Do you set rules...(long..sorry)

[mselly13]

Do you set rules for adult children living in your home? Such as curfew, chores, expectations, rent, etc.

I lived with my parents until I was about 21. My mom always had me on a curfew. Her house, her rules. I paid rent of $100 a month if I wasn't in school and she agreed to give me any and all rent back when I moved out for items I would need for my own place. I did not come home drunk to her house. I did not have friends over without telling her first. I would never have thought of bringing a guy home to spend the night(no matter how long we had dated).

So I always expected to have some of the same sort of rules with my kids. Well, when DS turned 18 he moved in with BioMom(she hadn't been the picture in the last 10 years). Anyway, she lets him do whatever and whenever. He starts dating a soon to be 15 year old. BTW...is illegal in Texas. Once you turn 18 you can not date anyone younger than 17. Everybody should be able to understand this.
Fast forward a year and half. He moves back in with us. We don't stop him from dating this girl(he is now 19,she is 16). We don't give him a curfew but ask that if he is going to be after midnight to please call and check in. He does not pay rent. He does not have a license so either we take him or his girlfriend takes him. He does no chores and offers to help with nothing. But he wants to spend the night at his GF's house. Her mother is fine with this(why I don't know). We say no. Not only is it illegal but is isn't moral. He argues. We agree to ask grandfather(who is also a Baptist preacher). We will go with what grandfather says.
Well, DS ask without us present. So of course DS forgets to mention the age difference and the law. But grandfather tells him it should be okay and then tells us that we shouldn't try to control him, he's an adult and we should let him make his own choices. When we explain the age and law, GF doesn't really change his opinion. Mind you I also have an 18 year old son and 3 year old daughter in my home that we are setting an example for.
What would you have done and what rules if any would you have?
Thanks for any input...it is greatly appreciated.

 

[SandraVB79]

Well, I am still living at home, as is my youngest brother. My oldest brother moved out last year, I'll move out in a couple of weeks.

As long as we were in school, we didn't pay any rent, actually, our parents maid pretty much for all the necessities.
Now, I pay 250 EUR a month (375 USD) "rent", but that also includes food, my mom does my laundry, internet, cable, phone, etc etc etc.

We have never had any curfew. My mom is known to sometimes call us around 4 pm to ask where we are, but that's because she's worried we had an accident. We can come home as drunk as we want. As long as we don't get sick

I have had twice a boyfriend over for the night (different ones), both timew as at Christmas Eve. My brother's xGF also stayed over, quite often actually.
I guess we don't ahve that much morals...
We can have friends over, but I don't do that, because it isn't easy with all the people in the house

 

[Tensixmom]

I have an 18 yoa in the house also. BioM let him do whatever he wanted and she really had no clue where he was or what he was doing. He came to us at 17 1/2 now has a curfew, has to at least tell us where he is, pays no rent, etc. and hates every minute of it. He has simple chores, make sure the kitchen stays clean and the boys bathroom is clean and he doesn't do that. He doesn't even have to do dishes as that is another childs chore. I finally told him the other day when he didn't do his chores again, that I was no longer going to do my chore (the laundry) and that he was not allowed to use my washing machine or dryer and he could take his clothes to the laundromat and pay to wash them. They sat for a week in the laundry room and he did nothing with them. It finally came down to he absolutely had no clothes to wear and he didn't like it. He did his chores. We went through the girlfriend issue as well, but that seems to have subsided for now. Especially after we had a deputy friend talk to him about the law and what he could be in for.

 

[floridalaurie]

My son didn't have to pay rent as long as he was in school. He always had rules to follow and a curfew. When he decided to leave college and move back home, he had to pay rent. He could reduce the amount of rent he paid by doing some extra things around the house (yard work, painting etc). He needed to be in by 1am and drinking wasn't allowed. His girlfriend wasnt' allowed to spend the night. When he decided our rules were unreasonable and he didn't follow them, he was asked to move out. We had a 13yo and 6yo DDs in the house and felt it was important to set a good example for them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

For starters I would not have let him move back home. I love my kids but there needs to be some amount of respect, or goals, or something.

As far as the dating illegally....well, I have a 16yodd and I would be very harsh with that. Not sure what I would do.

Bottom line, my child would not live in my home with that level of disrespect.

 

[Christine]

I lived at home until I was 19. If I wasn't attending college, my mother made me pay rent (I *had* to be working if not going to school). My rent was $200 per month which was pretty steep in 1982! I also had a curfew because both of my parents worked they did not need ME disrupting them by rolling in at 2 AM. I always followed their rules. I knew that if I didn't my mom would kick my butt to the curb. She really would have. And that's the difference--most kids know that parents, these days, will not follow through and do that.

As for the underage dating, I guess I would have said "not while you are living with me" and kicked him out if he refused to stop. He is breaking the law while living with you.

 

[Darcy03231]

My kids don't have to pay rent as long as they are in school, but there are house rules. They have a curfew and chores to do. Once they're out of school they have to pay rent. I don't want to make it so comfortable that they never want to leave!

 

[Nancy]

I have a 15, 18 and 19 1/2 yr old here. The 15 year old has a curfew. The 18 yr old is still in highschool so has a curfew but it is pretty relaxed on the weekends. 19 1/2 works PT and goes to college FT. No curfew, no rent. Only rules, she does her own laundry. If she wants special food she buys it and cooks it herself. Boyfriend comes to visit they do not share a room. She only works about 10-15 hours a week at the most there is no way she can afford to pay us any rent money and take care of her own expenses. I don't expect her to not enjoy herself (going out to eat, movies whatever) just so she can give us money.

 

[crossfamily]

I have a ds that is 10. We are already telling him NOW that when he gets of age that he will either go to school or get a job. If he goes to school he will get to live here no charge but the same rules still will apply as they are now.. If he is working he will pay us so much a month. (which we will put away for him when he moves out he will have a cushion) Its responsibility and respect. I'm saying this now and who knows if it will change. These were both my dh's and my rules while we were younger and we both thank our parents now for doing this. He may not appreciate it now but later down the road he will.. OP don't back down he will thank you later..

 

[Loverly]

He starts dating a soon to be 15 year old. BTW...is illegal in Texas. Once you turn 18 you can not date anyone younger than 17. Everybody should be able to understand this.
.

Oh please! Show us the law that states that!?

 

[kellyg403]

My now 20 yodd moved out when she was 18, found out hard the world was and asked to move back in. We said yes, but she had rules. We didn't charge her rent but she did have to keep her space clean, if she wasn't coming home she had to call home and let me know, she had to do her own laundry and basically remember, my house my rules. I have 5 other children here. She hated it...every minute of it. She felt like if she spontaneosly left work and decided to spend the weekend with her friends she should be able to. The problem for her was checking in. And no male boyfriends allowed to stay overnight, in her room or otherwise. So, last month she came home on Thurs and Sat moved into her boyfriends mom's house. Evidently she is a grown up there. But, now she is paying rent, 1/2 utilities etc. Her boyfriend does not help pay anything. I guess she just needs to find out for herself. I know that she is safe and not living on the streets so if thats what she wants to do fine. The hard part for me will be the day she asks if she can come back home and live. From the outside looking in, the relationship with this boyfriend is rocky at best.

But yes, I do think if you are grown enough not to have any rules then you should have your own place. If you are grown enough to understand anywhere you live will have rules you can live with me forever.

Kelly

 

[TaraPA]

Oh please! Show us the law that states that!?

I think she was keeping it clean for the family DIS boards. By "date" she may have meant something else. Maybe not. Some states do have the oddest laws that have been on the books since the 1800's & this may be one of them.

 

[mjkacmom]

An 18 year old, out of school, is an adult, and he can spend the night wherever he likes. I never had a curfew after 18, and did move back in with my parents after college, for a year, and spent many nights at my bf's home. It would've been really weird for them to tell me I couldn't after I lived at college for 4 years!

 

[Chattyaholic]

Well, with DS I didn't have a chance to impose any rules after he graduated from high school, because he got married just a few days after graduation.

With DD, I didn't impose rules because she had been to college 2 years and I just felt that she didn't have "rules" in college, so why should she have "rules" at home? Now if she would have been a "problem child" I might have felt differently but she was very responsible and gave us no worries. She was holding down a job, engaged to a very nice guy, didn't get too involved with alcohol, wasn't into drugs, etc. so there was really no reason to ever say "my house, my rules" to her.

 

[Angelhalo]

When I graduated from college at age 22, I moved back in with my parents until I finished my internship and found a job all of which took about one year. I absolutely did not have a curfew and probably would have laughed if they had suggested one. An adult should not have a curfew. If I came home late (which was insanely rare), I'd do it quietly. I didn't pay any rent because A) I wasn't making any $, and B) once I did have a job they allowed me to live with them for 2 or 3 more months and wanted me to SAVE my money so that I could move out and afford an apartment etc., not to give my money to them. I didn't have any chores or rules to follow. I gladly made dinner almost every night of the week of my own accord, and would spend any time that I wasn't job hunting, cleaning up around the house of my own accord. I felt making dinner and doing some cleaning were the least I could do to thank them for their generosity, so I did it gladly and they told me how much they appreciated it. They knew I was poor so they paid for pretty much everything. The only things I paid for on my own were entertainment things such as if I went to see a movie with a friend or something like that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well, with DS I didn't have a chance to impose any rules after he graduated from high school, because he got married just a few days after graduation.

With DD, I didn't impose rules because she had been to college 2 years and I just felt that she didn't have "rules" in college, so why should she have "rules" at home? Now if she would have been a "problem child" I might have felt differently but she was very responsible and gave us no worries. She was holding down a job, engaged to a very nice guy, didn't get too involved with alcohol, wasn't into drugs, etc. so there was really no reason to ever say "my house, my rules" to her.

That is fine...what about the OP? Would you allow that in your home.

 

[ocd4disney]

Oh please! Show us the law that states that!?

I think she was keeping it clean for the family DIS boards. By "date" she may have meant something else. Maybe not. Some states do have the oddest laws that have been on the books since the 1800's & this may be one of them.

It is illegal in Texas to have intimate relations with a minor. He can date this girl but should she become pregnant or her parents decide they don't like him , then the parents can press charges for statutory rape.

Statutory rape is the crime of sex with a minor under the age of consent (AOC), the age at which individuals are considered competent to give consent to sexual conduct, but past the age of puberty. It is a generic term; different jurisdictions use many different statutory terms for the crime, such as "sexual assault," "rape of a child," "corruption of a minor," "carnal knowledge of a minor," or simply "carnal knowledge." Statutory rape differs from forcible rape in that overt force or threat need not be present. The laws presumes coercion, because a minor is legally incapable of giving consent to the act.

The term statutory rape generally refers to sex between an adult and a sexually mature minor. Sexual relations with a prepubescent child, generically called "child molestation," is uniformly treated as a more serious felony.

I don't really think it is one of those silly 1800's type laws....I think it is to protect children.

 

[TaraPA]

I don't get it when you say "an adult should never have a curfew." An ADULT shouldn't be living at home with mom & dad scott free either! Even if you pay rent, if it's not your home, then out of respect you follow the rules of the homeowner. Period. If you visited family or friends & stayed in their home you'd follow their rules (good Lord I hope). Anyone that moves into a house or apartment still has rules & laws to follow -whether it be from the landlord, the township, the law, etc. There are always going to be rules. Why an adult child living in someone else's home thinks they should have no rules is beyond me. And if the original poster is correct that her adult son is breaking the law, then that's not even her rule, it's the LAW. Laws must be followed in any home, by any person, so to me it's a no-brainer. Break the law, pay the consequences. I'm all for tough love. If you think it's easier out of my house with my rules then go. Don't let the door hit you on the behind on the way out!

 

[TaraPA]

I don't really think it is one of those silly 1800's type laws....I think it is to protect children.

Oh I didn't mean it that way - I meant if there really was a Texas law that stated dating a minor was illegal. Just dating. I fully understand the statuatory rape laws & didn't mean to say they aren't to protect children!

Darn I'm off to work & have no internet there! Looks like I'll have some good reading tonight when I get home...

 

[wilderness01]

I don't get it when you say "an adult should never have a curfew." An ADULT shouldn't be living at home with mom & dad scott free either! Even if you pay rent, if it's not your home, then out of respect you follow the rules of the homeowner. Period. If you visited family or friends & stayed in their home you'd follow their rules (good Lord I hope). Anyone that moves into a house or apartment still has rules & laws to follow -whether it be from the landlord, the township, the law, etc. There are always going to be rules. Why an adult child living in someone else's home thinks they should have no rules is beyond me. And if the original poster is correct that her adult son is breaking the law, then that's not even her rule, it's the LAW. Laws must be followed in any home, by any person, so to me it's a no-brainer. Break the law, pay the consequences. I'm all for tough love. If you think it's easier out of my house with my rules then go. Don't let the door hit you on the behind on the way out!

This was exactly what I was going to post.

I agree with your entire post. I find anyone who thinks they are entitled to be above rules/laws has a great need to grow up and will probably have to learn things the hard way.