mother for years. And in her case, it WAS a control thing. The routine usually went like this:

1. Mom asks what I want for birthday or Christmas.
2. I tell her a couple of affordable (not expensive) items that I really like. Usually household items. I tell her what NOT to get (clothes). I don't like getting clothes because usually the gift giver (especially my mom) gets the size or color or style wrong.
3. Birthday or Christmas arrives. I open gift from my mother. Gift contains THE item that I specifically asked her NOT to get.
4. Not only does gift consist of clothing, but it's either old lady style clothing (that I would never wear) or it's in a color that I would never wear.
5. I'm gracious and say thank you. At Mom's request, I try the item on and model it for her. Then when she's gone, I quietly put it away and never put it on ever again. I usually cannot return or exchange the item because you can't tell where she purchased it and you can't ask her because then she gets upset/offended.
6. Months or sometimes years later, she asks, "Why don't you go and put on item X I gave to you for Christmas that one year?" Then she goes to my bedroom closet to go look for it.
7. I tell her that it's no longer in my closet.
8. Mom has an adult version of a hissy fit.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

She's even done it once with 4-oz juice glasses one year. In my house, we never drink anything in small 4-oz glasses. We live in the desert and we drink a lot of water. Our drinking receptacles are 8 oz on up. That Christmas, she declared, "I don't like any of your glasses. They're all too big. These are for you to have for when I come to visit." And she came to visit once a year. I exchanged them. She was furious the next time she came to visit.

Another time, she gifted me some ugly 1970's-style mismatched coffee mugs. Why? "Because your coffee mugs are too big and I don't like them. You need to keep these here and I will use these when I come to visit." When she left, I threw them out. At least that time, she never asked to visit the coffee mugs.

SOMETIMES when a person gives someone else a gift, it can be their way of doing the human equivalent of a dog peeing on another dog's turf. However, if you are in this sort of situation, you do not have to put up with it. Once the gift becomes yours, it is yours to do with as you please. And that includes donating it, exchanging it, or burning it in effigy in the backyard if you wanted to. You're an adult. It's your life. Not theirs...whoever the gift giver happens to be.

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

I had this exact problem with my mother for years. And in her case, it WAS a control thing. The routine usually went like this:

1. Mom asks what I want for birthday or Christmas.
2. I tell her a couple of affordable (not expensive) items that I really like. Usually household items. I tell her what NOT to get (clothes). I don't like getting clothes because usually the gift giver (especially my mom) gets the size or color or style wrong.
3. Birthday or Christmas arrives. I open gift from my mother. Gift contains THE item that I specifically asked her NOT to get.
4. Not only does gift consist of clothing, but it's either old lady style clothing (that I would never wear) or it's in a color that I would never wear.
5. I'm gracious and say thank you. At Mom's request, I try the item on and model it for her. Then when she's gone, I quietly put it away and never put it on ever again. I usually cannot return or exchange the item because you can't tell where she purchased it and you can't ask her because then she gets upset/offended.
6. Months or sometimes years later, she asks, "Why don't you go and put on item X I gave to you for Christmas that one year?" Then she goes to my bedroom closet to go look for it.
7. I tell her that it's no longer in my closet.
8. Mom has an adult version of a hissy fit.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

She's even done it once with 4-oz juice glasses one year. In my house, we never drink anything in small 4-oz glasses. We live in the desert and we drink a lot of water. Our drinking receptacles are 8 oz on up. That Christmas, she declared, "I don't like any of your glasses. They're all too big. These are for you to have for when I come to visit." And she came to visit once a year. I exchanged them. She was furious the next time she came to visit.

Another time, she gifted me some ugly 1970's-style mismatched coffee mugs. Why? "Because your coffee mugs are too big and I don't like them. You need to keep these here and I will use these when I come to visit." When she left, I threw them out. At least that time, she never asked to visit the coffee mugs.

SOMETIMES when a person gives someone else a gift, it can be their way of doing the human equivalent of a dog peeing on another dog's turf. However, if you are in this sort of situation, you do not have to put up with it. Once the gift becomes yours, it is yours to do with as you please. And that includes donating it, exchanging it, or burning it in effigy in the backyard if you wanted to. You're an adult. It's your life. Not theirs...whoever the gift giver happens to be.

Strictly talking about the clothing situation I think its more of a parent thing.
My parents insist on having lists of items to purchase us for Christmas but they also like to purchase things that we don't know we are going to get.
Clothing is a big one for my dad.
He absolutely loves giving us clothes.
At times he does a great job but other times ugh not so much
We gently let him know we are not a fan of it and never keep clothes we don't like.
Instead he will give us the receipt and tell us to use the money to purchase something that we find is more our style.
He would much rather us be honest than waste his money completely.

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

Speaking generally it seems like many people are passive aggressive about this.

 

[VandVsmama]

Question for the OP:

So who is it who is gifting these big surprises to you? If the issue is regarding your DH who surprises you with big vacations that have already been booked and paid for, that is a relationship issue with your spouse.

If the issue is re: your DH throwing big surprise parties where people arrive all afternoon long and nobody tells you that they are all there for a party and you have to do all the clean up afterwards, then that, too, is a spouse problem. "Surprise Party" (in my opinion) = the person of honor shows up, everybody yells out 'surprise!' and person of honor doesn't have to do clean up or prep or anything.

If the issue is re: another relative or close friend gifting you stuff that you have clearly stated that you don't want, then you have a choice to make. Your choices, as I see it, fall into a couple of categories:

• Be polite, say thank you, and then quietly do with the gift as you please.
• Be polite, say thank you, and keep the item you don't want in your home and be miserable, but the gift giver's feelings with be forever protected.
• For really big items that you don't want....like if the gift giver just suddenly "shows up" with new furniture that you don't like or didn't pick out or didn't want for whatever reason, be polite, say thank you, but politely decline the gift.

Also, if you don't want your spouse to surprise you with surprise parties or cruises or surprise vacations, make sure that you make it painfully obvious. Don't hint. Don't beat around the bush. Get straight to the point and tell your spouse something like "Honey, I really appreciate all the effort that you went to here, but in the future, please do not do any more surprise parties for me. And no more cruises in winter months. If you book one again, I won't be going with you. Let's plan this stuff together next time. What do think of _insert_exciting_destination_here for our next trip?"

Same thing goes to any relatives or close friends from whom you don't want to receive item X. Don't hint. Show them the respect you have for them by telling them flat out what you do or do not want. Then there's no guilt on your end if they end up giving you item X (which you told them you don't want and will refuse).

Otherwise, any time you end up hinting at something, you should assume that they won't get the hint....in which case, you don't have a right to be upset.

 

[js]

I think so and I hate surprises.

for example, take my sister. It was her birthday and she came to pick us up to have a birthday lunch with her. Oh the way she told us how happy she was to have a quiet, laid back afternoon with just us. But her husband had invited friends over without consulting her who kept arriving all afternoon. So my sister spent her birthday running around playing hostess.

This guy is big on surprises. He surprises her with vacations...it's a surprise, you know, so she doesn't have any input about time, destination, etc -for example, he "he surprised" her with a cruise for February.
Later on she told me she doesn't like to cruise during winter. I just keep my mouth shut about it.

I know other people who push bug, expensive stuff on others, like bedroom sets and big pieces of furniture in the guise of a surprise. It drives me nuts!

I'm pretty much a controller and I never get surprised LOL
I don't think my family could do it LOL

I surprised my dh two years ago with a 50th surprise party in a private room at a restaurant with dinner and dancing and friends. I planned it all by myself, no input from anyone and I think he liked it but I know I did, oops, that may be the controller in me too lol Some said it was like my party LOL Yikes

My sister and I have surprised my mom with planned days for Christmas or birthdays but we try to do things that she would like to do, not necessarily just us and I think she likes it LOL If I had the money to surprise my mom with trips, I would do that too although
I am the planner and organizer for all my trips with my family of 4 as well as my mom LOL

I guess I really have no input into your thread but I did find it interesting

 

[js]

And that's how it's done! Who doesn't enjoy planning or havig input in someone do big a a vocation?

My dh, dd-23 and my sister do NOT enjoy planning.
All of the above have me plan and tell them what we are doing.

My mom takes my sister's family and my family away once a year or one every couple of years and at Thanksgiving my mom said she
would take us the summer of 2018. My sister and I agreed on a week in August and I'll let her know what I book after I research.
She could care less. She will plan some excursions as it gets closer but last cruise she didn't even know she was in a balcony cabin until we
were discussing the trip and if I asked her now what ship, she may not have a clue. My dd also told me after going away with her boyfriend
over the summer, she really doesn't like to plan, which they both had to do. She said she rather just be told where she is going and when.
I would have a meltdown if I did as above LOL