Do you think the groom's sister should be in the wedding party?

[LisaZee]

I guess I'm in the minority, too. I know I crabbed about the big red dress my SIL picked for us, but it was important for me to be in my bro's wedding. In my world, we always have siblings...

And, I don't agree that a wedding is about the bride and groom. That's what a marriage is. Then go to a courthouse and leave everyone out of it. If you want to involve others and have a wedding-wedding and do it up, you have to to take into consideration those who you are asking to witness your commitment and are making sacrifices to attend and participate.

Some brides and grooms are quick to expect from their familes and guests - to plan the showers, to wear the dresses and tuxes, to give the presents, to rearrange their schedules... but then turn around and say "We want it OUR way. It's OUR day. Dance to the crappy music WE want. Sit with strangers instead of your college friends cuz it's easier for US. Eat the vegetarian food WE eat. Wear the ugly expensive dress I like even though you look horrible in it."

I'm sorry, but that's wrong. Reserve a Justice of the Peace and send out wedding announcements after the fact.

 

[BMNABrinx]

DD just got married last Saturday. She chose the girls she wanted to stand up with her and her DH chose the guys he wanted to stand up with him. They planned the wedding together and I helped put it all together with them. It was beautiful! It was their wedding and their choices. I do have a family member that I found out had hurt feelings for not being in the wedding but that is another story! I know that DD didn't mean any harm just didn't think he was interested.
It really sounds like the groom in this case needs to speak up if he doesn't like the way things are being planned. DD & her DH looked at their wedding as joining two lives, two families and two sets of friends. It all worked out perfectly.
When my DB got married I was at his wedding but not in it and it didn't bother me a bit. I was just happy to be at the ceremony. I did stand up with my sister a few years earlier. I personally would rather be an observer than a participant.

 

[sunnyday123]

IMO, your friend is coming off as a whiny brat, stamping her foot and saying, "But I wanna be in the wedding! It's not fair! I hate her!"

The bride and groom each select the people they want to have in the wedding. If the bride and SIL-to-be aren't close and she doesn't ask her to be in the wedding, it isn't an insult. And especially when there are children involved...they're starting a family and they want the ceremony to be done that way, as a family.

Tell her not to say anything to anyone. One day, she and her SIL may be very close...or they may not. Crying to you is one thing, but throwing a fit because you want to be in a wedding and nobody asked you to be in it...not a smart idea.

I don't see where the OP said she was having a fit or any foot stomping was going on. My take on this is that ( and we weren't given specific information ) was that the BF wanted to share in the brothers special day. Sisters are generally a step closer in the family then nieces and nephews. My feelings would be hurt if my brother didn't ask me to share in his day in some way and there were people in it who weren't as close to him as I was. The brides children should absolutely be in the wedding, but I don't understand why the sister wasn't asked. Could be there is a rift between them or with the bride.

 

[DebbieB]

My brother announced this summer he was getting married for the THIRD time next May, to a woman he knew barely 6 months. I was a bridesmaid in his first wedding in 1990 (large church wedding), my other brother was an usher (which did cause hurt feelings that he chose a friend as best man). His second wedding in 2004 was small, 1 attendent each side, I was not in it, my other brother was best man. Lasted about 2 years. This third wedding was the bride's first and was going to large with 6 or 7 attendent's on each side. Yikes! I was praying they would not ask me. At 49, I didn't want to play bridesmaid again, especially considering his marital history (he was verbally abusive to both his wives which caused the breakups, but he didn't see that). My other brother swore when he got divorced the second time that he would not even go to another wedding of his (he had a couple broken engagements in between too), let alone be in it. My brother told me he was going to ask him to be best man again, I could see a huge blowup coming. In the end, this engagement lasted all of 2 weeks, it was called off (by him). I said to him I was worried she was going to ask me to be in it (I never met her, just 1 phone call), he said she had friends she wanted to have but was worried I would be upset that I wasn't asked. I said I would not have been upset!

 

[browneyes106]

I don't see where the OP said she was having a fit or any foot stomping was going on. My take on this is that ( and we weren't given specific information ) was that the BF wanted to share in the brothers special day. Sisters are generally a step closer in the family then nieces and nephews. My feelings would be hurt if my brother didn't ask me to share in his day in some way and there were people in it who weren't as close to him as I was. The brides children should absolutely be in the wedding, but I don't understand why the sister wasn't asked. Could be there is a rift between them or with the bride.

She simply asked her brother about the selection of the wedding party and why nobody from their side of the wedding was included in the wedding party. I don't think it is right that the whole party consists her four kids, two nieces and nephews. I agree I think the sister is closer to the groom than the bride's nieces and nephews. The brides has two sons and two daughters. I don't think each kid needs a partner. My friend feels that way and I agree with her.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I think that the bride is incredibly selfish, the brother is incredibly weak, and they both are insufferably inconsiderate.

I totally agree with this!

 

[TomLovesBecky]

First of all, I agree 100% with those who said it's up to the bride and groom who stands up for them, PERIOD. Your friend might just be the only woman in the known universe who actually wants to buy an ugly dress and spend God only knows how much money on accessories, makeup, and hair...when she could just as easily wear something nice and show up to support her brother sans costume. She sounds a little immature, to me. It's weird that she is upset the bride's CHILDREN (hello, WAY more important to their union than the sister/sister-in-law) are in the wedding and she isn't. Jealous of a child over something most reasonable people avoid like the plague? I don't get it. I am very close to my sister and I wouldn't freak out if I wasn't in her wedding but her daughter was. Now if I wasn't in her wedding and her hairdresser, 3rd grade teacher, and the girl who sells her Mary Kay were, I'd be a little hurt. Otherwise, so what?
Hey, you asked.

 

[TomLovesBecky]

Some brides and grooms are quick to expect from their familes and guests - to plan the showers, to wear the dresses and tuxes, to give the presents, to rearrange their schedules... but then turn around and say "We want it OUR way. It's OUR day. Dance to the crappy music WE want. Sit with strangers instead of your college friends cuz it's easier for US. Eat the vegetarian food WE eat. Wear the ugly expensive dress I like even though you look horrible in it."

I'm sorry, but that's wrong. Reserve a Justice of the Peace and send out wedding announcements after the fact.

Sounds like you have some really inconsiderate family members and friends.

I've never once been to a wedding with horrible food, music, and icky strangers I didn't want to talk to. And I've been to a lot of weddings. As for the bridesmaid dress thing, MOST of them are hideously ugly. That's kind of the point, isn't it?

I think it's nuts to say the bride and groom should focus on others to the exclusion of things THEY enjoy, on THEIR wedding day. How about you just decline invitations from now on, since they obviously piss you off?

 

[PaulaSue]

My best friend is really hurting right now. She only has one brother. She had another brother that died 8 years ago. Her brother is getting married to a woman with four children. Two boys and two girls. My friend has never been in a wedding and was really hoping she would at least get to be in her brother's wedding. Just a couple of days ago my friend found that the woman's four children will be in the wedding and they will each have partner that is their cousin. Nobody from the groom's side will be in the wedding party. I think it is really unfair to the groom's family. A wedding is about two people and two families coming together. I don't think it looks right for only the bride's side of the family to be in the wedding party. What do you all think about this? Please share opinions, thoughts or experiences.

Sorry your friend is hurt but it is up to the Bride and Groom.

 

[Carys]

A bit of diplomacy here would have gone a long way on the brother's part. Leaving out a sole sibling in favour of a handful of more removed relatives is sending a negative message to her, unless the couple explains it to be otherwise.

The brother should have broken the news in a way that made it clear it was for reasons other than her simply being so far down his pecking order that another couple's kids made the cut before she did, or he should have found a way to include her in the events. (Or maybe with the bride's influence she really is just that far down her brother's personal pecking order? That's what I'd be focusing on if I were her - strenghtening the relationship with the brother, not arguing with the bride).

There are plenty of practical reasons why it might not be a pecking order issue. Alternatively, he simply didn't realise she had been overlooked and then wasn't diplomatic enough to find another small part in the proceedings, such as one of the readings which are currently both being done by relatives from the bride's side. Depending on the reading, it can often be very sweet to share a reading between two people - it would send a lovely message if she could alternate lines with one of the aunts, symbolic of cooperation between the families.

As others have said, if all else fails to comfort her, she should consider it a close call from being bridezilla's handmaiden, and should be prepared to give her brother the support he'll need from day 2 of the marriage on, even if it seems he doesn't value it on day 1.

(This of course all depends on which side of the argument you stand on whether if a couple invites people to celebrate their marriage with them they should be considerate of their family and friends even if it means they have to compromise on things they may have looked forward to and wished for for a long time, or whether they should have everything done their way with no regard to hurt feelings just because they bought a great big white frock to do the deed in! I can go either way depending on the particular issue).

 

[disykat]

I still think it's weird that the groom chooses the bridesmaids and visa versa, I've just never heard of that. While I expected to be in my sister's wedding, I wouldn't have expected to be in my brother's unless he married my best friend!

 

[LisaZee]

Sounds like you have some really inconsiderate family members and friends.

I've never once been to a wedding with horrible food, music, and icky strangers I didn't want to talk to. And I've been to a lot of weddings. As for the bridesmaid dress thing, MOST of them are hideously ugly. That's kind of the point, isn't it?

I think it's nuts to say the bride and groom should focus on others to the exclusion of things THEY enjoy, on THEIR wedding day. How about you just decline invitations from now on, since they obviously piss you off?

Ouch. I wasn't actually talking exclusively about weddings I'VE gone to - but also those I've listened to others vent about. I was a bridal consultant for years, so I've pretty much heard it all. Ok, the dress thing was totally me, though. Busted :

I'm not saying people should be miserable and do nothing for themselves, but I DO think they need to take the important people in their lives into consideration - when they make the decision to involve others in the first place. I don't enjoy oldies music, but I played it at my reception as I knew my guests would enjoy it. It didn't make me miserable to hear Chubby Checker singing the twist, but I would have rather been playing Motley Crue.

I don't think anyone is disagreeing that yes, decisions are obviously ultimately up to the bride and groom who are presumably paying for the shindig, but I don't think the couple should be surprised when perhaps not everyone is copacetic with the way those decisions were being made. Not taking the imporant people in your lives into consideration is NOT going to bring anyone/ any families closer together, which is ultimately the goal of such a union.

 

[PaulaSB12]

They are very close. Well a week ago my friend asked her brother about it and he made up an excuse that his fiancee's family is bigger and more important. Then the next day the fiancee called my friend's mom and told her off and used the excuse that her and her family are very close and that her side of the family deserves to have more involvement in the wedding. She also told the mom that her family wasn't close likes her so they shouldn't be involved. I'm trying my best to comfort my friend. She was really upset earlier when she came over to visit me.

Your friend is not going to be seeing her brother much at all. If thats her attitude now then she is definatly detaching him from his family, this is going to end in divorce and I bet if he was trying the same thing to her family people would be advising her to get away from such a control freak. I mean really he has 1 sister not high numbers and they are close bridezilla is the trouble not the sister.

 

[Master Mason]

I was not in either of my brother's weddings or my sisters wedding. Wasn't a problem for me.

 

[maslex]

When I got married I had 5 bridesmaids (which included MY sister and my DH's sister) We also had 5 groomsmen (which included MY brother--DH has NO brothers)

Fast foward 9-10yrs. DH's sister gets married. She has no sisters but has always considered me her sister (we've always been pretty close) so naturally I'm figuring I'm going to be asked to be in the wedding. I mean I've ALWAYS been there for her, ALWAYS babysat her son, ALWAYS was the sister she never had AND she had been in my wedding as a bridesmaid. Well, I was wrong. Thing is...there was 1 best man and 6 groomsmen (including my DH which the groom barely knew but he decided since it was his wife's brother, he'd include him) The bride had 1 maid of honor and TWO bridesmaids. So there was 6 groomsmen and 2 bridesmaids. EVERY wedding I've been to the wedding party has always been "even". KWIM? She even mentioned to me that she had NO ONE else to ask. BULL!!!!
MY reason she didn't ask me. I"M OVERWEIGHT and she did NOT want to mess up her wedding pictures by having me in them. SERIOUSLY, she is SO like that. But I"m laughing now because instead of being her perfect little size 4 anymore, she's cranking a size 16 now.

 

[bellebud]

It does sound like the bride is excluding his family for some reason. Has anyone hurt her in the past? Has anyone said anything about her starting to have kids at 16yo w/ different men, and it got back to her??? That's my guess.

As far as the neices/nephews and her kids... they are all considered the *children* in a family, no matter their real age. A sibling is considered a pier (is that the right spelling?) of the bride and groom, so is on a different level than the *children* of the family, no matter the actual age of the siblings. So it sounds like the bride is having all the attendants be *children* for whatever reason. Is the bride an only child? If she is, she may be jealous of the groom/sister relationship, or she may not understand the relationship, or she may not care. Or she may think if it were a brother, it would be a different story and the groom would have him in the wedding party, but since it's a sister and not her sister, it's not a big deal. And if she's not an only child, she's also not including her own siblings, right?

The sister should keep quiet - I don't think expressing her feelings at this point is going to make anything better, and will probably only make it worse. It will make her seem very immature - the bride will probably think "i already have 4 kids... I don't need another *kid* in my family. this is a sister, not a child"... and the bride will once again be questioned on her choices... and if I were the sister, I wouldn't want to be in the wedding party because the bride felt forced to have me. no thanks.

after the wedding, the sister can try to slowly develop a relationship w/ the bride if she wants. she can also keep her relationship w/ her brother if it doesn't work out w/ the bride. she can call bro on his cell phone occasionally to say HI. She can meet him at his work for lunch occasionally. Of course it's better to have a relationship w/ both of them, but if it turns out this bride is an evil person and looking to separate her groom from his family, the sis does have a few options.

 

[Nancyg56]

My friend's mom called the brother later on to say that she felt about the wedding party choices. He probably told his gf. I thought it was wrong for the bride to tell my friend's mom that her family deserved more involvement in the wedding because they are very close and that my friend's family isn't close. The cracks that formed with the bride actually started before my friend spoke up about the wedding party. Since the beginning the bride has included most of her family in the wedding planning. Her sister in law is making the cake and her aunt is going to be the wedding photographer. My friend's aunts and uncles have offered to help decorate, make food and stuff and my friend's brother and his gf basically told them that their help wasn't needed and the bride's family would be involved in those aspects. A month ago my friend said that her cousin who has a DJ business offered to DJ free of charge and her brother and his fiancee told him no. The bride and groom announced their engagement back in December 07. Since then they never attend any events that involve the groom's family. The bride seems like she doesn't want anything to do with the groom's family.

I think your friend is getting off easy. This is not going to end up well and the further she is from this the better.

I think that the bride is incredibly selfish, the brother is incredibly weak, and they both are insufferably inconsiderate.

ITA! I never get why people are always quick to blame the IL. It's the other woman, it's the GF, it's the wife, it's the MIL. IMO, no one holds a gun to anyone's head to be a wimp. If the bride is treating members of the brother's family in a shabby manner then shame on him for sitting back and allowing it. MY DH sister treats all of her IL's in a terrible manner and even my DH holds her responsible for the boys not seeing his BIL's family. Are you kidding me? If he did not support the nasty behavior he would not be tolerating it. I asked DH if I would be able to treat his family like that, ignore the children or be rude to people he cares about. He was flabbergasted that I would even think that would fly. Well, same here.

I can see your point. My friend and her brother are very close but I think her brother doesn't care about her as much as she cares about him. I do think it was rude for the bride to consider her bf's sister. But like I have mentioned in my previous posts the bride since the engagement hasn't really wanted anything to do with the groom's family. She basically blows off the extended family like the aunts, uncles and cousins. Back in May the groom's cousin made her first Holy Communion and they groom and his fiancee were invited. The groom went to the post party with his parents and the fiancee was supposed to show up meet at the party. She did go to the reception hall but from her car she called the groom's cell and told him to come out and they would go over to her house. She didn't even go inside the party to see hi to the family. During the planning of the wedding she given duties to her own relatives regarding the pictures, food, and other things. My friend's relatives have offered services and the groom and bride basically tell them no and that the bride's family is taking of food, cake and pictures. I can see why my friend is made about the bride's nieces and nephews being in the wedding while she isn't.

Browneyes, do your friend a favor and help her to step back from this. The girl wants nothing to do with his family, he brother is participating in this nonsense and anything that his family does to show their displeasure is going to backfire.

I do have to wonder if part of the disconnect has to do with the attitude surrounding the girls past and her children. It was mentioned in the OP and I cannot see how any of that has to do with the situation other than the kids in the wedding. I am a little sensitive to that because I have three children from my first marriage. My first husband passed when the kids were little and Buddy is really the only father they know. Even though they are all adults now most of my DH family has never accepted the kids and held my marriage against me. I have let that go although my DH has not.

If the bride to be sensed that there was some kind of distaste for her or her children she may have been angry or hurt enough to give the brother an ultimatum and she got the short stick. I say that because the brother is no prize her, he has not stood up for his family and I bet he never stood up for her if there was a problem. He just slinks into the background and lets someone else handle the details. Now he can blame the bride if things go badly. He can blame his family if they don't play nice with the bride. And he is just a poor victim stick in the middle.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My best friend is really hurting right now. She only has one brother. She had another brother that died 8 years ago. Her brother is getting married to a woman with four children. Two boys and two girls. My friend has never been in a wedding and was really hoping she would at least get to be in her brother's wedding. Just a couple of days ago my friend found that the woman's four children will be in the wedding and they will each have partner that is their cousin. Nobody from the groom's side will be in the wedding party. I think it is really unfair to the groom's family. A wedding is about two people and two families coming together. I don't think it looks right for only the bride's side of the family to be in the wedding party. What do you all think about this? Please share opinions, thoughts or experiences.

Yes, if they going to have a 'wedding', then it would only seem right/fair for both sides to be in the weddig party....

HOWEVER, the bride usually picks her bridal party... (bridesmaids, etc...) and the groom usually picks his groomsmen...

So, even in a best case scenario, there is only just the chance that the sister (your friend) be chosen as a bridesmaid...

And, in this case, this seems to be, at least, a second marriage of a mature bride and groom, who have their own children to accomodate. (The brother IS now the 'stepfather'.)

I really think that perhaps your sister has some 'issues' going on here...
She will be at the wedding...
she will celebrate her brothers marriage...
She will be, I am assuming, in the family wedding photos. etc...

If the friends brother is not happy about not being able to choose any of his friends as groomsmen, then that is his thing to deal with. (And, it does sound odd, and a bit selfish for the bride to choose the entire wedding party...)

I know that this may sound a bit harsh or 'direct'... But, this is her brothers deal... How it is being handled is up to him and his new wife... I think the friend may have some issues of her own to deal with if she is that concerned, and feels that entitled, to be a part of the actual wedding party.

 

[browneyes106]

A bit of diplomacy here would have gone a long way on the brother's part. Leaving out a sole sibling in favour of a handful of more removed relatives is sending a negative message to her, unless the couple explains it to be otherwise.

The brother should have broken the news in a way that made it clear it was for reasons other than her simply being so far down his pecking order that another couple's kids made the cut before she did, or he should have found a way to include her in the events. (Or maybe with the bride's influence she really is just that far down her brother's personal pecking order? That's what I'd be focusing on if I were her - strenghtening the relationship with the brother, not arguing with the bride).

There are plenty of practical reasons why it might not be a pecking order issue. Alternatively, he simply didn't realise she had been overlooked and then wasn't diplomatic enough to find another small part in the proceedings, such as one of the readings which are currently both being done by relatives from the bride's side. Depending on the reading, it can often be very sweet to share a reading between two people - it would send a lovely message if she could alternate lines with one of the aunts, symbolic of cooperation between the families.

As others have said, if all else fails to comfort her, she should consider it a close call from being bridezilla's handmaiden, and should be prepared to give her brother the support he'll need from day 2 of the marriage on, even if it seems he doesn't value it on day 1.

(This of course all depends on which side of the argument you stand on whether if a couple invites people to celebrate their marriage with them they should be considerate of their family and friends even if it means they have to compromise on things they may have looked forward to and wished for for a long time, or whether they should have everything done their way with no regard to hurt feelings just because they bought a great big white frock to do the deed in! I can go either way depending on the particular issue).

My friend understands the children being in the wedding she is upset that the two nieces and nephews of the bride are going to be partnered with the children. The wedding is going to be a Catholic Mass. In Mass weddings each scripture reading is done by person completely. I talked to my friend last night and only of the aunts is going to be doing a reading and another niece of the bride will be doing the other reading. Now so far only one relative of the groom is going to participate in the ceremonies.

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS: I just went a wedding, as member of the grooms guestlist... (my nephew)

I heard an old saying that might be applicable here...
I was out with my sister, the mother of the groom, the morning of the wedding... We told some woman that we were chatting with that her son was getting married later that day...

Instead of saying "Then what are you doing here...."
They laughed and said, "Well, you have heard the old saying haven't you... All the mother of the groom has to do is wear beige and be quiet..."

The only real involvement that our side had in the actually ceremony was that I actually did one of the two readings.

I am now the mother of an only son... and I can honestly say that I have NO problem with this!!!

I know that when I and my DH got married, I did not want my inlaws calling all the shots... To me, a wedding is indeed kind of the 'brides' day.