Do you think she has the right to be mad?

[mumom95]

Since a fire pit is such a large heavy item it probably would have been difficult for her to pick that up at Lowe's for you. Loading, unloading, etc. I also can only imagine how much the shipping charges would be on such a heavy item. Giving you the money to buy it yourself sounds reasonable and generous to me.

I would agree with this except a couple of years ago she was getting my BIL a large chair from COSTCO and she had me go out and buy it, store it in our garage and then transport it to BIL's house on Christmas. The firepit I'm looking at getting is one of those small black ones that only cost like $75, so it certainly isn't bigger than the chair was.

 

[blissventure]

I would agree with this except a couple of years ago she was getting my BIL a large chair from COSTCO and she had me go out and buy it, store it in our garage and then transport it to BIL's house on Christmas. The firepit I'm looking at getting is one of those small black ones that only cost like $75, so it certainly isn't bigger than the chair was.

Sigh....I would have turned that job over to DH, and then moved on. If DH has a bad back or totally wasn't available, then I would have worked out with Costco a recommended delivery guy...or home delivery.

In the big picture, you pick your battles. If you can say yes in a way that works for you, great. If not, then you'll need to politely say no. Either way, life's too short to have "gifts" be the source of annoyance.

Sometimes when you set polite boundaries it's a way of looking out for your own happiness, too. And the answer for those situations where you feel you can't say no? Say "It's just not possible." Then change the subject, or repeat.

 

[mumom95]

If you want surprised, then have your MIL give your DH the check and he can shop and wrap her presents to you. BTW this is what I have done more than once for my DH.

She won't do this, we've tried. Her reason, "Men work hard and shouldn't be bothered with those kinds of things". This is why in the past she's always had me get my BIL's presents, so he wouldn't have to be bothered by it. We've suggested she just write him a check and she says she can't do that. I don't mind one bit getting my dh's presents for her.

 

[Bren's Mom]

You are probably right about the being right versus being happy part. Although, you are also assuming I don't have a crappy MIL, which, where there are MILs that are much worse than mine, I definitely would not say I'm lucky to have the one I do.
<snip>
She doesn't know I'm upset about her being upset, so there really isn't anything to drop. If she brings it up again, I'll probably just go out and buy the fire pit.

You're right. I did assume from the fact that it seems you have some sort of relationship that she wasn't one of THOSE MILs. LOL

You have another option. If you WANT a good relationship with your MIL and don't want your feelings hurt again you can always sit down and have a talk with her. Perhaps if you invited her for coffee and said you haven't minded helping with her shopping in the past and certainly are appreciative that she remembers you with gifts (albeit one you have to shop for yourself) but that you were hurt this past Christmas when she seemed to take care in shopping for everyone but you. She can't read your mind.

 

[mumom95]

Sigh....I would have turned that job over to DH, and then moved on. If DH has a bad back or totally wasn't available, then I would have worked out with Costco a recommended delivery guy...or home delivery.

In the big picture, you pick your battles. If you can say yes in a way that works for you, great. If not, then you'll need to politely say no. Either way, life's too short to have "gifts" be the source of annoyance.

Sometimes when you set polite boundaries it's a way of looking out for your own happiness, too. And the answer for those situations where you feel you can't say no? "It's just not possible." Then change the subject, or repeat.

I'm not sure why you sighed, I don't think anywhere I said I had a problem doing this. Someone said that a firepit is too large of an item to have someone else buy for me, and I was pointing out that she doesn't have an issue with size and asking other people to purchase things for someone else that are large.

I'm not sure where I would say "It's just not possible". She never asked me to buy it myself, until after she gave me the check on Christmas, and then she didn't ask, she just said "this is for the firepit". Do you think then I should have said "No, it's not possible, you need to purchase it for me." I guess that would have been the brave thing to do, but she would have started crying and I doubt that would have made for a good Christmas. I'll admit that I'm a big wimp when it comes to my MIL and that is a big part of the problem.

I understand what you mean when you say "you pick your own battles" I just don't understand what you mean about saying yes and no in this situation.

 

[PaulaSue]

I've got an in-law vent to make, and just wondering if the majority of people would agree with me on this one, or my MIL on this one.

A little back story. I've been married for almost 13 years. My MIL when it comes to presents spends about the same amount on everyone, so she is very fair in that regards. My MIL lives in a little town where the biggest store they have is a Walmart. The nearest city with a mall is about a 45 minute drive (we live about 2 hours from her). So for years, she has asked me to buy a lot everyones presents, including my own. She pays me for everything, but I'm the one who does most of the shopping and wrapping (I wrap them because often times I'm not going to see her between buying them and Christmas). I didn't mind so much, because she was taking care of her sick mother and it was hard for her to travel the hour to a mall.

Well, the past couple of years she has gotten out more (my grandmother in law passed away) and done a lot more of her buying, except for me, she usually still just writes me a check or asks me to go out and get what I want and then pays me for it. But she doesn't do this for the other family members, she buys them their stuff (I know this because she's always telling me on the phone how she went from store to store to find my SIL's perfume or BIL's bike stuff).

This past Christmas she asked what I wanted and I told her a fire pit and she asked what kind. I got online, found the one I wanted at Loews. It wasn't at the Loews where my MIL lives, but was at the one right by my BIL's house (which is about 15 minutes away from me) or it could be ordered online. I printed it out on and gave it to her on Thanksgiving and said this is the one I would like. I didn't offer to go buy it myself and she didn't ask. Honestly, I was hoping for once she would put the effort into getting it herself, ordering it online or asking my BIL to go get it.

So Christmas comes and I get a check for it. And I have to admit, I'm a little bummed. I was really hoping for once I would get the same effort that everyone else gets. But I never said anything to her, because after all, she did give me the money for it.

Well, it's June and we still haven't bought the fire pit. I'm not exactly sure why, we just haven't gotten out to do. Well, my MIL said something the other day and I told her we hadn't bought it, and she's upset. And, now, I'm a bit upset (funny how that works with women). In my opinion, since I never agreed before Christmas that it was ok just to give me a check, I feel she doesn't have the right to get upset. In my opinion, she gave me money for Christmas, and if she wasn't willing to go buy what she wanted me to use the money on, she doesn't have the right to be mad at me if I use it on other things (the money was just put into the checking account, not really used for any one thing).

I'll probably eventually buy the fire pit, and this isn't something that is going to cause a major rift in the family. But I'd just like to know what other people think. Is it ok to give someone money for Christmas and then get upset if they don't use it to buy what you wanted them buy with it?

I disagree , she asked you what you wanted and gave you a check to pay for it. She didn't tell you to get it out of the blue, you said YOU wanted it. I would be upset. Maybe she wouldn't have spent so much if you didn't aks for that.

 

[Nie0214]

This year for Christmas, don't tell her you want anything. If she asks, say "I don't know...surpriose me" and see what happens. If she gives you cash again, then you won't be in the same position you are this year, because the cash won't be "earmarked" for anything specific.

I don't agree. Passive-aggressive responses don't solve anything, it just makes her even more unaware that you have a problem while you sit around feeling like you "won" an imaginary war.

Look at it from her POV, for 13 years she gave you the money and you did the shopping and bought exactly what she told you to buy. This year she gave you a check, said it was for a fire-pit, and you didn't buy exactly what she told you to buy. You should talk to her.

 

[mumom95]

You're right. I did assume from the fact that it seems you have some sort of relationship that she wasn't one of THOSE MILs. LOL

You have another option. If you WANT a good relationship with your MIL and don't want your feelings hurt again you can always sit down and have a talk with her. Perhaps if you invited her for coffee and said you haven't minded helping with her shopping in the past and certainly are appreciative that she remembers you with gifts (albeit one you have to shop for yourself) but that you were hurt this past Christmas when she seemed to take care in shopping for everyone but you. She can't read your mind.

You are right, she can't read my mind. And you are probably right that the best thing to do would be sit down and talk to her. But, unfortunately, I know I won't do that. My MIL did something to me once that hurt me, and I tried to as gently as I could tell her it hurt me. She got so emotional and wouldn't talk to me for 3 months. Not because she was mad, but because she said she was too embarrassed to face me. It really put a strain on the family, because my kids adore her so much (she is a great grandmother) and put a strain on my marriage, because frankly, I was ticked that she was acting so juvenile and my poor dh was put in the middle. It eventually blew over, and we got back to normal. But I really just don't want to go through that again.

Another poster had a good idea, this year when she asks I'll just say "I don't know, surprise me". And I won't get my hopes up that she's going to put much effort into it. She is generous on the amount she gives me for the gift.

 

[blissventure]

I'm not sure why you sighed, I don't think anywhere I said I had a problem doing this. Someone said that a firepit is too large of an item to have someone else buy for me, and I was pointing out that she doesn't have an issue with size and asking other people to purchase things for someone else that are large.

I'm not sure where I would say "It's just not possible". She never asked me to buy it myself, until after she gave me the check on Christmas, and then she didn't ask, she just said "this is for the firepit". Do you think then I should have said "No, it's not possible, you need to purchase it for me." I guess that would have been the brave thing to do, but she would have started crying and I doubt that would have made for a good Christmas. I'll admit that I'm a big wimp when it comes to my MIL and that is a big part of the problem.

I understand what you mean when you say "you pick your own battles" I just don't understand what you mean about saying yes and no in this situation.

I'm sorry I wasn't more clear. I think you ought to buy your own firepit and have it delivered, or have DH help you pick it up. I don't think you should "have" to shop for other family members...especially for oversized very heavy items. That said, I'm assuming that your MIL is in relatively good health, and doesn't truly need assistance. If she can order through catalogs, stop by the mall, or give a check, she has those options. You also have the option to say,(an example here) "It's just not possible" if she asks you to buy Uncle Ralph a barbecue grill, pick it up and put it together on Ralph's patio.
You can suggest a store that would do that for her. I'd make sure DH is understanding that you want to give MIL options for shopping--and there are lots of great ways she can have the items she selects delivered. There's a catalog for just about everything these days. Maybe you could help her with that. And there is a place for compromise. Maybe if she wants to go shopping WITH you, you both could knock out a bit of the list and then have some lunch. (Nothing that would be heavy or awkward...I'm talking about stuff like sweaters, little stuff.)
I wouldn't get caught up in the details of what "men" should have or not have to do. That's her opinion. She can always give them a check. She'll have to decide that for herself.
Hope this helps. I can hear your frustrated. Wishing you the very best of luck in this tricky situation.

 

[mumom95]

I don't agree. Passive-aggressive responses don't solve anything, it just makes her even more unaware that you have a problem while you sit around feeling like you "won" an imaginary war.

Look at it from her POV, for 13 years she gave you the money and you did the shopping and bought exactly what she told you to buy. This year she gave you a check, said it was for a fire-pit, and you didn't buy exactly what she told you to buy. You should talk to her.

I do want to clear up one thing that I think I misled people with in my original post. It isn't like she has never bought me a gift in the 13 years, she has put some effort in here and there. But in general, I have done most of the shopping, especially during the years her mother was sick. And for the first 4 years of our marriage we lived across country, so sending a check is what made sense.

But you are right, I have never complained to her (other than the one time my dh mentioned it was rude to her, but he never said I said that) so she had no way of knowing it bothered me.