Do you get snubbed at church (of all places)?

[cybrkitn]

Minister's wife here and I HATE the cliques at church. We live in a town that is cliquish to the people who grew up in this town. I find the cliques all over. PTO is awful, the public pool...You try to talk to people, they find out you're not from here (I'm from the neighboring town) and that's the end of that conversation.

Rev Dh feels it too. Cliques are hard to break.....I'm starting my own...Wanna join????

Love to

YSIC

 

[IMALOVNDISNEY]

There are lots of Churches like that, just remember, its not supposed to really be about the people there anyway, its about God/Jesus and your own personal relationship with them.

Amen to this.

For those of you not comfortable within your own House Of Worship....I am truely sorry for that. My family and I feel very blessed to be apart of our Church and our Church Community. My DD's school belongs to our church. In the begining of her school days, we didn't feel welcome within the school community, but, always apart of the Church. The school had also somewhat disconnected itself from our Church. The parents that were in charge of PTO never let "outsiders" be apart of anything (not all of them, but the ones in charge). They were always quick to complain about how much they had to do, and no one ever wanted to help. Well after hearing this for 2 yrs and always being shot down when ever I tried to help, I desided to run for a place on the PTO along with 2 other parents from the school that had experienced the same snobs that I had. We won and changed everything. Each and every family that choose our school was made to feel welcome and we reconnected with our church to work as one again. It was a great experience and the majority of the families were much happier with the changes.
My advise is to be persistant. Maybe those people are waiting for you to come to them. I know it doesn't seem fair, but, if that's what it will take....Take the first step. Approch them. Extend your hand.

 

[Chicago526]

Hmmm. If the minister isn't a part of the "clique" problem, maybe suggest he do a sermon on the topic of inclusion, welcoming outsiders, not judging people (I think that's in the Bible somewhere, isn't it? ). Then again, something that subtle could just go over their heads...

 

[cybrkitn]

There are lots of Churches like that, just remember, its not supposed to really be about the people there anyway, its about God/Jesus and your own personal relationship with them.

Amen to this.

For those of you not comfortable within your own House Of Worship....I am truely sorry for that. My family and I feel very blessed to be apart of our Church and our Church Community. My DD's school belongs to our church. In the begining of her school days, we didn't feel welcome within the school community, but, always apart of the Church. The school had also somewhat disconnected itself from our Church. The parents that were in charge of PTO never let "outsiders" be apart of anything (not all of them, but the ones in charge). They were always quick to complain about how much they had to do, and no one ever wanted to help. Well after hearing this for 2 yrs and always being shot down when ever I tried to help, I desided to run for a place on the PTO along with 2 other parents from the school that had experienced the same snobs that I had. We won and changed everything. Each and every family that choose our school was made to feel welcome and we reconnected with our church to work as one again. It was a great experience and the majority of the families were much happier with the changes.
My advise is to be persistant. Maybe those people are waiting for you to come to them. I know it doesn't seem fair, but, if that's what it will take....Take the first step. Approch them. Extend your hand.

Our DS4 just started Pre-School this year at our church as well. Only instead of a PTO we have a PTFL (Parents, Teachers, Friends League). I also feel that our school is a little disconnected with the church. But I think it might stem from the fact that very few teachers are actually members of our church. The others belong to churches near them. However, a lot of the staff are members of the church as well as friends of ours.

But I am happy about one thing. Chapel for the kids is a bit different than Sunday morning service. The songs they sing are a bit more up-beat than what we sing on Sunday and our son loves it. Tomorrow is his first Christmas pageant at school and we are really looking forward to it.

 

[Snowysmom]

We ended up leaving a church for this very reason. Unfortunately, the minister contributed to the atmosphere. People would walk right by, I would say hello and get no response or look or anything. After a while, you just realize that this particular church is not the right place for my family. I wanted to tell these people that I have been snubbed by better people than you but then I would be at their level so I kept it to myself. Maybe it is time to look for a new church.

 

[noahynav]

This post could not have come at a better time. I prayed last night for help with this very problem, I am switching churches over this very thing and have been feeling very guilty about it. It is such a sign from God to me. I have always believed in the power of prayer, but WOW! How amazing to find a thread on here about my exact concerns. Thank you for posting this, know that you are not alone, and thank you to everyone else for confirming that this is NOT the way true Christians should act.

 

[Cindy B]

Yes.. I currently cant stand our current church for THIS VERY REASON. The church is in an affluent town and everyone knows everyone. We don't live in the town but about 5 minutes away in a different town (different county actually as well).

All the moms and just these perfect Talbots wearing, PTA president types with 4 carat diamond rings! They are just so nasty.

They would purposely ignore me and such after church. Its gotten so bad during the congregation "welcome and shake your neighbors hand" during service-- I step out before I have to deal with the polite head nods.

 

[Val]

Our parish has become the very wealthy parish in town in the past few years- and we are NOT wealthy. If you have money and give to the priest's pet causes, you are in. If you give your time rather than money- you are out. It is obvious who the favorites are, and who they aren't. School population is down significantly, and people are leaving like crazy- but only the "poor" people. Several examples:

This past summer he fired the choir director, and now we have NO music at any of the masses- and former choir members are on the outs...not sure what we did.

Many of the children in my DS's class are being bullied by a particular (weathly) child. My DS is being bullied so badly that he refused to go to school for a week. The bully told DS that another child would commit suicide because the bully was going to drive him over the edge, but then DS would get blamed and burn in hell.....priest's response: your son should get counseling. Nothing done to the bully! He is just "tougher" than my son and my son needs to learn to tough things out. Yes, we have a zero tolerance policy on bullying in our school handbook.

The priest told us he doesn't want our DD to wear her hearing aids at school- that hearing loss isn't a real disability and if she was a better student she wouldn't need them. He wants the parish school to be the "best" and this doesn't include children with hearing aids (don't worry- it's part of her IEP with the public school and a fed violation if she can't wear them! Teachers are in full support). I called the priest a 'bad name" in public during this incident and now am president of the "parish priest hates me" club! Most other kids with special physical needs have already left the school

My DD15 used to attend the youth group until several weeks ago. During lunch at the public high school students from the youth group surrounded a classmate of hers and taunted her and ridiculed her because she was gay. My DD came to her rescue because she thought the youth group members behavior was so hateful, and even escorted her friend to the principal's office because she was so upset (I know that disciplinary action against those students is being handled at the public high school- but it is neither my business or right to know what happens to them). My DD no longer wants to be part of a youth group that promotes hateful behavior. Can't really force her to go- have to agree with her.

Our oldest DD19 and DD15 graduated from this school, but unforunately we won't be back next year- our DS11 and DD9 will not have the opportunity to finish out here. We will be changing parishes as soon as the school year is over (if we don''t attend and give our weekly required donation our tuition is doubled and we can't afford that). We will make it through the year for the sake of kid's friendships, etc., but won't be back. We are not alone- estimates are that 1/2 of the 5th grade class will not be going on to the junior high.

Funny- I don't get to "give" much money, but I write grants for the school to the tune of thousands every year......guess any old grantwriter can do that!

 

[Jane E.]

Ouch! This topic a real eye opener. It makes you wonder what goes thru people's heads sometimes.

I had my eyes opened at one church we attended. We'd been going there for several years. It was a great church. People were supportive. We loved meeting up with people for brunch after church. We were always invited to BBQs, picnics etc that people were having.

Then a guy I knew from years back at another church started attending with his new wife. He introduced me to her & we became friends. After a year she quit working fulltime & was able to go to the women's prayer group with me. About a month later she quit the group saying she felt like no one liked her. I discussed it with the ladies in the group.

I was stunned when they blamed HER. And, sadly, this attitude started with the pastor's wife. They said that she was negative & needed an attitude change. I thought they would be supportive and invite her for lunch or phone her or something - but NO! They blamed her - basically ignored her. I felt caught in the middle. She was a lovely person - not negative at all. On the other hand, they had always been very supportive & warm towards me. I could never get my mind around the situation. They were all great people. Thankfully, her dh got a job in another city & happily they found a church in that town that they loved attending.

I have another friend who had been attending a church for about 2 years. She felt like an outsider but stayed with the church because they had a great kids' program. She went thru a lot of soul searching & sadness while attending there. Finally, they quit that church & started attending another church. The new church was small - had less than 100 people. She immediately felt accepted & made lots of friends. She's really involved in the church. She's so glad she made the switch.

In both of these cases the people were the same - at one church they didn't feel accepted and at another they did feel accepted. It can really be strange sometimes.

 

[cybrkitn]

This post could not have come at a better time. I prayed last night for help with this very problem, I am switching churches over this very thing and have been feeling very guilty about it. It is such a sign from God to me. I have always believed in the power of prayer, but WOW! How amazing to find a thread on here about my exact concerns. Thank you for posting this, know that you are not alone, and thank you to everyone else for confirming that this is NOT the way true Christians should act.

God knows what we need when we need it I find just that when I get my daily devotions from Kenneth Copeland Ministries (KCM) via email and when we receive the Believer's Voice of Victory magazine each month. When I'm going through something or have questions, God always sends the answers I need and 9 times out of 10 it will be through KCM

However, yesterday it was at church during the sermon. The reassurance I needed to the point where I was practically in tears and over joyed!

 

[jeanadave]

I hadn't been to church in about 25 years. Then my dad died and my mom moved near me (my parents had lived in Georgia and I lived in Tennessee). So I started going to church with my mom. I didn't go every week (she does) but I would say I averaged AT LEAST twice (and sometimes three) a month for about 3 1/2 yrs. Now bear in mind that this is not a huge church, maybe 100 folks (I'm talking adults, not children). Anyway, every week that I would go, the pastor would look at me when my Mom and I walked out past him like it was the first time he had ever seen me in his entire life. Hello??? I've only been here about 70 times! The congregation was like that too. Only a few people ever even spoke to me - for 3 1/2 YEARS. My mom and I started going to another church this past summer and the difference is amazing. More people welcomed us and made us feel like we WERE welcomed there the first week than the other church in the whole time we were going there. So I say, just check out different churches.

 

[whogirl'smom]

I have to say, all of these responses have really made me feel better. I didn't realize so many people have run into this problem and felt as bad as I have felt at times. I did just spend the evening with some of the people from my SS class, shopping for the families we adopted for Christmas, and it reminded me that there are people I really do like, that are a joy to be around and very uplifting in their faith. I feel for all of you that have changed churches; it is a very hard decision and just when I wonder if we should change, God seems to put someone in my path to remind me that these few snobs do not a whole church make.

I have wondered at times if the snobs just feel more comfortable with their own friends, etc. and then I remember that lots of them have been at our church all their lives, and maybe are just blind to new people. I was told by a friend when we first started attending, that the division we all noticed, was due to a money thing. Not giving money to the church, but having money. I don't know who gives what, and don't care, but if I step back and watch like a sociology experiment, it does seem to be the ones with money, and "important" jobs, that get all the recognition. Sometimes it feels like a National Geographic special.

I think I stay sometimes out of stubbornness, that I won't let "them" make me want to leave, and give them that much power. I love our ministers, and our children's program. If there is a problem with the kids and cliques being bad by the time DD hits youth group age, I'm outta there. I won't let church ever be a place where DD does not feel welcome and included. One of my close friends, who happens to go to church with us, grew up there and felt snubbed in youth group , and still to this DAY, 25 years later, still feels left out! I can't do that to my daughter, if it comes to it.

 

[cybrkitn]

There seems to be a lot of churches out there that have lost their way. They have become the modern day Pharisees.

I was reading Matthew a bit this morning, but didn't come to the following scripture until a few minutes ago. Matthew 23:13-38 is subtitled "The Hypocrisy of the Scribes and Pharisees" (God's Word Translation). I believe it perfectly describes how a lot of the churches are acting. Even some of the council members on our Church Council are acting like Pharisees. Doing things to look good for themselves rather than looking to God for guidance. After all, the church is God's to begin with.

But if you remember, the Pharisees looked down on Jesus because he was eating with sinners and tax collectors. Jesus had said to them that the healthy do not need a doctor but the sick (paraphrasing since I can't remember where in the Gospels it is located).

When our new pastor does the sermon, I often wonder who really is listening and understanding what is being said. Many things have been said to reach them, but it doesn't get through. I wonder if many in our congregation just think that it's a good story and that's it. Matthew 13:13-15 says it best:

"This is why I speak to them this way. They see, but they're blind. They hear, but they don't listen. They don't even try to understand. So they make Isaiah's prophecy come true:
'You will hear clearly but never understand. You will see clearly but never comprehend. These people have become close-minded and hard of hearing. They have shut their eyes so that their eyes never see. Their ears never hear. Their minds never understand. And they never return to me for healing!'"

YSIC

 

[Lizzy2]

So why are you still going there? Find a new church, girl!!

 

[Disney Doll]

Sounds like what happened at our church
Committ adultry and have $$- pay for new carpet and you retain your position as a deacon

don't have $$ and file for divorce against your husband who walked out 10 yrs ago and has several kids with the new GF- you are asked to leave the church because your sins make you a bad role model

Doesn't sound like a church I'd want to be a part of anyway.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

You could always say hi.


There was one lady who used to be nice to me--then started getting unusually snippy and weird (one would say snobby).

Turned out that it was probably about the time she was discovering she had breast cancer.

I wasn't being snubbed at all. She just had more concerns in her life.

She is no longer snippy to me---she had a mastectomy, finished her chemo and for now is in the clear. She looks wonderful and is doing great.


You are more than welcome to approach those you want to say hi to. Our church has over 1000 parishioners and if we stopped and said hi to every single one so that they wouldn't get offended for a "snub" that never took place. We wouldn't be home until Monday.

 

[whogirl'smom]

I do say hi, that's the point. I never wait for others to speak first, because I am not shy myself. The men are the worst for not even speaking and looking right through you. My husband has spoken to people (even in a Sunday school room) and been looked right through with no response. It doesn't happen all the time, but I think it's ridiculous that certain people can't even fake being polite in church! I do worry that I am the one being judgmental, but come on!

 

[annegal]

The wife of someone I know is very religious, and is the Religious co-ordinator at their School. She really has a "I'm better than you" attitude, mainly because I don't go to church. I think it's a hoot!

 

[auntpolly]

worship and move on!

That's what my priest says every week - Peace be with you....not worship and move on!