Do you think the groom's sister should be in the wedding party?

[DawnCt1]

Wow - this is so totally wrong IMO I just can't believe it. I'm guessing the dad was paying for the wedding and said he would withdraw that gift if he didn't get things his way? Whether they felt the reasoning was good or not, I've never heard of a family dictating who the new "inlaw" was having in his/her wedding party. I feel sorry for the groom.

The dad did his DD an enormous favor! They are only a couple of years apart in age and were very close growing up. For the groom to suddenly "get religion" about the brother's "partying", when the groom used to "party" with the best of them, was at the least hypocritical. For the brother to be excluded from the wedding would have done irreparable harm to the relationship he had with his sister. She travels for business and now she depends upon her brother to watch her dog, mow her lawn, pick her up at the airport if her DH is working, etc. It would have also been dramatically noticed by all of us who attended the wedding. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the brother. He is a great guy, polite and sensitive. And yes, the Dad would have told her to pay for her own wedding. Too much fuss is made about weddings and not enough made about the marriage, which really does join two families together for better or for worse.

 

[DawnCt1]

When I got married I had my best friends at the time, in my wedding. I was in two of their weddings as well. Now one of those women I never see basically due to distance and time. The other, I have no idea where she is and haven't seen her in 20 years at least, and the third, whose wedding I was in, I am not speaking too. At least one might get to see their BIL or SIL.

 

[Michelle67]

They aren't asking her to do a reading. There are having Catholic mass wedding and usually two readings are done but the groom's aunts are doing the readings.

Okay, so there are relatives of the groom's involved in the wedding. Just not the ones or as many as your friend (and others in the family I gather) think should be? This kind of stuff is what makes people want to just elope.
Bottom line again, is that the wedding is all about what the bride and groom want.

As far as calling the future MIL (which sounds off if she wasn't involved in the conversation...so obviously there is a bunch of pot stirring phone calls going on all over the place, or the woman is psychic...one or the other) yeah maybe those weren't the nicest things to say. Then again, clearly the bride is being "confronted" or hounded about her choices regarding the wedding, and she is having to defend herself. I'd probably get pretty nasty about that too. She shouldn't have to defend her choices. Period. Her wedding.

Dawn and others brought up the idea of the girl simply telling her brother that she is sad at being left out. I would agree with that, if she simply said "I'm sad that I won't get to be in your wedding, I really hoped to be a part of it" and then quietly and maturely accepted whatever happened from there. At this point, though, IMO it is too late for that. It has already become an "issue," the bride has already been harrassed about her choices, and at this point anything said is only going to make things worse. It's time to hush up and deal now, IMO.

My final thought is that if the groom doesn't see much of his family from here out, that is as much his doing as his wife's. I'm assuming he's a grown man, here, and that she probably won't be holding him hostage in the home. It also will have a lot to do with his family. From the sounds of things, you're right; it doesn't look good. You say there are a lot of cracks forming with the bride. If I were the wife, I wouldn't be eager to get closer to the people who are hounding me and talking about me behind my back. Just my two cents' worth.

 

[Evil Genius]

How old is this woman that she this is that important to her? Does she know the bride past hello? Ever gone to lunch or dinner just the girls? I don't agree with "you're marrying my sibling so I am automatically in your wedding." Of course people let this kind of silliness fester and 20 years later it comes out.

 

[Pin Wizard]

If I were the groom, I would run away! What a bunch of selfish jerks!

Definitely! I have to agree with a pp also...Bridezilla has arrived.

 

[disykat]

I agree siblings should be included in the wedding.

I had MY sister. Dh had HIS brother in law. I saw no need to have his sister (who I had never met until the rehearsal because she lived across the country) as my attendant, nor was I going to force dh to have MY brother (whom he'd only met two times because he lived 400 miles away) as his attendant.

Every wedding I've been involved in the groom chose their own attendants and the bride chose hers. This is news to me.

 

[browneyes106]

Okay, so there are relatives of the groom's involved in the wedding. Just not the ones or as many as your friend (and others in the family I gather) think should be? This kind of stuff is what makes people want to just elope.
Bottom line again, is that the wedding is all about what the bride and groom want.

As far as calling the future MIL (which sounds off if she wasn't involved in the conversation...so obviously there is a bunch of pot stirring phone calls going on all over the place, or the woman is psychic...one or the other) yeah maybe those weren't the nicest things to say. Then again, clearly the bride is being "confronted" or hounded about her choices regarding the wedding, and she is having to defend herself. I'd probably get pretty nasty about that too. She shouldn't have to defend her choices. Period. Her wedding.

Dawn and others brought up the idea of the girl simply telling her brother that she is sad at being left out. I would agree with that, if she simply said "I'm sad that I won't get to be in your wedding, I really hoped to be a part of it" and then quietly and maturely accepted whatever happened from there. At this point, though, IMO it is too late for that. It has already become an "issue," the bride has already been harrassed about her choices, and at this point anything said is only going to make things worse. It's time to hush up and deal now, IMO.

My final thought is that if the groom doesn't see much of his family from here out, that is as much his doing as his wife's. I'm assuming he's a grown man, here, and that she probably won't be holding him hostage in the home. It also will have a lot to do with his family. From the sounds of things, you're right; it doesn't look good. You say there are a lot of cracks forming with the bride. If I were the wife, I wouldn't be eager to get closer to the people who are hounding me and talking about me behind my back. Just my two cents' worth.

My friend's mom called the brother later on to say that she felt about the wedding party choices. He probably told his gf. I thought it was wrong for the bride to tell my friend's mom that her family deserved more involvement in the wedding because they are very close and that my friend's family isn't close. The cracks that formed with the bride actually started before my friend spoke up about the wedding party. Since the beginning the bride has included most of her family in the wedding planning. Her sister in law is making the cake and her aunt is going to be the wedding photographer. My friend's aunts and uncles have offered to help decorate, make food and stuff and my friend's brother and his gf basically told them that their help wasn't needed and the bride's family would be involved in those aspects. A month ago my friend said that her cousin who has a DJ business offered to DJ free of charge and her brother and his fiancee told him no. The bride and groom announced their engagement back in December 07. Since then they never attend any events that involve the groom's family. The bride seems like she doesn't want anything to do with the groom's family.

 

[bumbershoot]

I too wondered about why he didn't ask her to be the best woman or something like that. I'm sure if the other brother was alive he would be the best man. Another thing that is really weird is that guy who is going to be best man has only known my friend's brother for about two years. The brother has other friends that he has known for more than twenty years.

People have varied and often strange ways of picking those who will stand with them.

It's best to not try to figure it out and not to second guess it.

My best friend didn't have me in her wedding. She is a kind, caring, wonderful woman who was sucked into a WEDDING that neither she nor the groom really wanted (they are now divorced, and if she ever marries again it will be on top of a glacier, no big party). Somehow she decided that her MOH had to HAD TO wear this one particular dress. So she chose her attendants based on that dress; only skinny minnies with large chests were allowed! That meant one of her sisters (she has 3 sisters) and an old friend. I'm short and not even skinny skinny, though I'd fit the other part, but I would not have been willing to tape myself into it (electrical tape, NOT duct tape!) since a bra was absolutely impossible.

People have strange ideas sometimes...

.

The bride also told my friend's mom that their family isn't really close and shouldn't be involved.

Either she's controlling and doing strange things, or she knows something about how the groom feels that his sister doesn't realize.

My hubby loves his sister and wishes she'd be best friends with him again, while she couldn't care less about him now. It took him a LONG time to realize that she barely likes him...

There are a lot of cracks starting to form with the bride. Her aunt is going to be the wedding photographer and her sister in law is making the cake. My friends aunts and uncles offered to do stuff for the wedding like taking desserts and helping set up tents. My friend's bro told his relatives that their help wasn't needed and that the bride's family will be doing that stuff. In a way the bride basically thinks that the groom's family is "useless". I think once they are married my friend and her family won't see her brother at all. The bride has no boundaries with her nieces and nephews that basically tag along whenever they want to. I think the bride seems controlling.

Woohoo, what fun! What fun when each family member has a tantrum and little parts of the wedding day start falling apart.

I didn't read any replies but I think siblings should always be in the wedding party. I too would have been very hurt if my sister didn't ask me.

But would you expect to be in a *brother's* wedding?

To be in a brother's wedding, you are either a best woman or groomswoman, or your future SIL has to ask you. There's a definite degree of separation.

I was hurt at first when I wasn't asked to be in my brother's wedding, but I was a snively 25 year old at the time feeling like a spinster b/c my 22 year old brother was getting married and I was still single and miserable. She had her one sister as her attendant, and he had a college friend as his attendant (friend got a spiral fracture of his humerus the night before the wedding while drinking and arm wrestling, they spent hours in the ER and he was in a VERY crazy cast and couldn't wear his tux top poor guy!).

Turned out great! I didn't have to spend hours having pix taken (mom stepdad and I did get to be in some, but not as sister and friend!), I was able to snag some chocolate covered strawberries for the bride before they ran out (she appreciated it), and I could relax. MUCH better.

I wasn't in my sister's wedding and it was no great loss on my part. When they were taking pictures, I was at the open bar with my other sister and other relatives who also weren't in the wedding having a blast!!

Ayep!



This isn't something the friend needs to worry about now. Either her brother is changing, which he does have a say in, or he's a wimp (which he has a say in), or he doesn't like her as much as she thought he did. Or he just wants his bride to be happy. But there's no point in worrying about it, and I can't believe she actually asked him about it. Tell her to just enjoy herself as a guest of the wedding, and maybe take some extra pictures so when the bride's aunt takes breaks to chat with her relatives, the couple will actually have some pictures!

 

[Mom2Nick]

I know. The bride is only thinking of her family and not the groom's family.

Your friend is only thinking of herself and not the bride and groom.

 

[DawnCt1]

Your friend is only thinking of herself and not the bride and groom.

I think that the bride is incredibly selfish, the brother is incredibly weak, and they both are insufferably inconsiderate.

 

[MichelleVW]

Your friend is only thinking of herself and not the bride and groom.

I agree, she sounds like a whiny baby.

 

[browneyes106]

Your friend is only thinking of herself and not the bride and groom.

She was only thinking of herself when she spoke out. But now her and her family are starting to see that the bride doesn't want anything to do with their family. Maybe there is fault on both sides.

 

[Mom2Nick]

She was only thinking of herself when she spoke out. But now her and her family are starting to see that the bride doesn't want anything to do with their family.

I can see why if she's getting grief at not asking somebody that doesn't even like her to be in her wedding.

 

[browneyes106]

Either she's controlling and doing strange things, or she knows something about how the groom feels that his sister doesn't realize.

My hubby loves his sister and wishes she'd be best friends with him again, while she couldn't care less about him now. It took him a LONG time to realize that she barely likes him...

Maybe my friend cares too much about her brother and he doesn't care in return. If he doesn't really care about her I think she should give up on him.

 

[browneyes106]

I can see why if she's getting grief at not asking somebody that doesn't even like her to be in her wedding.

I can see why she would be mad getting heat for not asking people she doesn't like to be in the wedding. But it would be hard for anyone to not be accepted to liked by a person that is marrying his or her brother.

 

[ZuZugal]

The bride has only been married once before. She started having kids when she was 16. Her oldest two children are from her ex-husband. The younger two children are from relationships in which she was never married to the fathers. I can understand the children being in the wedding. But the children are each going to be partnered with two of her nieces and nephews. I feel that the older two kids could be partners and the younger two could be partners. The older two kids are boy that is 20 and a girl that is 19. The younger kids are boy that is 15 and a girl that is 9. I think my friend is upset about the nieces and nephews being in the wedding party.

I guess you can have your opinion and your friend can have her but when it comes down to it - it's between the bride and groom. Period.

 

[browneyes106]

I told my friend I would give her call tomorrow. I'm not sure if I should tell her anything.

 

[mickeylove2]

I may be in the minority, but I have 2 brothers and I would be pissed if they were getting married and the bride's cousins were in the wedding and I wasn't...not because I want to be difficult, but I am very close to both of my brothers and I know that they would want me in their weddings, and for the bride not to take that into consideration is rude. That shows that she probably doesn't care about the groom's opinion. Oh I also have 2 daughters and you'd best beleive that if they were not in the wedding and the bride chose someone not as close instead, I'd have a problem....she would HATE having me as a sis in law. But that's how my family is though. And no, it's not because I've never been in a wedding, I have been in 5, and my oldest DD has been in 3 and my youngest has been in 2, that's just how close my family and friends are.

 

[browneyes106]

I may be in the minority, but I have 2 brothers and I would be pissed if they were getting married and the bride's cousins were in the wedding and I wasn't...not because I want to be difficult, but I am very close to both of my brothers and I know that they would want me in their weddings, and for the bride not to take that into consideration is rude. That shows that she probably doesn't care about the groom's opinion. Oh I also have 2 daughters and you'd best beleive that if they were not in the wedding and the bride chose someone not as close instead, I'd have a problem....she would HATE having me as a sis in law. But that's how my family is though. And no, it's not because I've never been in a wedding, I have been in 5, and my oldest DD has been in 3 and my youngest has been in 2, that's just how close my family and friends are.

I can see your point. My friend and her brother are very close but I think her brother doesn't care about her as much as she cares about him. I do think it was rude for the bride to consider her bf's sister. But like I have mentioned in my previous posts the bride since the engagement hasn't really wanted anything to do with the groom's family. She basically blows off the extended family like the aunts, uncles and cousins. Back in May the groom's cousin made her first Holy Communion and they groom and his fiancee were invited. The groom went to the post party with his parents and the fiancee was supposed to show up meet at the party. She did go to the reception hall but from her car she called the groom's cell and told him to come out and they would go over to her house. She didn't even go inside the party to see hi to the family. During the planning of the wedding she given duties to her own relatives regarding the pictures, food, and other things. My friend's relatives have offered services and the groom and bride basically tell them no and that the bride's family is taking of food, cake and pictures. I can see why my friend is made about the bride's nieces and nephews being in the wedding while she isn't.

 

[Pakey]

I think weddings are between the bride and groom and are nobody else's business. I have 2 brothers; was not in either of their weddings. I didn't cre then and I still don't care 30 years later. Two of our 3 sons are married, both had large weddings; we never got involved in their plans or felt the need to compete with the brides' families on who was getting more attention.

This is the bride and groom's day; their celebration. I think that they are under no obligation to take anyone else's oversensitive feelings into consideration.