Do you set rules...(long..sorry)

[Acklander]

By the time my DS was 18 he was pretty much responsible for himself. When he wasn't going to school, he paid rent. He was responsible for his own space (room and bathroom), his own laundry, his own cooking, etc... and he helped on the community space (he took care of the lawn and picked up after himself). He was responsible for his own expenses (car, entertainment, clothes, etc...) We didn't have a problem with how late his was out, usually work took care of making sure he was in early on weeknights, and if he was going to spend the night away from home, he'd usually leave a note for us so we didn't worry. At the time his girlfriend was under 18 and being that her mom didn't mind when she spent the night ( I checked with her first) I didn't have a problem with it.
By the age of 18 I fully expected him to be responsible for himself and start making his own rules - not expecting me to make them for him. He made some mistakes like staying out to late and not being able to make it to work the next day, or not getting his own laundry done - and he had to deal with the fall out from those mistakes (getting in trouble at work, less paycheck, not having clean clothes etc...)

 

[Thats_for_Shore]

The day I graduated from high school, I left home. So I have never lived under my parents roof as an adult.

But, my brother on the other hand...he's never moved out. He actually moved his girlfriend in. They got married. They've had 3 kids. And my brother STILL lives at home.

Because of my brother, I've already decided that I will not make it overly comfortable for my adult kids to live at home. They'll have rules, and they'll have rent.

 

[Nancyg56]

You and Dh need to lay down ground rules. If DS can't adhere to ground rules then he knows where the door is. He does no chores, doesn't work and uses you as his personel chauffuer service. He obviously has no respect for you or DH. Sounds like it's time for ground rules. First step, grow up. Get a licesnse. Do some chores. Get a job. Contribute to the household and the family. If he can't do this, then he knows where the door is. We should be raising our children to be self sufficient and responsible. I love my DD and would do anything to help her, but she is no going to free load.

I agree with this post. Everyone has rules in this life and your son should not be the exception. He asked to move back home and you agreed but without any ground rules and without the conviction to set them along with consequences he is not going to attempt to attain anything.

We very seldom had to set boundary's for my children, they knew from an early age what our expectations were. My DH allowed his nephew to live with him before we married. He was in his 20's and had already burned bridges with other family members, had a reputation of being a gigolo and was lazy to boot. DH told him what his responsibilities were and that he was not to bring girls into the house. He always needed to be reminded (told) about his share of the cleaning or that he needed to pick up laundry soap, etc. One night he sneaks a girl in. He got up to a note to leave his key on the table, take his things and leave. He tried to argue that he was an adult blah blah blah. DH told him that he was living in his home and agreed to abide by his rule and broke his word. Get out.

FF to the past several years. He has abused his GM's hospitality and has gone through these years believing everyone owes him his living his upkeep and his board. He is almost 40 YO and still cannot accept responsibility is peevish with DH because he has been the only one to say no. His family says they don't know what to do.

OP- do you want to be supporting your son in your retirement years, paying his way out of mess after mess and trying to help when he has children that he is not parenting well but who are innocent victims of this indulgence? That is what you will be doing if you do not develop a backbone and set standards for those who reside under your roof and accept you support and protection.

 

[horseshowmom]

For starters I would not have let him move back home. I love my kids but there needs to be some amount of respect, or goals, or something.

Bottom line, my child would not live in my home with that level of disrespect.

OK...this kid is nowhere near an adult.
Make your house rules and he must abide by them or he goes and lives elsewhere and learns what life is like to be an adult.

Perhaps he can live with Grandpa the Baptist Minister and mooch off him next.

I agree with these. I lived at home after I graduated college until I got married a couple of years later. I didn't pay rent, but I helped with household chores and took care of my own expenses (I worked full-time). Under NO circumstances would I have been out spending the night with a boyfriend or bringing one home. If I wasn't going to be home by midnight, I would have let my parents know where I was and when to expect me (I think that's common courtesy).

DD is almost 21 and in college. She also helps with household chores (she's home on weekends and when she's out of school). She also would never suggest staying at her DFi's house, nor would he be sleeping with her at our house (he has stayed overnight on the couch due to bad weather, but that's not the same thing). A curfew has never really been a problem since she's always generally been home by midnight anyway (generally much earlier than that - they usually come home and watch a movie). If she is going to be late, she lets us know ahead of time or calls when she sees it will be late (again, courtesy so we don't worry about her).

And I've got to tell you, there's something fishy going on with this Baptist preacher. I'm a born and raised Baptist, and I can tell you for sure that what he said wasn't anything I would have ever heard come out of any preacher's mouth that I ever knew. Now, they may say at a certain point that there's really nothing you can do for an out of control 19 year old, but they would never say it was okay.

 

[mjkacmom]

This is a subject DH & I have spoken to at length and our children are only 5 & 6. He lived at home till we got married (he was 31) and his brother still lives at home (he is 38) - both live(d) there rent free, chore free. His parents paid for his education (bachelors degree) as well. I on the other hand was the total opposite. Purchased basically anything I needed and extra's from 14 on, once I had a job, and paid rent once I graduated high school and wasn't in college. They would not help towards college and as I lived at home the school considered their income so I did not qualify for student aid. After 3 years of paying OOP for school I couldn't afford to go my sr. year and ended up dropping out to work full time (I found out last minute that there was no more $ in my college fund so couldn't apply for loans at that point). Because I was now working full time vs. school I had to pay rent that went in their pocket and they spent. So, anyway, DH & I have discussed what we would do with our children - both before & after we had the kids. We have agreed to the following:

* There will be expectations of helping out around the house - what that entails will depend on what their work/school schedule is and agreed upon by DH & I.
* We will provide basic items in the house - shampoo, conditioner, soap, food, etc. as well as pay all utilities. They are responsible for any specialty items - if they don't like the shampoo and want a different brand it will come out of their pocket(s). If they want specialty channels on cable they will pay the difference for the upgrade. etc.
* They will pay some sort of "board" That money will go into an account - I already have accounts set up for both children (they don't know about them) that I am a co-signer on - I plan on using those accounts to deposit that "board" into it. I feel that children need to get used to having monetary responsibilities and this will help teach them that as well as help building a nest egg for a deposit on a home of their own.
* If they choose to not sleep at home that evening then I want to know that I should not be expecting them. I also require know where they are planning on being and a # to reach them at in case of emergencies. If they are arriving home after midnight I require some sort of time frame they expect to be home and they will be required to be home by that time unless a phone call is placed to let me know they are running late/changed plans, whatever.

Those are the basics and we will fine tune things when the time comes. I do think that there needs to be some sort of set rules/guidelines to live in some sort of harmony. To me it seems chaotic and would drive me crazy to not know IF my child (even an adult child) is coming home or not....how would I know if I should be contacting someone to help/find them if I have no clue as to if they could be in trouble. I realize that when they don't live at home I wouldn't know that stuff but I think it's common courtesy to the people you live with for some of that stuff.

I totally agree that adult children living at their parents' home need to be courteous. If they are staying out all night, or plan to be home late, they should let their parents know - I always did. However, I don't think a 20 year old should be told what time he needs to be home by, and told he can't spend the night at his girlfriend's home. I understand, with today's economy, why some need to live with their parents until they can save up some money - many have thousands of dollars in student loans. I don't think they should be treated like children, though. My parents told us we could stay until we were 25, and pay rent. My sister never came back after college, and I came back for a year.

 

[SC Minnie]

But grandfather tells him it should be okay and then tells us that we shouldn't try to control him, he's an adult and we should let him make his own choices.

I haven't read all of the responses but this is JMO-- If he is an adult that can make all of his own choices then he needs to live in his own place not with mom and dad.

I lived at home after college until I got married. I didn't spend the night with DH before we got married- doing so would not have been appropriate behavior in my parents eyes. I had been away from home for 4 years and they had no idea what I did but I knew to respect their wished while living with them.
I was home by 2am. I didn't have to pay rent but I did my share of household chores.

 

[mselly13]

I would like to thank everyone for their advice, opinion, and thoughts in general. It is comforting to know I'm not crazy.
No, this kid is not an adult by any means and probably won't be for a very long time if ever. He does have some disabilities. But the only thing he has actually been diagonosed with is dyslexia. He has no common sense and can't spell worth a hoot.
Before he actually moved back in with us he was spending weekends with us. He was more using us to see his GF than anything. He lived about 45 minutes away and biomom was charging him $80 in to bring him out here to see her. When he moved in with us it sorta wasn't planned at all, it just sorta happened and I was out of town on and off for the first month. I had to make an emergency trip to see my grandmother out of state and then my oldest DD was visiting from out of state and we were all staying at my parents lakehouse. So no rules were set that first month. I think it helped in a way because we actually got to see what he was like. We had raised him and I know I taught him better, but he had just come from living with biomom and she had no rules, I think because she didn't want to come across as a bad guy instead she came across as not caring.
He also couldn't get license. He couldn't pass the written test at the time. He finally passed it by taking it orally and then it took 3 times to pass the driving test. Stay off the roads where he lives!
Anyway, so when we did decide we needed rules we talked to him about it and gave him a few days to think about it. We then sat down and the first rule he thought he should have was...and I quote...this is not a joke, it is a quote..."I should be allowed to come and go as I please by checking in and asking"
Anyway, our biggest problem was spending the night at the girlfriends. And for those of you who looked up the rule...yes it was illegal. They are 3 years 5 months apart so they don't fall within the 3 year rule.
As for the Baptist preacher...yes he upset me. I really thought that he would come back with an answer of you need to respect your parents wishes while in their home or you know you shouldn't be having premarital sex.
I have come to realize with y'alls help that his so called "grandfather syndrome" (the grandkids can do no wrong) has gotten in the way of him doing the right thing.
He has moved out of our house and back with his biomom. I don't think it's the best thing for him in some ways but I can't hold his hand forever. And that's a whole other thread that we really don't want to start.
So thank you again to all who responded. I truly appreciate it.

 

[Kath2003]

If I still lived at home I would be paying rent, but I would not have a curfew. I am a grown up and I am perfectly capable of deciding when I want to come home. The only rule regarding my comings and goings would be that I didn't disturb anyone. Out of politeness I would probably tell them where I was going and my expected time of return but I would not expect to be told when I had to return. I live with my friend's parents currently and come and go as I please. As far as I know I have never woken them or my own folks up on the way in. My Dad gets up for work at 5am and sometimes we have a cup of tea and a chat as he's on his way to work and I'm just coming in, but that's the extent of it.

I would help out around the house, but I do anyway (e.g. I unstack the dishwasher every evening, offer to cook if my landlady is working late a lot, clean my own bathroom, vacuum the hallways on which I live and keep my room tidy). I offer to feed the pets and walk the dog if they want to go away for the weekend or are not home at the animal's mealtimes. I provide my own products like shampoo, toilet roll, cleaning products for the bathroom, washing powder etc. and the rest is included in my rent (my rent includes food). If I wanted any additional services in the house, I would be expected to pay for them. I do not use the house phone, that is what I have a cell phone for, but I would expect to be billed for any phone calls I did make.

 

[goofy4tink]

Just my .02....my now 35 y/o ds moved back with us several times. When he was in school, he was still holding down a part time job, so he paid something for rent, not a lot but something. If he wanted extra from cable, he had to pony up the extra charges.
Rules? Sure, we had rules. He didn't eat everything in the house without asking (yes, that was an issue, the kid loved to eat!!). If he was going to be later than expected at night, he was to call and let us know...common courtesy. If he wanted to eat with us, fine. If he missed family dinner, he was on his own.
If he had wanted to bring in an underage young lady? Nope, not happening. If he wanted to do that sort of thing, fine, but he wouldn't be living with me. We all make choices....seems he (your ds, not mine) has made his. I hope he has good luck. His biomom isn't helping him here, but enabling him, but that doesn't surprise me.

 

[disykat]

I totally agree that adult children living at their parents' home need to be courteous. If they are staying out all night, or plan to be home late, they should let their parents know - I always did. However, I don't think a 20 year old should be told what time he needs to be home by, and told he can't spend the night at his girlfriend's home. I understand, with today's economy, why some need to live with their parents until they can save up some money - many have thousands of dollars in student loans. I don't think they should be treated like children, though. My parents told us we could stay until we were 25, and pay rent. My sister never came back after college, and I came back for a year.

You totally negated yourself. It is not "courteous" to openly stay at a bf/gf's house if the people who are housing you don't approve of it. Notification may work for some, but it won't work for those who find staying overnight with a girlfriend to be against their moral code. It has nothing to do with age - you follow the rules of the home you live in - it's the courteous thing to do.

 

[horseshowmom]

You totally negated yourself. It is not "courteous" to openly stay at a bf/gf's house if the people who are housing you don't approve of it. Notification may work for some, but it won't work for those who find staying overnight with a girlfriend to be against their moral code. It has nothing to do with age - you follow the rules of the home you live in - it's the courteous thing to do.

 

[smartestnumber5]

You totally negated yourself. It is not "courteous" to openly stay at a bf/gf's house if the people who are housing you don't approve of it. Notification may work for some, but it won't work for those who find staying overnight with a girlfriend to be against their moral code. It has nothing to do with age - you follow the rules of the home you live in - it's the courteous thing to do.

How is it not courteous to for an adult to (legally) do X outside of the house, when the people who let you live with them find it immoral? How is it any of their business at all if it's not happening in their house?

Eating meat is against my moral code. So is voting Republican. As are many aspects of religion. If I told my adult child (or renter, or house guest, or whatever) who lived with me attended a certain religious service, voted Republican, or ate meat outside of my home during the time period they were living with me, would you say they were discourteous? I highly doubt it--most DISers would be saying I need my head examined and that I was the one being horribly rude for trying to stick my nose in to other people's private business that occurs outside of my home.

 

[nataliela]

I started dating my now husband when I was 15, he was 18 at the time.

I lived at home until I graduated from college and got married(about two weeks apart)

I never paid rent or any money to my parents. They continued to pay my car, insurance, cell phone and tuition until I got married.

I had no rules at their house. I did wash my own clothes and clean up after myself. I am actually cleaner than them anyway. I would also call if I wasn't coming home that night, just to let them know so they won't worry.

My husband(then boyfriend/fiancé) would sleep over occasionally, but would sleep in the other room.

I guess my parents were considered bad parents, but I came out pretty good. Full-time job, getting my masters degree, and I don’t have a child out of wedlock (no offense to those of you who do though! I am just pointing out that parenting decisions will not always have the exact effect that is wanted)

 

[WatchinCaptKangaroo]

3 "rules"

1) Pay rent if you are not in school
2) Help out around the house as part of family responsibilities (we all help out)
3) No illegal actives inside your home (this takes care of underage drinking and the jailbait gf spending the night).

 

[Kath2003]

You totally negated yourself. It is not "courteous" to openly stay at a bf/gf's house if the people who are housing you don't approve of it. Notification may work for some, but it won't work for those who find staying overnight with a girlfriend to be against their moral code. It has nothing to do with age - you follow the rules of the home you live in - it's the courteous thing to do.

So (hypothetical situation that I live with my folks) if my parents had a no drinking rule, I shouldn't drink in bars which I am legally able to do? If my parents had a "no sex before marriage" rule, does that mean I shouldn't be able to have a physical relationship outside of their home?

If they are children, fine. But these are adults. If the parents cannot cope with the fact that they are adults who will not respect them trying to control every aspect of their life, then they need to come to terms with the situation.

I personally think that at 18 the OP's son should be the one to make the decision as to whether to stay with his girlfriend if her mother allows it. He is an adult, so he can make the decision and he can be the one to suffer the consequences of his actions. The fact that he lives at home is irrelevant - if he'd gone off to college and stayed over at his younger girlfriend's house, it's unlikely his parents would have even heard about it yet alone been given the opportunity to object. He is legally responsible for his decisions; he is an adult; let him do what he wants. They can of course advise him on the best course of action but at the end of the day, it's down to him.

However, OP, with rights come responsibilities. If he's not paying rent, you need to be charging him. You also need to set out expectations because seemingly he's got a pretty cushy situation right now and stop doing everything for him. Is there a reason he can't do his own laundry? Is there a reason he doesn't contribute to the household chores?

To be honest, OP, I think your flaw was getting someone else involved. You should have explained why you had an issue with the situation to your son and left him to decide the best course of action. By geting someone else involved you've inadvertently legitimised a situation you're unhappy with and the grandfather has essentially undermined you. Sometimes it's true that if you give respect, you're treated with respect - treat your son like an adult who knows what's best, and he'll treat you as a parent who knows what's best. And if he doesn't, he's the one that has to live with his actions.

 

[LBAK]

My DD 21 most certainly does live by house rules in our house. She holds a full time job as a hair stylist. That being said my DH and I are up at 6:00 so she has to be home on weeknights by midnight. On weekends she's out later but she must call if she's spending the night at a friends. She would never ask us to have her boyfriend stay the night (or at least she hasn't yet). She pays us $150 a week. $100 goes toward car insurance and $50 is her rent which we put in an account and will give it back to her when she gets married. She needs to learn to be responsible with her money and this seems to work. She does her own wash and is rarely home to eat. She knows she is free to go whenever she wants. Apparently it isn't so bad as she has no plans to go anywhere and we love having her her.

 

[disykat]

So (hypothetical situation that I live with my folks) if my parents had a no drinking rule, I shouldn't drink in bars which I am legally able to do? If my parents had a "no sex before marriage" rule, does that mean I shouldn't be able to have a physical relationship outside of their home?

.

Absolutely not. However, if they don't appreciate your lifestyle and don't feel like it fits in well with their lifestyle, they don't have to let you live in their home.

I've lived with roommates who had different "rules" than I did. We quickly made other arrangements. It's not about imposing rules, it's about being comfortable in your own home.

 

[minkydog]

3 "rules"

1) Pay rent if you are not in school
2) Help out around the house as part of family responsibilities (we all help out)
3) No illegal actives inside your home (this takes care of underage drinking and the jailbait gf spending the night).

these are our rules, too. My DS is 21. college didn't work out for him, so he's working full-time and just got a promotion to asst. manager. His rent will be increasing shortly to $100 per month. Since he is over 18, we do not impose a curfew on him.He is allowed to drink if he likes and may watch R-rated movies as long as he does those things in his own room or where his younger sibs will not be aware of it. DS is not allowed to entertain friends after we have gone to bed, nor is he allowed to have girls overnight in his room. He enters the house through the basement after 11pm so as to not set off the "dog alarm."

DS washes his own clothes and is responsible for his own bills, insurance, and truck. When he was between jobs we floated him $300 with the stipulation that is was a loan, not a gift. He paid it back out of his first paycheck. DS sometimes eats with us, sometimes not. If he wants something that I would not usually buy(Red Bull comes to mind ) then he has to buy it. If we're taking everyone out to dinner, we pay. If he wants to spend the night elsewhere all we ask is that he let us know so we won't worry.


We all had a bit of adjusting to do, but ultimately we have come to a genial agreement: we will treat each other with consideration and respect. We expect DS to live within our values while he resides under our roof. We respect his privacy and he respects ours.

I'm sure DS would like to move into his own apartment. Hopefully that will happen soon. But as long as he is contributing to the harmony of our home DS will be welcome to remain. At least until we retire in 5yrs.