Do you love your children differently?

[RachaelRol]

My story is so similar to yours. DD was born 8 weeks early - weighed 1 lb 13 oz - because I also had HELLP syndrome. She spent 6 weeks in the hospital, but luckily, has never had any problems whatsoever, minus a little bit of reflux in the first few days.

We had always planned to have our kids 2 years apart. When it came time, I so wasn't ready for another child. Our kids ended up being 3 1/2 years apart - just be cautious - I had HELLP syndrome again, DS also born 8 weeks early, but he weighed 3 lbs 7 oz and only stayed in the hospital for 10 days. This was all due to my overly cautious (thank goodness!) doctor who had me on bed rest at 5 months.

I love them both dearly, but they are totally different children, different mannerisms, different attitudes, everything just totally opposite. And due to that, I just communicate and respond to each of them differently. It doesn't mean I love one more or less than the other, it's just a different relationship.

Happy you and your chidren are healthy. my first Dr was an idiot. She did not catch any of the signs until it was too late... I'm seeing a specialist now who is very cautious. We'll know tomorrow if its okay or not to even try. He recommended no more after 31, I'm 32 and healthy so hopefully it will be okay. If not, we're happy and blessed to have Andrew.

 

[luv2nascar]

I have 2 girls 8 years apart. I though oldest was going to be an only. I was unsure I would love another as much as her. She is intelligent, dramatic, and was always self sufficient even as a baby. My youngest can always make me laugh, is sassy, and small & mighty. I love them both but not exactly in the same way. I have struggles with both. My almost 11 year old is very dramatic and emotional right now. Little one is almost 3 and potty training and a challenge all her own.

 

[ktpool]

I'm probably going to get flames for this....

Out of my three children, I have a closer bond with my youngest, ds3. My oldest, dd10 is from a previous relationship, and my middle child, ds4, is adopted. Austin is my only surviving child out of the three sons that I have had with my dh. He is in a way my miracle baby. Every time I look at him, I see my two boys that passed away. He is also my most easy-going, best behaved child, and has a special way of just melting my heart. I'll admit that I have a little more patience with him than I do his other siblings, but he's so mellow that he doesn't get in nearly as much trouble. It's been harder with Matt (our adopted son) for a number of reasons, I'm sure in part because we adopted him at an older age. He's also the more rowdy, most destructive and most defiant out of the bunch. We've been told he may be ADHD, so that doesn't make things easier. The bonding didn't happen instantly like I thought it would, and we've gone through family therapy to deal with it. He's such a sweet and social child, but it's hard to deal with the behavior sometimes. My dd is my first born, so I'll always have that special bond with her. While I do have these feelings, I'm careful not to make it known, and I will continue to do that all my life.

Stephanie, You are incredibly strong. You have been through so much and still opened your heart to another child you didn't have to. That is amazing! You know, adopted or not, you may have had the same feelings and issues with your ds4. It sounds like your family has so much love to give - for some reason I just feel that it is going to work out for you.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I have 4 children--an 18yo DD and boys who are 15, 12, and 6. I love them a equally, but very differently. They all have very different personalities, so how can I love them all the same?

My DD is a spunky young lady and always has been. She's a lot like me, which is good and bad, but is moodier than I am and is a bit of a prima donna. However, once she matures a bit and finds herself she will be ever more awesome than she already is. We do drive each other crazy, however.

My 15yo is a true test. He is smart, but you wouldn't know it. He has ADD and Tourette Syndrome. Sometimes he struggles to makes the grades to pass his classes (last marking period) and then he shines (this last quarter). I really don't know what to think minute to minute with him--he really keeps me guessing, but he seems to deal with a lot of teasing without it affecting him like it would a lot of kids. He really is amazing.

If I were going to have a favorite it would have been my 12yo, at least for the first 10-11 years of his life. He has been such a delight. He has been such an easy child, such a delight. Always willing to help out, such a hard worker. Really a nice kid. Then he turned into a moody preteen and some days I'm ready to give him back!

My 6yo has been the handful and I call him my lesson in humility. He has been the hardest child from the time he was 1-5yo. Always questioning everything I said, negative, wild, really a challenge. There were times that it was hard to have the patience to handle him. At 5yo he started to improve and he's much better now.

So you can see how different each of my kids are. How can I love them all the same when they are so different? And I don't think that there is a problem with having warmer feelings towards one child vs another at certain times in their lives as long as a parent doesn't show that "favoritism".

 

[corie161]

I came across this poem when I was pregnant with my second child. Very fitting:

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand,
basking in the glow of our magical relationship.
Suddenly I feel a kick from within,
as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born,
and I watch you.
I watch the pain you feel at having to share me
as you've never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way,
"Please love only me."
And I hear myself telling you in mine,
"I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you.
I almost see our new baby as an intruder
on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing,
I find myself attached to that new being,
and feeling almost guilty.
I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him -- as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change,
first to curiosity,
then to protectiveness,
finally to genuine affection.

More days pass,
and we are settling into a new routine.
The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two.
There are new times -- only now, we are three.
I watch the love between you grow,
the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you -- as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you,
I've given something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are,
but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered, to my amazement.
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -- only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time,
I now know you'll never share my love.
There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply.

I love you -- both. And I thank you both for blessing my life."

 

[kbkids]

Happy you and your chidren are healthy. my first Dr was an idiot. She did not catch any of the signs until it was too late... I'm seeing a specialist now who is very cautious. We'll know tomorrow if its okay or not to even try. He recommended no more after 31, I'm 32 and healthy so hopefully it will be okay. If not, we're happy and blessed to have Andrew.

I had my second at 33. After having HELLP syndrome with both, on my six-week followup, he said, "You know you're through, don't you?" He was teasing but serious all at the same time. Believe me - I had decided way before then that I was through. The second pregnancy was so tough. Having a three-year-old, bed rest so early on in the pregnancy, doctor visits 3 days a week, hospitalized on the weekends - no way was I going through that again. But my babies are so worth all it took in getting them here.

I wish you all the best!

 

[javamom]

I'll chime in on this one because I have been there. When I became pregnant with my youngest child. I agonized over whether or not my daughter would resent the new baby. They are 18 months apart.

Fast forward and my youngest is born and several day later we find out that he has a heart condition. We were whisked away to another city for surgery and I lived in his room for a week. We bonded in a very special way. Yes, I do love him differently. I love them all differently, they are different people each with their own unique personality traits, strengths and weaknesses.

When we got home from the hospital though the first thing I did when I walked through that door was grab my daughter, lifted her into my arms and hugged her and sobbed and hugged her some more. Though I have a special bond with my youngest, my daughter still holds such special things for me too.

 

[minnie56]

I think I love them differently because they are different! My oldest DD 22 is a wise old soul...always has been and we have such a lovely connection while my youngest DD 19 has always kept me on my toes and is free entertainment! For all that each of them are....I adore them both equally and my life has been blessed since that very first look into their eyes...

 

[NCDisneyMom]

My two are 3 1/2 years apart, and I had no idea how I could ever love my second (DD) as much as I loved my first (DS). Although everyone told me I would, I just didn't see how it was possible. After dd was born, I found that I didn't have to share the love I had for ds...my heart just got bigger, and I found there was more love inside of me to give to dd.

But do I love them differently? Sure I do, they are different people.

DS, age 6 now, is my snuggler. He could sit on my lap for hours, reading books, etc. He's much more shy, but he is (now) just the sweetest little boy. I find my heart about to explode when he tells his sister he loves her.

DD, age 2 1/2 now, is little "Miss Independent". While she is a handful, I love her for her willingness to try new things. I love that I have a little girl who will play tea party, and who I can do "girly" things with.

I love them just as much as the other, but yes, I love them differently.

 

[RachaelRol]

I had my second at 33. After having HELLP syndrome with both, on my six-week followup, he said, "You know you're through, don't you?" He was teasing but serious all at the same time. Believe me - I had decided way before then that I was through. The second pregnancy was so tough. Having a three-year-old, bed rest so early on in the pregnancy, doctor visits 3 days a week, hospitalized on the weekends - no way was I going through that again. But my babies are so worth all it took in getting them here.

I wish you all the best!

WOW. How early were you on bed rest someone else posted at 5 months?

 

[RachaelRol]

I came across this poem when I was pregnant with my second child. Very fitting:

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand,
basking in the glow of our magical relationship.
Suddenly I feel a kick from within,
as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born,
and I watch you.
I watch the pain you feel at having to share me
as you've never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way,
"Please love only me."
And I hear myself telling you in mine,
"I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you.
I almost see our new baby as an intruder
on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing,
I find myself attached to that new being,
and feeling almost guilty.
I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him -- as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change,
first to curiosity,
then to protectiveness,
finally to genuine affection.

More days pass,
and we are settling into a new routine.
The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two.
There are new times -- only now, we are three.
I watch the love between you grow,
the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you -- as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you,
I've given something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are,
but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered, to my amazement.
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -- only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time,
I now know you'll never share my love.
There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply.

I love you -- both. And I thank you both for blessing my life."

That was beautiful. Crying in my office...

 

[Grumpy's Wife]

I think it is quite normal to have these feelings when you find out that you are expecting your second child. How will I love this baby as much as the first? Will I have enough love to give to a second child? The answer to both is you just do. You can't explain it. You hold the second then third and its just there, "a mothers love". You have to same amount of love for each of your percious gifts from God.

 

[RachaelRol]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. I'm glad it didn't turn out to be a finger pointing session about parental favoritism... We'll find our from the doctor tonight.

 

[MAKmom]

I very clearly remember literally crying to my husband when I was pregnant with my second child that I could never love this one like our first. He said that was crazy...not the most consoling phrase, but you know what, it is absolutely true.

I don't love one more than the other...just different. My heart can melt one minute for my son's goodness and sweetness and the next it can be for my daughter's strength and intelligence.

Don't worry...there is enough love for everyone in a home. It is not just a saying )

I did the same thing 2x. You do love them all the same crazy I'll die for you nobody better ever try to hurt you way.

My Mom was told my younger brother had the same thing the Kennedy baby died from. Long story but the DR was a lier. All my brother has to do to this day is make this weak neck motion & my mother stops what she is doing & melts. He got out of all kinds of trouble doing this...he is 40 now & still uses it.

So we always said he was the favorite. I do think someparents have favorites.

 

[mickeyboat]

I don't love one more than the other. I do love them differently.

Hannah was not quite 4 months old when I found out I was PG with Emily. We had a tough time getting PG, so we kinds threw caution to the wind after she was born because we knew we wanted another one, and didn't know how long it would take. Hannah was a premie and stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks after I went home.

I felt soooo guilty that I was going to deprive Hannah of the extra attention she deserved as an infant. She was a tough baby, and very attached to me.

It was hard when Emily was born. I wanted to keep things the same for Hannah, but it was impossible because I had to care for Emily, too.

What I came to realize is that just because I couldn't devote my entire attention to Hannah, didn't mean she was suffering. Daddy and Papa and Grammie could give her attention, too - and she would be better for it because she was learning that it was o.k. to depend on someone else. And by giving her a sibling, especially one so close in age, was giving her a wonderful gift that she would have for her entire life.

The girls started K together this year, and except for some minor bickering, they are the best of friends.

Good luck to you and your DH.

Denae

 

[Pooh's Pixie]

I have 3 children and I remember feeling this way too. Especially right before you have the baby, you start the "This is the last week it's going to be just us..." kind of stuff. Not that you don't want #2, just that it will change so much. But really, it changes but for the better. It's very true that your heart just enlarges to envelop another. I look at it this way, it is possible to love many people with your whole heart. Just like growing up, I'm sure you loved both your parents completely. It's the same thing with your kids.

Of course, there are moments when you are closer to one or the other and sometimes their needs and demands shift, but the love is always there. Otherwise, HOW COULD WE DO IT?!!?

Good luck. I'm sure it would be nice for your child to have a sibling!!!

 

[RachaelRol]

DS would love a sibling. We went to the Dr tonight and he said go for it.

I have to get 22 tubes of blood drawn and will be out of work at 20 weeks once we're PG. This I think is my biggest fear.

My career is very important, but I am willing to take a detour for this. I will probably give my boss a head's up in a couple weeks rather than spring it on her at 12 weeks and say sorry I'll be out on disability in 8 weeks. I'll be back after I deliver and maternity leave.... Don't think that would go over well.

Oh well not to worry until I'm knocked up!!! Thank you all for your kind words....

 

[tigercat]

I have 3 children and 3 favourite granddaughters. Each of my 3 children have different qualities and gifts. All are very precious to me. After losing my one son I realize that the 3 that are here on earth should never be taken for granted. I really enjoy being with each one especially now that they are all adults. Now as to the dgdd's I must admit I do have favourites--to the 3 that I have. They are all my favourites LOL and they know it.
tigercat

 

[Ratpack]

You need to get the book, I LOVE YOU THE PURPLEST! It is about a mother of two boys that tells each of them the reasons why she loves them...one she loves the "reddest" and the other the "bluest". The book doesn't say the purplest at all, but when you mix them together....well, you get purple. It really touches your heart
Yes, each one is different, but your heart just continues to grow as each child enters your life. You just don't know this until it actually happens. It amazes me how God planned all of this!

 

[poohandwendy]

Yes, I certainly do love them all differently. They are all diffferent and individual. But the measure of love for each is the same. Unconditional and infinite.