Do you set rules...(long..sorry)

[smartestnumber5]

According to this it is not illegal for a 19 year old and 16 year old to have sex in Texas. 17 is the age of consent, but one cannot be convicted for having sex with someone over 14 so long as one was within 3 years of their age.

I only lived with my parents during summers when I was in college. They never asked for rent. For the first year of visits from college and the summer after we had some fights about rules regarding curfews and staying overnight at mixed gender gatherings (not boyfriend's). After the first year they pretty much left me alone and just asked that I let them know if I was going to be out very late or wasn't coming home. When my brother turned 18 and was home from college they set even fewer rules for him just because he's a much bigger pain in the butt to argue with. I think my parents getting more relaxed about such things was much better for everyone. Less fighting and stress, happier kids. Makes it a lot easier now when GF and I go to visit for holidays and my brother comes home from college with someone he's dating or a friend. No fighting about who's going to sleep with who, or making someone sleep on the floor just to keep up some fake level of appropriateness or something--the only issue is how uncomfortable and small the beds are!

Anyway, I think you are well within your rights to demand he help out with the household, contribute financially if you like, and get a license you don't have to cart him around. I think his relationship--whether you approve or not--is really none of your business since it appears to be legal. Personally I also don't think at 19 you have any right to tell him where he can and cannot stay overnight. (And why doesn't he just lie to you and tell you he's staying at a male friend's house? I guess maybe because he doesn't have a car.) I understand you saying "no GF staying over in our house," but this wouldn't be in your house. And I'm not sure where the grandfather comes in to this? Does he live with you? I wouldn't bring him into things at all if he isn't a member of your household. This should be a setting rules for what happens in the house issue, not a "the whole family is going to tell you how to live your life" issue.

 

[Chattyaholic]

That is fine...what about the OP? Would you allow that in your home.

The question was "Do You Set Rules?" I answered that.

I also said if my DD had been a "problem child" then I might have felt differently about not seeing "rules" for her to follow, did you miss that?

 

[Angelhalo]

I don't get it when you say "an adult should never have a curfew." An ADULT shouldn't be living at home with mom & dad scott free either! Even if you pay rent, if it's not your home, then out of respect you follow the rules of the homeowner. Period. If you visited family or friends & stayed in their home you'd follow their rules (good Lord I hope). Anyone that moves into a house or apartment still has rules & laws to follow -whether it be from the landlord, the township, the law, etc. There are always going to be rules. Why an adult child living in someone else's home thinks they should have no rules is beyond me. And if the original poster is correct that her adult son is breaking the law, then that's not even her rule, it's the LAW. Laws must be followed in any home, by any person, so to me it's a no-brainer. Break the law, pay the consequences. I'm all for tough love. If you think it's easier out of my house with my rules then go. Don't let the door hit you on the **** on the way out!

I'm sorry I don't recall saying I didn't follow their rules. They really didn't give me any rules to follow. I was always a good kid. There was no need for rules. I never in my entire life had a curfew. I never went anywhere really late where I would need one. If I went to a movie that was ending at 11:00pm when in High School, my parents knew where I was. I didn't call to tell them I was going to be late, I told them I was going to be late before I left the house. If we decided to go get a milkshake when the movie was over...my parents never panicked. They knew my friends and knew me. I was never a kid to worry about. I didn't do bad things and never went on dates, just out with friends. Rules really just weren't necessary in our house. I helped out around the house because I wanted too and everything worked out fine. I lived there "Scott Free" after college because that was how THEY wanted it. And because it was necessary. I was doing an UNPAID internship for school. They knew I couldn't afford an apartment yet and didn't want me to have to work a part time job in order to make money to pay them for no reason. Once I finished my internship, I started job hunting. I found a job in about 6 months. Then for 3 months I lived with them while I was working at my new job. I saved my money and I moved out. Everyone in our situation was happy.

I really don't recall having many rules ever in my life. I guess they just weren't necessary for us. I mowed the lawn to make $20 here and there. I took my clothes to the laundry room because I needed clean clothes, but there weren't any rules, we all just did what needed to be done. If mom made dinner, I'd help with dishes. If I made dinner, she or dad would do the dishes.

Anyhoo, I never claimed this would work for everyone. It's just the way it was for us and it worked. We didn't have a curfew, and no, I do not think an adult should have a curfew. The only reason I would think an adult living in their parent's home should have a curfew is if the adult living with them is a rude person with no common sense who comes home loud, disturbing everyone in the house. That is my opinion. I am entitled to it, and you to yours.

Have a great day!

 

[Angelhalo]

I agree with your entire post. I find anyone who thinks they are entitled to be above rules/laws has a great need to grow up and will probably have to learn things the hard way.

Again, I never claimed to be above any rules. I would laugh if they suggested a curfew because it would be sooooo out of whack with the way our house worked, not out of lack of respect for my parents. We had our system that worked for us our entire life and a curfew would have sounded like utter nonsense. I don't think suggesting a curfew would have ever even crossed their minds. I believe I have been completely misunderstood.

Par for the course the past couple weeks.

 

[wilderness01]

Again, I never claimed to be above any rules. I would laugh if they suggested a curfew because it would be sooooo out of whack with the way our house worked, not out of lack of respect for my parents. We had our system that worked for us our entire life and a curfew would have sounded like utter nonsense. I don't think suggesting a curfew would have ever even crossed their minds. I believe I have been completely misunderstood.

Par for the course the past couple weeks.

Actually you are the one misunderstanding. No offense, but the other person was posting about the OP's kid, not about you.

If the OP has set a curfew then it is a rule in her house, just like it is a rule in her house for the kid to do laundry. He is bucking her rules and that is disrespectful. If the OP's kid wants no rules then he shouldn't be living at home scott free.

You yourself said you helped out without asking. I think that is a little different. You were showing respect and common courtesy. So maybe it was an unsaid, unwritten "rule" but you followed the flow of the house and didn't cause problems. That is the difference. You have written you were respectful, this kid is not. That's it in a nutshell and isn't a hard concept. No one was talking about you being disrespectful, certainly not myself, when I posted. I was just responding to your thoughts.

Maybe that is why you think you are being misunderstood lately and are taking things too personal. You said your parents would have never dreamed of setting forth such "rules" well maybe because they didn't have to because you didn't give them a problem. So it worked for your family, and if my kid acted like you, it would work for mine. But if my kid acted like the OP's then it wouldn't work and I would feel like he was bucking the system so to speak.

 

[ocd4disney]

Oh I didn't mean it that way - I meant if there really was a Texas law that stated dating a minor was illegal. Just dating. I fully understand the statuatory rape laws & didn't mean to say they aren't to protect children!

Darn I'm off to work & have no internet there! Looks like I'll have some good reading tonight when I get home...

I hope I didn't offend you by quoting you and I wasn't meaning to imply that you didn't know about the statutory rape laws or that you are against protecting kids or anything like that. So if I have offended you, I'm sorry....that wasn't what I meant to do when I quoted you.

There are lots of silly, outdated laws still in the books....especially in Texas . I was just pointing out that the law I think the OP is talking about is more about being intimate and less about dating. And that it isn't one of the leftover laws, it is a current one.


personally I would be very concerned too, if my son was sleeping with a younger girl like that. That sort of trouble could haunt him for the rest of his life. My kids would not be living with me if they could not at least show me some respect. When I was an adult living at home, I always called to check in with my mom. I knew she worried about me and wanted to alliviate some of that worry. It wasn't so much a rule she set for me, as it was just common courtesy for her feelings. I also would have been too embarrassed to have a boy sleep over at my mom's house.


ETA~~I just saw the link in a PP. If it isn't illegal, then I don't see how the OP could really stop him and at least she can stop worrying about legal trouble.

 

[Heidict]

I wasn't in my parents house more then 6 months or so after I graduated from HS, but for the time I was there I never had a curfew and I didn't pay rent. I was responsible for helping with the house work and keeping my room up and my laundry done.

However, it was expected of me to have some respect and common courtesy for my parents. While I didn't have to be home at any certian time, I did let them know if I wouldn't be home that night or around what time I would be home. It's common decency, not control.

I can't get over my shock that the Baptist Preacher said it was okay for a 19 year old to have sex with a 16 year old and that it was okay to stay over at her house. Seriously? That is what he preaches to his congregation? WOW!!

You and Dh need to lay down ground rules. If DS can't adhere to ground rules then he knows where the door is. He does no chores, doesn't work and uses you as his personel chauffuer service. He obviously has no respect for you or DH. Sounds like it's time for ground rules. First step, grow up. Get a licesnse. Do some chores. Get a job. Contribute to the household and the family. If he can't do this, then he knows where the door is. We should be raising our children to be self sufficient and responsible. I love my DD and would do anything to help her, but she is no going to free load.

 

[Angelhalo]

I wasn't in my parents house more then 6 months or so after I graduated from HS, but for the time I was there I never had a curfew and I didn't pay rent. I was responsible for helping with the house work and keeping my room up and my laundry done.

However, it was expected of me to have some respect and common courtesy for my parents. While I didn't have to be home at any certian time, I did let them know if I wouldn't be home that night or around what time I would be home. It's common decency, not control.

I can't get over my shock that the Baptist Preacher said it was okay for a 19 year old to have sex with a 16 year old and that it was okay to stay over at her house. Seriously? That is what he preaches to his congregation? WOW!!

You and Dh need to lay down ground rules. If DS can't adhere to ground rules then he knows where the door is. He does no chores, doesn't work and uses you as his personel chauffuer service. He obviously has no respect for you or DH. Sounds like it's time for ground rules. First step, grow up. Get a licesnse. Do some chores. Get a job. Contribute to the household and the family. If he can't do this, then he knows where the door is. We should be raising our children to be self sufficient and responsible. I love my DD and would do anything to help her, but she is no going to free load.

I agree

 

[mjkacmom]

I don't get it when you say "an adult should never have a curfew." An ADULT shouldn't be living at home with mom & dad scott free either! Even if you pay rent, if it's not your home, then out of respect you follow the rules of the homeowner. Period. If you visited family or friends & stayed in their home you'd follow their rules (good Lord I hope). Anyone that moves into a house or apartment still has rules & laws to follow -whether it be from the landlord, the township, the law, etc. There are always going to be rules. Why an adult child living in someone else's home thinks they should have no rules is beyond me. And if the original poster is correct that her adult son is breaking the law, then that's not even her rule, it's the LAW. Laws must be followed in any home, by any person, so to me it's a no-brainer. Break the law, pay the consequences. I'm all for tough love. If you think it's easier out of my house with my rules then go. Don't let the door hit you on the behind on the way out!

If you were renting a room in someone's home, can they give you a curfew? Can they tell you that you are not allowed to spend the night at your girlfriend's home? If you had friends staying overnight, would you tell them to be home by 11? There is a difference between rules - no smoking, for example - and telling an adult what time to be home.

 

[wilderness01]

I wasn't in my parents house more then 6 months or so after I graduated from HS, but for the time I was there I never had a curfew and I didn't pay rent. I was responsible for helping with the house work and keeping my room up and my laundry done.

However, it was expected of me to have some respect and common courtesy for my parents. While I didn't have to be home at any certian time, I did let them know if I wouldn't be home that night or around what time I would be home. It's common decency, not control.

I can't get over my shock that the Baptist Preacher said it was okay for a 19 year old to have sex with a 16 year old and that it was okay to stay over at her house. Seriously? That is what he preaches to his congregation? WOW!!

You and Dh need to lay down ground rules. If DS can't adhere to ground rules then he knows where the door is. He does no chores, doesn't work and uses you as his personel chauffuer service. He obviously has no respect for you or DH. Sounds like it's time for ground rules. First step, grow up. Get a licesnse. Do some chores. Get a job. Contribute to the household and the family. If he can't do this, then he knows where the door is. We should be raising our children to be self sufficient and responsible. I love my DD and would do anything to help her, but she is no going to free load.

Great post. This was exactly what some of us were trying to say, but didn't say it as well as you.

 

[wilderness01]

If you were renting a room in someone's home, can they give you a curfew? Can they tell you that you are not allowed to spend the night at your girlfriend's home? If you had friends staying overnight, would you tell them to be home by 11? There is a difference between rules - no smoking, for example - and telling an adult what time to be home.

Actually my husband and I rented a hotel room on a airforce base in Southern California a long time ago. They did indeed have a "curfew" for what time we had to be back on the base, even though we were just visiting. We were within 2 minutes of that curfew and had to really "beg" to get to our room. The only reason they let us on the base was because they said maybe techniqually their clock was a few minutes fast. So yes, there are "curfews" in life and rules to be followed.

 

[Dawn68PA]

According to this it is not illegal for a 19 year old and 16 year old to have sex in Texas. 17 is the age of consent, but one cannot be convicted for having sex with someone over 14 so long as one was within 3 years of their age.

This is the PA law as well. My DD18 is now engaged to a nice guy of 21. They've been dating almost 4 years. Do the math. At 15 & 17 My DH had me looking up every law in the land to break them up when we discovered they were sexually active. The boyfriend's parents let him do what he wants as long as he lets them know where he is. We prevented her from going to his house but as soon as she got her driver's license that was the end of that.

My DD18 has always been obedient with us in every other aspect of her life. Love & curiosity beat us out on this one.

Anyway back to the post.....When she turned 18 the rules changed but there are still rules. I do not tell her she cannot stay at the BF's house. She calls to let me know when she is staying there so I don't worry. She always calls to let me know where she is so I don't worry. I'm very thankful and blessed that I have such a good kid. She works a full time job and on the weekends she is asked to do a household chore for each day she doesn't work. She does her own laundry. She does not pay rent (they are saving to buy a house). She does treat me to dinner every now and then just because she loves me. The BF is a really nice guy. He spends the night at our house from time to time but sleeps on the sofa. They did ask to watch movies in DD's bedroom one night & they left the door open. Respect.

Although morally I do not agree with everything they choose to do, I cannot force them to do what I want. I pray every day for my family. That's the best thing I can do.

 

[kellyg403]

My dd didn't have a curfew per se but I did want a courtesy call. Who cared if she spent the weekend with bf or friends, the point is I worry. I don't sleep well if I don't have an idea if she is coming home or not. Besides, I kinda felt like the one time she didn't call how do I know that something didn't happen? When do I start to worry. Its a little thing. And its something I deserved even if she was 45 and living at home.

Some kids, who think they are more adult then they are who need rules still. Like another said, I love my dd but she had to understand common courtesy and respect aren't going to kill her, make her more immature or less adult like. Besides, they were the same rules she lived with before, not something new. And it was fair, for her, me, the household. Come on, when the other kids are looking on what are we headed for? And, if she didn't feel it was fair she could move out, she is a big girl..or so she tells me. And so she did. I didn't want her too but really she is the type that has to learn the hard way.

OP, I think it is fair to expect whatever you expect from your adult son who lives at home. As for the gf...I couldn't possibly know what to say other than I would be upset about it too. You can't change it but I know I would be feeling blah about it too. So young.

Good Luck OP and I hope things work out for everyone.

Kelly

 

[malibuconlee]

I lived at home until right before I turned 21. I didn't have a curfew, but if I wasn't coming home for the night, staying with a friend, I did let my mom know.

My now DH never spent the night at my house, but I did spend weekends visiting him at college. I cooked and cleaned and did laundry, not just mine, whoever's needed to be done. I didn't pay rent, but did pay my phone bill (Oh, how I wish we had unlimited calling plans like we have now. DH and I both sepnt about $75 a month on long distance charges.)

 

[disykat]

If you were renting a room in someone's home, can they give you a curfew? Can they tell you that you are not allowed to spend the night at your girlfriend's home? If you had friends staying overnight, would you tell them to be home by 11? There is a difference between rules - no smoking, for example - and telling an adult what time to be home.

If I had friends staying, I would expect them to be courteous and be home before any question of how late they should be out arises. If there were misunderstandings, yes, I would tell them to be home by a certain time so I didn't have people coming in at all hours. If they didn't want to do it, they would be free to make other arrangements.

The child in the OP is not automatically making a courteous choice, so it needs to be legislated.

 

[Christine]

If you were renting a room in someone's home, can they give you a curfew? Can they tell you that you are not allowed to spend the night at your girlfriend's home? If you had friends staying overnight, would you tell them to be home by 11? There is a difference between rules - no smoking, for example - and telling an adult what time to be home.

If I were renting a room out to someone off the street, I would be charging them a LOT more money than I would charge my grown child. Say $600 versus $200 per month. I also would not be providing food in that charge nor my cooking services. Knowing the I was getting extra $$$$ from the tenant, I would look the other way on comings and goings. It would be a business arrangement at that point. Knowing how sensitive I am to people traipsing through my home, I would never rent out "commercially." But, if my grown child was living at home and had a job, and wanted to live with me, they would have to follow rules that would make me comfortable in my own home. And they would be getting very discounted rent in exchange.

 

[darlak]

DS23 is now living back at home after living on his own for 2 years. He dropped out of school after a year of college and got an apartment. After two years of working in a job he hated, he decided to go back to school. He came to us with a plan to pay his own tuition as well as his other bills (car payment, CC payments, etc.), but that plan meant he needed to move back home with us. We were so thrilled that he was going back to school, that we happily agreed.

His work hours often mean he won't be home until after 4AM, but he knows he has to call and give us a general idea what time he'll be in. Overnight female guests are not allowed unless she sleeps in the guest room, alone. He has some general chores, but not many and he willingly does anything else we ask of him. To his credit, when we mentioned that last rule, he maintained that he would never set an example like that for his 14-year-old sister. He does spend 2-3 nights a week at the girlfriend's apartment though.

He is an adult that is living rent-free in our home. It's not hard for us to respect that because he is always respectful of the fact that this is our house and he is living here because we love him and want him to succeed in live.

The truth is that it's hard to teach respect to an adult. If they failed to learn that lesson as a small child, it's much more difficult to get through to them later in life.

 

[kimluvswdw]

My daughter is 18, works, and lives at home. I can't get her to do a darn thing to help me around here. She either works or hangs out with her friends. I have come the end of the line with her. I have been telling her that she is going to pay me rent, but as yet, I have not made her pay. Starting March 1, she will be paying rent. I can't understand why a child thinks they can have free run to do whatever they want while they live in your home. My daughter has never been into any trouble, but if she can't help me physically around the house, she will help financially.

 

[It's A Happy Day]

This is a subject DH & I have spoken to at length and our children are only 5 & 6. He lived at home till we got married (he was 31) and his brother still lives at home (he is 38) - both live(d) there rent free, chore free. His parents paid for his education (bachelors degree) as well. I on the other hand was the total opposite. Purchased basically anything I needed and extra's from 14 on, once I had a job, and paid rent once I graduated high school and wasn't in college. They would not help towards college and as I lived at home the school considered their income so I did not qualify for student aid. After 3 years of paying OOP for school I couldn't afford to go my sr. year and ended up dropping out to work full time (I found out last minute that there was no more $ in my college fund so couldn't apply for loans at that point). Because I was now working full time vs. school I had to pay rent that went in their pocket and they spent. So, anyway, DH & I have discussed what we would do with our children - both before & after we had the kids. We have agreed to the following:

* There will be expectations of helping out around the house - what that entails will depend on what their work/school schedule is and agreed upon by DH & I.
* We will provide basic items in the house - shampoo, conditioner, soap, food, etc. as well as pay all utilities. They are responsible for any specialty items - if they don't like the shampoo and want a different brand it will come out of their pocket(s). If they want specialty channels on cable they will pay the difference for the upgrade. etc.
* They will pay some sort of "board" That money will go into an account - I already have accounts set up for both children (they don't know about them) that I am a co-signer on - I plan on using those accounts to deposit that "board" into it. I feel that children need to get used to having monetary responsibilities and this will help teach them that as well as help building a nest egg for a deposit on a home of their own.
* If they choose to not sleep at home that evening then I want to know that I should not be expecting them. I also require know where they are planning on being and a # to reach them at in case of emergencies. If they are arriving home after midnight I require some sort of time frame they expect to be home and they will be required to be home by that time unless a phone call is placed to let me know they are running late/changed plans, whatever.

Those are the basics and we will fine tune things when the time comes. I do think that there needs to be some sort of set rules/guidelines to live in some sort of harmony. To me it seems chaotic and would drive me crazy to not know IF my child (even an adult child) is coming home or not....how would I know if I should be contacting someone to help/find them if I have no clue as to if they could be in trouble. I realize that when they don't live at home I wouldn't know that stuff but I think it's common courtesy to the people you live with for some of that stuff.

 

[Disney Doll]

Fast forward a year and half. He moves back in with us. We don't stop him from dating this girl(he is now 19,she is 16). We don't give him a curfew but ask that if he is going to be after midnight to please call and check in. He does not pay rent. He does not have a license so either we take him or his girlfriend takes him. He does no chores and offers to help with nothing. But he wants to spend the night at his GF's house. Her mother is fine with this(why I don't know). We say no. Not only is it illegal but is isn't moral. He argues. We agree to ask grandfather(who is also a Baptist preacher). We will go with what grandfather says.
Well, DS ask without us present. So of course DS forgets to mention the age difference and the law. But grandfather tells him it should be okay and then tells us that we shouldn't try to control him, he's an adult and we should let him make his own choices. When we explain the age and law, GF doesn't really change his opinion. Mind you I also have an 18 year old son and 3 year old daughter in my home that we are setting an example for.
What would you have done and what rules if any would you have?
Thanks for any input...it is greatly appreciated.

OK...this kid is nowhere near an adult.
Make your house rules and he must abide by them or he goes and lives elsewhere and learns what life is like to be an adult.

Perhaps he can live with Grandpa the Baptist Minister and mooch off him next.