Do you think grandparents are financially obligated to support your children?

[ChrizJen]

No, in fact I honestly usually feel that I owe my parents the world for keeping me alive long enough to make it to adulthood and parenthood myself!

Seriously, though...the sense of entitlement in our society today is overwhelming sometimes!! I agree that if an adult child is in a bind and a parent can help out, then by all means they should. But I have never and would never expect my parents to bail me out or pay for anything. They raised me and made me the responible adult that I have become, and I owe them for that. My dad has passed, but when my mom ever needs my help, either financially or medically, I will be there!

 

[Sleepy]

In our culture, no, it is not expected that children or grandchildren will be supported by the grandparents. In America, the general feeling is that every man has the chance to make themselves into whatever they want. We have a strong independent streak, nationally speaking.


It's a cultural thing.

I agree that the expectations are a cultural thing. Just to clarify, although I live in Italy, I am 100% American and the people I was referring to are also American. I found the idea of expectation totally opposite of what I believed was our culture. That is why I asked the question. I was wondering if this was a new trend.

 

[tzolkin]

I think children who never were expected to be responsible or themselves because their parents always bailed them out, grow up become parents and then expect their parents to continue to take care of them. I do not know anyone like this, but I am not surprised that there are people who are like that.

I think this completely sums it up.

This kind of thing actually caused a huge rift in my family. I have a niece from a half brother who is just a couple of years younger than me. When she was preparing to go to college she wrote a letter to my parents asking how much money she could count on them for. My parents couldn't even pay for my college and the guilt over that was still very fresh so this letter really had a negative impact on them. It was pretty much the end of the relationship with that part of the family.

What?!

I didn't even ask my parents how much money I could count on them contributing to my college education. I was an adult and they had my three siblings to worry about. I worked several jobs and took out loans.


People like this drive me nuts. My brother and his wife expected that other people would buy them everything they needed for their baby. They did not buy anything, expected to get everything they needed at their shower, and guilted my parents into buying them most of it because my parents didn't want the baby to arrive and them be completely unprepared. SIL still tries to tell my mom that they're "poor" and that my parents must buy them things and provide them with childcare. Their income is the same as my parents. SIL is a nurse and my brother works. My DH is also a nurse, but I am a SAHM, so our income is about 1/2 theirs. Our house/car/utility expenses are about the same. Somehow we can afford to take care of our 3 children, do major home renovations, and go to Disney every year without assistance from the grandparents.

 

[coliebird]

I know one woman whose parents pay for all of her kids school clothes and summer camp. Frankly, I don't care, it's her life and if her parents want to pay for all of that for their grandkids, so be it. However, it does bother me when she says that I should put my kid in one activity after the other with her kid because "it is not that expensive" and that is when I want to say, sure, not that expensive when your parents are paying for everything else, but I keep my mouth shut and just tell her that my daughter is too young to be in so many activities and she does the 2 that wants to do. I don't think my 7 year old needs to be doing an extracurricular every day, but that's proabably a whole other thread

Anyway, that is the only time it annoys me. I personally, would never ask my parents or my in-laws to pay for anything for my kids. My daughter knows that she can't do everything she wants b/c we can't afford it all and she is fine with it and understands.

 

[agnes!]

I don't expect and I haven't asked for it. I'm trying to be circumspect here, but if there are any elements of unequal 'help' to different grandkids within the extended family that can sure cause issues.

agnes!

 

[zachnsamsmommy]

No...I would never expect grandparents to pay expenses for my kids. When they buy them clothes, sometimes it is purely for their own enjoyment, but I never 'demand' it of them. If they quit buying them things, I wouldn't think twice about it. Would I expect them to pay for my kids' college? Heck no.

Now my grandparents did pay for most of my college. It was their HS gift to all of us grandchildren. It was a set amt of money, and when it was gone, it was gone. It took me longer to graduate, and so my last two years I paid for it myself by working. But I would never expect my own parents or ILs to pay for my kid's college. I plan on paying for what college I can afford, and expect the kids to get scholarships or student loans.

 

[missypie]

My mom has a friend whose D expected her mom to be the free day care for her twins once she retired. The mom/grandma did it until the twins were in school and resented it like crazy. She just could not say no to her D. The D has a great, high paying job, so it's not as if the D couldn't have afforded day care or a sitter.

My mom has another friend who paid for the grandkid's private school education. That was an odd one. The grandparents did not have a lot of money at all. The adult son chose to live in a rather dicey neighborhood where he coudln't really send his child to public school.

In both cases, the demanding kids were only children. I wonder if that's more common.

 

[2binak]

I think children who never were expected to be responsible or themselves because their parents always bailed them out, grow up become parents and then expect their parents to continue to take care of them. I do not know anyone like this, but I am not surprised that there are people who are like that.

EXACTLY!!!!! My SIL has been absolutely depressed (in therapy & on meds) for years because her life hasn't turned out the way she expected it to. She doesn't a job, a new car, a new house, a dog, a husband, etc. She often makes comments about how she deserves these things. My in-laws have always picked SIL up (sometimes before she can even fall) and she is in her mid-30's now and just expects it to continue. They are finally putting their foot down and she is not handling it well. She has been a single mom for 4 yrs (by choice, wants nothing to do with the father) and expects my in-laws to spend their retirement money to help feed, clothe, pay for rent, car repairs, etc. for her and her son. They wiped out their $10k savings in the first 2 years of their GS's life by providing money for all sorts of things including medical bills, diapers, food & daycare for him. Again, she expects it to continue because that's the way they've always been with her. With DH, he had to work his way through high school & college, pay his college loans off himself and work for everything he ever had.

 

[Pixiedust34]

No. Our kids are our responsibility. We don't expect anyone but ourselves to pay for clothes/food/shelter/fun/sports fees/lessons/camp/etc.

If grandparents want to give something (zoo membership for a family, dance lessons, whatever) as a gift I think that's OK because it's them deciding to give a gift, but no gifts of that nature are expected.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I think it is completly unacceptable to expect your parents to pay for anything for your children OR to provide free (or reduced) babyistting, etc. (oh, and BTW I am an only child--I have seen the entitlment attitude from onlies, oldest, middle kids, youngest, etc. It really irks me when people think only children are more likely to act in such a way than others).

The one thing I do expect is that the grandparents will be fair in their treatment of all grandchildren (and especially of those in one house). So, if a grandparent chooses to pay for dance lessons for one grandchild I think they need to do something similar for the other grandchildren. I hate seeing certain kids in families (only the girls, everyone but the step kids, not the adopted one, son's kids, etc.) treated much better or worse than the others and I think that is wrong. Other than that, I agree that you do not expect otehrs to care for or pay for your children. Period.

 

[ZachnElli]

No, I don't think this way and I don't know anyone who does. I do know someone whose parents do pay for their children's activities (dance, band, etc) but they don't expect it. I heard her say I "hope" my parents will pay for her 2nd daughter's dance class, but didn't say she expected it. I also heard a grandparent say they expected their grandchildren to attend a certain private school and then add, "even if I have to pay for it." I was thinking that that is an expensive school, so they may have to cough up some dough for it if they really expect them to go there!

 

[tar heel]

When my children were in private school, there were a lot of children whose tuition was being paid by grandparents. My guess is that that is not unusual.

I would never expect my parents or in-laws to pay for my children's needs, but I'm very grateful that my in-laws chose to set up 529 plans for their grandchildren.

 

[Lauree]

I agree with many others who have said that if I have children, then it is my responsibility as a parent to meet the wants and needs of my children. My husband and I have taken care of our children on our own. I did encounter a sticky situation with my in-laws. After my first was born, my FIL insisted that a pre-paid college plan be purchased. My parents declined to participate, and my husband and I couldn't pay for it either. So, FIL signs my family up. He set it up so that every month the money was sent to my account and I was responsible for paying that bill. Both my name and my daughters name was listed on this account/fund. Well- fast forward to 2009, and news was bad about the financial stability of our state's pre-paid college tuition program. We all agree to simply get the money back. When the money comes in my BIL/SIL are given 1/2 of the money. I was very upset (didn't say anything, though). My daughter is the oldest grandchild, and my SIL/BIL children were 1 and 3 at the time. My daughter will be graduating from HS in eight years. I decided not to say anything b/c it wouldn't have helped the situation. I also resolved it within myself that I alone will take care of my children. I will never rely on another source for any kind of help. My house pays off in 3 years, and then I will be able to set aside a lot of money for college. I hope to instill this into my children, as well.

 

[mumom95]

Absolutely not. A parent is responsible for the financial care of their child until they are 18 (or realistically until they graduate from high school) and after that they have no obligation.

Now, I do know a few grandparents who pay for their grandkids private school education. But that's because they wanted their grandkids in private school and the parents couldn't afford it. And I know a few grandparents who have paid for the grandkids college education. But again, it was something they wanted to do.

 

[Crystal0608]

I don't think they are obligated to support my children, but my mama does help me a lot. I'm her only child, so my two are her only grandkids. She pays the Y membership since the kids do most of their sports through there and before that she paid for dance. She gives me $$ to pay on on clothes and stuff for them. Now they are 8 & 9 & easier to watch together, she keeps them both Fri night - Sun afternoon and takes them to their games per her request. She also saves changes and rolls it up for the kids vacation spending $$. At HER house, she had a pool put in when my dd was 2 so she would learn to swim, repl the swingset with a bigger wooden swingset, treehouse thing last year, bb hoop 2 years ago, 6ft soccer goals this year, etc. The next project is to finish part of the basement for a gameroom. Heck, I was nowhere near spoiled as them, lol. Her life kinda revolves around them (as they do mine), she likes to do for them, is in her late 40s and can do it and can afford it. I do stuff for her in return. I hope to do the same for my kids in the far far future.

 

[Piglets Mommy]

Nope. Our kids, our responsibility. My Parents and in-laws do both like to buy the kids some clothes, toys, etc, and we appreciate their help, but in no way do we EXPECT it.

 

[polyfan]

I don't feel it is their responsibility, however I do feel that they should not give their grandchild or grandchildren $10 for their birthday and then $10 for christmas- and never give them another dime or buy them anything- my in-laws do this every year- my children have never received anything else from them- in fact , my inlaws only see my kids twice a year (when WE go to visit them) and that is for about a total of 3 hours each time- they do not even call them for their birthdays- I do not feel it is right that they expect us to pay to take care of them as they are getting older b/c they made poor choices in life and do not have any savings!! So, I think it goes both ways- I won't expect you to pay for taking care of my kids, and don't expect me to pay to take care of you

 

[bicker]

Indeed, there is no such obligation. All such assistance would rightfully be deserving of gratitude.

 

[DWGal210]

I don't expect and I haven't asked for it. I'm trying to be circumspect here, but if there are any elements of unequal 'help' to different grandkids within the extended family that can sure cause issues.

agnes!

Agnes, you are absolutely right. In my family, my grandparents help one of my aunts and her family (aunt, hubby and their kids) MUCH more than anyone else (they have 5 adult children). I have lots of theories as to why this is, but won't get into those now.

It is hard on the other grandkids when gma and gpa go to literally every one of their events (and these kids are in sport, music, drama, all of it) and it's hit or miss with the other events. It's not just that they live in town and can go to everything - there are 20 grandkids on that side of the family, and all but 2 of them grew up in another area. We have also found out recently that my grandparents funded college savings accounts for those kids and not any of their other grandchildren.

Now, it's really not about the money - because I have always said my grandparents should just give their money to charity, I don't feel that I or anyone of the other cousins are entitled to anything. It just creates hard feelings when one set of grandkids is getting above and beyond, and the others are not. I have never felt that my grandparents didn't love all of us, but it's very obvious the grandkids they "prefer"; and as some of the kids are getting older, they are noticing it.

 

[disykat]

No, nor would I accept any "help" for the kid's needs from them unless I was in a dire financial situation. It's my job. Fortunately both sets of grandparents just give modest gifts at Christmas and Birthdays and maybe a treat if they're visiting - nothing big.

I don't know anyone personally who has these expectations, but I am often surprised to see people on-line who whine about their parents not helping them with their kids - financially or otherwise. IMO any kind of help is nice, but it's not an obligation.