Do you feel good about yourself?

[miss missy]

Absolutely, we all do. I think the point of contentment is when we realize that...that every single person has chinks in their armor. That there really isn't any perfection. When you get to that place, you realize that self hatred is comparing yourself to the unachievable, a perfection that does not exist in anyone. I think when you can accept yourself as that imperfect person, and that it is ok that you have chinks, you really have made peace with yourself. When you can focus on the goodness in yourself...you can drop the burden of feeling your self worth is based on your failings (real or imagined). It comes from within.

I think people who have dealt with serious health issues sometimes gain clarity that others haven't attained because they are faced with what really matters in life. Everything material, all of the surface stuff is stripped away and what really matters is exposed. And that is the humanity in all of us. The relationships we have with each other, acts of kindness, acceptance of imperfection in ourselves and others...

Interesting discussion.

Very well said

I have a hard time with the "acceptance of imperfection in ourselves and others" I really struggle with both of these.

 

[miss missy]

Just want to tell you all about a low point in my life where I actually gained some perspective, it was a turning point for me.

I remember things were really awful in my marriage, I was feeling really bad about myself in every way (physically and in most ways I felt like a failure). not going to go into details, just insert your low point in life...that is where I was.

I was watching the news and this chipper, perfectly coifed, beautiful reporter was describing a tale of woe in someones life (can't remember the details) with a smile on her face. I remember thinking that she was so fortunate, she was perfect and had everything going for her...and she is telling a story of someone elses agony without a care in the world. I think I literally hated her for it.

I turned off the news and went to take a bath, feeling blue as ever. I remember saying a prayer to God to please give me the strength, I was at such a low point. I suddenly realized that I made up this scenario in my mind. That this woman had it all, without any info other than a few seconds of seeing her in her best (on TV). I realized that same woman could be sitting in her bath tub right now asking the Lord for strength. That she may have issues that none of us see. Tha she probably does have issues that no one sees. Because we all do.

I realized that in my life, I was allowing the perfect surface of others to justify feeling horrible about myself. That with very little information, I was assuming they have it made and I am just wallowing in self pity.

I looked around me and started to see what I really did have...my struggles were in my mind. Nothing in my life was insurmountable. It was up to me. I didn't have to be perfect to be worthy...just as worthy as anyone.

I know it sounds so corny, but it was a revelation for me. A page turned in my mind. I decided that every day was going to start with a positive attitude and every night I would thank God for what I have. That I would take my focus off what I didn't like about myself and start really focusing on what I loved.

No, I am not perfect and my life isn't wonderful every moment of every day. I would like to change things about myself. But, I lie in bed every night and thank God for the chance at this imperfect life. I think what I realized is that I do not have to be perfect to start enjoying what I am. That when I add it all up, I am still on top. That me is a good thing to be, even on the darkest days, I am still blessed. I am content. I choose to be content.

That is so right on! I so think that way. Yes everybody has something that they can claim is there "badge of honor" it can be anything the CHOOSE it to be. Its all about choice!!

I look at people and wonder what their struggle is? Man some people are so happy you really think they so lucky... but we all know, even they have struggles, they just don't choose to let them define who and what they are.

 

[UrsulasShadow]

You know, everything poohandwendy says rings very true. Her posts are very eloquent, and beautiful, and I thank her for them...very inspiring.

I think that many people today suffer from depression, and I'm not sure what the answer is for them. If changing our attitude about ourselves was easy, I'm sure we would all do it. Simple philosophies, however, are not always easy, and I think that many of us need help in attaining a positive change. From listening to many of these posts (mine included!), I'd say that many of us need help, and soon.

I also know if this thread was posted in any other season than winter, my answer would have been much more upbeat. Thank goodness I realize after so many years that my tough time only goes from November to April, and the other half of the year is pretty wonderful. I know that's a long time to be down on oneself, but I handle it by knowing it's a temporary thing.

My poor DS16 was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I'm trying to show him that the down times are temporary. He's getting therapy early, which is something that wasn't available to me as a child. I hope it makes a difference for him.

 

[RitaZ.]

Absolutely, we all do. I think the point of contentment is when we realize that...that every single person has chinks in their armor. That there really isn't any perfection. When you get to that place, you realize that self hatred is comparing yourself to the unachievable, a perfection that does not exist in anyone. I think when you can accept yourself as that imperfect person, and that it is ok that you have chinks, you really have made peace with yourself. When you can focus on the goodness in yourself...you can drop the burden of feeling your self worth is based on your failings (real or imagined). It comes from within.

I think people who have dealt with serious health issues sometimes gain clarity that others haven't attained because they are faced with what really matters in life. Everything material, all of the surface stuff is stripped away and what really matters is exposed. And that is the humanity in all of us. The relationships we have with each other, acts of kindness, acceptance of imperfection in ourselves and others...

Interesting discussion.

Very wise post!

 

[poohandwendy]

I think that many people today suffer from depression, and I'm not sure what the answer is for them. If changing our attitude about ourselves was easy, I'm sure we would all do it. Simple philosophies, however, are not always easy, and I think that many of us need help in attaining a positive change. From listening to many of these posts (mine included!), I'd say that many of us need help, and soon.

I'm glad you mentioned this. I think everyone can benefit from positive thinking, but suffering from clinical depression is a special circumstance where I would plead for those dealing with it to seek some professional help. It's beyond low self esteem or feeling you are not good enough.

Symptoms of depression range from the obvious low mood to the seemingly unrelated tell tale sign of memory loss. The severity and types of symptoms vary with individuals and vary over time. Since depression manifests itself with such a wide array of experiences, it may difficult to diagnose and often goes untreated. Recognizing the symptoms, however, is the most important step in successful treatment of depression. These symptoms include:

• Persistent sad or "empty" mood
• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Unexplained crying
• Fatigue or unexplained loss of energy
• Loss of enthusiasm
• Memory loss
• Unexplained weight loss or weight gain
• Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
• Restlessness
• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
• Feelings of being in "slow motion"
• Feelings of hopelessness
• Feelings of pessimism
• Feelings of guilt
• Feelings of worthlessness
• Feelings of helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities once enjoyed
• Decreased interest in sex
• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain
•Thoughts of death or suicide or attempted suicide

 

[ckret01]

I agree, it really is difficult. What is the alternative? Living the rest of your life believing them?

At some point... on some level, though, you are deciding to agree with them. Not because they are right, but because you value their opinion. Isn't it funny, when you think of it, to find worth in the opinion of someone who is so hurtful? Is there really anyone in this world who stands so high on a pedestal, and so perfect, that they are the authority of handing out the 'you are unworthy' badges?

To walk away from that negativity takes inner strength. It takes a conscious effort to accept yourself, warts and all. In spite of our childhood, in spite of the people who have hurt us.

We all have what it takes to love ourselves. Many of us have to reevaluate our way of thinking to do so. We have to decide that 'they' were/are wrong. If we think their actions were wrong...then on some level we do know they were wrong.

To refuse other peoples negative impact on us is the epitome of freedom.

There are two choices. Loving yourself even though you are less than or hating yourself for being less than. I can tell you this, we are all 'less than'. That will never change, not with weight loss, not with more money, not with better hair or longer legs, not with a better job...nothing will change the fact that we will never feel total satisfaction with everything about ourselves. None of us. But we can learn to love ourselves as a whole, in spite of the dissatisfaction we have with parts of ourselves.

For example, lose the weight and another personal fault is right behind it, just waiting to torment you. If your mindset is one of self hatred, that will not go away with superficial goals being met. Because your cup is half empty...you convince yourself every day. But, if you are one who learns to love yourself, each goal you attain will add to your feelings of self worth. That is when your cup runneth over.

And when you live waiting for what you would like to be (and hating yourself for not getting there), you are missing out on enjoying the meantime. The meantime is the whole of our lives. It is today. It is yesterday, it is tomorrow.

(sorry for the inconsistent use of 'we' and 'you'...couldn't make up my mind on which way to go, LOL)

WOW, I want to THANK YOU! for your post. Personally it meant a lot to me. (I actually copied and pasted it so I can read it over and over to myself). It is so very true on everything you wrote. Now if I can just get myself to think that way.

 

[JunieJay]

I have a hard time with the "acceptance of imperfection in ourselves and others" I really struggle with both of these.

I'm not sure how old you are, but I can tell you this need for perfection lessens as we age. We learn to accept things as they are as we get older. I noticed this in myself as I hit my late 30s and its really freeing. One of the many (believe it or not) benefits to aging.

PAW, I love all your posts on this thread. You are really a thoughtful person and your opinions mean a lot to me. I always like it when you weigh in on a subject and this time is no exception.

 

[Disneyfan63]

Hi,

I've always been self-conscious, a perfectionist. My own worst critic, I tend to blame myself for what I've done or said (or not done or not said) to influence a given situation. But I've always been told that I'm better than I think I am, and am slowly starting to believe that.

Jim

 

[joshsmom]

I feel good about myself on the inside, but I am disgusted with my weight. Ask me this question next year and hopefully, by then, I will be at my goal weight!!

 

[disneyfreakk]

A great way to boots your self esteem is to look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself atleast one thing that is great about you. Say it loud and proud! It can be anything at all, as long as its positive. When I finally got up the nerve to leave my ex DH ( he totally destroyed any self worth I ever had ), my mother had be do this. It really does help.

 

[Planogirl]

poohandwendy, you continue to amaze with your wise perspectives. You are right IMO; the trouble is convincing yourself of these things and really believing them.

I think that lack of confidence and lack of love of one's self can be due to some things that just take time. You might have suffered a loss of some kind or something important may not have worked out, and it will often take time to work past that. I know the emptiness and sadness that can come of that and I can choose to no longer let it effect me but my logical self can't always immediately convince my emotional self if that makes sense.

I guess my only point is that it's often best (and necessary) to wallow in hurt for a while before healing can start.

 

[poohandwendy]

Thanks for your kind words guys! I can only hope that threads like this spark a little something in someone who needs it. Cause I know many, many people live in their own torment.

Planogirl, that is true. I think it definitely takes time and the issues sometimes really run deep. (I think they almost always run really deep, that is why it is so hard to get past it) And in some cases, current relationships can really make it hard too. And I agree that the wound needs to run it's course before it's possible to start healing.

I don't want to give the impression that positive thinking is a like a magic wand. My point is that it is important to start somewhere and not get stuck in it...not allow it to consume your life because we are limited by time. Tommorow doesn't come for many people. And it's a shame when people spend years and years of their lives hating themselves. It's such a waste to be paralyzed by your own feelings. And especially because we all accomplish more and succeed when we are at peace with ourselves. Self hatred is a vicious cycle that really holds people back from being the best they can be...which makes them feel even worse.

Junie Jay is right, age does help. As the years roll past and you see tragedies and triumphs, I think you do realize that you don't have to fit into a specific mold to be acceptable and lovable. That some things just don't matter, that toxic people aren't worth it...that loving yourself releases the pain.

 

[miss missy]

Quote:Originally Posted by miss Missy
I have a hard time with the "acceptance of imperfection in ourselves and others" I really struggle with both of these.

I'm not sure how old you are, but I can tell you this need for perfection lessens as we age. We learn to accept things as they are as we get older. I noticed this in myself as I hit my late 30'S and its really freeing. One of the many (believe it or not) benefits to aging. :good vibes

PAW, I love all your posts on this thread. You are really a thoughtful person and your opinions mean a lot to me. I always like it when you weigh in on a subject and this time is no exception. :good vibes

I just turned 40. I guess I will be totally honest since you all are so nice here.

What I meant was I have such a hard time with IE. my siblings that are not doing well, they are grown adult children that are either, drinking, drugging and not living good lives. There is 6 of us, I am the only one who has it together. Not being mean, it is the way it is. They are all living bad. The one that is doing the best of them is in another state but drinking and not in touch with us more than a hello here and there. I suspect things with her DH are not well and she is too prideful to tell. But trust me, its not normal there. The others are either doing bars and gambling and around all that stuff and people who aren't going anywhere. They are 45, 42, 41, 33 and 27. There is two living with Mom in a tiny place, and the 3rd keeps coming and going from Moms. It is a sad state of affairs over there. The youngest two take advantage of my Mom and her lil bit of money.

So my trouble is I am married with kids, I have a great job, house and all that. BUT I am the odd ball because of that. I have nothing in common with them. I dint party, lie, not work, cheat and steal. My life is my family, ya know. So I am not close to them since they all go to bars and party and stuff and that is just not my thing. And I don't want my kids exposed to the way they live, and I have a hard time with that too. I guess I feel ripped off of siblings in my life and of aunts and uncles for my kids.

And my other HUGE hangup... is that I have a hard time with my 21 year old. His life is far from what I wanted for him. Its not devastation, but he has chosen a hard long road. He isn't working a decent job as he should be heading toward at his age he hasn't finish HS, with 2 classes to a diploma and still not getting that done. He is really making it hard for himself by not stepping up to be a man, ya know. And this is not how we raised him. He saw us work hard and we did all the things parents do to teach kids the way to independence. So I sit here thinking what did I do wrong and feel like a bad parent. STUCK in negative feelings with all that. And he is close to my Mom so I worry he will see his aunts and uncles messed up and think its OK. The day they ask him to the bar is the day I will loose a nugget on the lot of them!

Add to that, I have a DD that is 13 that I am trying to raise in this crazy world. I feel like the bad of the world is trying to suck in my kids and I am fighting for them alone, ya know. I teach them, but we all know they don't think we know much. I feel I live by example... don't talk- show. But that didn't work for DS did it

This all leads me to thinking either A. I stink as a parent or B. I stink as a parent

 

[miss missy]

I'm not sure how old you are, but I can tell you this need for perfection lessens as we age. We learn to accept things as they are as we get older. I noticed this in myself as I hit my late 30s and its really freeing. One of the many (believe it or not) benefits to aging.

PAW, I love all your posts on this thread. You are really a thoughtful person and your opinions mean a lot to me. I always like it when you weigh in on a subject and this time is no exception.

Thanks for your kind words guys! I can only hope that threads like this spark a little something in someone who needs it. Cause I know many, many people live in their own torment.

Planogirl, that is true. I think it definitely takes time and the issues sometimes really run deep. (I think they almost always run really deep, that is why it is so hard to get past it) And in some cases, current relationships can really make it hard too. And I agree that the wound needs to run it's course before it's possible to start healing.

I don't want to give the impression that positive thinking is a like a magic wand. My point is that it is important to start somewhere and not get stuck in it...not allow it to consume your life because we are limited by time. Tomorrow doesn't come for many people. And it's a shame when people spend years and years of their lives hating themselves. It's such a waste to be paralyzed by your own feelings. And especially because we all accomplish more and succeed when we are at peace with ourselves. Self hatred is a vicious cycle that really holds people back from being the best they can be...which makes them feel even worse.

Junie Jay is right, age does help. As the years roll past and you see tragedies and triumphs, I think you do realize that you don't have to fit into a specific mold to be acceptable and lovable. That some things just don't matter, that toxic people aren't worth it...that loving yourself releases the pain.

Thats what I mean, its so hard when those toxic people are family. I love my Mom, but I hate calling her because I know I am going to hear a new crisis of so and so. She expects me to have sympathy and most of the time I don't because it is clearly wrong what they did and I am "suppose to be there for my sibs no matter what." She is an enabler I am not her.

 

[poohandwendy]

You know Miss Missy (btw, your screenname cracks me up for some reason- it sounds like a reprimand)

Sounds like you are a very responsible person and that you have worked very hard to be that person. I suspect your family takes that for granted and you probably hear that "you are just lucky" and they have it 'harder' than you...you know that is far from the truth and it probably frustrates you. I could be wrong, but I live that with a few of my sibs, so that is a guess.

I can tell you I was there for a long time. (I am 1 of 5 kids) And eventually, I got tired of being the only one who really gave a crap what happened. You know why? because I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. If I showed concern and actually held them accountable for their actions, I was being a busy body. But, it was real easy for everyone to expect Wendy to step up to the plate because I was the 'responsible adult' for some reason. I was the rock of the family, always planning everything so we would be together, always taking care of everything. Then, they saw me as a martyr, because I got sick of being the only one. Maybe I was one...so what did I do?

I just walked away, emotionally. Now, I am the bad kid because I am not as involved in the drama. But, it took too much out of me. Seriously. It caused me stress. Maybe I took that on myself, because of my personality. So, the only answer was for me to back off and allow the family to just be what it was. And I invested myself into MY nuclear family more.

You know, it's hard when it doesn't turn out Norman Rockwell-like. It would be so nice if growing up under the same roof meant sharing common values and lifestyles as adults...not always the case. Probably rarely the case, if truth were known. The best thing for me and my sibling relationships was for me to back off and just try to have fun with them when I saw them and know that they will figure it all out on their own and be there if they really need me and I can help. And you know what, if they don't? That isn't my responsibility. And I would rather they think I am the bad kid in the family than keep stressing over their drama. You have to do what is healthy for you, bottom line.

Sometimes there is such a freedom in just letting it go.

And the same applies to your son. My DD is 20 and I have some issues with her too. It's hard to see them make mistakes, especially ones that are so obvious. But, you just have to learn to let it go and allow them to fall out of the nest and crash...if that is what they need to do.

You are forgetting one thing...it isn't written in stone with your son yet. The result of your parenting isn't what you are seeing this moment. He is still finding his way. Give it some time. I'll bet in 5 years, you will say "I can't believe that things finally worked out, I was so worried about you" You know why? Because he really isn't the man he will be until he is settled down and starts his life...on his own.

Many times, that responsible person you raised only really surfaces when they find that person they want to share their life with and have a family with. That is when they get serious. I have seen it time and time again. Give it time. And hold him accountable, even if that means telling him to go do it on his own. Even if it scares you to death to do it. Seriously, sometimes that is what needs to happen for them to grow up and take responsibility for themselves.

You are not a bad parent, you are just dealing with the part that sucks. The part where they are almost gone...but not quite yet. It's like purgatory for parents.

Concentrate on your DD, she is still needing you. Put your energy in that and your DH and you. Your son will be fine, your family will be fine. YOU will be fine. Seriously, it WILL all work out in the end. Today is just a blip on the screen.

I am just a pm away, if you ever need to talk more.

 

[miss missy]

You know Miss Missy (btw, your screenname cracks me up for some reason- it sounds like a reprimand)

Sounds like you are a very responsible person and that you have worked very hard to be that person. I suspect your family takes that for granted and you probably hear that "you are just lucky" and they have it 'harder' than you...you know that is far from the truth and it probably frustrates you. I could be wrong, but I live that with a few of my sibs, so that is a guess.

I can tell you I was there for a long time. (I am 1 of 5 kids) And eventually, I got tired of being the only one who really gave a crap what happened. You know why? because I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. If I showed concern and actually held them accountable for their actions, I was being a busy body. But, it was real easy for everyone to expect Wendy to step up to the plate because I was the 'responsible adult' for some reason. I was the rock of the family, always planning everything so we would be together, always taking care of everything. Then, they saw me as a martyr, because I got sick of being the only one. Maybe I was one...so what did I do?

I just walked away, emotionally. Now, I am the bad kid because I am not as involved in the drama. But, it took too much out of me. Seriously. It caused me stress. Maybe I took that on myself, because of my personality. So, the only answer was for me to back off and allow the family to just be what it was. And I invested myself into MY nuclear family more.

You know, it's hard when it doesn't turn out Norman Rockwell-like. It would be so nice if growing up under the same roof meant sharing common values and lifestyles as adults...not always the case. Probably rarely the case, if truth were known. The best thing for me and my sibling relationships was for me to back off and just try to have fun with them when I saw them and know that they will figure it all out on their own and be there if they really need me and I can help. And you know what, if they don't? That isn't my responsibility. And I would rather they think I am the bad kid in the family than keep stressing over their drama. You have to do what is healthy for you, bottom line.

Sometimes there is such a freedom in just letting it go.

And the same applies to your son. My DD is 20 and I have some issues with her too. It's hard to see them make mistakes, especially ones that are so obvious. But, you just have to learn to let it go and allow them to fall out of the nest and crash...if that is what they need to do.

You are forgetting one thing...it isn't written in stone with your son yet. The result of your parenting isn't what you are seeing this moment. He is still finding his way. Give it some time. I'll bet in 5 years, you will say "I can't believe that things finally worked out, I was so worried about you" You know why? Because he really isn't the man he will be until he is settled down and starts his life...on his own.

Many times, that responsible person you raised only really surfaces when they find that person they want to share their life with and have a family with. That is when they get serious. I have seen it time and time again. Give it time. And hold him accountable, even if that means telling him to go do it on his own. Even if it scares you to death to do it. Seriously, sometimes that is what needs to happen for them to grow up and take responsibility for themselves.

You are not a bad parent, you are just dealing with the part that sucks. The part where they are almost gone...but not quite yet. It's like purgatory for parents.

Concentrate on your DD, she is still needing you. Put your energy in that and your DH and you. Your son will be fine, your family will be fine. YOU will be fine. Seriously, it WILL all work out in the end. Today is just a blip on the screen.

I am just a pm away, if you ever need to talk more.

You are so sweet and have a great way with words. I wish I could verbilize what I want to say as well as you do. I feel stuck in my own head most of the time.

I am hoping this all helps others if they read it. I can't be the only one going through this stuff, could I?

You are right on all levels. I don't know that my sibs think I had it easier since I am the one who was pregnant at 17. None of them have kids except the one who lives away. I guess its just the fact that because they are irresponsible adults and we are not at all alike, and have nothing in common at all that gets to me. I guess I need to treat that like a loss and just grieve it once and for all. I so wish I had a sis that I could be close to and a brother I can pal around with ya know. And like I said, I keep my DD away as much as possible and that is a loss to her too. Its like she sees them and sees this is what NOT to grow up to be I guess some grieving that and letting go more than I have is in order. And yes the one time I did speak up when one sis was taking advantage of mom, well lets say she doesn't talk to me anymore unless she has to. We were closer and I thought I was being a good sis caring enough to say hey look at what your doing and trying to teach her morales... well she didn't take it well so it got ugly. It taught me 2 things, 1. she thinks she is "entitled" and "deserving" of mom's money and 2. obviously we weren't as close as I thought and she didn't know my heart. Its was a very sad sad thing for me. BUT it taught me to step back and realize no one in the family sees things as I do and noone gives a hoot to "do the right thing". I stepped back, but have more to go.

As far as my son, I had learned to let him "fall" years ago. He had a heck of teen years!!! He move out at 17 I tried everything I could and after a near mental breakdown from all the stress and worry... it was either let him go or end up emotionally a wreck that I wouldn't recover from. I had to trust I had taught him the best I could and he would be OK. And he did do OK, not as I would have wished, but OK. As of now, he is around people who are not going anywhere and that scares me. He just hasn't taken that grown up step and I wonder if he will. He may only ever do OK and that has me sad. I wanted so much more for him and he is so capable... he just isn't around one person that is going anywhere.

I have put my life at a stop for so many years. Afraid to move on and better myself. Afraid I am so angry about it all that I am showing that meanness. I just don't like me right now. For the world out there, I know I am more than what I am giving, ya know.

Thanks poohandwendy!! And thanks for letting me ramble everyone. Maybe someone else can relate. Or maybe I just am a nutt LOL.

 

[Stacerita]

I totally rock!!!

Of course I feel good about myself. Sure I have not so great days where I'm not feeling as good, but overall I feel good about myself.

 

[LBelle]

right now i feeell grate!!!! Pass the beer, pleese!!!

 

[miss missy]

You know Miss Missy (btw, your screenname cracks me up for some reason- it sounds like a reprimand)

see, you are a smart gal! That is what I call DD when I want her attention!! LOL

 

[slo]

I voted "yes"


I do feel very good about myself.
Don't get me wrong - I do have my down moments, but I usually snap back pretty fast.

My grandma was a real role model for me
She taught me to never take anyone's crap and to be proud of who I am
If I had a problem, she would never sugar coat anything, and make me face things head on - this really taught me to be strong and gave me a thick skin.

Sure, I don't have a figure like a model, but I never will, I've come tor realize that. I just always try to look the best with the body God gave me.

I'm so happy that I'm alive
I have air in my lungs
Food on my table everyday
A beautiful home
A wonderful husband
2 beautiful DD's
My parents, and my in-laws that I love and love me back
and I could go on and on

My life is a gift, and I intend to enjoy every minute of it.



***This is for all those that voted "no"*********
Many hugs to you all
I hope that you will not always feel this way, because your life is a gift too