Do you think it is wrong . . .

[Marseeya]

What age can a child handle learning these things anyway?

In my situation, DS's "sperm donor" wanted nothing to do with a baby, so I wasn't about to go through the hassle of enforced child support and court issues. Young and stupid, very very stupid. I wish I would have at least had the father sign away his rights. I did do the "name withheld" thing on the birth certificate, which caused me some problems when DH and I thought about having him adopt DS.

At any rate, I've never lied to DS, but I also haven't forced any information on him. I've given him the bare minimum of details and let him know that I'll tell him whatever he wants to know when he's ready.

I'm so not looking forward to that day, especially if he wants to go find his sperm donor! I doubt that would ever happen, but I still have a little bit of fear over it.

 

[barkley]

other problems can occur when the child reaches adulthood-imagine trying to take care of the medical or financial affairs of your elderly father and learning you have no legal ability to do so.

i've known of situations wherein the matter of paternity was no secret but marital status was. the kids have always believed mom and dad were married-they called each other husband and wife, celebrated "anniversaries"...but mom unexpectedly dies and the kids learn no marriage existed so dad has no legal right to take care of mom's affairs (and in some nasty family situations an opportunist sibling demands that mom's monies and joint holdings get disolved to go to the kids-leaving dad out in the cold).

 

[tnkbl]

I personally feel it is wrong to lie to your kids about something so important as who theri biological parents are.
My DD is adopted, she is four and she knows that her Daddy and I are not her birth parents. She knows her birth parents by name and a picture and parys for them nightly. We don't have to worry later about the cat coming out of the bag and haviong to deal with an angry tween, teenager or any age person to her.
I know personally that sometimes it gets out when the child enters school and then what is a mother to do.
I would not lie about it to my child.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Well whatever floats their boat. I can say that it is bad--but I'm not in their shoes.

However when they are 18--they need to know the truth...so mom needs to find out what is better..lying to their child now and revealing when they are 18....or just being honest from the git go.

The reason I say 18--that's adult hood...and also for genetics reasons...okay maybe you could wait until the kid is ready to have kids of their own...but also for medical. That child is entitled for their own health to know their health background. And fake daddies health traits cannot be inherited no matter how much mommy wants him to *really* be the daddy.

I just don't think you should lie to children. You did what you did with baby's mommy or daddy. Years of deceit can come back and bite you in the butt. I honestly cannot think of a valid reason to withhold the information at all. (And not telling child until they are old enough to understand i.e. adoptive parents--not the same as lying for a long time and when you tell your child they will view it as a lie--and the longer you hold it, the worse it becomes!)

Just my $.02.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I was adopted 47 years ago from an orphanage in Korea at the age of 4. As a matter of fact I was the first child adopted from a foreign country.

My biological mother was Korean and my biological father was Sicilian. I never felt the need to find my "real parents" since I always thought of my parents as the real ones.

My parents always told me I was theirs by choice. It would have been very hard to conceal since my parents and brother all had blonde hair and blue eyes while here I was with almost black hair and dark brown eyes.

I am so glad they loved me enough to always tell me the truth and could not envision all of the ramifications of being lied to for years.

 

[jennyl772003]

I know someone who has her kids call whoever is the current boyfriend "dad". It drives me nuts, but really "dad" starts to lose meaning to the kids. In their heads "dad" and "mom's boyfriend" mean the same thing.

Now, My DS knows he used to have a different dad. He doesn't remember him, but I answer his questions. It was never a matter of telling him. It was just a fact that when I talked about it, was a fact.

Not, "DS, you used to have a different dad". It was something we talked about more casually without a lot of fanfare.

As far as no dad listed on a Birth Cert. Since I was not married when DS was born, no father was listed on his BC. It didn't say "unknown" or anything, there just wasn't anything there.

 

[C.Ann]

I know of 4 personal situations like this - one of them involving me..

I was adopted as an infant and accidentally learned the truth when I was around 15.. (Actually I had always suspected something before that - can't explain why - just a "gut feeling").. I reacted VERY badly to the news - felt I had been "lied" to for years - and put my poor Mom and Dad through the wringer.. I eventually resolved those feelings - learned who my bio parents were - and life went on.. However, it was VERY ugly for awhile..

A friend became pg when she was 18.. The bio father took off running.. Another fella she began to see during the pregnancy asked her to marry him and agreed to be named the father on the BC.. The child is close to 40 now and still has no idea that the man she was raised by was not her bio father..

Another friend had an affair while married and became pg.. Never told her DH.. Later divorced him, but to this day, both he and the child think they are father and daughter.. She's in her mid-20's now..

A relative also had an affair while married and became pg.. She's still married to her DH - the child is in her 20's - and neither the Dad nor the DD know that he is not her father..

I dread the day when these young women learn the truth.. And I dread the day when the Dad's who "thought" they were bio dads find out that they're not.. This kind of info has a way of coming out sooner or later and it's going to be way BEYOND horrible for the people involved..

The Mom's may have thought they were doing what was "best", but when the truth comes out there is going to be a very, very heavy price to pay..

 

[Pigeon]

A child has a right to know who his or her father is, period, if such information is available. If the child doesn't have the right to know, who does? Children are entitled to accurate information about their medical histories, as it can greatly affect decisions they may have to make about their own health as they get older.

These things have a way of coming out eventually. The breech of trust can never be rebuilt. If your mother would lie to you over something this fundamental, how could you ever trust a word out of her mouth again?

If you are honest with your children from the start, then it diffuses much of the negative impact of these unpleasant truths. It can be hard for a child to understand that the person he or she calls Daddy is not their biological father, but with age appropriate, matter of fact explanation, it just becomes something routine about them. If you keep it a dirty little secret, it becomes much more damaging and potentially harmful.

 

[Marseeya]

A child has a right to know who his or her father is, period, if such information is available. If the child doesn't have the right to know, who does? Children are entitled to accurate information about their medical histories, as it can greatly affect decisions they may have to make about their own health as they get older.

Do you feel the same rights apply to adoptees as well?

(just curious... I'm an adoptee and I know that people have very strong feelings on both sides of the coin)

 

[MamaLema]

I can only speak from my own experience.

I'm 31 and at 25 found out my mom had been lying about who my father is. And worst of all, she said she would never tell me.

This has caused me great distress and sometimes I can't sleep and night thinking about it. I feel I deserve to know.

 

[azgal81]

I think a child has a right to know who their real father is and the longer the truth is held from them the more resentful they will be when they find out. Because they will find out.

I think the the child should be told right away when they are able to understand. The eight year old in this case should have been told years ago.

 

[sha_lyn]

The boy thinks Mom's previous husband was his biological father. It turns out ex-husband was infertile, so they had a sperm donor, but they haven't told the child (now teenager). The boy strongly favors his mother's family, so there's no obvious questions arising from the fact that he looks like the mailman!

This is probably the one case where I think withholding the circumstances is OK

I was adopted as an infant and accidentally learned the truth when I was around 15.. (Actually I had always suspected something before that - can't explain why - just a "gut feeling").. I reacted VERY badly to the news - felt I had been "lied" to for years - and put my poor Mom and Dad through the wringer.. I eventually resolved those feelings - learned who my bio parents were - and life went on.. However, it was VERY ugly for awhile..

I went to school with a brother and sister (brother was my age, sis was a yr older) who found out accidentally when looking though an old family album (or bible maybe) that their parents were really their grandparents. Bio dad and his highschool GF had 2 kids and the dads parents adopted both of them. We (the brother and I) were in 5 or 6 grade when it happened. It really hurt theirrelationship with the adoptive parents (biograndparents) and the adoptive uncle(bio dad).

 

[lowie]

if a woman lies to her child about who his father is?

What do you guys think?

i think that if you are adult enough to have a baby you had better be adult enough to be truthful with the child(ren) and the father(s)!
my daughter has a 'biological' father, by HIS choice, he's never seen her, not even a picture. it's my husband who helped me raise her who really fathered her, he is called Daddy. he has since adopted her and now he's her 'real' daddy.
it was never easy for me to talk to my dd about all this, i didn't want her to feel unwanted. but i would NEVER lie about it, that can only get messy.
in the end she (of course) has all these romantical thoughts of some mysterious dad out there somewhere. and when she's older i will help her contact him if that's what she wants, but for now she knows that she has an awesome dad who loves her and who's there for her always.

 

[kelleigh1]

I haven't read any of the other responses, but yes, I think it is wrong and very unfair to the child.

My father's best friend married a woman who was pregnant with someone else's child. They always lied about their wedding, claiming to have gotten married a year earlier than they really had. The daughter, never knew when she was growing up. My parents have since lost touch with this couple, but last we knew, she still didn't know. At this point in her life, she would be almost 40 years old herself.

A friend of mine lied to her entire family, including her son about who his father was up until just a few years ago. And honestly, I don't think the rest of her family even knows to this day. The son only knows because she finally took the father to court for child support.

My best friend is 34 years old and to this day, she knows nothing about her father. Nobody in her family will tell her anything. I can't even begin to tell you how that has affected her life, but believe me, she's missing something because she doesn't know anything about him.

I've always felt that this was a mistake because what if there is some medical emergency where they need to know family history and they either know nothing about the father or they think they know, but the "father" isn't even related? I just don't think anything good can come out of lying to your child about who their biological parents are.

 

[lowie]

What age can a child handle learning these things anyway?

In my situation, DS's "sperm donor" wanted nothing to do with a baby, so I wasn't about to go through the hassle of enforced child support and court issues. Young and stupid, very very stupid. I wish I would have at least had the father sign away his rights. I did do the "name withheld" thing on the birth certificate, which caused me some problems when DH and I thought about having him adopt DS.

At any rate, I've never lied to DS, but I also haven't forced any information on him. I've given him the bare minimum of details and let him know that I'll tell him whatever he wants to know when he's ready.

I'm so not looking forward to that day, especially if he wants to go find his sperm donor! I doubt that would ever happen, but I still have a little bit of fear over it.

i'd usually mention things to my daughter here and there if she's bring up the 'why don't i have a daddy thing when she was VERY young. but it wasn't until after michael and i got married that it clicked with her and her exact question was, "who was my daddy before daddy" i just told her the truth, no embellishments. she asked a few more questions and then wanted to talk about her eyelashes.. and over the years we repeat a similar scenario from time to time.
but i was the one freaked out about finding the 'sperm donor' when we decided that my dh would adopt dd.
i found him VERY easily online and just made a phone call. my heart was racing, my palms were sweaty and a woman answered the phone. it was his wife. i explained that i was the mother of _____'s daughter and she answered, "jordana?? is she alright" just like that... it was like, in her voice you could tell that she was ready to offer her husbands kidney, lol... they turned out to be very easy to deal with, gave us no fight at all and the adoption was SO easy.
so, long story short... don't stress too much if your ds wants to meet the bio-father, it may not be too awful!

 

[lowie]

I was adopted 47 years ago from an orphanage in Korea at the age of 4. As a matter of fact I was the first child adopted from a foreign country.

awww, how awesome!

 

[Pigeon]

Do you feel the same rights apply to adoptees as well?

Yes. As it turns out, I'm the mother of two adopted children. My kids were both abandoned at birth, so we unfortunately have no information about their birth families to pass on to them, but I wish we did. We are upfront with them about what we do know, in an age-appropriate way.

I do have somewhat mixed feelings in cases where birthmothers were promised (and wish to maintain) anonymity at the time of placement. I still think the rights of the child to know the truth should prevail, but I have sympathy for the birthmother.