Do You "Uninvite" Friends in Order to Punish Your Child?

[DVCLiz]

What's your opinion of this? DD15 was invited by a friend to spend a long weekend at their vacation home. The friend din't finish some household chores that the parents had asked her to do in a certain time frame. I think she also lied to her parents about how much progress she had made cleaning her room - not too sure of the details.

As a punishment, DD15 was uninvited. The mom told me she couldn't let her daughter take a friend along as a punishment. So the friend got to spend the long weekend alone at the vacation house (alone meaning without a friend along) while DD15 got to stay home for 5 days and clean her room, watch TV, and hang out with us (boring.)

I just felt SO BAD for DD15!!!! I love this mom and family, so I would never do or say anything critical, but it felt a whole lot like DD15 was the one who got punished - she missed a lot of fun activities associated with this vacation location that we never have access to as a family. It was as if we had said to her friend, "Oh, we're using our DVC points at Disney this weekend, so why don't you come?" and then I'd called the mom and said, "I have to punish
DD15 so your daughter can't come with us to Disney."

Just venting a little...everyone's over it and DD15 survived!

 

[redlight]

It sounds like your daughter's friend's parents weren't thinking about how their punishment would affect others (namely your daughter).

 

[minkydog]

I know it doesn't seem fair to your daughter, but I would do, and have done, exactly the same thing. It is a privilege for my children to take friends on vacation. In this case the mom told the daughter what she had to do to earn the privilege. Not only did the daughter not complete the task, she lied about it. I'm sorry your daughter missed a vacation with her friend, but I'm in the mom's corner on this one.

I hope you all can find something special to do with your DD this week.

 

[JerseyMamaBear]

I wouldent do it over a room cleaning issue but maybe if it was a far worse offence then I would consider it. So far we lucked out on inviting friends along on trip because his bestfriend gets very homesick so we dont even offer.

 

[Kimberle]

I don't agree w/ the way the other mom handled this. She should have given her dd her tasks to complete BEFORE she was allowed to invite a friend. Only after the girl finished her chores, should she have been allowed to invite a friend. I don't think it was a very nice thing to do to your dd.

 

[DVCLiz]

I know it doesn't seem fair to your daughter, but I would do, and have done, exactly the same thing. It is a privilege for my children to take friends on vacation. In this case the mom told the daughter what she had to do to earn the privilege. Not only did the daughter not complete the task, she lied about it. I'm sorry your daughter missed a vacation with her friend, but I'm in the mom's corner on this one.

I hope you all can find something special to do with your DD this week.

Yes, but what did your child really get out of that punishment? I mean, she still got to go on a vacation. It just seems like a bad parenting decision to me.

Especially in the case of my daughter's friend, why in the world wouldn't you say, "If you clean your room and do your chores by x time, you can call DD15 and invite her. If you don't get these things done, you can't invite anyone."

Don't worry about DD15 - that was the week I bought her a new car (new to her, anyway) so she was thrilled down to her toes and the weekend was forgotten in an instant, believe me!

 

[DVCLiz]

I don't agree w/ the way the other mom handled this. She should have given her dd her tasks to complete BEFORE she was allowed to invite a friend. Only after the girl finished her chores, should she have been allowed to invite a friend. I don't think it was a very nice thing to do to your dd.

Thanks - obviously, that's what I feel, too.

 

[minkydog]

Don't worry about DD15 - that was the week I bought her a new car (new to her, anyway) so she was thrilled down to her toes and the weekend was forgotten in an instant, believe me!

Woo-hoo! She hit the jackpot!

 

[JJZMgailey]

I have always been a firm believer that the punishment should fit the crime & I agree with you & a PP that this was a bit harsh for a room cleaning issue.

My kids are young yet but I'm scared about this teenager stuff!!

 

[DVCLiz]

Woo-hoo! She hit the jackpot!

Well, lest it sound like "My Super Sweet 16" around here, let me add that I was in the market for a used car, I found the right car at the right price and it just happened to be that particular day, and DD15 - who will ultimately get to drive it most of the time - is still 15 and won't really have full driving access to it until next summer.

Just didn't want to give the impression that I dealt with minor disappointments to her ego by lavishing new cars on her...!

 

[DVCLiz]

I have always been a firm believer that the punishment should fit the crime & I agree with you & a PP that this was a bit harsh for a room cleaning issue.

My kids are young yet but I'm scared about this teenager stuff!!

I think it was a lying issue, too, in fairness to the parents. I'm sure they did what they thought was appropriate - I just wish they had said, "Oh, and by
the way, we're going again in two weeks so please plan for DD15 to come with us then." I would have felt much better!!!

 

[aprilgail2]

I don't like when people punish other kids for their kids misdeeds. Come up with another punishment for your kid that doesn't effect the innocent child. Personally it would be the last time that my child would ever be in that position because thye would not be accepting any invitations from that mom again.

 

[minkydog]

Well, lest it sound like "My Super Sweet 16" around here, let me add that I was in the market for a used car, I found the right car at the right price and it just happened to be that particular day, and DD15 - who will ultimately get to drive it most of the time - is still 15 and won't really have full driving access to it until next summer.

Just didn't want to give the impression that I dealt with minor disappointments to her ego by lavishing new cars on her...!

Not at all. We actually did this a couple months ago. We have a 16yo DD and were looking for a good safe car for her to learn in. I found an old Jeep in great condition. It's mine for now, until she goes off to college. Then we'll sign it over to her. We did the same thing for DS, signed over his father's 5yo truck just to help him get a leg up. It has worked out very well.

 

[DizBelle]

What if the OP had made plans for the long weekend assuming her DD would be out of town with the friend's family. Not only has this friend's parents screwed up the DD's plans, they also screwed up OP's. Not very considerate at all. They could have found some other way to punish their daughter without impacting so many other people.

 

[Camicar]

I had an almost identical experience at the same age with a planned and important weekend away being cancelled bec my friend did not clean her room. It was an event we'd planned for a while and my disappointment was very strong -- I still remember it 30 years later.

So I have to say from my perspective as a teen and now as a parent, I do think that sort of punishment is overly harsh when it directly and negatively affects someone else.

 

[DVCLiz]

What if the OP had made plans for the long weekend assuming her DD would be out of town with the friend's family. Not only has this friend's parents screwed up the DD's plans, they also screwed up OP's. Not very considerate at all. They could have found some other way to punish their daughter without impacting so many other people.

LOL!! Well, see, I just remembered that was part of the conversation. She started by asking me if I had any plans for the weekend. Because I like this vacation destination but have never been invited (I have friends who have houses there but I am not a close enough friend to have gotten an invitation - both of my daughters have friends with houses there, too, so they both have gone more than once!!) I thought, "Oh, boy!! Now's my chance!! She's going to ask if I want to come, too!! How fun!" So I said, "Oh, I don't have anything planned - just some cleaning the house stuff that I will probably put off until next week...blah, blah. blah..." Then I waited for her to say, "Oh, in that case, please come with us!"

Instead, she told me she would take DD15 if I had made plans to be out of town, etc. - just as you said. Argghhhhhhh! I think that made it worse for me - knowing that DD15 going or staying was such a whim to her, when it was so important to DD15. Oh, well....

 

[DVCLiz]

I had an almost identical experience at the same age with a planned and important weekend away being cancelled bec my friend did not clean her room. It was an event we'd planned for a while and my disappointment was very strong -- I still remember it 30 years later.

So I have to say from my perspective as a teen and now as a parent, I do think that sort of punishment is overly harsh when it directly and negatively affects someone else.

Did both of you miss the weekend plans? Or did your friend still get to go?

 

[Jsme]

If I thought this was the only way to get my DD's attention I would do this. Is it fair to OP's daughter, no. However, sometimes we have to get "mean" to get their attention. I personally think you could have put a great spin on this and used it as a learning tool.

 

[KirstenB]

I do try really hard to not do this, but never say never. If I thought it was the only way to get through to dd, I would. We've been on the receiving end, and I have had to console dd. But, you know what, she lived.

 

[BlackPearl695]

I would NEVER uninvite an invited guest. That's very rude. As a parent you should never allow your child to invite a friend unless you are absolutely sure you want that friend to be with your family. So if your child has responsibilities to take care of first, then an invite should not be extended until they are completed. I understand that sometimes kids do things that merit punishment and when a friend is involved it can be complicated. But I would just assume take our guest and let my child know that when we got back, a punishment was coming. My children would spend their vacation worried about how much trouble they were going to be in when they get home. Sometimes that's enough.