Does anyone agree that surprises are a way to control people? (updade in OP)

[ronandannette]

Yep. His reaction played much different in my head when I came up with the idea LOL. Sometimes you gotta take a step back and say "what was I thinking"? On the plus side, I understand he is excited to be coming to see "his" horse in February. He'll be spending a week here. I'm gonna keep my expectations realistic this time!

Well, when I was a little girl, you could have given me a photo of a pony that lived in another country, told me it was "mine" and I'd have totally lost my mind and immediately started writing pen pal letters to the beast. But, I was really into horses.

It's really easy to fall into the trap of giving people things you'd enjoy, rather than giving them things they'd enjoy. I've done it to my own husband on more than one occasion (though less often these days, as I've gotten better at gift giving over the years).

Hey Jennasis, can Magpie "have" one of your horses? She'll love it, and love you! Win-win! (I'm smart like that!) Merry Christmas, both of you!

 

[Jennasis]

Well, when I was a little girl, you could have given me a photo of a pony that lived in another country, told me it was "mine" and I'd have totally lost my mind and immediately started writing pen pal letters to the beast. But, I was really into horses.

It's really easy to fall into the trap of giving people things you'd enjoy, rather than giving them things they'd enjoy. I've done it to my own husband on more than one occasion (though less often these days, as I've gotten better at gift giving over the years).

LOL!

 

[Magpie]

Hey Jennasis, can Magpie "have" one of your horses? She'll love it, and love you! Win-win! (I'm smart like that!) Merry Christmas, both of you!

 

[sam_gordon]

I don't get the snark and hostility in the replies. I have not personally attacked anyone.

So, nevermind

5/18 posts before this one were yours. I also don't see any snark or hostility. Do people disagree with your assessment of the situation? Yes. Are they not allowed to?

I agree with those who say if the surprises are taken to extreme (basically continued even after being told not to), it can be seen as controlling. For that matter, has your sister ever told her DH she doesn't like these "big" surprises? Telling you doesn't matter. If her DH doesn't know she doesn't like them, why would he stop?

 

[Wishing on a star]

First, is this really about a 'sister'.....

Second, while many surprises are great and have the best of intentions, I have definitely seen surprises as a way to control, to take the other person's wishes and input out of the equation, etc.... No question.

There is a big difference between creating a good opportunity to share good news... (Telling family that one is expecting, etc.) And using this as a way to surprise somebody with something that they would be expected to have some input in the matter.

If my husband knows I would just love this particular Lexus/Mercedes, sport sedan... Hell, yeah.... Surprise me!!!!
If he wants to surprise me with a new SUV..... Houston, we have a problem.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I've been on the other side. I've seen people who don't like surprises because they like to be in control. They want everything their way or no way so don't you dare surprise them because you won't "do it the right way."

 

[moon]

5/18 posts before this one were yours. I also don't see any snark or hostility. Do people disagree with your assessment of the situation? Yes. Are they not allowed to?

I agree with those who say if the surprises are taken to extreme (basically continued even after being told not to), it can be seen as controlling. For that matter, has your sister ever told her DH she doesn't like these "big" surprises? Telling you doesn't matter. If her DH doesn't know she doesn't like them, why would he stop?

Don't you think asking if I'm jealous is snarky?

 

[okeydokey]

Yeah, he throws his wife surprise birthday parties and takes her on cruises. What a gigantic jerk he is?

Throwing her a surprise party where she has to do all the work is not a gift for her for her birthday. It is an additional job she didn't want especially on her birthday. So, yeah, kind of jerky.

 

[smiths02]

I think it's different from a spouse, especially if it's something like a vacation or car or furniture. To me, that is different because my spouse and I have one joint pool of money (and we both work outside the home), so I would consider it a breech of our budget agreement for him to spend over a few hundred dollars and not ask for my opinion at all. (I'm sure that amount of "fun money" is different for different people, people who make $400K a year may think nothing of the spouse spending $5K without talking to the other spouse; we're not those people)

My ILs are the best people. They are not trying to control. They have given us many nice gifts and usually ask what we want or give us money (like they usually give us $100 check for Christmas). However, they have spent money for us on a few things that were expensive (to me, at least) and not a good idea (For example, right now, my MIL wants to help save something for my kids college with an inheritance she got, but is being convinced by a "financial adviser" that a 529 would be bad or when my DH was in college, they bought him a used (1997) Chevy Malibu...worst car EVER,but they only buy American). They have NEVER done it to be controlling, they are just making other decisions and it's their money, and I am EXTREMELY grateful for a car or college money for my kids, even if something better could have been done with the money.
My ILs have even just given us a "surprise" vacation, but my MIL sent me a really cute email with a "mission" to come up with some ideas that were driving distance and within her budget...so I came up with some ideas and we narrowed down a place and time together.

 

[sam_gordon]

Don't you think asking if I'm jealous is snarky?

No.

 

[lovin'fl]

I am a nosey Nelly and have really never been surprised. Aside from my curiosity killing the cat, I have close family members who just aren't the type to plan a surprise (heck, DH runs out the day before or day of for gifts for Mother's Day, Anniversary, Birthday...etc...after asking me what it is he should get). I would love, love, love to be surprised just once. Not a party though as I am not a social person... but a surprise trip or car or home renovation (we have an old tiny condo in another state and I would love to walk in a have a surprise new flooring or paint as a present).

 

[Magpie]

Don't you think asking if I'm jealous is snarky?

This is a message board. When you throw out a scenario like this, you'll get a lot of questions. Some of them, you won't want to answer. Some of them, you'll be offended they were even asked.

But the thing is, no one here knows you. No one here has a history with you.

Are you jealous?

Just say no!

(Or yes, if it so happens that you actually are jealous. Your personal feelings about this might colour your perceptions, but they don't necessarily mean that your observations are inaccurate.)

 

[pryncess527]

Don't you think asking if I'm jealous is snarky?

No, I think it's exactly the kind of question that can arise out of a message board discussion. And even the questions that arise that feel snarky are often worth examining. I've been jealous before, it's not something a person is always aware of until an outsider brings it up.

 

[Queen of the WDW Scene]

Throwing her a surprise party where she has to do all the work is not a gift for her for her birthday. It is an additional job she didn't want especially on her birthday. So, yeah, kind of jerky.

We have no clue if she "did all the work".
Playing hostess could simply mean that she had to talk to friends.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I would love for someone to surprise me with a trip, evening out, furniture, etc.

 

[pryncess527]

My goodness! I see I touched a nerve here, WOW! I know, because I know these people. Like my sister who wanted a quiet birthday with family only. If she hinted anything yo her DH (I don't know if she did or not, it would have been that she didn't want guests. I know that because she told me. She also told me doesn't like Cruising in winter. THat's how I know, get it?

You know because she's telling you
Her DH doesn't know because she isn't telling him.

IMHO, actions speak louder than words. if she REALLY did not like it, she'd talk to the person who has the power to change it. By telling you instead, I have to wonder if she just likes to complain. Or is complain-bragging. I've known people who do both, which is why you saying she claims to hate it just doesn't carry much weight.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think that when it comes to your vacation and your birthday, yes, maybe you should have some input.
Those are things that are for, and about, you.

Now, anything other than that.... Yes, some people have control issues.

Some people just do NOT do 'surprises' very well. They are just not wired to fly by the seat of their pants and handle it.

I don't think anybody should be 'oblilgated' to like and enjoy surprises.

 

[Hrhpd]

Does anyone agree that surprises are a way to control people?

I think so and I hate surprises.
.
.
I know other people who push bug, expensive stuff on others, like bedroom sets and big pieces of furniture in the guise of a surprise. It drives me nuts!

Don't you think asking if I'm jealous is snarky?

I am sorry you took my post to be snarky. I didn't mean it to be snarky but it was a question that pops up with the way you wrote your post.

You said that when people give other people expensive gifts, it drives you nuts. You use sarcastic verbiage like "push" expensive gifts. You make it a point to emphasize that it is expensive and big gifts that particularly bugs you. You are bugged to the point that you create a thread of it. To be bugged by what two other people are giving each other means you have some sort of emotional investment in their actions, otherwise you wouldn't care what two other people do for each other. The way you were writing it, with the continued emphasis on big and expensive and since the written word is sometimes hard to interpret, a post like this can be interpreted as the writer being jealous of the people receiving the big and expensive gifts. I simply asked if this is what was intended. I apologize again if my intent was not clear. I am certainly bad at that.

I am glad to hear you are not jealous. So, just brush off what others do for each other and don't let it bother you so much. As long as the people in your life don't surprise you since you hate surprises, don't be so invested in what other people do for each other. It is not worth the aggravation since there is no way you can control what others do. And you don't know the intimate details of their lives of why they are giving big, expensive gifts to each other. Your sister may even actually love her surprises but tell you she hates them because she knows how much you hate surprises and wants to spare your feelings.

As myself and others have said, that while there are a few people that certainly will use surprises as a means to control, most gift givers are trying to do something they really, really believe will make the recipient happy. The surprises may be a bit misguided or flat out wrong, but the thought behind the surprise is usually one of love and truly believing the person will be happy. It is all about making another person happy.

 

[Vijoge]

It's really easy to fall into the trap of giving people things you'd enjoy, rather than giving them things they'd enjoy.

When I was a kid my mother always told us if we didn't know what to buy someone to get something we would like to have because chances were they would like it, too. It backfired on her when my sister bought her a tub of blue Play-doh for Mother's dy.

 

[Vijoge]

I am a nosey Nelly and have really never been surprised. Aside from my curiosity killing the cat, I have close family members who just aren't the type to plan a surprise (heck, DH runs out the day before or day of for gifts for Mother's Day, Anniversary, Birthday...etc...after asking me what it is he should get). I would love, love, love to be surprised just once. Not a party though as I am not a social person... but a surprise trip or car or home renovation (we have an old tiny condo in another state and I would love to walk in a have a surprise new flooring or paint as a present).

If my DH did that that would actually BE the surprise. He's a wonderful man and I love him to the moon and back but he's just not into gift giving as a general rule. He might (not guaranteed) come home on my birthday and say "it's your birthday, let's go out for dinner", but I won't be expecting a gift. A couple of times in the past 21 years he has sent me flowers on our anniversary. It's ok. He knows if there is something I really want I will just go buy it. He's not selfish or cheap, or anything like that. Presents just aren't a big thing to him, and I guess I don't mind either because it doesn't upset me.