Do you stay home with your kids or work?

[beattyfamily]

SAHM here!

I quit my Boston job to say home with my DD 13 years ago. Then I had a second DD 3 years later. My income would have been cut in half to pay for daycare and my day would have been very long with the commute to Boston. So even though it was tight, we made the decision for me to stay home and take care of the kids.

I have not gone back to work full time but I did work part time at night at Dunkin Donuts when money was tight when my first born was a baby and now (for about a year) I work as a substitute lunch lady because it's the same hours as my kid's school day and I get to seem them from time to time.

I have no intentions or desire to go back to work full time until my kids are out of school. My husband supports this 100%. He wants me here for the kids.

The only thing I miss about work are my friends and going to lunch with them and shopping in Boston.

Being a SAHM is a tough job the first 5 years or so then it does get easier when they go to school but IMHO, it's the most important job I've ever done.

Good Luck, OP.

 

[dogluva]

To the OP, I know staying at home is work, but maybe you could better convince him to work the OT if you made sure everything was done before he got home. Make his home his palace. Have a great breakfast waiting for him. Make sure the home is clean. Take your baby somewhere so he can sleep peacefully. Maybe his job is so hard that he really doesn't want to work OT especially if he still has stuff to do at home. So make sure he doesn't really have to do anything. Sell your car and buy a beater. Don't take your trip and cut coupons. Figure out a way to pay off the debt and make it so awesome for him at home that he doesn't mind working over. I know it sounds like something from the 50's but coming home to a clean house and a hot meal might make him appreciate you more.

This sounds awful. I would never do this to make my husband happy.

 

[hentob]

This sounds awful. I would never do this to make my husband happy.

I just saw this

The two that are horrendous are the “Take your baby somewhere so he can sleep peacefully” and “ make sure he doesn't really have to do anything”

I am sorry—That’s life. If you can’t sleep with your own child in your house, tough noogies. Also, why shouldn’t he have to do things around the house? Most men work 40+ hours a week and come home and do things.

It is called being a grown up.

I will have dinner ready for my family, pay the bills and keep my home clean. I agree with pulling your own weight, but I would never want somebody to be a servant in their own home.

 

[Colleen27]

I've been a SAHM, I've been the main breadwinner, and I've been a part-timer.

Unless you have small kids, being a SAHM is way easier IMO. I think a lot of SAHMs kid themselves about this.

They turn in what makes for a good life (being able to go to kids' events, shuttle them around to activities, keep a nice home, etc.) sound like an absolute necessity. It's not. Being home is a luxury. Lots of parents miss their kids' events, don't volunteer at school and have to limit outside activities because they are working.

Being a main breadwinner today is INCREDIBLY stressful. You never know when you'll be laid off, and you're doing the work three people used to do.

When you have kids, what has worked best for us and our friends is to have one person in the real high-powered job, and the other person as a part-timer or in a job that's just less demanding. It's a real comfort to have a second source of income....how many threads have we seen on the DIS boards where BOTH parents are now out of work. And as an earlier poster said, pensions, college are crucial parts of financial planning.

How easy or hard staying at home is really depends upon circumstances and what the mother chooses to take on as part of that role. A lot of the SAHMs I know make everything from scratch, even bread and pasta and such, sew a lot of their kids' clothes, homeschool, tend large food gardens, can/freeze/preserve their harvests, raise chickens for eggs, etc. I don't think that's an easy role by any stretch. It is downright hard to take all of that on, which is why I've only made baby steps down that path!

The same thing goes for working. Not every job is terribly stressful or difficult. DH enjoys his work and doesn't have a lot of stress to contend with. He works hard, physically speaking, but finds seeing the results of his work very rewarding, and at work he can have lunch or a cigarette uninterrupted which is something that rarely if ever happens at home. He doesn't want to come home after working long and unpredictable hours to take on even part of the household responsibilities, though, and even if I was working part time he'd have to do more (or we'd outsource more) than now.

 

[bunny]

I just saw this

The two that are horrendous are the “Take your baby somewhere so he can sleep peacefully” and “ make sure he doesn't really have to do anything”

I am sorry—That’s life. If you can’t sleep with your own child in your house, tough noogies. Also, why shouldn’t he have to do things around the house? Most men work 40+ hours a week and come home and do things.

It is called being a grown up.

I will have dinner ready for my family, pay the bills and keep my home clean. I agree with pulling your own weight, but I would never want somebody to be a servant in their own home.

I didn't mean that she needed to be his servant, but maybe if she tried to make things easier on him, he might be more willing to work OT. Maybe I am seeing the situation wrong, but as far as I can tell the OP's husband is a police officer who works the night shift. He is stressed out and tired when he gets home. He doesn't think she is doing enough at home. They live in an apartment. He needs to sleep during the day so he can't really babysit if she did find a job. All I was saying was if she did most of the housework by herself and he didn't have to do anything when he got home he might be willing to work OT. I work and I hate working overtime because I know how much more work is waiting for me at home. And about taking the baby somewhere he might not want to work anymore because he is tired. It is hard enough to sleep during the day.

My mom was a SAHM and my dad did virtually nothing at home. He worked hard and most nights did work OT, so my mom always had a hot meal waiting on him when he got home. I guess that is old fashioned, but it might make her husband a little more willing to work the OT.

 

[Colleen27]

I just saw this

The two that are horrendous are the “Take your baby somewhere so he can sleep peacefully” and “ make sure he doesn't really have to do anything”

I am sorry—That’s life. If you can’t sleep with your own child in your house, tough noogies. Also, why shouldn’t he have to do things around the house? Most men work 40+ hours a week and come home and do things.

It is called being a grown up.

I will have dinner ready for my family, pay the bills and keep my home clean. I agree with pulling your own weight, but I would never want somebody to be a servant in their own home.

Given what the OP has posted, I think the advice about taking the baby out so he can sleep is good. Its not like she'd be disrupting her or the baby's nighttime schedules to do so. Her DH works nights, and it is hard enough to adjust to a nocturnal schedule without an active baby making noise in the house during the hours you should be sleeping. I wouldn't suggest avoiding the house entirely, but that might be a good time to go to the park, run errands, visit friends/family, go to the library, etc. to give him a little extra quiet.

As far as her DH helping around the house, I see both sides of that one. When my DH was in a job that required overtime and now during his busy season, I do take over most of his household duties. It isn't about being a servant, IMO. It is about working together towards a common goal, and when he's working 60 hour weeks, that common goal is for him to be able to focus on our kids (rather than the lawn that needs cut or the leaking pipe that needs fixed) during the time he does have at home. If he's working overtime, in part so that the kids have a full-time parent at home, I can put in a little "overtime" too to allow him to make the most of his time off.

 

[bunny]

I am sorry—That’s life. If you can’t sleep with your own child in your house, tough noogies. Also, why shouldn’t he have to do things around the house? Most men work 40+ hours a week and come home and do things.

It is called being a grown up.

It is also life that if you are $19000 in credit card debt and live in a tiny apartment and your husband is really financially stressed out that you get off your butt and get a job. Just because your a mother doesn't mean you should let your financial future go down the drain. And most women work 40+ hours per week and come home and do stuff too. Putting your child into daycare and working isn't going to kill you or your child.

 

[Donnainnj]

OP, I think you guys need the budget board and a true budget. It seems to me that if you do work the money will continue to be pissed away. I would agree to work only if he agreed to a budget that would get us out of debt quickly. Get together and work the numbers. How much does the household need, including debt repayment and savings for a house, and what would be left for mad money each month? He needs to stick to it. I am a SAHM, and we do well. We were real frugal at the beginning of our marriage, and because we never got into debt we were able to do well with one income. I did work for a little over 2 years after my first was born, but I was able to bring my daughter with me. Wasn't an easy way to do things, but it did allow me to continue to save for the deposit and closing costs for our house. You need to get together and set your joint priorities. Good luck.
Donna

 

[hentob]

It is also life that if you are $19000 in credit card debt and live in a tiny apartment and your husband is really financially stressed out that you get off your butt and get a job.

Um, he's not that financially stressed that he stopped buying electronics and toys Oh, and I am sure he is in on the $2000 trip too

OP--Did you ring up all of that debt on your own?

Maybe he should stop spending too

Get off her butt? OP--Do you sit down all day? Do nothing? Rest? I am so glad that people have that view of SAHMs

Her husband seems like a resentful man. I would have more respect for him if he didn't treat his wife like crap.

 

[beattyfamily]

I didn't mean that she needed to be his servant, but maybe if she tried to make things easier on him, he might be more willing to work OT. Maybe I am seeing the situation wrong, but as far as I can tell the OP's husband is a police officer who works the night shift. He is stressed out and tired when he gets home. He doesn't think she is doing enough at home. They live in an apartment. He needs to sleep during the day so he can't really babysit if she did find a job. All I was saying was if she did most of the housework by herself and he didn't have to do anything when he got home he might be willing to work OT. I work and I hate working overtime because I know how much more work is waiting for me at home. And about taking the baby somewhere he might not want to work anymore because he is tired. It is hard enough to sleep during the day.

My mom was a SAHM and my dad did virtually nothing at home. He worked hard and most nights did work OT, so my mom always had a hot meal waiting on him when he got home. I guess that is old fashioned, but it might make her husband a little more willing to work the OT.

Just wanted to say that I get what you are saying (now and in your PP) and I agree with you!

My DH works two jobs to be able to pay the bills and still doesn't want me to work. The least I can do is make sure the house work is all done, he has a good meal, and the kids are not driving him crazy and that he gets to sleep.

He has so little free time now that he barely can get the yard work done. So I do as much as I can and only leave some of the handy man/yard work stuff for him.

 

[wdw4us2]

I am a SAHM, but went about it a bit differently than most.

I worked until both of our kids were born and took 4 months maternity leave for each. I continued working full time and had the most wonderful sitter imaginable - she was more like a Grandmother.

I had always felt that I was missing out on a lot and had a hard time getting off work for the kids' extra-curricular activities as well as school events. I was also not enjoying my job anymore (USPS Letter Carrier). We owned a collector car and I asked DH if we could sell it, pay off some bills and become a SAHM. He agreed and I have been happy every moment since. DD was in 5th grade and DS was in 2nd grade at the time I quit working.

DD is graduating from high school in two days. I have been able to go to all of her athletic events, award ceremonies, field trips, etc. I am so glad we made the decision we did. I have been able to help DS with his school work, go on field trips, be a Room Mom, take trips to WDW without major planning and enjoy my children as they grow up.

The only thing I've ever occasionally missed from my job is the paycheck. Spending time with my children - priceless.

 

[mom2aredhead]

I was supposed to go back part time 6 weeks after my DD was born. As it got closer to the time (2 weeks before) DH saw how upset I was that I had to go back. We had some money coming in (retro checks from his job and also income tax checks, AND he got a raise at the same time, he's a cop) so 2 weeks prior, DH said, "Just quit and we'll make it work". So I quit my really good paying job (for not being a college graduate) and stayed home. Now that the funds are lowered, I HAVE to go back. I can't even go back to the same job, I have to find another one for probably 1/2 the pay and 1/2 the hours I worked before.
DH likes to spend money on video games and new electronics. I can't totally say I'm an angel with spending money, but I'm the kind of person that looks towards the future, DH doesn't.
He's a cop and works 11pm-8:00am. So if I got a job during the day, I'd never see the guy, he doesn't have weekends off so I'd literally never see him, but he said "well if we can afford to buy a house it will be worth it" well I don't see it that way. We rent a house that I love and also live in a very expensive city, STATEN ISLAND!
He told me that "everyone works" so this is why I wrote this post, I want to see how many people actually do compared to those who stay home with their kids.

I have to say that I was very hesitent to post here because I am not a fan of the "Mommy Wars" and threads like this usually turn ugly.

BUT - fellow Staten Islander here, so I had to add my 2 cents...
Living on this little island, especially on the south shore where I am, you get tricked into believing that all men are supposed to be cops/firemen/mta/port authority/city employees of some sort, and all the women are supposed to be SAHM's with SUV's, Juicy sweats, Ugg boots, and parents living no further away then 8 blocks, but preferably in the basement apartment of the 2 family house. That's not necessarily the way the rest of the world operates.
Maybe HE is the one that's looking toward the future - pay down some of the debt, keep your skills and resume current so if you HAVE to find a f/t job, you'll be able to, and earn some extra money so you can own a home rather than rent. Look around at all of the daycares on SI. Not all of those kids have Moms that are in Pilates and going to Dunkin' Donuts (though I'm sure some are) Lots of us work. (Sorry for the tough love)

I'll be the first to admit that the job opportunities here are PITIFUL unless you are a dental hygenist, manicurist, or are willing to do retail. I'd look into maybe going to NJ for a job - you will not be making Manhattan money, but the commute over the Outerbridge is much easier and cheaper than over the Verrazano.
I've worked f/t, been a SAHM, and now work p/t, which seems to be the best for all of us. Less expensive child care expenses, still time for family stuff, an extra income, and I don't feel like I went to college for nothing.

 

[maelstrom]

My mom quit working in late 1985 and I was born in January 1986. She hasn't been back to work since.

 

[DznyLvr2005]

I have to say that I was very hesitent to post here because I am not a fan of the "Mommy Wars" and threads like this usually turn ugly.

BUT - fellow Staten Islander here, so I had to add my 2 cents...
Living on this little island, especially on the south shore where I am, you get tricked into believing that all men are supposed to be cops/firemen/mta/port authority/city employees of some sort, and all the women are supposed to be SAHM's with SUV's, Juicy sweats, Ugg boots, and parents living no further away then 8 blocks, but preferably in the basement apartment of the 2 family house. That's not necessarily the way the rest of the world operates.
Maybe HE is the one that's looking toward the future - pay down some of the debt, keep your skills and resume current so if you HAVE to find a f/t job, you'll be able to, and earn some extra money so you can own a home rather than rent. Look around at all of the daycares on SI. Not all of those kids have Moms that are in Pilates and going to Dunkin' Donuts (though I'm sure some are) Lots of us work. (Sorry for the tough love)

I'll be the first to admit that the job opportunities here are PITIFUL unless you are a dental hygenist, manicurist, or are willing to do retail. I'd look into maybe going to NJ for a job - you will not be making Manhattan money, but the commute over the Outerbridge is much easier and cheaper than over the Verrazano.
I've worked f/t, been a SAHM, and now work p/t, which seems to be the best for all of us. Less expensive child care expenses, still time for family stuff, an extra income, and I don't feel like I went to college for nothing.

Hi, I'm also on the South Shore and let me tell you, I don't have a Coach bag, don't have a Range Rover, don't go to pilates or get manicures, actually the only thing I bought this year were literally curtains!!!!!
I did work in NJ. Even though they paid me good (compared to SI) at the time I quit it cost me $400 a month to GO to work, plus then I had to pay taxes for NJ and NY. It wasn't worth it.
I could do without. He can't. He needs every cable channel, needs every video game system, Netflix, etc...
I really honestly wanted to know who worked or SAH, because DH says everyone works, so really I just wanted to know how many people actually DO stay at home. I didn't mean to turn this ugly.
I looked here for jobs at doctors offices. The highest I found was $12 an hour. That's nothing compared to what the other doc in NJ was paying me, plus I was there 7 years so I did work my way up with raises.

Where on South Shore are you? We are on the border of Tottenville and Richmond Valley.

 

[bunny]

Get off her butt? OP--Do you sit down all day? Do nothing? Rest? I am so glad that people have that view of SAHMs.

Being a SAHM especially to an infant is a lot of work, but unfortunately it doesn't pay the credit card bills. If they can't afford it, she needs to either really budget or get a job. There is no other way around it. And her husband does need to get on the same page with the spending.

Being a SAHM is important but so is paying the bills and putting food on the table and a roof over your family's heads. The fact is you can pay someone to watch your kids but you can't pay someone to take care of your bills. Most moms would like to stay at home but it isn't also economically feasible.

And even working moms are SAHMs on their days off. I work but I know what it is like to spend the day with my kids. Maybe my job is just stressful but I love the time I spend with my children. Most of the time I can't say that about my job. I look forward to the weekends and being with them all day. Instead of meeting with my boss or coworkers, I sit and read them a book or do a board game with them. Instead of hurrying to meet my next deadline, I take a long lunch and then take them for a walk. Maybe my kids are just easy, but to me being with them is so much better than being at work. I even like to clean and do laundry.

I was just making some suggestions about to the OP about how to get her husband to work the OT instead of her having to take a part time job. If he knew that everything at home was taken care of and when he was done with work he could just relax and spend time with his family, it might be worth it to him. Who would want to work 60 hours per week and then still come home to housework and a baby?

 

[DznyLvr2005]

It is also life that if you are $19000 in credit card debt and live in a tiny apartment and your husband is really financially stressed out that you get off your butt and get a job. Just because your a mother doesn't mean you should let your financial future go down the drain. And most women work 40+ hours per week and come home and do stuff too. Putting your child into daycare and working isn't going to kill you or your child.

Actually, not like it matters, but we rent a house. Not a tiny apartment
And what he originally said was that I could stay home, never gave me a time frame to go back. I'm not lazy, it's just that I've stayed home so long, i'm so used to spending every minute with my baby... it will be very sad to leave her.

 

[DznyLvr2005]

Um, he's not that financially stressed that he stopped buying electronics and toys Oh, and I am sure he is in on the $2000 trip too

OP--Did you ring up all of that debt on your own?

Maybe he should stop spending too

Get off her butt? OP--Do you sit down all day? Do nothing? Rest? I am so glad that people have that view of SAHMs

Her husband seems like a resentful man. I would have more respect for him if he didn't treat his wife like crap.

ETA: DH doesn't want to go to Disney, he's actually sick of it. He said he wants to make me happy which is why we go. I'll told him to cancel it, but he doesn't want to. So he's not that bad to me.

We've had the debt for years. When I didn't have dental insurace before I was married I had to get 2 root canals and gum surgery and that was a few thousand dollars that I had to put on my CC. Actually it was almost $10,000. Then when we got married we bought a dining room set and a living room set. Then DH had a cc that had like $8000 on it. We consolidated cards and pay the minimum every month. We will have it paid off in a year or 2 depending on if we get another big tax return. Most, I'd say 90% of the tax money always goes to bills and credit cards.

I most certainly do not sit on my butt all day!!!!!! I'm chasing around an almost walking child all day long. She crawls everywhere!!!

 

[bunny]

It is heartbreaking to leave your baby. If you can swing it, try to figure out a way to stay at home, but if you only have to work part-time and you can find a reliable babysitter, don't worry about it so much. You will get some adult time and some money and she will get interaction with other people. It isn't such a big deal and definitely not something worth losing your marriage over or fighting with your spouse about.

 

[aprilgail2]

I= Also, why shouldn’t he have to do things around the house? Most men work 40+ hours a week and come home and do things.

.

Sorry but I think if one person works and the other is a SAH mom or dad the stay at home one should do the major bulk of the housework. I would be very annoyed if I came home after working all day and had to do housework when my spouse does not work!

 

[DznyLvr2005]

Sorry but I think if one person works and the other is a SAH mom or dad the stay at home one should do the major bulk of the housework. I would be very annoyed if I came home after working all day and had to do housework when my spouse does not work!

I do all housework, bottle making, diaper changing, feeding, cleaning, etc.... I don't expect DH to do any of this. I feel like I have to and I don't ask DH to do anything, I want to do everything.