Do you stay home with your kids or work?

[The Princess]

I worked full time till I have my kids. Once they went to school I went to work at a local family owned Italian store. For me it is a perfect situation I work 9-3 so I am home when the leave for school and home before they get home. If I need off at any time they told me that they completely understand that family comes first. I have been there for I think 10 years and love it!!

 

[kingcrab]

we both work, for us we have to in order to have the type of home, and lifestyle we want for us and our daughter.

We tried daycare for about a month when she was an infant, and found it unacceptable, since then we have had a babysitter sit our daughter in our home, and for the last 6 months we have had my wifes cousing living with us to take care of our daughter while we are at work. This fall when she is 3 we will try daycare again for a couple days a week to get her used to other children, etc.

 

[bunny]

It seems this entire thread has been about how important it is to stay at home with your kids. Granted that is nice but so is staying married and not living under financial stress every day. If your husband is that unhappy, you need to work together to come up with a solution. Telling your husband off or consulting a lawyer is not going to get you anywhere. Then you will end up a single parent and I don't know any single moms who stay at home with their kids.

Getting a job is not the end of the world. Your kids will not end up dropouts or drug addicts or pregnant. If you need to get a job, find the best babysitter you can and don't worry about it. Your family will be alot better off if mom and dad are both on the same page. Paying your bills and saving for retirement and college can be very rewarding.

Someone posted that society no longer values moms that stay at home. On the flip side (in light of today's economy and credit crisis) think how nice it would be to have no debt and for your children to not walk out of college with huge student loans.

Your husband has a very stressful job. Do something to make his life a little easier. Alot of SAHMs don't realize the dynamics of today's work environment. Yes, being at home is hard but it is not stressful. Your schedule is your own.

 

[MamaLema]

I have 3 boys and stayed home 12 years with them.

Now, I am attending college full time

I will be a working mom in about a year

 

[MamaLema]

.Yes, being at home is hard but it is not stressful. .

I respectfully disagree 100%

Being home with 3 little boys in the dead of Canadian winter when you cannot go outside for a month or more is stressful.

 

[DisneyMomx7]

I have seven kids. I worked full time after the first one, went back to work after the second one but I got pregnant right away again so I quiet working when the second child was 14 months, eight months pregnant for the third.

I always thought I would go back to work after the kids were in school full time. When my third child was 3 we found out that he had cancer. Even though he was completely cured I never went back to work. I was always afraid he would relapse and I would regret the time away from the kids.

After the first four were in school I baby sat to earn extra money. I stopped doing that when (suprise!) I found out I was pregnant for my 5th -older kids were 20, 14, 13 and 12. I never went back to work and I've never regretted it.

 

[N&B'smom]

I am a SAHM and have been for the last 7 years. This Fall both of my kids will be in school all day so I will be looking for work.

 

[PatsMom]

I stayed home with my DD until she was almost a year old. I hated almost every minute of it. I found the grind of housework, cooking, etc to be unbearable. I am just not cut out to be Susie Homemaker. I quit work when I was 6 months pregnant because DH accepted a temporary transfer from NH to Georgia. No one would hire me when we got there because I was so obviously pregnant. By the time DD was six weeks old and I wanted to look for a job, I knew I was within about 6 months of being transferred back home with DH so he didn't want me to look.

About two months before we were due to move back home I was contacted by my former employer who wanted me to come back. I contacted my sister in law who was a SAHM to see if she could watch DD until I found daycare, asked if I could borrow their spare car for the commute, then called DH and told him to call his company and get me and DD our plane tickets - we were going home and I was going back to work. He was a bit upset at first but understood how miserable I had been at home with a baby and that I missed being around adults and doing a job I enjoyed.

Since then the only time I've been a SAHM was when I was between jobs in 1994 for about 2 months. I love my daughter dearly and have made time for all the important events in her life. We are closer than most mothers and daughters that we know. But if I had stayed home with her as DH and other expected, I would have been miserable and probably made her miserable too. No doubt in my mind that I would have turned to drugs or alcohol to deal with feeling forced to be a great housekeeper and cook. And that was what I felt like - if I wasn't working outside the home, I needed to keep it clean, have the meals ready, the laundry caught up, etc.

Everyone is different and what works for me wouldn't work for everyone. What I do think is important is to respect other people's choices and to do what works for your family. Thanks to DH's support of my return to work, he was able to accept a good early retirement offer and he is now the primary SAHH. All though high school, he was the cook, chauffeur, laundress, housekeeper, etc. He loves it but I would hate it.

One thing I do not do is judge other people's choices. I had several SAHM's who offered to provide me budgeting advice so I could stay home with my daughter. I used to give them a look like "are you crazy?". At the time we were saving my entire salary and living on DH's (including day care expenses). Their attitude that anyone who worked was a bad mother really turned me off - I'll respect your choice to stay home if you respect my choice to work. And in my case, it definitely was a choice, not a necessity.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I don't have children and probably shouldn't even be posting on here. I understand that SAHM do alot and more so than many husbands notice but I don't think that is the problem here.

The problem is that they have more month than money as my granny would say. OP, you and your husband need to come to an agreement about your situation. Obiovusly, he wants you to go back to work. Is it to pay down debt? Build up a savings? Potentially buy a house? Plan for your future?

You don't want to go back to work but stated both you and your husband are doing some spending. You can't spend what you don't have. Hence, the credit card debt. Please sit down and iron out something with your husband. This isn't just about being a SAHM vs a working mom. This is about betting your life as a whole and starting a different way of life. Create a real budget and stick to it. At some point maybe you can learn to just live off your husband's salary after you pay off debt and build a savings.

I am sorry about the comments your husband made that were ugly. There is no point in them and I would have made my thoughts known very quickly and loudly about that. Right now I'm at stay at home wife living around my husband's schedule and he knows even better to think something like that let alone voice it. He'd be up to his eyeballs in dirty underwear and uniforms with an empty frig and piled up mail. I do wish you luck and hope you can find a middle of the road for you both.

 

[mickeyboat]

I have always worked, except for short maternity leaves when DDs were born. I have never longed to be a SAHM, although it could have probably been done.

I enjoy being part of the workforce. I enjoy social interaction at work. I enjoy being able to pee in peace and only having to worry about feeding myself for one meal a day. I need to work to feel fulfilled.

I have also been the primary bread-winner and the provider of our benefits since before the kids were born.

If I had decided to stay home, DH would have had to work days, nights and weekends all the time to support us. I didn't feel it was fair to ask him to give up on being a father to the girls so that I could be home with them.

Both kids are in school full time. I don't go to work until after they leave for school. They go to their grandfather's after school (or to an after-school activity). I get home from work around 4:30 (unless I go to the gym), so I am really only missing about an hour and a half of their day.

It is hard being a working parent. DH and I both work to maintain the household, but the bulk of the responsibility falls on me, and it's exhausting. But it works for us.

OP - You and your DH need to talk. I think it is probably necessary that you go back to work, but you need to have some serious discussions about how you will make that happen. I can't believe he said the "free ride" comment to you. That's terrible. Good luck.

 

[NMAmy]

I think no matter what, even if we did have a house, DH would want me to work, more money the better, he thinks.. I don't think that way though. I told him the other day to just sell my car, I don't want it. I'd rather be home with my daughter. We have 2 car payments and a $500 a month consolidation credit card bill that we owe... gasp.... $19,000 on!!!!!

With that much debt, it sounds like your husband is right in that you need to get a job although I'm not crazy about the way he's saying it.

Then I hear people tell me "everyone has to work, deal with it" but obviously reading these posts, that's not true.

Some people are able to stay home with their kids if that's their choice. They're lucky. Not everyone can afford to. No one is entitled to that luxury. Especially when the family is struggling financially.

 

[HelenePA]

Yes, being at home is hard but it is not stressful. Your schedule is your own.

Okay. Even DH gets stressed out when he's home with them for a few hours ALONE... My schedule is NOT my own.. its theirs..

 

[EthansMom]

I've been a SAHM for almost 8 years (since DS7 was born).

Before we had our first child, DH and I paid down our debts so that we would have the option of having one of us stay home. If our finances required that I work then I would get any job I could to help pay the bills.

I agree with others... I don't like the way your husband has said things. But, with that level of debt, I agree that having some more income would be a good idea.

 

[pooh4evr]

I have been staying home since DD#2 was born in 2003- I chose to stay because my salary at the time would have barely covered daycare espenses for 2 small kids (which her is about $2000) a month for a decent day care- I don't know about in home care.- Anyway- now the 2 of the girls are in school full time and I have a2 yr old and do not plan on going back anytime soon. My days are filled with normal house stuff, cleaning, laundry, yardwork, errands- my evenings are also full of dance, piano, soccer, softball, girl scouts...- and trying to fit in supper at some point. Fortunately DH makes enough $ for us right now that we can afford for me to be here, although that seems to be changing monthly. - You guys really need to sit and talk about it there are many issues on both sides that need to be delt with. GOOD LUCK!

BTW - Staying home can be stressful, maybe not corporate stress but real life stress- and if I fail as CEO of my family (wheather I work or not) there is no one to give us a bail out.

You must do what is BEST of YOU and YOUR family and not worry about what everyone else is doing, somtimes the right decisions are the hardest ones to make.

 

[HelenePA]

I've been a SAHM for almost 8 years (since DS7 was born).

Before we had our first child, DH and I paid down our debts so that we would have the option of having one of us stay home. If our finances required that I work then I would get any job I could to help pay the bills.

I agree with others... I don't like the way your husband has said things. But, with that level of debt, I agree that having some more income would be a good idea.

Yes but they need to sit down and figure out if her going back to work is actually going to make them money or cost them money and I could not fathom 19K in debt.

 

[DznyLvr2005]

OK whew, I read all the posts this moring...

Let me say, #1, STAYING HOME IS WORK! I totally agree with that!!!

#2, I wouldn't mind working, its the way I'm being told, wait let me edit, I would mind it but I could deal with it.

#3) DH is a cop, so every once in a while he gets these huge bonuses, so he thought that would help pay off our debt.

#4, If I worked I'd literally never see him and I don't think that's as important.. I'd rather SEE HIM

#5, If he does an hour of overtime, that would be like I worked almost a whole day, so he originally said he'd do that instead of me working, but nbow I guess he doesn't want to.

IMO he thinks I don't do a thing around the house and he's jealous that I don't work, but I try to tell him that I DO WORK!! AT HOME!

 

[Colleen27]

Your husband has a very stressful job. Do something to make his life a little easier. Alot of SAHMs don't realize the dynamics of today's work environment. Yes, being at home is hard but it is not stressful. Your schedule is your own.

There is too much variation in circumstance to generalize. Not all work environments are stressful, and many home situations are. I'm fortunate - I'm a SAHM with 3 healthy, easy going kids, so I have very little stress at home. My schedule can get pretty demanding, though, because the older kids are both very active in sports and other extracurricular activities. DH has very little stress at work and feels that being the primary caregiver is much more demanding. Change even one thing in that picture, though - a job that is less enjoyable for DH, a special needs or even high strung child, an outside obligation like a parent that needs care - and the entire dynamic changes.

 

[Planogirl]

There is too much variation in circumstance to generalize. Not all work environments are stressful, and many home situations are. I'm fortunate - I'm a SAHM with 3 healthy, easy going kids, so I have very little stress at home. My schedule can get pretty demanding, though, because the older kids are both very active in sports and other extracurricular activities. DH has very little stress at work and feels that being the primary caregiver is much more demanding. Change even one thing in that picture, though - a job that is less enjoyable for DH, a special needs or even high strung child, an outside obligation like a parent that needs care - and the entire dynamic changes.

I agree!

My DH has an extremely high-stress job that takes a lot of time and also does a part-time thing on the weekends (he insists). My job is also stressful but I work part-time so I try to take care of just about everything home related. Plus we only have a 16 year old and he practically takes care of himself.

Everything depends on family dynamics.

 

[disneybound2010]

He told me that "everyone works" so this is why I wrote this post, I want to see how many people actually do compared to those who stay home with their kids.

I haven't read all of the replies, but I just wanted to say that my JOB or WORK is here in the home. I have "technically" been a SAHM since 2006, but I left school and a PAYING job(and I mean paying as in monetarily) in 2004 to care fulltime for my mother, who was terminally ill.

Being a SAHM does not mean we sit on our butts all day eating bonbons and dising or watching soaps. I work harder now than I ever have in my entire life. I always have my eye out for a position that will work with DH's schedule so DS will not be in daycare,but so far nothing that we feel comfortable with and DH is 100% behind me on that. There are times he gets cranky and acts like I do nothing...those are the times he ends up doing his own laundry,making meals etc

 

[tonilea]

Some people are able to stay home with their kids if that's their choice. They're lucky. Not everyone can afford to. No one is entitled to that luxury. Especially when the family is struggling financially.

And for some, luck has nothing to do with it. Being a SAHM has been about choices they have made as a family, for the most part, about their wants... Do we want two new cars? Yes, then we both need to work. Are we willing to drive older "paid for" vehicles? Then, one parent staying at home may be a viable option. Do we want/need a huge cell phone plan? Do we want/need cable TV?

I realize for many, the choice of stay at home or not doesn't exist, but for most of the ones who do stay home, it isn't about luck. It is about lifestyle decisions.

To the OP: Maybe going back to work would show him that he really does want you at home. And he might feel like it is in his best interest to pick up a bit of OT.