Do you think grandparents are financially obligated to support your children?

[kellyg403]

No, I do not expect that my parents would pay for much where the kids were concerned out of obligation. When I was single and barely making the bills my mom did pay for my dd's dance lessons and sometimes would do little things like give us a Pizza Hut gift card and Blockbuster for a movie night. But pay for college? My mom would laugh me out of town. She does what she feels comfortable with and I never ask for her to do anything else. My children are my responsibility. My parents already raised their kids and did what they could for them. Now, they are retired they should be taking their extra money for vacations and fine dining...all the things they didn't do when they had us kids at home.

Kelly

 

[Grandmax3]

From the other side of the coin,I am the grandparent that cloth,feed,took in my home and raised, paid for everything for the two boys. If we did not they would have been in a very bad situation. In Fact we had discussed taking the children away from their mother,Father was not involved. At the last moment,DD decided it would be better to leave them in our care.[3yrs later we told her about our decision] . When they were about 7/5 she stood up and turned her life around and was able to provide for them,she took and we gave them back to her.They are now 14/12 and healthy and well adjusted and we are very much in their lives. At 3. the oldest was totally unadjusted, did not socialize did not know how to act in public or at home.

The reason I am writing this is because sometimes the grandparents have to step in for the betterment of the children.

 

[kellyg403]

From the other side of the coin,I am the grandparent that cloth,feed,took in my home and raised, paid for everything for the two boys. If we did not they would have been in a very bad situation. In Fact we had discussed taking the children away from their mother,Father was not involved. At the last moment,DD decided it would be better to leave them in our care.[3yrs later we told her about our decision] . When they were about 7/5 she stood up and turned her life around and was able to provide for them,she took and we gave them back to her.They are now 14/12 and healthy and well adjusted and we are very much in their lives. At 3. the oldest was totally unadjusted, did not socialize did not know how to act in public or at home.

The reason I am writing this is because sometimes the grandparents have to step in for the betterment of the children.

Oh absolutely. If one of my grandchildren was in need of me to take care of them, or my thought that my children needed to be raised in a better environment she would have.

But on a regular basis, for those who are raising their children, I think the expectation of having a grandparent pay for college is ridiculous unless the grandparents have said they would. I have a friend, a single mom, dad not in the picture who started a college fund for the baby the day he was born. She didn't ask, its something they wanted to do. Thats o.k. to me too, they knew the road would be hard. The only problem I had would be if she married or had more children would that be across the board? But not my business in the end.

To expect your parents to do that is a total 'nother story!
Kelly

 

[VillageMama]

I will be the lone dissenter who says that yes, Grandparents are obligated to help in some way.

I don't understand this mentality of "Our little nuclear family is an island. We don't need anything from anyone. And when our youngest turns 18, that's the end of our responsibilities.".

Raising the next generation is hard and effects multiple generations. Grandparents are not just kindly observers from afar... they could be an integral part of the support structure that will benefit their children and grandchildren.

I think this intense, prideful independence is a sickness. It's a perversion of what family is meant to be. For the first 15 years of marriage (and our first four children) we were a little island. Hubby's parents would not be involved or helpful and my parents could not be involved and helpful.

It made me realize how awful it was to be alone like that. I vowed the I would be truly helpful to my grown children someday. Of course, I'll have my own interests but if I can help them in some way, it would bring me joy. It's a continuation of my love for them.

Circumstances have changed and hubby's parents are still not involved but my parents have moved to be near us and have turned into wonderfully supportive grandparents. It is an enriching relationship for all of us.

When my parents grow older and need to be given help, I will be most honored (and obligated) to do so. Love is more than a feeling. It's an action and it doesn't have term limits.

 

[pixiewings71]

Absolutely NOT, but I know my ex has his parents paying MY measly piddly crappy amount of "child support" he "gives" me monthly. I know because he asked if he could pay less and he told me his parents were paying. I told him to go get a job to support the 2 kids he had with ME before he had 3 more with his current wife! And yes it's mean but he needs to stop lazing around and waiting for his "big chance" because at 36 his offers are only getting slimmer.......

 

[kellyg403]

I will be the lone dissenter who says that yes, Grandparents are obligated to help in some way.

I don't understand this mentality of "Our little nuclear family is an island. We don't need anything from anyone. And when our youngest turns 18, that's the end of our responsibilities.".

Raising the next generation is hard and effects multiple generations. Grandparents are not just kindly observers from afar... they could be an integral part of the support structure that will benefit their children and grandchildren.

I think this intense, prideful independence is a sickness. It's a perversion of what family is meant to be. For the first 15 years of marriage (and our first four children) we were a little island. Hubby's parents would not be involved or helpful and my parents could not be involved and helpful.

It made me realize how awful it was to be alone like that. I vowed the I would be truly helpful to my grown children someday. Of course, I'll have my own interests but if I can help them in some way, it would bring me joy. It's a continuation of my love for them.

Circumstances have changed and hubby's parents are still not involved but my parents have moved to be near us and have turned into wonderfully supportive grandparents. It is an enriching relationship for all of us.

When my parents grow older and need to be given help, I will be most honored (and obligated) to do so. Love is more than a feeling. It's an action and it doesn't have term limits.

I agree because you 'want' this type of family and relationship. Your children are not 'entitled' to expect that you will do these things. You will do them because you want to. My parents always want to do things for my children and their other grandchildren. The problem is they are on a fixed income and they can get carried away real fast. I don't want them spending their retirement money on my children I want them to spend that on themselves.

Kelly

 

[Teresa Pitman]

Hey, VillageMama - you're not the only one. I tried to express in my earlier post what a pleasure it is for me to be able to help my son and his wife and children. As you said, love doesn't have term limits.

Teresa

 

[mumto3girls]

My sister and I talk about this sometimes. I completely agree that grandparents should not be expected to help financially with their grandchildren. For those who want to, have the means to and are willing to give that assistance without any strings attached, I think that is great. I have only one friend/acquaintance who seems to believe that her family and her DH's family are obligated to assist her with her son's expenses. What is shocking about that situation is that very same person has told me that her mother, who is single, has no money saved for retirement and she worries about what she is going to do.

To me, the expectation of free, unlimited babysitting seems far more common and I don't understand that either. My parents do babysit my children and I do not pay them, but it is at their convenience and I try to ask sparingly. They are my kids, I chose to have them and they are my and my DH's responsibility only. My parents raised their children and now their job is done.

 

[Planogirl]

No one is entitled to financial help from grandparents!

We are responsible for our own offspring and unless the grandparents had the chance to be involved in family planning I think that it's ludicrous to try to turn your own responsibility over to your parents. They had their time already.

Now if grandparents want to help out that's fine. But no, they are not obligated to.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

My parents are extremely generous to us and our children but in no way do I expect them to give us anything. They volunteered to babysit both of our boys when they were younger and I worked part time. Now that they're older, they'll take them for an evening if we ask but I certainly don't expect it. My husband and I chose to only have two kids because that's the number we felt we could afford financially and be able to take care of. My mom often buys them clothes on her shopping trips - a shirt here, a package of socks there. I definitely appreciate these things but don't expect them. We can afford to buy them ourselves but it makes her happy to pick things out for them and it does help us out so I certainly don't object!

 

[cheermom1]

I never expected anyone to pay for my kids and never will ...My kids feel the same b/c when my dd had to take care of a fake baby for school she wouldn't let me do anything for her. said she wanted to do it all on her own...

although dh's ex does --her aunt pays for EVERYTHING - she even had a house built for her and bought her a car - already has the oldest a truck and so forth ..I don;t think she will ever be able to do things on her own...a cycle that I hope will be broken but I don;t really know if it will..the boys know if they want something all they have to do is ask their great aunt and she will get it ...I mean she has the spice channel b/c the oldest wants it and she has no idea ..we tried but she refuses and if mom doesn't do anything what can we do?

plus dh's ex one time I remember that she got a flat tire and she called her dad and yelled and cursed him out and told him he HAD to fix it and buy her another tire ...it was sad

 

[crz4mm2]

OOOOH I WISH!

Even drives me nuts the amount of kids that expect their parents to pay for everything (even after they graduate and move out!).

 

[disykat]

oops - got mixed up with another thread!

 

[Inigo]

I have a niece from a half brother who is just a couple of years younger than me. When she was preparing to go to college she wrote a letter to my parents asking how much money she could count on them for.

I can top that. Several years ago, DH's brother's stepdaughter from his first marriage sent a letter to my MIL demanding (not asking, demanding) that my MIL pay so the 45 year old former stepdaughter of BIL could go to college, and also demanded that my MIL pay for the stepdaughter's son to go to college. The stepdaughter is no relation to my MIL or to anyone else in the family other than to be a 1/2 sister to two of my MIL's grandchildren. MIL lost no time in telling Psycho-Wench (our special pet name for the crazy chick) to go jump in a lake!

Psycho-Wench went to college for a semester after high school but flunked out. Not long after DH and I married, she accused me of causing her to have to quit college. I never met her until she was 26 years old, 7 years after she flunked out of college. I still can't figure out how it was my fault she flunked out, but golly gee, that's cool that I am so all powerful!

 

[Inigo]

I am lucky because both sets of grandparents are very involued in our kids life's. Do they pay for they things not really. But the funny thing is when they publish book rental fee for the school in the paper DH's dad sends me a check for the amount, I have never asked he just does. Which is very nice.

Kae

As soon as I read "book rental fee" I knew you were a fellow Hoosier. Everyone in other states looks at me like I'm insane when I mention book rental fees.

 

[Pakey]

We intend to pay for our grandson's college and started his education fund the first month he was born. He's 4 and there's enough in there now to pay for at least his first year of school. We have not told our son or daughter in law about this fund because we are hoping that they also save for his education.

Youngest son is engaged to a woman who has a 7 year old daughter. When they marry, a fund will be started for her also as she will become our grandchild also.

My grandparents loaned me money to help me get through college. I paid every cent back and was grateful for the help that my parents could not provide. I hope to pay it forward.

 

[ilovejack02]

No , I dont expect my parents or inlaws to help out.
My inlaws were never helped out by their parents even as teenagers. Both were made to work from an early age, in fact my MIL had to pay her parents bills even mortgage when she was just 18.

Because their parents were so lax in paying for anything ( not just lax, but abusive parents .. the stories I could tell ) .
They are very generous with us, but we dont ever ask and they never pay for major things, but did buy all baby furniture for both of their sons when they had children. It was her gift to us and my BIL and she is so happy to be able to do it.

Mil even bought my DH's DS20 a life insurance policy when he was a baby, and last week when she found out my DS7 doesnt have one, she went home and promptly bought him one. I never expected it, so sweet of her to do it.
I didn't expect it, such a wonderful gift.

I am grateful for all that both sets of grandparents do for us, but never ever expect it .

My parents offered to pay for private school for our oldest when he was young (my stepson) very unexpected , the child isn't even their blood , but they love him and knew we were newly married and with child support etc we really couldn't afford to send him . WE found another way to send him, we didn't want my parents to be responsible for all of that money, but they did help with uniforms and some fees.


We are truly blessed and very thankful for the help we have had over the years. Now that my oldest is in his 20s, we help him too and will continue to do so even when he has children as we will do with my youngest . I will never be my kids main source of income .... it isnt our job, but as with my inlaws, we will enjoy helping them a bit.

 

[Piecey]

Not us. Not at all!

My parents have asked us to let them know when we set up the college fund because they will be making a contribution there and there only. I don't know how much and I don't intend to ask- anything they contribute is optional and a gift to our son, not an obligation.
(Other than the customary gifts and occassional treats, Lucas is their first!)

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

We intend to pay for our grandson's college and started his education fund the first month he was born. He's 4 and there's enough in there now to pay for at least his first year of school. We have not told our son or daughter in law about this fund because we are hoping that they also save for his education.

Youngest son is engaged to a woman who has a 7 year old daughter. When they marry, a fund will be started for her also as she will become our grandchild also.

My grandparents loaned me money to help me get through college. I paid every cent back and was grateful for the help that my parents could not provide. I hope to pay it forward.

I don't have children. I also don't believe grandparents are "obligated" to support them financially. But I just wanted to say I think this post is one of the best I've read yet. Your grandchildren are very, very blessed to have you.

 

[mefordis]

You are an awesome, generous grandparent! Your grandchildren are very lucky.

We intend to pay for our grandson's college and started his education fund the first month he was born. He's 4 and there's enough in there now to pay for at least his first year of school. We have not told our son or daughter in law about this fund because we are hoping that they also save for his education.

Youngest son is engaged to a woman who has a 7 year old daughter. When they marry, a fund will be started for her also as she will become our grandchild also.

My grandparents loaned me money to help me get through college. I paid every cent back and was grateful for the help that my parents could not provide. I hope to pay it forward.